Enlighten @rockb0ttom - Tumblr Blog

12/21/17

I’m frustrated. Let me break it down for you.

-I’ve been unemployed for two weeks. I’m broke. I’m in debt. I have debt callers contacting me several times a day. My mom said she wouldn’t help me. She said they’re going to take my car. I applied at 15+ places and every single one said they’re done hiring for the holidays. I’m frustrated.

-I stayed at Nigel’s house last weekend, first week of break for him. I was on my period. He had an issue, as usual, with me saying no. I told him no and he was like “we can put a towel down”, and “I promise it doesn’t bother me” (that I was on my period), etc and I kept saying no. So I laid on top of him awkwardly and he kept playing with me, probably trying to persuade me. I laid there unresponsive. We eventually got up to eat and I sat there quiet and he apologized and said he “realized now” that he was “probably annoying”. I think I said it was fine or something, because in my mind I already decided that i’m not going to hangout with him when I’m bleeding for the sole purpose of him lacking self control and respect for me. Then to make it worse we went to eat at a nice restaurant with his family and family friends and I had nothing to wear but lulus and a white shirt with my hunter boots. My hair looked like shit and I just felt so ugly. I felt insecure that I didn’t own nice clothes like them. They dress so nice all the time. They have so much money and all Nigel wears is lululemon. I felt like a piece of trash. He sensed something was wrong and tried to talk to me about it but I didn’t want to talk about it because, well, ego. But I ended up crying on the bathroom floor for awhile about it. My roots are dark, my makeup is trash, my clothes are ugly and worn out, I just didn’t know how a person could love me. I just let it go and had a nice dinner.

-Emma will not give me my shit back. She called me psycho, said I must be drunk, and threatened to call the cops on me. She won’t give me my clothes and I have asked her several times to bring them to my house, to my car, to her own porch, if I can come inside to grab them, everything. She just wont do it. I contacted her mom via messenger on facebook in hopes that she will back me up. But who knows, she did give birth to that thing so she might be just as petty. I could sue her in small claims court but that’s a lot of work over two clothing items. I should let it go.. it’s just two things. But it’s mine. And I don't want to let her have the satisfaction of having it.

-After this thing with Emma I told Nigel about it and he kinda blew it off and proceeded to send me a picture of him in a hot tub. Earlier while I was at the gym he told me instead of coming home early Thursday, he won’t be home til after 4 and it would be best to hangout Friday. Whatever. Anyways he just got on my effing nerves because he always talks about himself but when I try to tell a story he doesn’t listen. Noone does. I know my life is sad and depressing and shit but why sign up for that and tell me youre here for me and that you want to listen if you actually fucking don't? I Just need someone to talk to, to blow off steam. I get he’s on vacation but a little fucking sentence or two would suffice. And he said earlier that when he comes home Friday he will need “cuddles” which is code for sex... he never just comes out and says it. It’s so frustrating. Just be open and tell me you want to fuck me.. it’s hot. But not tell me you want to cuddle because that’s intimate and I know you don’t want to be fucking soft and cuddly. I’m so irritated. I don't even want to give myself to him because I remembered the incident from last weekend and I don’t think he deserves me. Maybe I should just fucking stay home. I hope I get a job so I cant see him all week. I’m so fucking frustrated.

