to the boy i loved before
part one
pairings: peter parker x lara jean!reader summary: peter parker has been your best friend since sixth grade, but one day he recieves a love letter that you had written in order to get over your feelings. how will your friendship survive this disasterous event? warnings: both of them being dumb asf word count: 2.9k
moodboard | spotify playlist
Dear Peter Parker,
You were the first boy that I had ever truly loved; I don’t think that I could ever love someone as much as I did you. This one sided romance started all the way back during 6th grade science camp. Our group leader was taking us on a hike while she pointed out the variety of wildlife within the camp grounds. I had been so distracted watching a small lizard that I failed to notice the large rock that was in my path. Like the klutz I was am, I made the smart decision of landing my entire body weight onto my two knees. Not only had a made a fool out of myself in front of our entire class, I had two bloody knees to accompany my embarrassment. While our classmates laughed (Gen…), you walked over to me and asked if I was okay. When I had managed to stand back up, you were the first person to volunteer to take me to the nurse. We hadn’t even known each other that well and yet you were helping me. On the way to the nurse, you held my hand while I cried over the pain, humiliation, and the loneliness of not having Chris with me. You didn’t even laugh when I admitted that she was my only friend and how I’d been alone during camp. You smiled at me and said that you’d be my friend like it was nothing; it had been everything to me. From that moment on, I was head over heels for you.
It was hard being your friend for so long and never being able to tell you how I’d felt. That’s why I decided to write these letters in the first place. I know, a love letter nine years later when we're going to be juniors in college? It's dramatic, but I don't think I ever fully got over you. Especially now that we go to ESU together. I’m not selfish enough to confess my feelings and ruin our friendship so this letter will have to do. You Peter Parker, were my first and forever love. No matter how hard I try to get over you, it never works. Watching you fall for MJ was hard, but seeing you heart broken after the break up was even harder. It was like a part of your soul had left when she did. Sometimes I find myself wishing that I had gotten to you before she did. Maybe then I wouldn’t be writing this letter and maybe we’d be dating. Or maybe if I did confess, you’d probably most definitely say you saw me like a sister. Maybe I was doomed from the second you had first spoken to me.
Love,
Y/n
The letters you had written to your various loves were your way of finally allowing yourself to let go of the feelings you’d secretly harbored for years. Once each envelope was sealed and placed into the hat box, it was like a brand new start to your life. A life without love that had no direction to go. You still felt the lingering remanent of love whenever you looked at Peter, but his letter was tucked away, in the back of your closet. There was no use in dwelling over a situation in which you had done absolutely nothing to change over the past nine years.
Your sister, Kitty, thought that the whole situation was pathetic. In her words, what was the point of being in love with someone if they didn’t know? Despite her being far younger, her words of wisdom stuck to you in the same way that a peanut butter sandwich stuck to the roof of your mouth. What was the point of being in love with Peter if he was never going to know? Afterall, it wasn’t like he’d see you as anything more than a best friend; he said so himself.
“I’m going to throw them out.” You said to Kitty as the two of you lined muffin pans with cupcake liners.
Kitty stared at you in confusion. “Throw what out, the cupcakes? We literally just made them.”
You shook your head with a laugh. “No, not the cupcakes silly. The letters.”
“Why would you do that? You wrote them only a few months ago. Don’t you want to look back on them when you’re old and single? It’ll help you reminisce over your non-existent love life.”
Despite your sister joking, you couldn’t help but think that her words may come true in the future. Afterall, you were a junior in college and had been holding on to a crush that started nine years ago. You’d been romance and boyfriend-less your entire adolescence and your adulthood wasn’t looking much better.
"Okay Kitty, we get it. You’re younger and have a blossoming romance with your table partner.” You glared at the girl before scooping batter into the newly placed cupcake liners. “But, I don’t want to dwell on romances that never amounted to anything. It’s easier to just throw away the letters and pretend as if these crushes didn’t send me into psychosis for months on end.”
Your sister shrugged, swiping her finger into the bowl of batter. Like clockwork, you reprimanded her and reminded her about the dangers of eating raw batter. “I think you should keep them. You didn’t pour your heart and soul out just so that these letters could head straight to the landfill. Also, that would be incredibly wasteful and you could’ve just written them on your phone.”
“It’s a cathartic experience to see your emotions transferred onto a piece of paper. Something you will understand when you’re older.” You said, opening the oven and sliding the pans inside. Once the door was closed, you set a timer and began to clean up the small pile of dishes that had accumulated in the sink.
