an espresso a day:
“Vic, I’m not that desperate.”
It’s the immediate response from Robert because all this fussing is almost embarrassing. He knows he hasn’t been himself lately, but it’s understandable considering his marriage is over.
It’s almost like everyone expects him to dust himself off and go again but he can’t because this is Aaron. This is Aaron who left three days ago and gave him no indication he was ever going to be ready to try this all again, when he was better.
The realisation hit Robert yesterday, sitting in the pub and nursing a pint. He’d realised that he couldn’t be anywhere near the scrap yard because Aaron was everywhere wasn’t he? He’d be forced to stare across his desk and see the empty chair where his husband used to sit, used to swivel like a little kid and drive him mad.
It would all make him miss Aaron even more, he couldn’t afford that type of heart ache. He was too fragile for that.
He’d left the scrapyard, hadn’t even bothered to pile his folders into the spare room at Diane’s which he’s decided to spend the rest of his days living in. It was dramatic but that’s how he felt at the time.
Now though, Vic’s in his room, hovering over him with a hand on her hip and telling him that he needs a hobby, that he needs to do something with his time, that Bob needs help in the cafe.
Vic rolls her eyes, “Robert you need this.” She says, like she knows what he’s going through, like she wasn’t the one who ended her relationship with Adam.
Robert pulls the sleeves up of his shirt and sighs. He can feel the pity radiate off her and it makes him want to run away, do what Aaron had the balls to do.
“I think the money I have can tell ya others.”
“Listen to me, I’m not having you hiding away in here.” It’s almost like a promise and Robert knows better than to ignore her.
So he raises his head. “And working in the cafe is going to do what exactly? Make me forget that I’ve ruined yet another marriage of mine?” It stings, it shouldn’t be this hard, he should be able to realise that it didn’t work for a reason and that he has to leave it alone. He has to stop thinking about Aaron all the time. But he can’t.
Vic is soft suddenly, comes closer and sits on the rickety bed that Robert cannot sleep in properly. “Aaron’s gone Rob,” it makes her brother wince. “He’s working on himself and you need to do the same by focusing your mind elsewhere. I promise it’ll do ya good.” She’s so hopeful and he’s so willing to feel that too.
So he agrees.
Bob’s nice enough. He welcomes Robert like he’s a long lost son (which could probably be true considering Bob and his reputation) But he puts his foot in it, a lot.
“Now, I don’t know how you and Aaron have your coffee but -”
It’s always him and Aaron. Everyone seems them as a pair don’t they?
Robert winces, gulps down and then sighs as Bob realises his mistake and decides that rambling out an apology is the only thing he can do.
“It’s fine.” Robert tries to smile, raise a hand and brush it off. None of it meets his eyes though and he stands there sheepishly waiting for the moment to pass and for his heart to stop feeling like it’s about to break down on him.
Bob shows him how to work the machines but it doesn’t take long because Robert is used to them. He knows where to press and when to wait and how to press and Robert can’t help but crave the gratitude Bob so readily gives.
In a daft weird way it makes him feel wanted, almost needed and it’s enough.
Sometimes Rebecca comes in and it’s awful. She’s growing bigger by the day and she always rubs her belly whenever Robert’s in sight. It’s weird, seeing her, knowing that she’s carrying his son, someone who will love him unconditionally and won’t leave. He should smile when she comes in but he doesn’t, he just pours her something creamy and topped with sprinkles and she lets him know that everyone is okay.
::
“Since when were you working here?” Bernice is suppressing a laugh, watching Robert stick a straw in a smoothie, as she taps her fingers against the counter and waits for his attention. “Didn’t think you’d stooped so low.” She mutters and that gets Robert’s full attention.
“Weren’t you working here a few weeks ago?” Robert retaliates because he’s sick of the looks he’s getting, standing there with a towel on his shoulder and his sleeves rolled up high.
Bernice leans forward, acts like she doesn’t want anyone to hear her as she speaks. “Is this to help get you over the whole Aaron fiasco?”
Robert blinks, his heart skips a beat. “Fiasco?” He wants to shout and make a scene but he almost can’t. It’s too embarrassing. Instead he just shakes his head. “He ended our marriage.” He reminds her like she needs to be.
Bernice politely excuses herself after throwing him a sorry smile. It doesn’t mean much but he won’t begrudge pity right now, it seems like his only friend at the moment.
Until Doug introduces him to his prized beetroot or whatever.
::
He’s getting used to it, the mundane aspect of serving coffee. He can’t help but be himself though, barks a little if a customer bites.
“Yeah well, she didn’t say please or anything, what am I?”
“A barista Robert, someone who serves coffee. That’s all.” Bob is a little too firm with his tone, knows it, sighs to ease a little tension between them. “Just hold back on the etiquette lesson eh?”
Robert feigns sincerity and obliges.
It’s a few weeks later when he sees him. Bob is banging on about treating Brenda and actually is asking for Robert’s knowledge about fancy wine places. Robert puffs out his chest, goes to speak and then he hears him.
He hears him laughing before he even sees him standing there, shock clear on his face because why is Robert working in the cafe?
Robert tries to hold his gaze, allows himself time to trace the marks of his face and hold onto it because it’s been too long. It’s been weeks. He has his hands tucked into his pockets and he’s wearing a blue jumper, Robert thinks it’s new because he hasn’t seen it before. Suddenly he can’t help but wonder what else is new about him, what else has changed for Aaron whilst everything else has stayed the same for him?
Aaron doesn’t order anything, does this awkward u-turn after Bob greets him. Robert hears something about the scrapyard and being busy and he knows it’s a lie, appreciates it all the same though.
He can’t concentrate after Aaron’s gone, he nearly burns his hand and then passes over a tenner instead of a fiver and Bob has to intervene and prize it away from Kerry.
He’s in his head again, swimming, almost drowning every thought Robert had when he wasn’t around. Robert stands back and realises how he looks as he sights himself in the glass of the coffee machine.
He’s got hair sticking out in all the wrong places, cheeks flushed and pink, and a purple apron fixed tight around his waist with an extra tea towel lounging awkwardly over his shoulder. In short, he looks like shit. Shit that Aaron saw.
“How about you get off?” Bob says, there’s that voice again, the one soaked with pity.
Robert just blinks at him and then he’s hearing the sound of someone coming in.
Of course it’s her, with her hand over her stomach and a patterned blazer obviously becoming too tight for her now she’s getting bigger.
“I just saw - I mean, I know that - I know Aaron’s back.” She stammers, head down then tilted then down again and Robert wants her to leave already.
“And what?” Robert says, feels the atmosphere become thick with tension all of a sudden. “Just stay out of his way alright? He doesn’t have to be reminded all the time.” He points directly to her stomach and she shields it almost protectively and yeah, within seconds Robert feels like a Disney villain again.
