Colonel Bastard

[tozierfloats]

I just CHOPPED my hair at 3 AM in the midst of a bReAkDOwN. So yeah, I'm right on schedule.

[rockbellautomail]

I'm uncomfortable with how relatable this is because I have BEEN THERE

[rockbellautomail]

Ed: What have you got?

Al: Crippling anxiety.

Ed: I meant in your hand.

Al: Oh, it's a latte from Starbucks.

[justgettingthedoorforyou]

My weather app be sending me air quality alerts like I'm gonna do something about it

[rockbellautomail]

Ed: Can we get some food? Ling gets cranky.

Ling: Cranky?!

Ed: I was being nice. You're a whiny bitch.

[rockbellautomail]

Al: Treat spiders how you would want to be treated.

Ed: Killed without hesitation.

[rockbellautomail]

Ling: Wow, you have really fast reflexes!

Ed: Thanks! It's from the PTSD.

[rockbellautomail]

Winry: What are you doing?

Ed, standing on a chair: I live here too, you know. I can do whatever I want.

Winry: ...Where's the spider?

Ed: Under the table.

[tomochingus-moved-courtmartialm]

Royai Week 2019 - Day 3: Flashover

[rockbellautomail]

Riza: We found the man who stole your identity and is impersonating you.

Roy: Where was he?

Riza: Eating cheetos and crying in his car.

Roy, impressed: He really went for it.

[rockbellautomail]

Ed: We both know who's in charge.

Ling: ...Me, right?

Ed: Yes, you! Of course! Of course.

Ling:

Ed (whispering): ...Of course.

[dr-graf]

[dragonfire00002]

@icameheretowinry

[rockbellautomail]

Al: Have you proposed to Winry yet?

Ed: Not technically, but in my head we have three kids and a farm.

[nhkamira]

The weird full metal animations are life

Full Metal Alchemist

*not my gifs

[rockbellautomail]

Roy: Have you ever done this before?

Ed: Nope.

Roy: ...Should I be worried?

Ed: Probably.

[fmanime]

i think edward elric entire military experience can be summarized as john mulaney’s “horse loose in the hospital” bit

[fmanime]

there is a CHILD ALCHEMIST LOOSE IN THE STATE MILITARY!

NOBODY KNOWS WHAT THE CHILD IS GOING TO DO, LEAST OF ALL THE CHILD!

HE’S NEVER BEEN IN THE MILITARY BEFORE!

[ink7blot]

They interviewed a man who once saw a baby in a restaurant.

WE’VE ALL SEEN A BABY IN A RESTAURANT!!!

THIS IS A CHILD. LOOSE IN THE MILITARY.

[comrade-hozier]

@dalethesjtoddler

[cappucino-commie]

And then, for a second, it seemed like maybe we could survive the child, and then, 5 miles under the capital city, an evil homunculus was like, “I have a huge transmutation circle and I’m going to kill everyone to become god!” And before we could say anything, the child was like, “If you even fucking look at Amestris, I will punch you to death with my fists. I dare you to do it. I want you to do it. I want you to do it so I can take my unresolved daddy issues out on you, I’m so fucking crazy.”

[captainlordauditor]

This post was written by Roy Mustang

[ebonyheartnet]

Sometimes it’s not a bad thing, just surprising. Like, “Today the child did alchemy without a transmutation circle,” and everyone is like, “Huh, I didn’t know he could do that.”

[somethingmissingthiswaycomes]

The creepiest days are when you don’t hear from the child at all. Those are the days when everyone is like “I think the child has finally calmed down,” and then the child is like “I just uncovered a government conspiracy. I went in that secret lab and snuck in there with my tiny body. I have a tiny body, but don’t you tell me that, or I’ll fuck you up,” and you’re like “That’s what I thought you’d say, you tiny fucking child.”

And then for a second we’re like “Maybe the government will fire the child,” and the child is like “I have dismantled the government.”

[rockbellautomail]

Riza: Don't worry, Colonel, I have a few knives up my sleeve.

Roy: I think you mean 'tricks.'

Riza, pulling knives out of her sleeve: No, I mean knives.

[rockbellautomail]

Al: It's unhealthy to eat past 9 PM.

Ed, eating chocolate pudding at 3 AM: Good thing time is an illusion.