Sunflower Girl
Kim Taehyung | Roommates AU | Romance | Campus Romance | High School to College | Enemies to lovers | Fluff | Angst | Implied Smut
COUNT—20, 848 words ↳ A/N: First series written in early 2016 too!
❝Taehyung: killer of flowers and wrecker of hearts. With a high school history you can’t get over and a problematic roommate you can’t avoid, life is great until you’re forced to live under Kim Taehyung’s roof.❞
Prologue
Knock
“Y/N,”
Knock
“I need to talk to you Y/N,”
It was a cycle. A vicious cycle of early morning wake-ups and pretending to be dead asleep to having your sister rip open your bedroom door anyway. Slipping under your covers, she nestles her tired body up against your back. Wrapping her arms around your waist, she buries her head between your shoulder blades and cries.
Lifting your gaze to the only source of light in your room you groan as your alarm clock emits the warning numbers of dawn.
“You know Mia, I wake up in two hours for my graduation ceremony,” you rasp, the morning tendrils clinging to your vocal chords. “What is it now?”
“Don’t leave,” she sobs, turning onto her back but still holding you tight. “Fuck, I guess it’s just the insecurities and loneliness talking, but I couldn’t sleep after thinking so hard about it and I don’t want you to leave the city. I don’t want you to leave me. I want you to come to my college and I want us to be close forever.”
Turning onto your back, you both stare at the glow-in-the-dark stars glued to your ceiling.
Their glow had faded significantly over the years and the thought of tearing them down after so many nights of saving you from nightmares scared you more than you’d like to admit as an adult. You thought that maybe, the karma of the universe would push you into the perils of catch up nightmares, so they stayed.
“Please don’t go,” she begs, nestling her face into your shoulder. “I’ll be good. I’ll even drink less alcohol, just don’t leave me alone in this hole.”
Letting a river of discomfort and grief flood your disgruntled morning self, you sink further down into your duvet with a frustrated sigh. You still hadn’t told your family that any semblance of an opportunity of going to a university far away had disintegrated in less than a week and that you had decided to stay instead. What else could you do?
“Mia, I’m not going,” you whisper. “Something happened and I didn’t end up getting the required grade for Brown. So, you don’t have to worry about being lonely, I guess I’m staying here. So go away so I can sleep before I murder you.”
“Something? Are you talking about Taehyung?” she asks, yawing into her hand. “If you are, I’m going to hug him. You and me forever. ”
“Don’t even say his name,” you croak, pulling the sheets back over your face. “Now, if you don’t mind, I’d like to sleep so I don’t look like an axe murderer in my graduation photos.”
“If something was meant to happen Y/N, it would. Stop being dramatic, the kid doesn’t sound that bad at all. So he lied to you, big whoop. Did you die? NO.” she shouts, her voice too loud for the mush that was your morning brain. “I’m glad he did to be honest. I think I might hug him when I see him. Thats how glad I am.” she says, squeezing you tighter before leaving you to slumber the last remaining hours of being a high school student.
“Like hell you will,” you whisper as she leaves. “Kim Taehyung is a murderer of dreams and flowers and all things in between.”
She laughs as she closes the door behind her, “Be careful there sis, love and hate are separated by a very thin curtain. You might just burn it down with all that fire of yours.”
Sinking back into your sheets, you mull over every single interaction you’ve ever had with him. You didn’t have that many, but they filled you with regret and anxiety. You felt hopeless and tormented by his stupid grin, his stupid toe nail clipping eyes, his soft brown hair and his baritone laugh.
You hated him. You hated Kim Taehyung.
In your freshmen year of high school you decide against being surprised by anything Kim Taehyung does and will ever do. He was popular, smart and kind. He was the picture perfect student justly famous for two reasons.
First, he was incredibly good looking — a natural beauty. The second, he was the most boring good looking person on the planet. He lived in the school library, he routinely volunteered to tutor and his posture was always frustratingly perfect in class. He was a brick wall with girls, a brick wall with his friends and a brick wall to you. Everything he did was a calculated move towards his GPA, he was predictable and transparent.