::
Diane calls him pet a few times and gives him a milky tea, hand on her hip and a small smile on her face.
“I suppose he had to come back sometime.” She reasons, sitting beside her step-son and shrugging. “How did he seem?”
That’s a good question Robert thinks, slumped against the chair in the office and a hand already fiddling with more paper to make more airplanes. He thinks about how Aaron looked at him, an eyebrow raised and his mouth ajar. “Surprised. But maybe that had something to do with me working in the cafe.” He folds over one of the corners of the paper and sighs. “Other than that, he was almost vacant you know? Like he didn’t even care.”
It hurt, thinking back to it. It hurt because why did his heart still skip a beat when Aaron’s stayed the same?
“I’m sure he did.” Doug comes out of nowhere and slaps him on the back for some reason. “He just needs time.”
“For what? To work out I’m a loser and he’s better off alone? I think he’s done all that already.” That scares Robert the most, the thought of Aaron being completely over him now that his head is clear. “I need to do something.”
Diane pulls one of her worried faces and Robert frowns at her.
“Think of it like a flower,” that’s when Robert wants to dart out the room but Doug stops him. “Aaron’s a flower, and you’re a watering can.” Even Diane pulls a face. “You can’t keep pouring water into it, can ya? It’s going to overwhelm the poor sunflower and then it’s going to -”
“Yeah I get it.” Robert waves a hand out, doesn’t want to get it but he does. “Just because Aaron’s back, nothing has changed, he would have come and seen me if it had right?”
Diane nods her head. “Yes love, and he hasn’t. So you’re going to focus on you and not trying to make him take ya back okay?”
Robert feels like he’s giving up, giving in and he hates himself because he’s not a quitter. He hates losing.
But this is different, this isn’t about a contract or a partnership. This is about Aaron, who isn’t happy with him at all, who can’t be with him.
He blows out a long breath, folds another corner over and holds up the airplane, agrees to Diane’s words just as he lets go and watches it dance around the rom for a second before falling down to the ground.
::
It’s relaxing, the way the coffee grinds away softly and then pours right below the brim so that it doesn’t overflow. Robert likes adding cream, swirling it round and adding sprinkles for Rebecca.
They’ve reached some sort of compromise. It helps that he works closer now, that they can catch up over a coffee or whatever.
“How’s he doing?” Robert always asks, always wants to know now that his baby seems to be the only person who doesn’t hold some resentment towards him.
Yet.
Rebecca always smiles, glows when he’s mentioned. “Perfect.” She hums, closes her eyes as she speaks.
“And how’s his daddy?” Robert doesn’t like speaking about himself, doesn’t like speaking too deeply about anything with her because it’s weird and it’s almost too personal.
“Getting by.” Robert offers with a shrug. He’ll keep the truth to himself.
::
Aaron comes in one day, of course he does, and he waits in the queue with his head down. Robert serves slowly, doesn’t know why but he just can’t speak to him. He has this awful thought that Aaron wants them to be mates and he just can’t be. Mates tell each other things, what could he possibly tell Aaron now?
He’s thankful when Adam storms in, mouthing off about Aaron leaving the van in the middle of the road with the keys in. For a second Robert wants to raise his head and call him an idiot, but then he remembers and he disappears into the back instead, only hears the sound of Aaron’s boots leaving the shop.
It’s closing time, Robert’s polishing down the tables and Vic’s in his ear. She’s saying something about Rebecca’s room and how it’s all coming along and Robert’s trying his best to act interested.
The bell goes and there’s the sound of feet coming though the door. It’s Aaron.
“Alright?” Aaron nods at Vic and then he’s slowly looking across at Robert, clenching his jaw the way he does when he’s nervous.
Robert stills, hand growing wet as he squeezes the damp cloth and the sound of the clock ticking by becoming too unbearably loud.
“Yeah.” Robert forces out, standing up straight and awkwardly pulling the towel of his shoulder. “Yeah I’m fine.” He lies.
Aaron nods his head, eyes looking towards the floor and then darting up again. “I just wanted to say uh - some of your stuff is - I’ve packed it up, left it at Diane’s for you.”
Robert feels like he’s being punched over and over again and he wonders if Aaron wants to hear thanks. Surely not?
He just nods his head and looks back down towards the table as Vic looks between them both like she’s watching Wimbledon.
“And your - your haulage stuff is there as well.”
It doesn’t even seem hard for Aaron to get out. Maybe it isn’t. Maybe Adam will high five him as soon as he leaves and they’ll laugh their heads off about it.
“Okay.” Robert almost whispers, knows that he’d have to take it out of the portacabin eventually, didn’t think Aaron would find it so easy to do.
Did he pack away the picture of Liv and me at our wedding day? Robert thinks as Aaron shuffles back towards the door.
“How are ya?” It drops out, unexpected, almost wrong in his mouth.
Aaron just blinks at him for a few seconds, eyes wide and then they almost glaze over. “Fine.” He says, it’s clear that he doesn’t know what else he can possibly say. “Better.” That’s more appropriate Robert thinks.
“Good.” He says, then Aaron leaves and Robert learns how to breathe again.
::
Bob is well up to date with the dramas of Robert’s life, knows when to push and when not, knows that it’s probably best if he serves Aaron if he ever comes in. It’s rare though and Robert likes it that way because it saves an awkward small talk that they both almost feel obliged to go through.
It gets colder outside, crisper and there’s a crackle of something in the air. Rebecca blooms and Robert dares himself to feel excited about it all for a few seconds.
He kicks in her stomach, the baby, and Robert feels it, over the counter, hand pressed firmly on her belly and something melting in his chest as he feels it.
The feeling dies though, because Aaron comes in and he’s laughing again, and some bloke who isn’t Adam is laughing with him. Something stills in Robert’s chest and he feels cold, pulls away from Rebecca like it’s completely and utterly wrong and then he’s dashing behind the counter again.
He watches Bob serve Aaron, make idle chat and then he asks him about the bloke and Robert doesn’t know whether to kiss or slap him. Aaron’s all cryptic though and oddly doesn’t even give Rebecca evils as she smiles at him.
Maybe it’s progress. Maybe it’s a sign. Maybe he’s moved completely on.
::
Robert doesn’t stick around to see how close Aaron sits next to the bloke, the bloke with a chiselled jaw and a blush on his cheeks and a floppy fringe, but fuck he thinks about it.
He sees them again, three days later, this time he can’t escape because Bob’s gone to pick up a delivery. Aaron pushes at the blokes shoulder and the twat laughs, gestures to a seat near the counter and then Aaron’s pointing near the door. Robert blushes when he thinks about that being for his sake.
“Just two coffees, please.” Aaron says, can’t lift his head.