Kitty sighed. “Just don’t do-,” Before she could finish her sentence, she was interrupted by the sound of the front door opening and a very familiar voice calling out your name. Of course now was the time that Peter had decided to drop by.
You spun around, facing your best friend. “Peter! What are you doing here? I thought you were helping out with that robotics camp?”
He grinned and stifled a laugh as he took in your outfit. You had been wearing your favorite apron that said ‘kiss the baker (only if you’re spider-man)’ and now you donned an elbow length pair of dishwashing gloves. “Half of the kids got food poisoning from the pizza last week. Our meetup today was canceled.”
“Oh my gosh, are they okay?”
“They’ll be okay, I hope.”
You rolled your eyes in amusement and continued to tackle the dishes in the sink. Peter took this time to ask Kitty questions about her newfound romance since the girl hadn’t shut up about it all of last week. By the time the dishes were washed and the kitchen was cleaned, the cupcakes were finally done. You took them out of the oven and let them cool for a few minutes while you took the icing out of the fridge.
“What’s the special occasion?” Peter asked, leaning against the kitchen island. “Let me guess, a last minute bake sale that Kitty forgot to tell you about?”
You grinned and nodded. “At least this time she remembered to tell me 24 hours in advance.”
Later that night, you stared at the letters you had written. They were such intimate confessions, but you knew there was no point in holding on to them. The longer they stayed in your room, the longer you would continue to hold onto those feelings. With one last look, you tossed them all in the trash.
The next few days went on like normal. They consisted of going to the movies with Chris, grabbing lunch with Peter, and reluctantly braiding Kitty’s hair. Although summer was winding down to an end, you still enjoyed the routine of your days. Spending time with friends and family was all you could really ask for. It wasn’t until board game night that things took a turn.
Peter had been acting strangely all night. He hardly looked in your direction and when he did, his eyes focused on anything but you. Despite being such a chatty person, he had been quiet all night. Even when you had brought up Spider-Man; that usually sent him on a tangent that no one could stop. When the game was over and your father and Kitty called it a night, you and Peter had headed up to your room as usual. Typically, the two of you would talk about anything and everything, but Peter was as silent as a mouse. You tried to bring up things that he loved, but nothing seemed to work.
“Peter.” You said, waving your hand in front of his face. “Are you even listening?”
He nodded and mumbled, “Of course I am.”
You scooted closer, nudging his knee with yours. “You know you can always tell me what’s wrong.”
Peter shook his head and bounced his leg. Over the years of friendship, you’d learned that it was a nervous tic he had. “Not this. I wouldn’t even know where to begin.”
“We have all night.” You assured. “Can you at least try?”
Silence filled the room as Peter opted to stare at the floor instead. For a moment, you’d thought he had been offended. You were about to apologize for being so pushy when he began to speak.
“You’ve been in love with be since sixth grade?” For the first time all night, he had finally looked you straight in the eyes.
Your brows furrowed in confusion and you let out an awkward laugh. “Peter, what are you talking about? Are you feeling okay?”
“You wrote it in the letter.”
“What le-,” You paused mid sentence and it felt like your pulse had doubled within the last minute. Jumping off your bed, you rushed over to your trash can and began to pull everything out.
You frantically searched for the five envelopes which had just been discarded the other day. How was it that five love letters magically grew legs and walked to the post office? Luckily, four of them still remained in your room. However, Peter’s letter was nowhere to be found.
It took you a few minutes to accept everything you were in denial about. Your love letter to Peter had somehow been sent in the mail and now your best friend knew about the very intense feelings that you’d been hiding for nine years. If your life had been a movie, it certainly would’ve been in the horror genre. This was a nightmare that you desperately wanted to wake up from.
And to make everything worse, Peter started talking. “W-Why didn’t you ever say anything?”
Your cheeks burned and you were very glad that your back was towards him. Maybe that would make this conversation an ounce more bearable. “I… You’re one of my best friends. I’m not going to possibly ruin a friendship over some silly crush.” You scooped up all the trash that now covered the floor and put it back in the can.
Peter didn’t respond for a minute which made you even more anxious.
“It’s not silly.”
You stood up and awkwardly sat back down on your bed. This time, you left a deliberate amount of space between the two of you. Peter was probably repulsed by the entire situation. “It is silly. Besides, you weren’t even supposed to see that letter. I don’t know how it ended up in your mailbox.”
Peter’s head shot up at that. “It wasn’t?”