-Why cant he take no for an answer. Why can’t anything go my way right now? I’m so frustrated about my situation and I feel like I keep trying and nothing is working. I have applied at so many places and tried but no one is giving me a chance. I want to build something for myself and I can’t do that if no one will give me a fucking chance. I want to pay my bills, I want to pay off my debts, I want to save, I want to get ahead. I want to look nice. I want to do things for my mom’s birthday and for Christmas. I want to be successful. I don’t want my credit to be tarnished. I want to have an apartment in downtown Detroit some day during my program. I want to do so many things but I can’t do any of it because i’m trapped in this loop called unemployment. How am I supposed to get out of it? Work at fucking McDonalds? I want to go up. I want to get better every day. But it’s really hard when every day starts as me waking up, making breakfast, watching TV, drinking coffee, not doing anything all day until 9pm when I finally go lift. It’s a bad cycle. I sleep in super late because I don’t have anything to do. It’s so frustrating. I feel trapped and I feel like I have no one to go to. I‘ve talked to Cheyenne about it this week when we lifted on Sunday but obviously this is still a big deal for me. I just need some reassurance. I’m a lot to handle I feel like. idk. i’m just not used to being unemployed, to not having money. I don’t know how to handle this shit and I don’t know how to keep my cool when its the fucking holiday season and I only have a quarter tank of gas to last me until I find a job. I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I’ve prayed and prayed and cried and cried some more. I’ve been motivated and positive and ive been hopeful and grateful. I am trapped in this loop of unemployment and idk how much longer I can take. I feel frustrated with Nigel and Emma and my life and i’m scared that ill get depressed. I don’t want to get sucked into it. My anxiety has been an all time high since I‘ve been laid off and it’s obviously unhealthy. It takes a lot out of me to be in a situation like this for so long. I don’t have Eddie, I don’t have anyone to back me up for once. It’s hard. I’m so scared. I’m really trying, trying harder than I ever have before to get a new job and i’m just getting nothing. A job fell into my hands last time and now i’m actually working for it. Idk what to do. Help me.

11/29/17

I just got into the biggest fight with Nigel. The screaming, yelling, cursing, all came back. The person I didn’t want to be came out. It started when Nigel wanted to call me and talk to me about Sunday, how he didn’t stop when I told him to stop, because he still felt really bad and wanted to get that off of his chest. I of course agreed and we talked about it. Then he asked for more details so he can understand my perspective, and then he asked about my past experiences that I told him I‘ve had. So I had no problem telling him about it, but apparently it was hard for him to hear. When I told him about Chuck putting himself inside of me without consent, I finished the story and Nigel just says “Well you should’ve told him to stop” and I got really offended. But if that wasn’t enough I started to tell him about Abe and I said “he was Arabic so he was really mean” and he goes “okay, we shouldn‘t.. hah we shouldn’t label people like that.” and I got quiet. I just shut my mouth. Why tell him anything if he’s going to judge me and make me feel like shit? I began to cry and told him nevermind I'm done talking. and he was like no no tell me. And I wasl ike nah I'm good I'm gonna go because I'm driving. and he hung up. then it set in about 15 minutes later, when I didn't get a text or anything. so I texted him, frustrated. “I love that I did everything I could to make you feel better but when I try to be transparent with you per your request you basically tell me its my fault, make me upset, and instead of doing damage control you just hang up. Thanks a lot (thumbs up) so much for a team huh”. He called me within minutes and apologized briefly and whatever. After discussing it things got really heated. He made me feel like it was my fault because I didn't tell him to stop. he made me feel stupid, below him, and just shitty about myself. and he was like ‘oh well some of my friends have actually gotten raped so I take it seriously’ and I just broke down. why is someone that's supposed to be on my side, basically writing off what happened to me just because I didn’t tell him to stop? it was a huge argument. It brought back all of the feelings I experienced when it happened and afterwards when I felt like it WAS my fault. How every experience I've been through, I felt like was my fault. And it hurt so bad to hear it from someone whose supposed to care about me. Like when the whole Abe thing happened at LA and I had to call the cops and emma told me she ‘told me so’ and literally told me it was my fault. I broke down and I just felt so betrayed. I thought I made nigel think negatively about me, I thought I ruined the positive image he set on me. I told him I know I didn’t always do the right thing but It took me a lot to forgive myself for these situations and it hurts so bad to hear someone that I look up to tell me that its my fault. I haven’t ugly cried like that in awhile. It hurt so bad. So bad. It still kind of hurts. He apologized a million times and explained to me that's not at all what his intentions were and that he never meant to make me feel like that.. but he did say it. He did know what he was saying and he does feel that way. I do think I warped my opinion in his mind... in a negative way. THe crazy definitely came out. Because I am sick and tired of being told that everything is my fault and nobody seeing the other person’s side. I am sick of it. I am sick of bad things happening and everyone just writing it off. Laurie was the only person who felt sympathy for me and told me it wasn’t my fault. She pointed out my wrongs but made it obvious that my thinking was okay too. I made up so many excuses for them and I think that may be the only reason Chuck even “dated” me in the first place. Just because he didn't want to be accused of rape. I just. I have done a lot of thinking, a lot of praying and a lot of healing on all of these situations. Every situation I have ever experienced. Everything has a scab on it and Nigel just ripped it open and I haven’t felt like that in awhile. It was so fresh. It brought back all of the hurt that I've been through. It brought back all of the shitty people in my life. All the disappointment. It brought back shame and embarrassment, for even giving these guys a time of day. For not having self respect. For not having.. yeah that's it. self respect. I'm embarrassed of myself. but nigel kinda put himself and his friends on a pedestal and made it seem like their experiences were real and mine wasn't. I wanted a relationship and I wanted someone to care about me and I took someone that literally used me for my body and let him abuse me. I wanted to be loved so bad and I did everything and anything I could. I should've freaked out and told that bastard to leave my house. I should never have let him touch me on the first date. I should have stood up for myself. I should have recorded Abe threatening me with his fucking rifle and sent it to the police. I should have done so many things. but I have moved on from it. I have made peace with everything I did and didn't do. I have forgiven myself because no matter what I did I HAD the good intentions. I tried to help people regardless of what they did to me. that shows more character than anything. I always tried to leave people better than how I found them. I always tried to be the shining light for other people, to give people hope and inspiration to be better and do more. I thought Nigel was a solid support system. I know now to have a better guard. I will not be telling him everything like I thought I could. I don’t think I can share my past with him. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing. I don't think he can handle what ive been through. I don't think anyone can.I don't think I should talk about any of this anymore. I didn't realize how sensitive I was to all of this. I didn't realize how easily someone elses opinion could make me feel. I don't need ANY. ONE. ELSES. OPINION. BUT. MY OWN. Only I know exactly what happened and I do not need to explain it to anyone else. Nigel should have taken what I said and left it alone. He knows better. He knows no is no. He knows my past Is my past and he knows he doesn’t need to hear it. It didn't help anything and I think he was just being nosy. and if he keeps running his mouth to people we’re going to have an issue. He’s going to intern with Michael this summer even though he “cut him off”. hes stil been talking to him even though he told me he “cut him off”. I don't want to be the jealous girlfriend and I don't want to feel at all threatened by anyone. I do feel threatened by Michael.. a little. I don't think hes an issue now but I think when he interns with him this summer theyre going to get close and he will try to make a move. I don't know. I don't like it. I’m threatened by it. I can’t bring it up because I already told him I didn’t mind if they were friends. I didn’t mind. I’m crying now. I am emotional. I don't want to feel like this. I feel so betrayed and hurt and now I feel like hes out to get me. I don't know if I can trust him bevause if I tell him anything hes just going to give me his opinion which is negative towards me. fuck.

