ellievsbear
almost home
Jules of Nature
dirt enthusiast
$LAYYYTER
Three Goblin Art
"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"
Discoholic 🪩
Misplaced Lens Cap
Mike Driver
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trying on a metaphor
ojovivo
KIROKAZE
Sade Olutola
if i look back, i am lost
oozey mess
Janaina Medeiros
Game of Thrones Daily
Monterey Bay Aquarium
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@rodsplace
POSITIVITY
I’m making a joke about how I like boxed wine. White Zin, Pinot Grig, whatever. If it’s from a box and you can tap it, I’m there. What I don’t like is people who look at the wine glass as half-empty. So if you want to complain to me about how I sold your condo below market value, just remember that I can't hear you over the roar of the Sauv Blanc waterfall into my goblet.
VEGANS
I literally owned this kid named Kale in 3rd grade. Or Kris. Something like that. Whether it was SkeeBall, D&D, fashion or financial acumen, he was my door mat. 20 years later, sold him a 1BR studio apartment with a partial view in downtown Wichita, for 20% over market. That’s what you call a balanced diet - of domination. Anyway, vegans will be the first to go in the apocalypse. And then we’ll eat their healthy “grass fed” bodies.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY
As a curator of knowledge and wisdom, I want to recognize one of the culinary pioneers of our time. Everyone raise your jalapeno poppers and glazed wings as I give a toast to this frosty-tipped miracle of a man. Happy birthday Guy Fieri.
An 85-year-old woman in Waco, Texas has been arrested for allegedly kidnapping neighbor’s cats and making them into fur coats.
Local residents couldn’t figure out where their cats were disappearing, so one or more residents decided to hire a private investigator. Some even thought they saw their own cats as a part of her fur coats. Eventually, the investigator successfully videotaped the woman stealing a neighbor’s cat.
According to World News Daily Report, the woman admitted in court that she tried to raise her own cats, but became too attached to them.
Prior to being caught on tape, the woman denied all allegations.
Prosecutors allege that the retired fashion designer skinned the cats in her basement. The following is a photo of the woman wearing one of her fur coats:
Investigators estimate that a total of 30 coats were required to make a single jacket. Additionally, they report that 20 skinned cats were found at the crime scene.
If found guilty, the unnamed woman could spend up to 18 months in prison.
Let’s read this one more time. She kidnapped her neighbors’ cats, skinned them to make fur coats, left the skinned ones in her basement, and could receive up to 18 months ONLY…
Normally I preach DIY and fending for one’s self, but in this case, always use a professionally produced fur coat. The real crime was using cats. Too many allergens and cat coats tend to shed.
NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS
If our greatest minds limited themselves with goals, do you think we would have Guy Fieri, Chocolate Infused Vodka, Cop Rock, Sandals Resorts or the city of Barstow? All of these fine things were made by dreamers who were not shackled by boundaries...or common sense.
SOCHI
Is it the soft rag the car wash guy uses to apply Armor All to the whitewalls on my Camaro?
Is it a kind of small dog that Malibu cougars have in their purses?
Is it some sort of power smoothie? I want one.
OLYMPICS
Do these so called athletes really need to be told when to excel and be great? If I waited every four years to sell some real estate, I'd be in the back of the unemployment line waiting for my handout with these losers.
HARD WORK
Retrieving the morning paper, turning the compost bin, hand grinding the coffee beans, walking the dog. I could do any of this, but I'd rather not. My flight to Wichita awaits.
FACIAL HAIR
Selleck, Reynolds, Boggs…If you don’t have one of these three last names, it’s time to shave your lip. And you know what, while you’re at it take off the tight women’s jeans and put on a pair of wrinkle free slacks.
CLIMATE CHANGE
Why is everyone pushing the panic button? Tell me why it’s bad that I can now more easily get a natural year-round tan and have more waterfront to sell. Please, tell me.
FREE AGENCY
I wanted a change, so I said to my boss, "You know what, it's not about the money anymore, Lord knows I've made enough. Now it's about building a dynasty, and there's only one place with an occupancy rate low enough to satisfy my closing ability."
Obviously I'm exaggerating...I don't have a boss.
PETS
I don't understand people that consider their pets a member of the family. "Hey Mr. Fluffers, hop into bed with me so we can snuggle!" Do you see me crying when I skin little Rod Jr to make a new Viper skin cumber bun? Not really.
MOTHER NATURE
"As a man of power, I don't like to admit when things are out of my control. It goes against our nature to realize you can't affect the outcome of any event. Did I jump for joy when one of those hurricanes named after a prostitute crushed my pontoon boat like a sardine can? No. But sometimes you have to nestle up to the bosom of Mother Nature and give in to her discipline. In this specific case, I'm Mother Nature and you can't stop me from selling you this townhouse."
-Rod, 2010 Carson, CA. Quote from my first sales pitch.
CASUAL FRIDAYS
You know who loves casual Fridays? People who have no future. Hey, let's all dress up like a bunch of homeless people and stand around the water cooler all day. That sounds like a recipe for success. My attire is always tip-top - Fridays, Wednesdays, or otherwise - and the results are as tangible as the imported fabric in my handmade sweaters. So enjoy your ripped jeans and Hawaiian shirts. I'll be sure to tip you a couple bucks when you're parking my Celica.
SPENDING CUTS
When I think of impending cuts, there are none more critical than my appointment next Tuesday at Shear Brilliance. So while there may be a "House" of Representatives somewhere figuring out how to ruin America, I think i'll just stick with Mindy who represents my hair just fine from Chair #3.
HOUSING MARKET
In my town, when it comes to condo salesmen, I am known for my outstanding service. I typically like to celebrate a closing with a client over a bottle of Cook's and a few hugs. So when I hear that there is a "real estate bubble", it must mean I'm about to crush another sale.
GAMBLING
After a busy week of closing deals, I like to decompress at my favorite Indian Casino for a weekend of shrimp cocktails, spa treatments and roulette. Gambling is fun, I usually end up winning money.