Robert wishes he could, wishes that it was easy considering it’s been a while now. But it isn’t, they’re stuck in this cycle of regret and awkwardness and it’s almost tragic.
“Yeah, to go?” Robert tries to make out he doesn’t know exactly what Aaron wants.
Aaron bites his lip awkwardly and then shakes his head. “Nah, just -” he scratches his eyebrow and then blows out a breath. “So. You. Working here. Never thought I’d see the day.”
Robert’s eyes flicker and he remembers hands over Aaron’s, too comfortable on their sofa, laughing about Robert’s need to tell everyone about how to make the perfect coffee. It was bliss then, it’s a shame Robert didn’t really figure that out in time.
“Yeah well, someone had to teach the world about how to make the best coffee.” It rolls off the tongue, it’s easy and Aaron’s eyes almost twinkle as he fights back a laugh, rolls his eyes instead.
“I suppose so.” Aaron almost whispers back, hands dancing too close to the till, too close to *Robert and he pulls back, turns towards the twat waiting for him and Robert takes the hint. He actually does his job, does it well and nods at Aaron who takes the mugs with thanks.
Robert tries not to burn a massive ‘Fuck You’ sign into the back of the twat’s head as he listens to them speaking. It’s irritating. Not loud enough for him to actually string a sentence together but not low enough for him to be able to ignore.
They stay almost until closing time and Robert thinks it’s out of spite or something, then remembers it’s Aaron he’s talking about and thinks against it as quickly as he can.
The twat leaves and Aaron stays and six o'clock rolls by, and Robert’s locking up, Aaron’s still there. He’s just sitting there on his phone, like he needs to say something.
He does. It’s serious and Robert feels it hit his gut.
“Liv’s back tomorrow.”
He doesn’t expect it to ache but it does.
“She knows enough. I know that me and you are hardly shooting daggers across the room but we stay out of each other’s way nice enough don’t we?” Robert just nods. “I need it to stay that way Rob.”
Something fizzles inside Robert as he hears the nickname but he tries his best to fight against it. “I get it Aaron.” It comes out of nowhere, it’s this bubbling anger. It’s an almost ‘how dare you try and say I’d make things hard for Liv?’ “I know exactly how you want this to be.”
Aaron’s hurt, it’s clear, he gulps and then shuffles on his feet. “I didn’t want any of this.”
It’s suddenly too deep too soon and Robert wants it to be over. “We’re closing now -”
“- walking in on you rubbing her stomach, seeing ya every day and seeing her - you think I wanted this?”
He’d seen that?
Robert shuts his eyes, he was kidding himself if he ever thought they had reached a soft sort of state. They’d never be like that.
“All I know is you didn’t want me. Or my baggage. Don’t remind me Aaron.” He was so strong and then his voice breaks and he disappears round the back, waits for Aaron’s footsteps to die out and for the sound of the door to slam.
::
Diane gives him another milky tea and Doug buys him shortbreads and they chat about it, Robert finds it easier now to get it all off his chest with them.
“He hates me.” Robert offloads, shuffles in his chair and reaches out for a piece of paper to fold. “I could see it in his eyes, clear as day.” Diane brushes a hand over his knee. “He saw me feel the baby kick?”
Doug tuts, “Well that’s probably understandable isn’t it?”
Robert raises his head sharply. “And what do you say about him laughing and joking with some guy?”
Dough goes to speak, decides against it as he pushes forward another shortbread and shakes his head.
::
It’s a bad day, he had a dream about Aaron and it made him cry like a little boy in the middle of the night. The next thing he knew, he was climbing out of the bed, reaching over and Aaron’s ring was in his hand. It was cold to touch, too cold and it almost felt like dead weight in his hand.
He decides he needs it close to him, maybe it will stop the nightmares, so it’s round his neck now and he promises to never take it off.
Because that’s healthy.
::
There’s an order in, Bob’s gone mad and overdone it on the bakery items and Robert’s been left to sort it out.
He’s rolling his eyes as he counts the cream slices and the blueberry muffins and then he’s stopping all of a sudden because the massive cookies are right in front of him. The ones that Aaron adores, the ones bigger than his face with the smarties and huge chocolate pieces wedged in.
It hits him so hard that he almost falls back, he’s ridiculously love sick and it aches. “Those are Aaron’s favourite.” He whispers, more to himself than anyone else. But Bob is Bob, slams a hand over his pack and then squeezes his shoulder and yeah Robert finds comfort in it more than he probably should.
::
Liv comes in and sees him and it’s so painfully obvious how hurt she is.
It’s in her eyes and the way she gradually approaches the counter with hesitation.
He wants to hug her, say he’s sorry but he can’t because the words get stuck in his throat and she just stares at him.
“I’ve been waiting to give you a chocolate cream swirl with extra sprinkles you know?” It’s pathetic, he’s expecting her to turn right around and tell him to never speak to her again but she doesn’t, instead she just nods a little and then she’s shaking her head at him.
“Why are ya such an idiot eh?” Her eyes are watery and she’s grown, she’s taller and probably wiser. Maybe she sees things differently now, maybe that’s why Robert’s still got his head on his shoulders.
The cafe is hardly busy, just Jimmy in the corner trying to avoid Nicola, so he comes round the counter and he holds her close to him and she lets him.
It feels too natural for words.
::
A few days go by and Aaron’s back, the same bloke is back too and he’s wearing this checkered shirt which does absolutely nothing for him.
Bob’s got them offering a pumpkin latte nowadays and Robert almost winces when he has to ask Aaron if he’s interested. They haven’t really spoken since Aaron let slip that seeing Robert with Rebecca still wasn’t easy or whatever.
Aaron’s got his scarf tucked into his oversized black jacket and he raises an eyebrow at the request. “Nah. Just two -”
Robert knows his order, “Yeah alright.” He says before turning his body around and wondering if Aaron will leave.
He doesn’t though, he stays and Robert turns around and stares at him properly. There’s something lighter in his eyes and he hates to think that the checkered twat is making it that way.
“I’ve been meaning to have a chat with you.” Aaron says, clears his throat.
“You never were big on chat.” Robert says, hand pressed against the counter and a small frown on his face.
“Yeah well, I just wanted to say that I’m sorry for snapping the other week.” It seems almost pathetic, to apologise now.
“You don’t have anything to be sorry for.” Robert shrugs. “You’re moving on.” He looks straight towards the twat and misses the look on Aaron’s face. “And I’m trying to focus on that too.” He says, cheeks flushed a little and the sound of hot milk pouring into a mug making the atmosphere feel less tense around them.
Aaron bites his lip. “I’m glad we both are.” He says, something sad in his voice that Robert wants to ignore because thinking too deeply about what Aaron wants only makes it hard to breathe.