11/29/17

I was fired from IHOP today. I knew it was coming. I applied at Giovanni’s and 24Grille today. Mike got me a job at Hockeytown with his dad. Nigel and I were discussing his motivators and it made me sad because he’s so strong willed and my mind is still weak. He has grown so much within the last couple of years, so he’s told me, and I feel like I have too.. but in a different way. I grew within my mental health. I haven’t been in the right place to find motivators or inspiration for my future. I haven’t had time to think about my future aside from my career, because I could barely think about the next day. But I’m ready. I am Ashley. I am growing, I am picturing, I am inspired. I see Nigel and I want to be more. He makes me want to be more. Even though it’s sad at first, it’s slowly starting to light a fire under my ass. I need that. I need someone to look up to. I need someone to relate to. Everyone says to remove the negative people and I pretty much have, besides my family. But maybe i’ll move out. Who knows. Maybe I will find a nice apartment and maybe I will get my credit back up.

ok ready.

I will make money at this job. I will meet inspiring people. I will have opportunities. I will build my credit. I will look good. I will fuel my body properly. I will love. I will have a big heart. I will build a foundation for my future self. I will work hard in school. I will do things right. I will put in time.

I am ready for something new. I am ready for something that I can tackle. I am out of negativity, so now is my time to shine. I will take advantage. I will pray. I will believe that I will and can be more. I will be better. I will succeed. I will accomplish. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will.