He remained the star pupil of your school up until senior year, when out of nowhere Kim Taehyung did a 180 and became a mystery.
You were curious as to what might’ve caused the sudden change; the good boy suddenly going bad. He acted as though he had a grudge against the world, as though the world did something so shockingly inhumane that his actions and juvenile delinquency were warranted, but he just wanted to be himself. He just wanted to be able to express himself.
With his chestnut hair streaked with green, pink leather jacket and the cool that suddenly replaced his once stoic aura, Taehyung was a completely different person. And, you could tell from the size of the dark bags under his eyes and the hangovers he routinely nurtured in the classes he did actually attend, Taehyung was chasing demons into tequila sunrises.
He wasn’t any different from the group of boys he hung around. Which doesn’t come as a surprise to you, you are at the end of the day, the product of your environment. You just hoped that maybe, just maybe, he would be different and prove you wrong.
If only.
Walking to the student administration office determined and passionate. You decide that if Taehyung could change in such a short time frame than you could too. You didn’t want to follow the path your parents set out for you, and neither did he, you wanted to spread your wings, so you did.
You were going to find a university outside of the state and attend it. You were going to find what makes you happy and pursue it.
What makes you happy was 8 hours away and you needed to maintain an A- average to even think about getting in on scholarship. Brown was an elite college designed for hardworking students like yourself.
So thats what you worked towards. You had a goal and you were going to press forward and achieve it.
But as you became more determined and goal focused, Taehyung had loosened his grip on academic reality and began to lose himself in the swell of people and what they could offer him in terms of a good time. He was a freight train heading straight for you.
For the last 6 months of your senior year, the science classroom had become your cave. Your last assignment for your high school career was research on soil and sunflowers, which is why you spent most of your time by the back window where you could see every corner of the school.
These flowers held your hope of going to Brown.
It was english class when Taehyung approached you for the first time. You assumed at first that maybe his college friends had told him about the so called “legendary tales” of your famous freshmen sister and he had come to check you out, but he seemed genuine in his disinterest and just wanted to borrow a pen.
The second time he approached you, it was to return it. He didn’t seem at all curious or even aware of who you were and he certainly didn’t ask you about your sister. The small interactions were nice, although you were mostly ignored, he filled you with fascination and enough day dreaming material for life.
Hell, the boy was cute.
The third time Taehyung approached you however, he had figured out who you were and he played it smart so you wouldn’t figure him out.
Carrying a box filled with his last science experiment, he stops to encourage himself before making his way to class.
“Okay, Taehyung just play it cool. You’re cool. She’s just a girl. Its just a girl.” he chants under his breath. “Get in there, get to know her. Get her to like you. Get invited to the party. Invite the boys. Don’t be nervous.”
Making his way to the class, he opens the sliding door of the classroom and his eyes immediately fall on your familiar frame leaning out the back window with your chin against your forearm, your knees on the seat of the stool and your hair plunging down the sides of your face.
Staring into the classroom he notes that you were the only thing motionless in the beehive of the classroom, and Taehyung felt somewhat transfixed by the calamity that he thought might be your nature. What he hoped might be your nature.
He had always found that you were quite peculiar and compelling, but not enough to think of you as anything other than a blur in the face of blurs. He was nervous because you seemed smart. Smart enough to catch onto his plan. Smart enough to see right through him, but the allure of what your friendship could offer him outweighed any potential consequence.
Sitting down in the stool beside you, he places the box to the right of him and leans his chin on his fist to stare up at you. He wanted to be methodical with his charms, but from where he sat, it looked like you were chasing the sun and he found it amusing how the sunflowers that sat beside you almost looked like they were doing the same. He decided to run in blind, jump into the deep end with his hands tied. He was just going to be a friend. Theres no harm in that right? holla that rhymed, rm eat ur <3 out
Leaning closer to you, he clears his throat, “Hey Y/N, I know this is kind of weird but I was thinking that maybe we could be friends. I-I know its really late into the year and we haven’t r-really talked before but there is no time like the present right? What do you say?” he stammers, peering curiously close to your face.