Robert tilts his neck a little and then his eyes widen as he sees that Aaron’s eyes have fallen onto his neck, the chain. He pushes his head back up and when he looks up Aaron’s attention is elsewhere.
“Yeah.” Robert lies, hands over the coffees and disappears into the back again.
::
So, Rebecca gets a friend, or gets back in contact with a friend and then suddenly they’re always in the cafe.
Robert doesn’t mind seeing her, watching her lounge about in her flowery dresses, because he’s seeing his son as well and that layer of guilt and distance he once felt for his own child isn’t there any more. He hates to think it’s because Aaron isn’t there anymore either.
The friend’s name is Charlotte, she’s a pretty thing, bright green eyes and brown flowing hair which is annoying plaited like Rebecca used to do before she was always tired or crying or both.
“So, you the baby daddy then?” She’s posh too, eyes shimmering at Robert as if she’s interested in him.
Something stirs inside Robert and maybe he’s interested too.
“Sure am.” Robert says, doesn’t know where to put his face. “You want another coffee or something?”
Charlotte leans a little closer, “Bex hasn’t told me the ins and outs, just that you’re not together, never were really.” She’s doing that weird almost flittering almost judging you thing and Robert still doesn’t know where to put his face.
“Yeah well that’s true.” Robert looks up at her, tries to smile and realises he didn’t give her appearance enough credit, she really is beautiful. “Why’d you care so much?”
Charlotte does this shy smile thing and pulls her hair behind her ear whilst shrugging. “Oh I don’t know, many reasons.” She says, makes something rise in Robert’s stomach.
But then she’s looking down at his hand, at his ring and she’s widening her eyes for a second. Then Aaron’s coming through the door, alone this time, and his face is almost falling and Robert wants the ground to swallow him up.
“I really haven’t been filled in then.” Charlotte says, tries to laugh it off but her cheeks redden in embarrassment.
Robert goes to speak, sees Aaron hovering nearby and he can’t get his words out right.
So Rebecca struggles to stand up and Charlotte helps her up and they both scurry off to whisper about how pathetic Robert Sugden is and always will be.
Aaron just stays there awkwardly, orders a massive cookie to maybe just tug at Robert’s heart strings that little bit more and then he’s asking if Robert’s okay.
“Do one Aaron.” He doesn’t mean to be unkind, just hates how he’s feeling.
Aaron doesn’t, just raises an eyebrow. “I didn’t do anything.”
Robert feels tears well his eyes, thinks he’s crazy for getting so emotional. “Yeah, you don’t even need to though do ya. You just walk in here and make it impossible for me to move on just like you are -”
Aaron looks like he’s going to cry, shakes his head and frowns. “I’m sorry.” He blurts out. “Liv thought it would be alright if we tried to be -”
“It’s too hard Aaron.” Robert whispers, head down. “Being your mate? Getting along? I can’t Aaron. Please.”
Aaron nods his head, tenses and goes to speak before deciding against it, leaving.
::
Rebecca’s only got a month left until she pops and Robert would be lying if he says he doesn’t want to meet him already.
He’s thrown himself into that life, the one where he’ll be a dad next month and he’ll have to completely forget the life he had with Aaron.
Aaron. He hasn’t shown his face for a while, Liv has though and she’s becoming herself around him again.
All it takes is a strawberry smoothie and a brownie after school everyday and yeah, she’s not hating him as much anymore.
“How comes you and Aaron are still so frosty?” Liv asks, pointlessly sucking the straw despite knowing it’s already empty.
Robert stops buttering a roll and raises his head. “We’re not. I just told him I couldn’t be his mate, that’s all.”
Liv raises an eyebrow. “Yeah I gathered that.” She says, annoyed. “It would explain his conversation with Adam the other night.”
Now Robert’s intrigued.
“Oh yeah?” He puts down the knife and gulps. “What was that about?”
Liv squints her eyes and using the chair next to her as a stool despite how many times Robert keeps telling her not to. “Like I’d grass.” She says, like there’s loads she can’t say. “Let’s just say, he thought it was a good start, being mates with ya for once. You saying you don’t want that was sorta like a slap round the face.”
Robert’s eyes flutter because he can understand why it would be but - he still feels the same. He still can’t quite understand how they’d ever be mates.
Rebecca’s shuffling through the door and complaining about being hot, it gives Robert the chance to think of something else for a little while as he helps her sit down and reminds Liv to keep her feet on the ground.
::
He thinks he maybe should apologise to Aaron, explain himself, be able to talk like a normal adult but he bottles it.
Instead he gets roped into painting Rebecca’s room and finds it weirdly relaxing. So he starts painting in his spare time like a loser. Doug keeps telling him it’s great, says he can take up gardening next if he wants and Robert tries his best to smile through the embarrassment.
Liv’s impressed by his painting, says that the colours look well together and he can’t explain why it makes him so happy.
He pushes his confidence into his son’s room, starts drawing trees on the walls and even Vic is impressed.
He doesn’t ache when he thinks about Aaron for a whole two days.
But then he sees him again. He looks good, he always does but he looks better than usual. He has a tight shirt on, muscles on show, hand ruffled through his hair and the checkered shitbag is with him.
He hasn’t seen said shitbag for a while but seeing him standing there, smiling at Aaron and then sitting himself down, it’s enough to make his blood boil.
He makes them their coffees, gulps hard and attempts to say something to Aaron but he’s already gone back to his seat.
Robert watches them like a nutter, wonders if they are actually dating now that he’s becoming a firm fixture by Aaron’s side. He makes Aaron smile, rolls his eyes a little and chuckle as he sips his coffee and Robert hates him. He thinks about grilling Liv but then thinks against it because the last thing he wants is for her to think she’s being used only for that when it’s not the case.
It’s near to closing time, music around the cafe soft and slowing and Bob is running off to get the kids so Robert has to lock up again. They’re still sitting there and he tries to busy himself by the tables near the till so that he isn’t going full on stalker mode.
“How about we get out of here?” The twat asks, hands dancing close to Aaron’s. “Back to mine?”
Robert wants to be sick, nearly is.
“I’m not ready for that,” Aaron hisses and Robert’s legs turn to jelly. “Ya know I’m not, it’s all too new, too fresh.”
“Maybe it has something to do with us sitting a few feet away from the scumbag.”
Robert wants to throttle the twat and chuck him out of his cafe, well Bob’s cafe, but then Aaron’s frowning harsh.
“It’s not that. Well yeah, but - Luke we have a laugh don’t we?” Aaron sounds like he’s nervous and Robert hates how this Luke is making him feel. “It’s just a bit too soon.”
It should be enough, Robert goes round the counter and tries to empty the steaming coffee and then he sees Luke squeezing round Aaron’s upper thigh and then hears the scrap of a chair and -
To say he’s scalded himself is a bit dramatic, but there’s steaming hot coffee boiling his hand and fuck it hurts.
