If I were asked to tell you why did I choose you it would be a long story but believe me this is true.
When we were on the talking stage
I asked you so many questions about your past
How many relationships have you had, flings, serious, meet the parents, brought to the house kind of types
I constantly asked you, what do they look like
How did they make you feel
What are the things you love and hate about them
Why did you break up with them
It was like asking for a patient's personal and social history
For me to have additional info to diagnosis
Since that day I promised myself
To be your exe's stuntmant
To do everything that they do not dare to do
Like believe, trust and support you
To be the woman who will straighten your spine
And make you the man who they regret to have
I was so involved in building in you that
I completely ignored my own
Making myself always available
Helping in ways I can
Always in character whatever situation you needed me
Doctor, Songwriter, Girlfriend, Friend, Critic, and Cook
Name it and I will deliver
I never mind, this is what I am supposed to do
I choose you not because I love you
Love is general and often misunderstood
I choose you because you were pure and imperfect
In ways that love can grow and become this beautiful relation
I always say that I am ready to give up everything
Even my dreams and career to simply be your housewife
Because that is how great I put my trust in you
That you are much worth than my own self desires
You don't have to be intimidated by what I am
I am willing to be everything you need me to be
If love were to be described it will be deeper than sacrifice
Love is to offer and I am offering it to you.
I just feel like there's something that I didn't know or something was hidden from me. Although you keep it hidden, I can just see through you. Be honest.
Im still learning to heal from my traumas and sometimes that causes me to act out or push you away but in that moment all I want is for you to comfort me and to hug me and tell me it's okay. I may be in the right in the moment and for that I am sorry. Im trying my best here but some days it gets hard.
I always say to my friends that I am okay now, that I no longer wake up at 2 AM and find myself crying, I also refrained from overthinking and looking back.
As I scroll my gallery, I just found my depressed self hanging out just 4 days ago, but why do I feel like it already has been a year.
This is the last day of January and tomorrow will be a new year. Manifesting things that are supposed to be mine, praying for healing, and gaining back my smile.
Whenever I get into a relationship I always think ahead, and that is marrying that person. I had this habit of imagining myself wearing white walking down the aisle towards the person I am committing my life with. And here's my supposed vow
My love, babe, boo, chubby bunny, _______,
Do you know why I chose you and fell in love with you? It is because you are the jolliest, genuine, gullible at times, and most of all appreciative person that I have ever met.
Remember those days when we were just strangers, there's something in you that I am really drawn to. There's this feeling of comfort, a safe place, and a friend that I can always rely on.
Back in college, I know that you are a great person with lots of capabilities. But you are confined to something that you do not want to pursue. So I try my best to support you in any way that I can.
Time passed and we grew apart, I reached out to you and learned that you are now pursuing what you really want, at that time I am the happiest and proudest person alive. I told you so many times that you don't belong in medicine, you are here in the world to show your artistic side and that is where you are gonna flourish.
You came at the darkest point in my life, where I had so many problems but you've become what I called home. It was unexpected but I know it has a purpose. I fell in love with you because you celebrate my victories, even in their smallest form. You always make sure that I am in the best version of myself, sending me gifts and food so I give you an A for the effort.
You've become my savior, ultimate chica, best friend, and partner. Thank you for being patient with me, at times when I am my evil twin VAGUYNAH (you come from the diaphragm), for being my Vicks vaporub when my head, shoulders, knees, and puson hurts, for always looking out for me when I roll my eyes and put my lips on you. I know that I am the most maldita and palaaway jowa in the world. But I just love the way you make me feel loved and the times where you go crazy for knowing the reason why I am mad, but always remember despite all my katopakan I love you with all my heart. Di kaya kita ipagpapalit.
Naalala mo pa ba na sabi ko dapat pag kinasal tayo yung tugtog Canon D and Perfect mashup in piano. Or di kaya yung worn white ni Katy Perry, sabi ko naman sayo eh dadating din yung araw na yun, this is it.
This day will be our first and last, first day as husband and wife, and automatically the last day of being magjowa. Urrgh I can't wait to be fur parents aaa kidding. I know we've been through a lot, we don't have big fights (yet) but we manage to create our own worlds despite being together and that is what I am very proud of. You let me grow in my own place and I also will help you grow on your ground.