Waiting for you to turn and reply to his overwhelmingly generous offer, he leans closer in curiosity. He questions if maybe he’s mixed you up with someone else and thats the reason why you’re ignoring him. But he knows you, and he knows he’s smart enough to distinguish you from the other blurs.
He’s so close to you at this point that he can see every freckle, every blemish and every crack of skin on your lips. He’s not sure why he’s standing so close to you, but he wants to offer his strawberry lip balm. He also wants to brush his fingers against the long length of your lashes or play with the ends of your soft hair. He feels like you’d be a nice enough person to let him, but he decides against doing any of those, you’d probably find that strange.
Cocking his eyebrows at you, he leans his head back against the window sill. “Hey, Y/N.” he says, licking his lips.
Beside the mindless chatter from other students, the clock ticking above the classroom door fills the silence between you as he waits for your response. He’s about to clap in front of your face before a gust of wind blows your hair away from your face, sending the apple and strawberry scent of your shampoo wafting towards him. He closes his eyes in awe as he lets the gentle scent clog his brain. He hasn’t smelt something so lovely in his entire life.
Looking back towards you, he admires the way your hair cascades down the back of your uniformed blouse but in turn, notices the earphones in your ears. Blushing scarlet to the tips of his ears in embarrassment, he laughs loudly at his silly mistake. Sitting back down in the stool, he rests his chin on his fist again and grins, you weren’t ignoring him.
After measuring and watering the sunflowers, you place them on the window sill beside you. Sighing into the gentle breeze you flood your brain with last nights conversation.
Your sister was arranging a massive house party at your family home. Your parents agreed and no-one bothered to ask you. How fucking rude
Mia lived in a college dorm but wanted to use the family house, where she no longer lives, under the guise of graduation celebrations. Your parents - proud and hippie, decided it was the worlds greatest idea, calling it an opportunity to “network.”.
Network my ass, any excuse to party for her was an excuse to be an asshole. You couldn’t imagine the kind of damage that would ultimately occur to your home. You didn’t want to. The idea made you grimace.
Taking a much needed deep breath, you slap your cheeks. Maybe listening to soft music will extinguish the fire you’re starting to feel grow embers in your heart.
Leaning out the window in half a daze, you put your earphones in and listen to the mellow tunes of Jim James - a favourite of yours.
Your ears are filled with the sound of rough hands and their tender love making abilities on the wooden fretboard of an acoustic guitar.
You wished wholeheartedly to be able to play guitar like that, to push people into a swell of thoughts as vigorous as he does to you. Maybe you should try learning this song Y/N, you can play, you might as well try. It can’t hurt.
The idea seemed to tug towards a favourable conclusion but before you could even continue on that train of thought, you’re being plucked from your daze and pulled back down to reality by a baritone laugh and the strong smell of cologne beside you.
Taking out your earphones, your about to tell the baritone laugher in close proximity to piss off but as you turn and face the stranger, you freeze in shock.
“Kim Taehyung.” you choke, embarrassingly swallowing the lump of anger you were about to gift his beautiful face. His cheeks were pink and his eyes looked like toe nail clippings in contrast to the impressive rectangle of teeth grinning at you; you couldn’t yell at such a face.
“So now you finally notice me.” he laughs, shifting the box beside him further away. “I’ve been trying to get your attention but you’ve been ignoring me for the past 5 minutes. Anyways, what’ya listening to?” he asks, flicking the tips of his hair out from his brows.
Sitting back down in your stool, you wrap your earphones around your phone and place it beside you. “Why do you want to know?” you frown, unsure and suspicious.
“Well, you looked so lost in thought. If music made you do that, I want to listen to it too and maybe get lost with you.” he says, rubbing his sweaty palms together.
“Uhh…” you mutter, your mouth not quite connecting with your brain. It was strangely bizarre how THE Kim Taehyung was talking to you, but you were too tired and shocked to question it. “Jim James. His song Exploding takes me places. I just fall in love with it everytime I hear it.”