“Shit, shit shit, fuck -” Robert’s swearing his head off and Aaron’s staring at him with wide eyes, leaving Luke to make his way out of the cafe.
“You idiot.” Aaron chastises him, runs off to get a cold towel and presses it against Robert’s hand.
Robert wonders if he feels it too, the spark that surges between them still. It makes Robert shudder but Aaron just stands there, looks exactly the same.
“This was bound to happen.” Robert winces, takes the cloth from Aaron and runs the tap, ice cold water shocking him as he looks at his red hand. “Looking any better?” He wonders, tilts his head towards Aaron and then looks at the younger man who’s eyes are fixed on the silver band which Robert still wears.
“Yeah a little.” Aaron clears his throat and then chews at his lip. “Sorry about you seeing that, or hearing that, with Luke.”
Robert hates how Aaron apologises to him, hates it so much.
“Seemed keen.” Robert tries to joke, it doesn’t meet his eyes though.
Aaron rolls his eyes and then he’s signing hard, pressing his back against the counter. “It was moving too fast anyway.” He says, “We weren’t, we *never -”
“You don’t need to talk to me about that Aaron. Any of it. It’s not my place anymore.” Robert snaps, the thought of hearing about lucky fellas getting their hands on Aaron makes him want to cry.
Aaron turns red. “What do we talk about then?”
Robert cringes, his hand is wrapped up in the cloth still as he stands there awkwardly. “We don’t have to Aaron. I don’t know what you want from me, what you want me to say.” Aaron goes to speak. “Because I can’t talk to ya about what I was doing last night.” Aaron turns a shade paler and Robert shakes his head, tries to communicate that it wasn’t anything fruity or whatever. “I was painting Rebecca’s room for the baby, the baby who will be here this time next month Aaron.”
He sees the way Aaron’s face drops, he sees the hurt in his eyes and then the way he gulps.
“That isn’t going away.” Robert promises Aaron, realises that they needed to say this to each other, that they still seem to need to hurt each other for the greater good. They’ll never move on properly if they don’t.
Aaron nods sadly, “Neither is that though is it.” He whispers, points towards Robert’s ring and then he’s fighting back tears and Robert feels like a dick.
“I’m sorry.” Robert explains. “I’m sorry I can’t let go of it yet.”
Aaron shudders, suddenly pulls his hand up and strokes Robert’s cheek, turning the older man’s body to jelly again as his heart practically melts in his chest. “I get it.” He says, lets his hand linger, lets Robert become haunted by the tears in his blue eyes and then his gone again.
::
Robert paints again tonight.
Paints his feelings or whatever.
Only uses blue paint.
::
Rebecca has a full on break down and Robert doesn’t see it coming.
She suddenly thinks she’s useless, rubs her belly protectively as she sits in the rocking chair Vic bought her and cries her heart out.
“I’m no expert but I doubt that’s good for the baby.” Robert reasons because he hasn’t mastered a soft voice for Rebecca yet. He only has one for Vic and Liv and *Aaron. He passes her a tissue, watches her chest heave up and down as she takes it.
“I don’t know how to do this.” Rebecca flies a hand up, eyeliner smudge, mascara races down her face. “Robert, I can’t do this.”
Robert gulps hard, comes closer towards her. “Where’s this come from?”
Rebecca hesitates like she wants to keep it to herself and then she sighs heavily. “Saw Aaron today, he wished me luck for everything.” She pulls a face. “He was kind, better than before. I felt this pain in my stomach and he -”
Robert’s eyes widen in panic that he didn’t know was even there in his heart.
“He sat me down, asked Bob to get me a tea.” Robert goes to speak and she shakes her head. “You were sorting a delivery, I specifically didn’t want him calling you out.”
Robert thinks about Aaron helping her and something twists in his chest. He doesn’t know how exactly to feel. Surprised? Maybe, because Aaron had said awful things before, he basically said he’d be glad if the baby died and now he was helping keep the baby okay.
“If he wasn’t there, I might have lost him, through my sheer panic.” Rebecca rolls her eyes. “I would have drove to the hospital -”
“We said you weren’t going to drive any -”
“Exactly.” Rebecca shudders, rubs her stomach again and flicks hair out of her way. “I’m ridiculous.”
Robert has a hand on her knee. “Yeah well what does that make me?” She manages to smile at him and he feels like he did when he was younger, when Rebecca used to smile at him like he was the only light in the world. It tugs at his heart a little and he wants to protect her. It’s like she’s a younger sister, one who has wronged him, one who he has wronged too.
“I’ll be here.” Robert says, “And we’ll love him as much as we can, I guess.”
Rebecca frowns, “You guess?”
“I know.” Robert corrects.
And he does, he really does know.
::
Adam’s always had a big mouth, it’s just a standard thing really.
So yeah his booming voice carries through the cafe and he hears him gossiping with Bob as he passes him over sandwich.
“Between you and me, he’s eating his words. I mean, he wanted to push for the whole mates thing and it didn’t work out right.”
Robert backs away, manoeuvres himself into the little side room and listens in.
“You’ve got to see how hard that must be for him though, being mates with Aaron would have been hard.”
“Yeah I know, it could have led to something though.” Adam sighs. “You never know.”
“What with his baby on the way?” Bob makes sense, Robert loves Bob. “I doubt he’d be on board now.”
“Well maybe he just wants Robert to try.” Robert rolls his eyes, he isn’t psychic. “Again. Maybe he’s ready.”
Something bubbles in Robert’s chest and he fights back a smile.
::
Robert has another dream about Aaron. He’s standing there, arms outstretched, tears in his eyes and he says: ‘I still miss you.’
Robert has to rub Aaron’s ring a few times before he settles down again, suddenly realising that he needs to try and get Aaron back again.
One last time.
::
Aaron comes in with Adam, it’s freezing outside and he comments about it, of course he does, he’s always moaning about being cold.
“Yes Robert,” Adam’s got into the habit of slamming his hand down on the counter and Robert always has to roll his eyes. “Two coffees, one slice of toast and a bacon sandwich for me.”
Robert sighs. “I’m not doing bacon.” He says, “It spits out at me and I’m not going through that for you.” He says, voice dry and a smirk on his face that makes Adam scowl.
“Well thank God, Bex is the one pushing out your kid eh?” Adam says roughly, no bite in his words as he turns back towards the sofa.
Robert waits until he’s gone to use the loo before he comes over and settles the coffees down, passes over Aaron’s toast and then a cookie too.
“Didn’t order that.” Aaron says, phone in hand as he points towards his favourite cookie they sell.
Robert nods, “It’s to say thanks, Bex told me you helped her the other day.”