What life do you want for yourself? Morganite ring. A child, or two. A loving husband. I want to be strong willed. I want to be sweet, compassionate. I want to be a lover. I want to be motivated. I want to be a role model for my children. I want to live somewhere warm with a beautiful city and beautiful land for hiking and running. I want to help people. I want to teach people how to fuel their bodies. I want to teach myself how to fuel my body, how to train.

I have the means to work hard. I need to crack down on myself. Who am I going to become if I keep procrastinating? Who am I going to become if I don‘t push myself in the gym? Who am I going to become if I take it easy on myself? Life doesn’t stop. Nobody takes it easy on you. I will not take it easy on myself. I will whip myself into shape. I need to do this, for me. I need to create my future. I need to create the person I want to become bevause she won’t become that person by herself. I was created this way because of other people’s choices. Because of circumstances that were out of my control. But from this point on, I can control everything. I have the power to do this. I have everything I need. I need to grab it. I need to take it. I need to believe that I can do it. YOU CAN DO IT. WE CAN DO IT. YOU ARE STRONG. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. YOU ARE COMPASSIOANTE. YOU HAVE A BIG HEART. USE IT. EDUCATE. LEARN. LOVE. BUILD.

LETS GO.

Journal 7/27/17

Journal,

where do I begin? Emma and I, no longer friends. Mom and I? Doing well. Joanna? Hasn’t been at work. Money? Tight.. as fuck. School? Lax.. but is picking up with one week left of school. Nigel? Amazing. Lemme tell you.

Okay so I stayed at his families’ house this weekend for Thanksgiving break (Saturday-Sunday) and I had so much fun. I brought his mom flowers and three fruit platters because I literally could not decide on which ones. When I got there I was irritated, I think because I was subconsciously nervous. His mom loved the flowers and his dad, Chris, came up to me and said I need to chill because I'm making him look bad bringing food and flowers to his wife because he doesn’t even do that lol. Nigel gushed over it, and even told me later on that he texted David and told him what I did and they agreed that I was wifey material. :’) His mom gave me a glass of white wine and we all hungout and talked until dinner was ready. His uncle Brad, my personal favorite, kept us company while we waited for dinner. I sat next to Nonna during dinner which, I think she may have been drunk/tipsy for bevause she kept talking about how proud she was of her daughters but kept bringing up personal things and they were all trying to get her to stop because they didn’t want to scare me off (lol). It was cute, her bragging, because it reminded me of Meemaw and how she was always so proud of me and called me her hard worker. Kinda hit me in the feels. I had just started taking my antibiotics for the sinus infection I acquired, so I was mucous-y and had a nasty cough. But I still managed to have fun.