I just want us to promise each other that when big fights come when one of us is being unreasonable, or if one of us made a huge mistake, we must not forget why we are here, how we started, and most importantly our love for each other. No matter the sin we have or the fight we make at the end of the day we will still choose to be together. We have our differences but we are made one in front of God and the whole madlang people over there. So promise me, even when I'm the most hideous creature at that moment, you will hug and kiss and I promise to understand you kahit ibang language ka pa.
I'm so excited to be with you and start our forever. Thank you again for choosing to make it right with me. Kaya humanda ka na rawwr. I love you babe.
I wrote this 2021 but unfortunately, this will no longer be valid.
Saan ba tayo lulugar? Saan tayo magsisimula? Paano natin tatapusin? Ano ano ang dapat gawin?
Mahilig ako magbasa hindi lang ng mga libro pero pati na rin mga pakiramdam. Ang hindi ko maintindihan ngayon, ay kung papaano basahin yung sarili kong nararamdaman. Iba pala talaga kapag nabasa mo lang sa libro kaysa naranasan mo. Kaya nga pala may kasabihan na "experience is the best teacher", dahil hindi lang basta kaalaman ang matututunan mo kung hindi pati ang pakiramdam neto na siyang tatak sa buong pagkatao mo at magiiwan ng marka. Ngayon ang dami kong tanong, hindi ko lang alam kung kanino o sino ang dapat pagtanungan, kung yung tao bang nangiwan o ang mga taong nakaranas na.
Sabi nila may pitong hakbang sa pagluluksa, natutunan ko ito sa dati kong kasintahan. Hindi ba nakakatawa, dati rati ako yung mahilig mangiwan at ang lagi kong dahilan, ay ang hindi ko makita ang sarili ko kasama sila sa future o di nila matumbasan yung kahalagahan ko o di kaya hindi na ako masaya at punong puno na dahil kinikimkim ko ang mga galit ko at mali nila. Pero eto ako ngayon, iniwan sa parehong rason. Balik tayo sa pagluluksa, ang unang hakbang daw ay ang shock and denial, totoo nga naman ikaw ba naman ang biglng sabihan na "Tama na, ayoko na." hindi ka ba magugulat at magdedeny. Dito papasok yung mga kaisipang "Hala baka nabigla ka lang, bakit??! Hindi, ayoko, hindi puwedeeee" at sabay neto ang pagiging manhid at sasabihing "hindi ko na alam kung anong dapat kong maramdaman, I don't know what to feel anymore" Ayan english para kasabot ka. Ang susunod ay ang pain and guilt, sakit, pighati, pagsisisi, labas mareng konsensiya! Mag seself-reflect tayo at isisisi sa sarili natin kung bakit tayo napunta sa ganoong sitwasyon. Kasunod na ang anger and bargaining, susubukan mong ayusin ang nasirang samahan, maririnig mo ang mga salitang "sige na, isa pang chance, subukan natin ulit. kahit ako nalang *insert yung mga kaya mong ibigay na di mo naman binigay nung kayo pa kasi mapride ka* basta huwag mo akong iwan" Kung hindi pa din naayos punta tayo sa susunod na hakbang depression, medyo sensitibong usapin ito pero lahat naman ay nakaranas na neto at unti unti siyang napaguusapan. Kanya kanya tayo ng paraan ng coping mechanism. May iba na gustong mapagisa, umakyat ng bundok at sumigaw, umiyak ng isang linggo, mag kwento sa mga kaibigan, mag self-harm dahil sa paniniwalang "physical pain can kill my emotions", at marami pang iba. Eto yung stage na can't eat can't sleep, di ko kayang tanggapin ala april boy regino moments. If you have passed this stage, congratulations, you are more than enough! Ready to conquer the world again one day at a time. Moving on sa next stage ang upward turn. Kung naiwan ka na, naranasan mo nalang mawala sa sarili yung para kang nagtake ng exam, nagpuyat ka magdamag pero wala kang maalala na kahit ano. Hindi mo na nga madistingish ano ang kanan sa kaliwa kasi technically you're lost. FYI walang gps at google maps sa love. Sa upward turn stage, relaxed ka na. Kaunti nang bumabalik ang kaluluwa mo sa katawang tao mo. At sunod sunod na ang pagbangon mo simula rito. Hanggang sa acceptance and hope. Wala pa ako doon kaya hanggang dito muna ako.