Aaron looks almost embarrassed and flushes pink. “No bother.” He says, “It was no big deal.”
Yet it was. It was a massive deal to Robert and he doesn’t know if Aaron can work that out.
“Yeah well it was to me.” Robert stands awkwardly over Aaron and then bites the bullet, sits opposite him. “You know, after everything …”
“I wasn’t myself when I said all that.” Aaron’s eyes flicker up to Robert’s like he wants him to hear this. “Do you know that?”
It seems suddenly vital that he does, it seems like Aaron wants to scream it at Robert until he does know that he’d never want to harm Rebecca or their baby.
“Yeah. I know you Aaron.” Robert whispers, tilts the plate towards Aaron and smiles. “Enjoy.” He adds before he’s up and away and he’s missing the smirk on Aaron’s face as he eats.
::
It’s getting colder, Rebecca’s about to drop and Robert’s life is beyond hectic whilst Aaron’s seems to be going at a soft pace.
Everyone’s wanting a hot chocolate nowadays.
Bob helps him step it up a gear (the whole ‘get Aaron back’ operation)
He orders this funny shape maker and Robert can’t help but get this silly love sick cheesy idea which usually makes him feel sick.
He starts dusting smiley faces into Aaron’s hot chocolates.
“You are pretty love sick aren’t ya?” Liv comes in, smirk on her face and Vic walking with her.
Robert instantly feels like he’s in for a grilling or something.
“He’s always been a bit of a smitten kitten though, some things never change.” Vic comments, smiling as they approach the counter.
“You what?” Robert asks, knows what they’re on about, wants to know how they know though. Has Aaron been finding it absolutely ridiculous?
“You’ll be giving him love hearts next.” Liv pouts playfully and then Robert’s bright red, working around Bob who is fighting a grin.
“How’d ya know about that?” Robert grumbles out.
“Adam picked up Aaron’s the other day by accident, laughed his head off.” Robert growls, he can see it now and he wants to smack the stupid idiot. “Aaron doesn’t mind it all that much though.” Liv continues and Robert’s eyes brighten at her words.
“No?” Robert feels something tighten in his stomach and he’s suddenly too hot, his white shirt sticks to his arms.
“Said it was sweet. Then told Adam to fu -”
Robert stops Liv, tells her off and then he’s grinning to himself until it’s closing time.
::
It becomes a thing.
Robert gets all creative, takes an age to dust over the coco just right so that it looks good.
“Flipping heck just confess your undying love.” Nicola snaps, makes Robert turn red and he’s suddenly thankful that Aaron’s in the bathroom.
“Shut it Nicola.” Robert doesn’t even look up, just keeps dusting over the coco like he’s in a world of his own.
When Aaron comes out everyone’s staring at him and Robert passes over his coffee, fights a smile and relishes in the way Aaron thanks him with a curt nod of the head.
It shouldn’t make him melt like this he thinks, because Aaron was his husband wasn’t he? He’d gone through this pathetic falling in love stage and it had been beyond messy, he can’t do that all again.
He can’t help himself though, he’s in too deep and he falls into this pattern of making Aaron feel special or something, in his own little way.
But it doesn’t pay off.
Aaron’s tapping his foot against the floor loud, Liv sitting opposite him with her phone up towards her face.
He’s leaning in and trying to talk to her and then she’s shifting her body away from him. It looks tense from where Robert is stood, behind the counter, Bob in his ear telling him to do something.
So he does, he comes over with a hot chocolate and a smiley face and a cream slice.
“Didn’t order anything Rob.” Aaron snaps, hand over his face as Robert stands there, his navy blue shirt sticks to his back as he becomes flustered and confused. “If I wanted something, I’d have paid for it myself. I don’t need your hand outs.”
Liv’s eyes widen and her phone is abandoned. “It’s a cream slice.” She almost echoes Robert’s exact thoughts.
“I didn’t mean to -”
Aaron suddenly stands. “You think you can really buy back what we had through stupid messages in hot chocolates. You broke it Robert. You ruined it so stop trying to fix it again.” He’s almost screaming at Robert and the older man stands back, lets him and then watches as Aaron calms down, as the realisation hits his face and oh -
There’s the regret for causing a scene, embarrassing Robert so publicly.
“You’re wasting your time.” Aaron tells him, calm now, voice still icy enough to hurt though.
Liv looks horrified, tears swell in her eyes and then she’s following her brother out the door.
::
“That was your fault that.” Robert tells Bob, the cafe is closed and he’s tackling the coffee machine which has been on the blink all day, talking about Aaron’s outburst and of course blaming Bob for telling him to go over.
“I didn’t know he was going to be like that.” Bob says, doesn’t want the blame. “He’s probably stressed about something else, taking it out on you.”
Robert pulls something and clicks something else. “That’s nice of him.” He says sarcastically before hearing Bob’s phone ring. “You get that.” He says, tries to turn something in the machine.
“Ah. Yes, no that’s fine I’ll be there.” Bob makes promises over the phone, something about picking up the kids again and Robert wants to throttle him.
“This needs fixing.” Robert explains, makes a point by hitting the stupid machine.
Bob pulls a face. “And you’re doing a grand job.” He says, all smiles as he fetches his coat and unites his apron. “Look if it’s still acting up in ten minutes, leave it alright?” He says before he’s dashing off and leaving Robert.
Robert decides to think about Aaron again, question what exactly he’d done to make him react that way. He thinks and thinks and then takes his frustration out on the glossy coffee machine which just won’t pour.
Then he’s clicking something and warm milk is spluttering out everywhere, splashing over his shirt, over his jeans and won’t stop until -
He doesn’t even know how, but Aaron’s there, pressing a switching and holding out a few tissues for Robert and he looks a lot calmer than he did before.
“Cheers.” Robert gulps hard, takes the tissues and then just stands there looking at Aaron, then back towards his ruined shirt. “Do you mind waiting here a second, I’ve got another shirt in the back that I can change into.”
Aaron raises an eyebrow, “Course ya do.” He says and something flutters in Robert’s stomach as he goes.
When he comes back through Aaron’s already clearing up the mess and his heart tugs. “You don’t need to do that, it’s fine, I can manage.” Robert says, comes closer and then Aaron’s looking down towards the counter, looks like he can’t speak. “Aaron?”
“You keep it round your neck?” Aaron whispers, finally lifts his head and stares at the gleaming silver line of the chain which Robert still wears. Robert blushes, thought it would cover by his shirts. “My ring.” Aaron adds thickly, like he can’t believe it.
Robert clears his throat, “Why did you come here Aaron?” He whispers.
“To apologise. For hurting ya. I didn’t mean to snap like that Rob.” Aaron says, turns towards Robert. “Even when we’re not together I’m pushing ya away.” He holds his head like it hurts and Robert hates himself for making him like this again.