Unwrapping your earphones from around your phone, you slip an earphone into his ear. You watch his eyelashes flutter unexpectedly at the soothing melody before looking back up to your eyes with an unreadable expression. He sits and stares at you for the entirety of the song.
He must not have meant to stare because when the song ends, he realises he had been and he tears his eyes away from yours in embarrassment.
You sink back into your chair as you wrap your earphones around your phone again. You feel like you just made some weird connection with him, it was unnerving.
Maybe you should’ve questioned him at this point, but as he agrees with you and talks about the music that has a similar effect on him, you’re transfixed.
You like the way he talks and the way his eyes pierce into yours to see if you’re still listening and the way he licks his lips in thought. You like the way he talks about music, you can feel an unspoken passion as you listen to him speak. Almost like there was furnace behind his eyes and he wanted you to feel the heat.
It made you excited for him but confused as to why he was pouring out his deep seeded passion so fearlessly to you. You didn’t even know him.
You can tell by the way he has to forcefully stop himself from saying anything more that he really hasn’t talked to anyone else about this. It seems to surprise him how much he’s managed to tell you because he couldn’t bring himself to stop.
He couldn’t understand what was happening all of a sudden. He felt like out of all people who would understand him, it would be you and he didn’t even know you. He regrets not choosing to use his methodical charm, he’s going in blind and he has a sinking feeling that you aren’t just some girl.
He was in love with the idea of making his own music and to have people like you fall in love with it. To fall in between the notes of his melodies and get lost, because he knew that sometimes in a town like theirs, people wanted to run away and he wanted his music to imbue a sense of passion. A sense of motivation to do it. He was happy and he wanted others to be happy too.
“Sorry, I do that. My mum says I talk too much and don’t give people the chance to talk.” he laughs, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. “Are flowers your thing?” he asks genuinely.
Facing him, you grin. “Everyone thinks I’m obsessed with my sunflowers, they even call me the sunflower girl, but I just want them to grow well. They are my ticket out of here.” feeling a slither of a blush across your cheeks, you look over your plants with fondness. “I need to get out of this city. I want to get out of this city.”
“Whats in your box?” you ask, tearing your gaze from the flowers to his curious expression. You hoped changing the conversation would divert the tender subject. You really didn’t want to talk about being suffocated by small town people and their small town minds. You thought that it might offend him.
Taehyung doesn’t even know whats in the box. “Its a surprise,” he says, fondling the edge of it. He doesn’t know whats in the box because its not actually his work. He paid a junior in the library to fix him a last minute research paper and evidence of the “work”.
He could’ve done it himself but he hadn’t actually attended a single science class that year and had no idea what the assignment was on. Not wanting her to know about that, he diverts the conversation, much like how she did before.
“Hey, lets not talk about science. I’d much rather talk about you. I want to get to know the sunflower girl.” he eagerly admits, inching closer until his knees were touching yours.
Surprised by his flirtation, you move back in your seat, grab your sunflowers by their shared pot plant and hold them close to your chest.
You want to hide in a hole right now because the comment came out of nowhere and your body wasn’t ready and your cheeks are starting to heat up and you’re sure they are pink and shit.
“Why?” you cough. Is he flirting with me? Why would he be flirting with me? I’m not even that good looking…
“I just want to make friends with everyone before grad,” he laughs loudly, subduing your suddenly insecure thoughts. “And why not?” he grins, suddenly feeling confident with himself as he watches you shy behind the petals.
Leaning forward in his seat so his knees were touching yours again, he remembers his agenda and what he was supposed to be doing.
Not wanting to waste any more time, he strokes the sunflower petals hanging in front of your lips, he makes sure to accidentally stroke your cheek. He’s grinning at how perfect this moment is becoming, you sitting there with flustered pink cheeks, him with sudden unwavering confidence in his abilities to charm. It made his job easier and he felt less guilty doing it.
“Come on Y/N, lets put these in the experiment room and spend the rest of the class talking. I want to be good friends with you and we can talk more about the music you like! I feel like we have a similar taste,” He smiles, wrapping his arm around yours as he pulls you up and out of your seat. “So, what do you say? Yes?”