Madami pa din akong tanong, pero siguro in time ako rin ang makakasagot neto. Pwede pa namang umasa pero huwag mo nang sagarin, panahon lang ang makakahilom at makakapagpatatag sa iyo.
I was relieved to have enough sleep last night. Yesterday was tough and waking up I know today will be the same. The news of a parent being still positive after 3 swabs is deteriorating plus my own problems, I don't know how I will cope. The first days of this year has already been hard so how can I look positively for the remaining days of the year. As much as possible I try to calm myself, I try not to cry when there is silence so I keep myself busy by watching funny vids and pretending. My mom shouldn't know what I am going through so I atleast try to keep my head as low as possible to hide my swelling eyes and to sneeze as much to hide my silent tears. Be as normal as possible.
I never thought that I would see the day
That I'd decide if I should leave or stay
But in the end what makes it worth the fights
That no matter what happens we try to make it right
Leaves will soon grow from the bareness of trees
And all will be alright in time
From waves overgrown come the calmest of seas
And all will be alright in time
Oh, you never really love someone until
You learn to forgive
You learn to forgive
Learn to forgive
It was the only song that can make me calm because it tells me that "all will be alright in time". I mean sure cause nothing is permanent in the world but change. Through time we can make things possible again.
Yet I'm hoping that our feelings for each other will never change but our attitude towards our problems. I believe that we can make it right this time.
I had a dream although not clear, I can still see you and me. I woke up at 3 AM with runny nose and tears on my face. Hoping it was another dream until my dog bit me. Everything flashed back at me, even the sound of your voice saying “Im giving up”. I’ve never thought that we’ve come to this point, where giving up is your only option. I couldn’t sleep anymore so I tried to trace our memories through your highlights and video clips, I couldn’t help but smile I am glad to have been by your side. I am still hoping for another chance, to show you that we are worthwhile. Everywhere I look reminds me of you, the lights in my room, our sofa, the dining chair, our kitchen, the grocery store, the parking slot beside our neighbor, my hair dryer and iron. Even though I have a faint sense of smell, I can still imagine the smell of your perfume, the smell of kimchi fried rice, even the smell of the bathroom after you do your business. It makes me so weak that in all things I can’t help but see you. You’ve been through a lot and worse, I drained up your energy and eventually lost you. But I will do whatever it takes for you to regain it, i just hope that the love you have for me is greater than my sins, and someday you’ll be able to find your place again here with me.
Bigla nalang ako mapapaisip, siguro minsan kahit maliit ang mundo kung hindi na talaga kayo dapat magtagpo lalaki ang bawat kalsada at dadami ang iskinita na pwede niyong daanan. Nawalan ako ng kaibigan, matalik na kasama. Kung tutuusin siya lang ang tunay sa lahat dahil maraming dumaan, nabuong samahan pero sa kanya lang ako nagbigay ng tiwala at pangakong panghabang buhay. Tulad ng karamihan, nagkahiwalay kami hindi dahil nagkagalit pero dahil bubuo kami ng sarisariling pangarap. Kahit malayo kami sa isa’t isa at iba na ang naging takbo ng mga buhay ay tiyak na siya pa din ang hahawak sa titulong matalik na kaibigan. Hindi ko pa din matanggap o maunawaan kung bakit nauna siya. Naririnig ko pa din mga tawa niya at nakikita mga ngiti niya. Tandang tanda ko pa mga hilig niyang gawin at mga kilos niya. Naramdaman ko na ngayon kung paano maiwan. Walang matakbuhan, makausap dahil kami lang naman talagang dalawa ang nagkakaintindihan. Ang hirap magluksa na nagiisa, kung tutuusin yung salitang condolence, hindi siya comforting, minsan nakakainis madalas nakakarindi. Pero wala naman kasing salita na makakapagpagaan ng loob mo kapag nawalan ka. Ang mas masakit, wala nang makakaalala sa akin. Wala nang magpapatunay ng mga karanasan, magsasabing alam kong kayang mo yan dahil kilala kita. Yung pagkawala mo katumbas na din ng paglaho ko. Mabilis lang talaga ang buhay, hind mo mamamalayan. Salamat na rin at napagtanto ko na madami akong pagkukulang hindi lang sayo pati na rin sa iba. Hindi ko alam paano magsimula ulit pero para sayo panaatilihin kong buhay ang mga alaala mo.