He was happy a few weeks ago, then he started dusting smiley faces into Aaron’s hot chocolates and it all went down hill from there.
“It’s okay.” Robert lies, because it hurt like hell but Aaron doesn’t have to actually hear that. What good would that do? “Apology accepted.” He nods his head and it’s so formal that it aches.
Aaron lingers though, like he’s not ready to leave and Robert doesn’t know what to say. “Why did you start doing all that anyway?” He says, eyes fluttering towards the floor.
Robert gulps, this is too painful, too raw and he hates it. “Because I’m selfish.” Aaron looks up like he didn’t expect to hear that. “Because I wanted you to know I care when I should just - just leave you alone -”
“That’s not what I want.”
It’s so heavy in the air, Aaron’s green jumper jumps out and grabs Robert’s attention and everything is Too Much.
“What?” Robert blurts out, tears in his eyes, tears falling. He’s got Aaron’s words on repeat in his mind, telling him they’re broken, that there’s no going back, that he can never be with him. Robert breathes out heavily, hands flying. “Well then what do you want then?” He says, a hand through his hair, face wet. “Because I’m *struggling Aaron. There, I said it. I can’t keep doing this when I have ‘no idea what you even want and I -”
Aaron’s stepping forward, has his hands on Robert’s face and he’s crying too, the way he always does when he’s overwhelmed.
“You. I just - all I’ve ever wanted, is you. You, Robert. Just -” Robert can feel him, he’s so close, lips brushing against lips, hands falling into hair and then -
Robert’s phone is ringing and the minute is crushed because Aaron’s telling him to get it and he doesn’t want to. He wants everything in the world to wait but it can’t.
It’s Vic, she’s rambling and -
Rebecca’s in labor apparently.
::
He’s healthy, he’s soft and he’s got whisps of white hair which should golden. There’s a few freckles on his face and he has gentle unassuming eyes filled with wonder.
They’re a hazel colour, spotted with specs of green and blue.
And he’s beautiful.
Everyone says so.
“I think we did good.” Rebecca says, exhausted yet still glowing as she lays there, looks at Robert holding the baby in his arms. “Even if it wasn’t meant to happen.”
Robert raises an eyebrow. “We did good.” He says, tries not cry.
::
Rebecca names him Gabriel and Robert doesn’t roll his eyes at the name, he likes it a little actually.
“He’s just precious isn’t he?” Diane whispers as Robert holds him, lets her gently stroke his hair. “And you’ve got him tonight?” She checks and Robert nervously nods.
Rebecca’s still exhausted and she asked if Robert wouldn’t mind having him for the night. He’d said yes when he wanted to scream that he wasn’t sure. But he’s been good as gold so far and he can’t complain too much, not when he’s in his arms.
Doug rubs his hands together, “Oh lovely, little Gabriel can watch Love Your Garden with us.” He says, settles down on the sofa and elbows Robert who actually doesn’t mind.
::
“Gabriel? As in the angel?” Of course Liv twigs that and of course she’s got something to say about it. “How could you make an angel Gabriel?”
Robert laughs at her, throws a straw in her direction and waits for her to say something else.
“Can I come see him?” Liv asks, maybe thinks out loud and then Aaron’s behind her.
Robert’s mouth goes dry and he feels sick. He hasn’t see Aaron for days, not since -
Well before he had a baby, a son, a responsibility. He supposes everything has changed for Aaron now that everything is real. Robert hates how the younger man has probably realised everything he said was wrong and pathetic and that he doesn’t want a single dad after all. Not after everything.
“Maybe uh - I mean, it depends.” Robert gives her half an answer and she knows better than to pry, so she says something about being late for the bus and leaves her brother standing there with his hands in his pockets.
“Bob’s just gone to get milk.” Robert explains, wonders if that’s what Aaron wants.
Aaron nods his head, looks almost in pain as he smiles. “Congratulations.” He blurts out and Robert doesn’t know where to look because he’d ran out the cafe after Aaron told him to go and he hadn’t caught him up on anything. He hadn’t told him everything was fine, he hadn’t had a minute to.
“Thank you.” Robert whispers, “Honest.”
Aaron gulps hard, like he’s really trying. “I bet he’s got your freckles, I always thought that -” he stops himself and bites his lip. “I bet he has.”
“He does yeah.” Robert says, wants to hug Aaron, wants to tell him he loves him still and that he can do this, they can do this. But then the door is opening and Rebecca’s walking through looking as pale as a ghost and Gabriel’s there, right in front of Aaron and -
He watches Aaron run away, doesn’t even call out for him to stop.
::
Aaron disappears for a while with Liv and Adam says they’ve gone to Ireland, says nothing more but Robert knows why.
He cries when he tells Diane that he won’t come back, that he knows now that Aaron won’t ever love him because of Gabriel.
Because of his little boy who never cries with him, who holds his hand really tightly and never seems to kick up too much of a fuss with his mum either.
There’s nothing he can do about Gabriel, wouldn’t want to do anything now that he’s here. So he focuses on his little boy and himself and as the leaves fall he manages to get himself a flat just outside the village.
It’s not poxy, just not lavish and Robert wants to call it home.
He spends his nights there, painting walls and moving furniture and sometimes Bob even helps.
“Maybe it’s not my place to say this but,” Bob smiles. “I reckon your dad would be pretty proud of you Robert.” He says and something warms across Robert’s heart, makes him want to believe it.
He fixes up the spare room for Gabriel, uses his painting ‘skills’ to create an underwater world for him and he gets approval from Rebecca, and Vic and even Doug likes it (despite being bitter that his garden theme idea didn’t get passed his own mouth)
::
Christmas is a week away suddenly and Robert contemplates spending it alone, in his new flat.
He thinks about Aaron, of course he does, and about how he’s still away with Liv. He thinks about him being happier, away from Gabriel and reminders and hurt and that makes Robert smile a little, manages to stop the pain in his chest for a few minutes at least.
It’s closing time, Bob’s at the twins nativity and Robert’s attempting to pull tinsel out from one of the machines, has no clue how it got there in the first place but keeps going.
Even when the door chimes open.
“We’re closed, sorry.” Robert says, tugs harder and doesn’t even look back.
“I don’t think I can wait until tomorrow.”
It’s his voice, and everything seems to melt in Robert’s chest because it’s Aaron’s voice packed with nerves and -
Robert spins around, drops the tea towel from his shoulder and stares at him. He gazes, notices how healthier Aaron looks now, he’s wearing a burgundy jumper, tight jeans and a smile on his face which is watery, matching his eyes.
“Aaron, I thought you’d -” Robert can’t speak, feels his mouth turn to sandpaper again. “What are you doing here?”