When you shook your head, a look of mortification crossed his features. “Now I feel awful for even bringing it up! It wasn’t like you even wanted me to see the thing. Did I mess everything up? Do you hate me?” He groaned and buried his face into his hands.
Despite everything, you laughed. “No Peter, it’s not your fault. I don’t even know whose fault this could be.”
He ran a hand through his hair. “Who knew about the letter? Maybe they could’ve snuck into your room and sent it out?”
“That wouldn’t make much sense though. Why send just one of the five letters? Why not send them all if they wanted to mess with me?”
“Five?!” Peter exclaimed. He looked at you in disbelief. His cheeks were even more flushed than they had been earlier. “I- I wasn’t the only person who got one?”
Now it was your turn to blush. “The rest were just crushes that I hardly knew. Guys who I created a fantasy of in my head.”
“Who?”
“What do you mean, who?”
Peter rolled his eyes with a snort. “Who else got a letter?”
“Oh.” You averted your gaze and looked at the trash can in which the letters sat. “Just some guys.”
He nudged your shoulder with his. “I don’t think this situation could get any worse.”
You sighed and looked back at him. “It could always get worse.”
“How?”
“Like if you actually acknowledged what I said and then rejected me or something. Or said that you were still in love with MJ. This could always get worse.” You rambled.
Peter looked at you with an expression that you couldn’t read. You had just made the entire situation worse because he probably wasn’t even going to actually bring the contents of the letter up again. Now, he was obligated to. Throughout your years of friendship, there had never been a quiet moment between the two of you; now neither of you wanted to speak.
“I, uh…” Peter trailed off, at a loss of words. He scratched the back of his neck and stared at the letter in his lap.
Your heart raced faster the longer the silence dragged on. You swallowed and took a deep breath. “Listen, why don’t we just pretend this never happened? I mean there’s not much to even talk about.” You grabbed the letter off his lap and stuffed it into your nightstand. “There, you never got the letter!”
He nodded slowly, as if he was unconvinced. “Right. You’re- you’re my best friend. Nothing could change that.”
You nodded back, a little too quickly to be natural. “Nothing at all. Best friends for life!”
Soon after that, you were ushering Peter out of the house. It was painfully awkward to be around him. Your skin felt like it was burning up and you felt like vomiting. This entire situation was making you physically ill. Once he was gone, you threw yourself onto your bed and screamed into your pillow.
“Is that a cathartic release of emotions?” Kitty asked, leaning against your door frame.
You bolted upright, staring at the young girl. She looked oddly smug as you narrowed your eyes at her. “Kitty.”
“Yes?” She asked, innocently batting her lashes at you.
In that moment, you knew she had to be the culprit. No one else knew about the letters, let alone knew that they would be in the trash. You lept off your bed and rushed towards the girl. With wide eyes, she sprinted towards her room.
“I am going to kill you!” You screamed as you chased after her.
“I didn’t do anything!” Kitty responded, slamming her bedroom door shut. You tugged at the door handle, only to find it locked.
Then, you began to pound on the wood. “Why would you do that?! What is wrong with you?” Your voice was loud enough to carry through the door separating the two of you.
"I said I didn’t do anything!”
You slammed your hand against the door even harder. “Open up!”
“No!”
It took a solid half hour for you to calm down and resist the urge to throttle your own sister. Despite her being a nuisance and possibly ruining your friendship with your best friend, you could understand why she had sent the letter. Kitty claimed that she was just trying to be helpful and play matchmaker. After all, she was only 13 and had grand ideas about love. At her age, you had been just as naive—if not more.
“I’m sorry.” She mumbled, looking glumly at her feet. “I thought that if he knew, he might confess that he’s in love with you too and then bam! You have a boyfriend.”
“And why would he do such a thing? We’re just friends.”
Kitty gave you a look. “Sure, just friends.” She said sarcastically. “He’s just a friend who looks at you like you hung the moon. But sure, just friends.”
You smacked her arm. “Stop it! Now you’re just lying.”
“I’m not! I am being completely serious. You don’t see the way he looks at you when you're not looking.”
“Kitty, Peter was in love with MJ for years. I know what he looks like when he's in love. And he’s not in love with me.”
“And I’m not the best sister in this house.” Kitty laughed and skipped off to the kitchen.
You watched her until she disappeared around the corner. In your mind, the last hour replayed on a loop. Peter had looked disturbed by the letter, hadn’t he? You shook off any thoughts of hope you had and went back to your room. There had to be some way to fix this situation, even if it took a little bit of magic.
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