I feel like my body is okay. I don’t compare it with other girls who have D cup breasts and tiny waists, not even thinking the need to mold it or change just to follow their figures.
But sometimes everything that we believe in changes, like newton’s first law of motion. And in reality that outside force is what we call love.
When we are in love, we become conscious of ourselves. Men and women are different in so many ways especially when it comes to facing the world and finding love. We try to focus more on our physical appearances, because they say “men are visual creatures” like an animal on hunt they tend to prey on other creatures with symmetrical features.
This change can lead to hurting us, even though they don’t mean it, even if it’s nothing, it hurts us. Everything we thought to be fine is not enough.
Now I feel like my body is not okay. I started comparing it with other girls who have perfect bodies, thinking of changing and follow their figures. I hate to be in a competition like this, what’s the price?
wrote this last 2017 for three persons (1) POV of the girl (2) Someone new (3) Current boy (which I referred to as “the other” since idk, he was not just the focus here)
Disclaimer: this is just a freehand and purely emotions.
(1/3)Being in a situation where you utterly feel like being torned between two. It sucks. It really sucks. Trying to find the right words not only to calm the other but also making it feel loved effortlessly while on the other hand keeping it normal like there is nothing going on. You yourself know that it shouldn't be happening because you felt secured of what you already have but then that thing came along where all you see are butterflies around you, and you try to chase and grab it because it's something so beautiful you cannot let it go. Then there's the other one, holding you so tight and not thinking to let you go, keeping you safe in its arms, another beautiful thing not worthy of letting it go. Two beautiful things making you feel important and letting you see wonderful scenes, are slowly tearing you apart. Now you, really torned. Wasted so much feeling, that you cannot feel for yourself anymore. Now what will you do.
(2/3) Hi. You beautiful thing. I wish I could see more of you. I am so curious about you the day you landed on my hands. Where did you come from? Have I seen you before? Are you looking for someone else? or Are you really here for me? Everything was normal when you came. I was not alone that day, in fact I have the other one. You came flying around and at that moment I really can't stop gazing at you. I really wanted to grab you and hold you for at least I don't know how long. I tried. I really tried. I thought that it will be easy chasing you but I was wrong. You kept on flying away while I kept on waiting for you to just stay. I know that I should be mad at times you make me angry but surprisingly I am not. I became so jealous when you started landing on others hand. Even though it was hard, nothing stopped me from trying to reach you. And that was what I am scared of. I was so amazed by how beautiful you are, that now, I cannot let you go.
(3/3) To the other one. I love you. You saved me from all the cruelty of this life. You kept on coming whenever I was in pain. I thank you for letting me stay in your arms. For trying to figure out every signs or gestures I make. For really believing in me. For including me in your dreams. I am so afraid to let you go because I was afraid to be in pain again. But what I cannot understand now is how can I be in so much pain with you holding me. I am trying to figure this out on my own, I can't bear watching you tear up because of my weaknesses.
We created a world together, only you and I are the people living in it. It was formed by love, strengthened by faith and trust. Even though it was established already, it wasn't ready to face the real world. We occupied spaces together, adding things to our world, sugar and spice to make everything nice, sun and moon setting in place with clouds that gather heavy rains. Storm came yet we shine through, that rainbow did it's job well. But there's one thing we forgot, we keep revolving within our world when the real world collided with us, we forgot our own worlds, I've become dependent on ours when it was supposed to be you and i (individually together, I was excited to explore other worlds and see what my I am capable of doing. I instantly left you alone in our world, which become for me like “pluto” a massive object orbiting the sun.
I thought that I was doing the right choice and was ready set myself free, yet it was a trap, a blackhole actually. It slowly pulled me down in the vast sea of blackness. I forgot how the rainbow looked like, and how the rain drops and splashes. I remember your smile, your laugh, and your eyes oh they’re like a million stars blinking as one. Everything you’ve done sinked in to me,all the beauty of your sacrifices and love reminisced within me, but I'm here trapped in this cold lonely gravity where I can no longer see or grasp light. I wish that all the stars be in your favor, and that you will always see the rainbow behind the clouds.
I am okay now, slowly recovering from that sinking sh*t. There's only one question i need to ask, If the world is small, how come we didn't cross paths again?