His excited chestnut eyes simmer down to crescent moons as he waits for an answer. You nod your head and mutter back with a small smile, repeating what he said earlier, “Why not.”
Taehyung pulls you closer to him as you both carry your experiments to the experiment room. He was giddy and excited, much like a child.
You can practically feel your heart swimming in your ears in response as you look up to Taehyung and his cheshire grin. You can’t help but wonder why he was trying so hard. What good would your friendship be to him.
You’re about to ask him when all of a sudden he moves his hand to the small of your back, gently prodding you through the door. You hate how much of an impact the small gesture has on you, as your thoughts break and fall apart, filling your body with tiny flickers of electricity.
Its in that moment that you realise that you’re a goner. You don’t even need to dwell on it. Your body and your mind like Kim Taehyung.
And looking down at your flustered expression, Taehyung realises right then and there that he’s got you hook, line and sinker.
You remember the exact moment Taehyung sent you a message when you got home. You were sitting opposite your sister as your parents showered her in loving attention for her potentially fake academic success.
You felt invisible whenever she came home and no matter how hard you tried to talk, you were the ignored younger sibling pining for attention and you hated it.
You stayed silent with your claws in at your end of the table on the basis that after the party, you would become the favourite. There was no way she could hold that down knowing her social circle and how crazy the party will definitely be.
Feeling an alert from your phone tucked into the pocket of your jeans, you stop playing with your peas and pull it out. The silence you had adopted at the table, turned into a series of gasps and muttering under your breath once you read the message.
“What you doing? p.s. its Taehyung.”
You don’t even question how he got your number before you reply back with a timid greeting, you were just thankful that he saved you from a boring ass dinner with your family.
You were practically glued to your phone messaging him that night. He was on a roll with the worst jokes you’d ever heard when your sister finally notices your lack of attention.
“Y/N, who are you texting?” she smirks suggestively, leaning behind you. “Is it a boy?”
“Its just this boy from school, we started talking today.” you grin, turning back to your phone. “He’s funny — thats why I’m smiling, we are just friends.”
Mia smiles at you and then to your parents knowingly. “I didn’t ask but thanks for clarifying. Whats your boyfriends name?” she laughs, lunging for the phone.
“He’s not my boyfriend!” you shriek, snatching your phone back. “Leave me alone.”
“Who is Taehyung?” she laughs, running after you. “I’ll find out! You can’t hide anything from me!”
She gives up chase when you lock your bedroom door behind you. You doubt, no, you hope that she won’t remember his name. Mia is the kind of girl to beat up boys that like you, she was so over protective that it hurt.
Sinking back into the paradise of your sheets, you fall back into an endless exchange with Taehyung.
You spend all weekend and till dawn hiding under your covers texting him. It was comforting to have someone to talk to on a similar wave length, you didn’t feel as alone.
You were surprised by how much you had learnt about him in two days and how easily he got you to open up.
He loved making music and acting, his parents decided to prolong the vacation they were on to a year and he hated how he didn’t have the nerve to talk to you earlier.
You both agreed that there was this strange understanding between you, potentially caused by how much in common you had with him, but something felt …strange.
You couldn’t put your finger on it. He seemed to have either mood swings or personality swings, it almost seemed like you were talking to two different people, but you didn’t question it. You put your faith in that maybe he was just tired.
Walking the back routes to school the following week, you notice a group of boys standing beside the back entrance. They were huddled into a circle, seemingly up to no good. They looked intimidating — cigarettes hanging from their fingers, serious and hard facial expressions, and they were listening to loud rap music. It was almost scary how unapproachable they looked and how much you suddenly wanted to run away without them seeing you.
Staying out of sight, you wondered if it was worth turning back and walking to the front entrance. You didn’t want any trouble and they looked exactly that.
Looking back up to the group again you notice the familiar silhouette of Kim Taehyung hiding in the corner of the group and immediately feel your heart ricochet against your ribs. He had wanted you to come find him when you got to school so he could introduce you to his friends, you didn’t think you’d be able to so quickly.