Aaron blows out a breath, “I thought it would be better, not seeing you or him, but it’s not. Because I’m miserable without you.”
Robert shakes his head. “And you hurt yourself when you’re with me Aaron. That’s why you left the first time.”
Aaron gulps, “I shouldn’t have blamed you for my own mental -” he blows out a breathe. “I never should have.”
Robert doesn’t know what to say, his eyes water and he can’t cope with the closeness of them, steps back. “We’re not good together Aaron.” He says, defeated. He knows that now, knows that the highs should always outweigh the lows and they never seemed to. “We hurt each other too much, and I’ve got Gab -”
“Could we go and get a coffee or something?” Aaron blurts out, plays with his hands like he’s a child.
Robert feels his chest tighten. “And what good would that do?” He knows this game, they’ve played it for four years now.
Aaron just looks up towards the ceiling and a tear falls down his face. “Please.” He pleads, “I’m ready Rob, to talk, to - to just -”
“I’m never going to be sorry for loving Gabriel.” Robert insists. “I can’t hate him Aaron.” He shudders when he thinks about his son, about how innocent he is in all of this.
Aaron takes a step forward, “I wouldn’t ever want you to.” He says, grabs Robert’s hand and shivers like he feels something again.
“I can’t - can’t have you running away from me again,” Robert drops his head, finds it difficult to speak. “I can’t handle thinking I have you again and then - you leaving.”
Aaron nods his head, he’s so close that Robert can feel Aaron’s forehead against his own. “Let me take you out for coffee, we can take it from there okay?”
Robert looks at Aaron and sees it in his eyes, love, it’s there again, maybe it never left.
“Okay.”
::
It starts with that one coffee a week before Christmas, and it turns into another and another and they talk.
It’s alien yet so normal at the same time.
Aaron meets Gabriel on Christmas Day and it’s odd, it’s soft and unlike anything Robert imagined it would be because Aaron’s eyes didn’t glaze over when Robert handed his son to him. He smiles down at Gabriel, hesitant at first and then warm all of a sudden.
“Merry Christmas.” Aaron whispers, gently looks up towards Robert almost for permission and then he kisses Gabriel’s head, fights back tears.
They spend Christmas together, kiss slowly under the mistletoe Liv planted and it’s everything Robert’s always wanted. It isn’t too fast, it’s soft and they both smile into it with open hearts.
Their coffee dates continue, sometimes with Gabriel, most of the times without and it gets easier.
Somehow Aaron opens up, makes it clear what he wants and what he can handle and they seem to work their way through it. They fight against the hurdles in their way again and again, when it gets too much for Aaron, when Robert feels like he’s pushing his luck.
But they seem to fall together again.
“I want it back.” Aaron says, one night, a hand over Robert’s, Gabriel’s breathing in the background on the baby monitor.
Robert’s eyes widen, the moon is high and he wonders exactly what Aaron’s saying until he feels Aaron tug at his neck and pull out the chain, the ring.
“Are you sure?” Robert holds Aaron’s arms, stops him dead.
“I want this. I do, I do Rob.” Aaron whispers, and Robert’s passes it towards him delicately, freezes though when he hears Gabriel crying on the monitor. He thinks it’s ruined everything suddenly, closes his eyes and there’s an apology on his lips.
But he doesn’t get to say it because Aaron’s pressing a finger on his lips and he’s sliding the ring on. “Go check on him. It’s fine.” He whispers, eyes soft as Robert stands and leaves him. Robert doesn’t know what to do with his heart as he watches Aaron stare down at it, almost in amazement.
He climbs the stairs to where Gabriel is crying and bundles him up in his arms slowly, swaying him back and forth a little.
“I know, I know buddy.” He whispers, looks down at Gabriel and then moves him over to the rocking chair in the corner of the room. “You’re ruining my date kidda,” he teases, “Aaron’s here, yeah I know. It’s Aaron,” his heart jumps when Gabriel’s eyes widen like he knows what that means. “You know I said we were taking it slow now, well he said he loved me yesterday and - Gabes I was so happy. I never thought he’d love me again, but he said he always has, he said he never stopped.” Robert gently touches Gabriel’s cheek. “And he doesn’t hate ya does he? I think he likes ya really. Must be all the charm you get from me.” He rocks back a little and Gabriel’s chest puffs up and down.
“Me and him, we’re really trying ya know. He’s got me going to this painting class, says I’m good. So does Lauren.” His counsellor, it was what Aaron wanted them to do, it helps more than Robert wants to admit. “I think we’re going to be happy this time. I think it’s for keeps this time, I think you’ll grow up loving Liv and him nearly as much as I do and gosh you’ll be so lucky I promise.” He kisses Gabriel’s head, watches his little eyes flutter as he pulls him back down into the cot and comes down the stairs again.
He doesn’t expect to find Aaron there, chin wobbling and one of Gabriel’s teddy’s in his hands. He doesn’t expect Aaron to tell him he heard every word as he looks towards the monitor. He doesn’t expect to be pulled into a crushing hug and kissed on the head, and the neck and see Aaron’s tears rolling down his face.
“He’s lucky already. So am I.” Aaron shudders, hands falling round Robert’s neck. “And I meant it, I love you and this is for keeps I swear. I’m not running.”
“You’re not running.” Robert whispers, like he needs to remember it.
“I’m not.” Aaron insists, eyes still wet. “Because we’re going to take it slow, you’re still here, in your flat and - I’m at the Mill. And when it’s right, that’s when you’ll move in alright?”
Robert blinks once, then twice. “Both of us?” He says, eyes falling on Gabriel’s teddy and feeling the time race by him before Aaron’s nodding.
“Yes. Yes Robert, both of you.” Aaron blows out a breath. “He doesn’t make me sad anymore.”
And that causes almost an explosion in Robert’s heart, makes his knees weak.
It’s enough, Robert thinks, mouth pressed against Aaron’s, head swirling with love and a sense of happiness which he thought had died in him.
It’s enough that he’s still living in the not-quite-poxy flat of his that now stinks of chinese after their takeaway, it’s enough that Aaron’s still at the mill and Liv comes round twice a week for her dinner.
It’s enough that Aaron doesn’t hate Rebecca, holds the door open for her if she’s passing with Gabriel. It’s enough that he can’t make small talk with her just yet.
It’s enough that he works in the cafe sometimes, but has thrown himself into back into the business, has a friend in Bob and goes round to Diane and Doug’s for his tea a few nights a week (especially on Tuesday’s because that’s when Love Your Garden is on and even Gabe knows he has to be quiet for an hour) and only Doug knows the significance of the sunflowers Robert keeps buying Aaron.
“I love you Aaron.” He whispers, the stars are twinkling outside and Aaron’s probably going to stay over and get coffee with him in the morning and -
“I love you too.”
(It’s enough)
