(this is rebloggable, and I’d appreciate it if you would)
I really wanted to write this today. I wanted to be extremely frank about how the dynamic of transmisogyny undergirds so much of gay and trans spaces.I want to explore how trans women are gated from community and forming social relationships, and ultimately gated from having a full sense of personhood.
Transmisogyny is a system of abuse that aims to fully decentralize a trans woman’s sense of self and personhood. A trans woman exists in a space where they’re simultaneously fetishized and repulsive. We’re oddly glorified in gay and trans spaces, yet are also the first to blame whenever something goes wrong. The point of creating a person to be as paradoxical as trans women is to make them impossible, and therefore intangible. It is to make them like Frankenstein’s monster. It’s to make them unbelievable and vilified for being so incomprehensible. Yet, much like Frankenstein’s monster, we want to be understood and to be loved. We describe our experiences, but are denied and called liars. We are viewed with medical and social intrigue, only to be shortly discounted as unimportant and, again, impossible.
To be a trans woman is to experience an alienation so extreme that it is an entire world apart from what is often projected out there as the “trans experience” by people who aren’t trans women.
Some out there recognize this superficially, where they’ll say “yeah it’s trans women who get a lot of shit in the community and the world!” And really, we gotta dig deeper than that. When the impossibility of a trans woman is internalized by others, we are seen not as a full person, but as an object. That’s when trans women are raped, abused, get the shit kicked out of’em, and die.
This extremely vulnerable state trans women exist in becomes the catalyst where we seek community, where we’re desperate for people to be with, to be loved and cared for, or even just seen. Demagogues in community recognize this, and will quickly bring her to their side, introduce them to people, and get her involved. It’s likely overwhelming for her. She’s probably touch starved. She’s afraid to touch people because she’s internalized that she’s inherently predatory. She probably hasn’t been shown much kindness in her life. Her social skills might be fettered by the years of cruelty and uncertainty.
Yet suddenly she sees herself as possible. She begins to gain her sense of self. She’s more confident, more willing to put herself out there, she has fun. She goes out, she dances, she’s having the time of her life. But… then she stands up for herself. To the wrong person.
That’s not… what she was brought into this community for. That’s not convenient. That’s not compliant. Suddenly she’s so possible that it’s infuriating. The demagogue realizes they can’t keep her around now. She won’t let herself be a token. They can no longer use her in the sense of “I’m not a transmisogynist, I hang out with this tranny!” How, then, does the demagogue maintain their social position? Hearsay and rumors and gossip.
“She’s just kind of problematic,” and then never specifying what she did. Never talking to her about it. It’s not about her learning, it’s about grooming people’s social peripheries.
“I know I shouldn’t say it, but she is male socialized.”
“She’s not all that femme, so what does she know?”
“She hasn’t unpacked her toxic masculinity.”
This is to package her as damaging to community. She’s more easily disposable now. It’s to isolate her. Cut her off from community and the relationships she formed. People invite her out less. She’s not asked to help organize. She’s forced to be a homebody. It’s a slow and painful severing from community.
She’s all alone again. She’s so lonely, she gets depressed. It becomes harder for her to manage her symptoms. She’s messing up a little at work, which she shortly finds out is enough to get her fired. She can’t crowdfund for rent because no one will share the post, because her support system is gone. She starts to wonder if it’s worth going on. It’s winter, and she’s terrified of being homeless (again).
Or, we play the part they want. We agree to be their token. We’re quiet and agreeable. We say ‘yes’ often. We shrink ourselves. We starve ourselves. We diminish our sense of self for the “sake of the community.” We learn as we go along that we don’t matter to them. We know it but continue on. We hear our friends espouse politics and theory that are predicated on our annihilation. Or more simply, we hear them espouse generally harmful transmisogyny. We rationalize that we’re only sacrificing a little bit of our dignity so we can maintain that support system. And slowly we lose our sense of self. We exist for others. We become the compliant object they want us to be. At least we’ve got a support system, right?
The process is the same regardless. We either disappear from the world entirely through death, or we sacrifice our dignity and sense of self and aren’t really even people anymore. In both cases, we are no longer a fully-formed person with agency. We exist at the whim of others.
I often wonder, whenever I enter into a community, which poor trans woman am I replacing? Who was here before me? Why am I being let in so quickly? What was the girl before like? Did they kick her out (yet)? Does she have friends? Do the people here care about her? How soon will it be until I’m no longer convenient? When will people stop talking to me?
And so I sit in that caution and vigilance, because I’ve been here before. I am one of the people who’s let herself sacrifice a bit of her dignity to maintain social relationships. I will admit that full-stop. I’ve started doing it ever since the trans lesbians who lived in my state all moved. The reason they moved? “Minnesota has an enormous transmisogyny problem. The ‘radical’ queer community hates trans women so much.”
I know this. I continue on. I quietly prioritize other trans women whenever I see them. I praise them when they do well. I congratulate them on accomplishments. I show up for them. I see them. I help them. I love them. They will always be my priority.
I have no answers for you, except the hope that you show up in ways that matter for trans women. Nobody should ever have to go through this.