Slowly approaching the group, your confidence begins to waver. They looked like they were well into a serious conversation and you didn’t want to interrupt.
Stopping beside a tree, you grab your phone out to text him, but when your name is said in the centre of the group ahead, you stop.
“Dude no, Namjoon and I spent the entire weekend talking to her.” Taehyung groans, running his hands through his hair.
Jumping behind the tree, you press your back against the trunk. You weren’t sure if eavesdropping was entirely appropriate, but your instincts told you to stay and do exactly that.
“Its going to work! I heard that they were throwing it at her house. I just need to talk to her a bit more okay. Y/N is too easy, don’t even worry. She’ll invite me. And then I’ll get you guys invited, its a no brainer,” he yells, scraping his shoes against the concrete, “We get along, she’s actually kind of cool for a loner.”
“I just feel bad for her. We shouldn’t use people like this, its not kind.” his blonde haired friend mutters empathetically.
“Such is life. You gotta do what you gotta do Yoongi.” he groans, stamping out his cigarette. “Come on, we gotta get to class. Its the last week and Namjoon and I want to vandalise the math block.”
You stay behind your tree and watch them saunter through the gate into school. You were shaking with adrenaline and disbelief and anger. The heart that was creeping up your body at the sight of him, gyro dropped to the pits of your stomach and your blood boiled in rage.
You suddenly felt guilty, felt horrible and felt like he just violated your privacy. No, he did violate your privacy. Holding a hand over your chest, you struggle to exhale. The hurt lodged into your throat like a rock and you were afraid that your emotions would get the best of you and that you’d cry a river right then and there.
You had told him too much about yourself and the thought that someone who had an ulterior motive for your friendship knows what others don’t and shouldn’t know, made you want to curl into yourself and cry in frustration.
You just wanted to have one thing, one nice thing in your life and you wanted that to be him. You hoped that it would be him, but Taehyung was terrible and if life teaches you anything about misery, its that terrible comes in twos.
Opening the door to the experiment room, that afternoon, you gawk at the crowd of people around your flowers. “Why is everyone standing around my sunflowers?” you ask, your voice faint, suddenly wracked with nerves.
Either your project was stunningly beautiful or something was terribly wrong. You were almost too certain that it was the latter, your classmates were too competitive to care if you did well.
The group of people surrounding your work stare at you sympathetically before moving out of the way, creating a clearing for you to see the state of your plants.
Sucking in a sharp breath from the site of them, you drag your feet defeatedly closer and closer through the clearing, disbelief indisputably on your face.
Stroking one of the last remaining petals, you slump against the edge of the table when it breaks off between your fingers.
They had withered. The once vibrant yellow replaced by a dull brown.
The students surrounding you bowed and politely left, eager to leave the awkwardness of having to comfort a top student who had definitely screwed up the worlds easiest assignment. And in doing so, uncovered the experiment box that sat beside yours.
“Ripening Bananas - Kim Taehyung”
“Y/N Y/N Y/N!” Taehyung yelps gleefully as he enters the room, passing the group of students. The sound of his happiness as he jumps in glee, burns a couple holes in your defence as you try your best to hold back your emotions as he approached you.
“Why didn’t you come and say hi to me?” he asks, playful bouts of disappointment sketched into every word. You don’t look at him but you can imagine his face contort with that cute little pout he does that seems to make everything naught.
Taking a deep breath, you move out of the view of the flowers, so Taehyung can see.
“Your flowers,” his eyes glisten with sympathy as he pulls you into an urgent, somewhat sincere hug. “I’m so sorry. You must be so upset.” he says into the crook of your neck, with the heat of his breath making you shiver against him as he rubs circles into your back.
You know he’s trying to be comforting or play the part of a comforting friend but you stand rigid against him. It’s taking all of your willpower not to wrap your hands around his neck and squeeze the air out of him.
Pushing him away, you stare at him incredulously, suddenly filled with anger. “Your idea of a surprise was ripening bananas? Why did you put your box next to mine knowing my assignment was on flowers Taehyung? I even told you how much this assignment meant to me.”