The next day, however, I woke up to Nigel coming downstairs to the guest bedroom where I sleep and waking me up with kisses. He obviously had morning wood and was trying to get me going which was kind of annoying because I couldn't even keep my eyes open. Then after a while of me trying to wake up we started fooling around. He came on really really strong. His family was home so we couldn’t. Later, his family left and I went in to take a shower. He came in the bathroom afterwards and started to try to play with me. He was complimenting me, touching me, trying to get things going. I wasn't really into it. He said “well you wanted it this morning“. So I offered to take care of him via mouth to get him to calm down but he wouldn’t let me. I started to feel uncomfortable, he was really forcing himself onto me and wouldn’t take no for an answer. It brought back old times of being taken advantage of. He kept saying “ well you wanted it this morning” so I ALMOST felt like I owed him something.. like he expected me to make up for it? I felt uncomfortable, closed off, and kind of hurt... you know? Taken advantage of. I told him no no no and then finally I looked in his eyes and said, “Nigel I said I don’t want to.” And he backed off and was like “okay.. I'm sorry that just clicked in for me I don't want to make you uncomfortable. we don't have to do anything.” and backed off. The day went on. Later, after lifting, studying at starbucks (which he bought Cheyenne a giftcard for watching the dogs.. super sweet), we decided to go see the Christmas lights in downtown Birmingham. It was pretty, white lights wrapped around all of the trees in this little park. We started to walk but it got cold so we went back to the truck. That’s when I brought up the morning... because communication is something I really want to work on and he feels that it’s important too, it’s something we agree on and want to base our relationship off of. So I brought it up gently, told him I didn’t want to make him feel bad but this is how I feel. And he felt bad, apologized, yada yada. we ended up having a good heart to heart and I felt really connected to him. He’s really down to earth and was really emotional (like, almost crying) and I don’t know if it was for show but it was really sweet of him to talk to me about it and explain himself. He said he has this stigma in his head that girls don't like to give head, so he just doesn’t make me do it. I had to explain that I LOVE pleasing him and will do it any time he wants and or lets me. We talked about life and where we want to go and he brought up asking me to be his girlfriend but he doesn’t know when the right time is, but to not think that hes forgotten about it. We ended up just doing the damn thing right there because we were both ready, happy, and committed. There is a lot of trust between us and affection and he really does treat me like a queen. I have never had a guy open a door for me more than twice in a day until now. I have never had a guy take care of my friends too. I have never had a guy make sure I was comfortable, fed, caffeinated, and satisfied at all times. I haven't met a guy like Nigel with the drive, focus, passion, and optimism that he has. He treats me like pure gold and I will hold onto that for as long as I can. I will treat him with respect and I will do my best to not get hangry attitudes with him. I care about him although I still feel numb, like this isn’t real, but I do not want to lose Nigel. I still can’t (neither can he, we talk about it often) believe how we even met and how we got to this point. It was just a month ago that it was Halloween and I didn’t know if he was straight or not. He really opened up to me from the start and I have never been so grateful. He is so open with me, hes honest, straight forward, and tells me what I need to know. If I have doubts (which I had some about Michael) about his loyalty he does everything he can to make sure he explains and makes me feel better. He held me and tried to talk me through my anxiety when I felt like I was going to be a failure and end up with some mental disease. He holds me and kisses me so tender and soft, but also chokes me and slaps me harder than anyones ever done before. I am so grateful, God. Universe. Ashley. All of us. I am so. grateful. This is a man who looked me in my eyes and tells me how grateful he is for me, that I drive to see him, that we met, that i’m his, that he wants a relationship built on trust and honesty and communication. We want to grow together and build and accomplish and succeed in every way. He makes me so motivated and makes me optimistic for my future. I feel like I have a sense of self worth with him. I feel like I can do whatever I set my mind to with him. I feel at peace, he is my safe place. He is where I can relax. He is everything, Ashley. He just is. I am so grateful. I actually am scared when I drive now because I don’t want to get into an accident and be taken away from him and from the possibilities of life. That is HUGE for me. I didn’t give a fuck EVER If I was close to being hit. I didn't give a fuck if someone was gonna run into me and I even wanted them to sometimes just so I could end up in the hospital and see who cares about me. Cheyenne is going to move to another state for volleyball and she tells me how we better hangout and she wants me to come with her to see campuses. She tells me she wants me to come see her. She is making a real effort. Nigel and I see each other once a week, for about a day and a half. This is real effort. This is people wanting to see me. I am blessed to be on my feet and have the drive to do better. I am blessed to have Nigel in my life to push me to be the person I want to be, and relight that fire under my ass when I don’t have the energy to. I am grateful to be accepted to Wayne State. I am grateful to be healing from my infection so that I can lift and do plyos and be healthy. I am grateful. I hope God continues to bless me and keep me safe. I need this and I am so blessed to finally have someone in my circle. I guess I never sat down and realized how much he means to me and how awesome he is. I’ve been on the go lately but I cannot express my gratitude for him. I hope things only get better with us. I hope I continue to please and impress. I don’t want to lose him, you know?

I met a guy at the gym tonight and his name is Angel. He approached me while boxing and asked if I saw his gloves. We talked about gyms, Chicago, boxing, training, exes, etc. Got my number so I can “ask him” for gloves when I come up here or whatever. It’ll be a good connect if I ever need it. Am not interested. Fuck Nigel is so sweet. I'm so lucky. He’s my baby. MY baby. I miss him already haha.

Alright journal, good night.

Ashley xoxo