12/21/17
I’m frustrated. Let me break it down for you.
-I’ve been unemployed for two weeks. I’m broke. I’m in debt. I have debt callers contacting me several times a day. My mom said she wouldn’t help me. She said they’re going to take my car. I applied at 15+ places and every single one said they’re done hiring for the holidays. I’m frustrated.
-I stayed at Nigel’s house last weekend, first week of break for him. I was on my period. He had an issue, as usual, with me saying no. I told him no and he was like “we can put a towel down”, and “I promise it doesn’t bother me” (that I was on my period), etc and I kept saying no. So I laid on top of him awkwardly and he kept playing with me, probably trying to persuade me. I laid there unresponsive. We eventually got up to eat and I sat there quiet and he apologized and said he “realized now” that he was “probably annoying”. I think I said it was fine or something, because in my mind I already decided that i’m not going to hangout with him when I’m bleeding for the sole purpose of him lacking self control and respect for me. Then to make it worse we went to eat at a nice restaurant with his family and family friends and I had nothing to wear but lulus and a white shirt with my hunter boots. My hair looked like shit and I just felt so ugly. I felt insecure that I didn’t own nice clothes like them. They dress so nice all the time. They have so much money and all Nigel wears is lululemon. I felt like a piece of trash. He sensed something was wrong and tried to talk to me about it but I didn’t want to talk about it because, well, ego. But I ended up crying on the bathroom floor for awhile about it. My roots are dark, my makeup is trash, my clothes are ugly and worn out, I just didn’t know how a person could love me. I just let it go and had a nice dinner.
-Emma will not give me my shit back. She called me psycho, said I must be drunk, and threatened to call the cops on me. She won’t give me my clothes and I have asked her several times to bring them to my house, to my car, to her own porch, if I can come inside to grab them, everything. She just wont do it. I contacted her mom via messenger on facebook in hopes that she will back me up. But who knows, she did give birth to that thing so she might be just as petty. I could sue her in small claims court but that’s a lot of work over two clothing items. I should let it go.. it’s just two things. But it’s mine. And I don't want to let her have the satisfaction of having it.
-After this thing with Emma I told Nigel about it and he kinda blew it off and proceeded to send me a picture of him in a hot tub. Earlier while I was at the gym he told me instead of coming home early Thursday, he won’t be home til after 4 and it would be best to hangout Friday. Whatever. Anyways he just got on my effing nerves because he always talks about himself but when I try to tell a story he doesn’t listen. Noone does. I know my life is sad and depressing and shit but why sign up for that and tell me youre here for me and that you want to listen if you actually fucking don't? I Just need someone to talk to, to blow off steam. I get he’s on vacation but a little fucking sentence or two would suffice. And he said earlier that when he comes home Friday he will need “cuddles” which is code for sex... he never just comes out and says it. It’s so frustrating. Just be open and tell me you want to fuck me.. it’s hot. But not tell me you want to cuddle because that’s intimate and I know you don’t want to be fucking soft and cuddly. I’m so irritated. I don't even want to give myself to him because I remembered the incident from last weekend and I don’t think he deserves me. Maybe I should just fucking stay home. I hope I get a job so I cant see him all week. I’m so fucking frustrated.
-Why cant he take no for an answer. Why can’t anything go my way right now? I’m so frustrated about my situation and I feel like I keep trying and nothing is working. I have applied at so many places and tried but no one is giving me a chance. I want to build something for myself and I can’t do that if no one will give me a fucking chance. I want to pay my bills, I want to pay off my debts, I want to save, I want to get ahead. I want to look nice. I want to do things for my mom’s birthday and for Christmas. I want to be successful. I don’t want my credit to be tarnished. I want to have an apartment in downtown Detroit some day during my program. I want to do so many things but I can’t do any of it because i’m trapped in this loop called unemployment. How am I supposed to get out of it? Work at fucking McDonalds? I want to go up. I want to get better every day. But it’s really hard when every day starts as me waking up, making breakfast, watching TV, drinking coffee, not doing anything all day until 9pm when I finally go lift. It’s a bad cycle. I sleep in super late because I don’t have anything to do. It’s so frustrating. I feel trapped and I feel like I have no one to go to. I‘ve talked to Cheyenne about it this week when we lifted on Sunday but obviously this is still a big deal for me. I just need some reassurance. I’m a lot to handle I feel like. idk. i’m just not used to being unemployed, to not having money. I don’t know how to handle this shit and I don’t know how to keep my cool when its the fucking holiday season and I only have a quarter tank of gas to last me until I find a job. I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I’ve prayed and prayed and cried and cried some more. I’ve been motivated and positive and ive been hopeful and grateful. I am trapped in this loop of unemployment and idk how much longer I can take. I feel frustrated with Nigel and Emma and my life and i’m scared that ill get depressed. I don’t want to get sucked into it. My anxiety has been an all time high since I‘ve been laid off and it’s obviously unhealthy. It takes a lot out of me to be in a situation like this for so long. I don’t have Eddie, I don’t have anyone to back me up for once. It’s hard. I’m so scared. I’m really trying, trying harder than I ever have before to get a new job and i’m just getting nothing. A job fell into my hands last time and now i’m actually working for it. Idk what to do. Help me.
