Wrapping his hand around your elbow, he murmurs lowly. “What are you talking about? What did I do?”
Shoving his hand away you point to his box. “What did you do? Taehyung, ripening bananas produce ethylene gas that causes disruption of life to flowers. You put your box right next to my flowers. You killed my flowers.”
“I didn’t know Y/N, believe-
“The assignment was on respiration, how did you not know that?”
“I-I didn’t know?” he stutters. “I definitely didn’t mean to do this, I know how much they meant to you. I would never try to hurt you.”
“Are you lying to me right now?” you ask, stepping closer to him.
“I wouldn’t lie to you. I’m sorry, I didn’t know.” he yells, begging for forgiveness with his eyes.
“You wouldn’t lie to me? Thats hilarious. Save it Taehyung.” you say, holding your hand up. “Just don’t.”
Pushing passed him, he watches silently as you yourself process what just happened. You couldn’t even argue against your results, the assignment was designed to be autonomous and you were responsible for controlling the flowers environment.
You did enough research to pass but the state of your results couldn’t guarantee even a B. Your grade had dropped and so did any hope of leaving this place.
Holding the door handle, you take a deep breath. “It was nice talking to you and Namjoon over the weekend, but had you got your facts straight, you would’ve known that my sisters party is open house. And, I’m not easy. I was just being kind even if I am a loner..”
“How did you-
“It doesn’t matter how I know.” you interrupt. “Just don’t talk to me again.”
Taehyung jumps forward to grab your arm, making you turn and face him. “No, stop. That was nothing. I didn’t mean any of that. Why would I? We talked — I talked, I haven’t talked to anyone like that in years and I did with you! We, us, I liked it a lot and so did you. You can’t deny that, I know how you feel. ” he yells, holding onto your arm to prevent you from leaving. “I don’t know what it was or what we are and I admit I was being a douchebag, but do you really think I put in all that effort just to get an invite to a party?”
You could feel the tension hang in the air as if it were a tangible object and you could see his brain run miles behind his desperate eyes, it felt like he was saying he might’ve liked you. Wait, did he just admit that he did.
How ridiculous.
Was he doing it in some last ditch effort to seem innocent, like his actions were warranted? You couldn’t trust him. He still approached you with an ulterior motive, and knowing that he did, discounted most of the priceless rom com interactions you had replayed countlessly in your mind. You didn’t even want to look at him, you despised liars.
“Yes, yes I do Taehyung.” Shaking his arm off of yours. “Come to the party if you want, just don’t bother me again. I can’t believe I was so stupid to even maybe kind of like you. Did you have fun making fun of me behind my back while I poured my feelings, ambitions and insecurities over text to eyes that should’ve only been yours? Did you and Namjoon joke about them together? Did you even once consider how I would feel? Did you even consider me as a friend?”
“Y/N, it wasn’t like that.” he snaps. “At first it was, but things changed.”
“Yeah things changed my ass, you got caught out lying. Theres more to life than pleasing your friends and hurting strangers Taehyung.”
“Strangers?” he asks, his eyes filling with a flame you couldn’t recognise. “Is that what you think you are to me?”
“Oh, I’m not? You think a week of talking under false pretence makes you qualified to be more than that? Look, I’m done. I want to go home and cry over how stupid I am. For the first time in my entire life I felt excited over something as trivial as a morning message, I got butterflies and I felt nervous coming to school because I knew you’d talk to me again. After everything that I’ve been through, I thought that I’d throw caution into the wind and open my heart. What a mistake that was. You aren’t as nice as you think you are Kim Taehyung. And now I know that too.” you yell, finally fed up with this entire situation. He’s surprised by your tone of voice and his face pales and his lower lip quivers. He looks sad or hurt, you don’t know which but the image stays painted on the back of your eyelids when you give him one last once over before running down the hallway.
You kind of hoped Taehyung would chase after you to apologise, to say something, but Taehyung was afraid you’d maul him if he followed, so he didn’t.
He didn’t even say sorry.
Stopping in the empty school hallway, you promised yourself then and there that you would never fall in love or even in like with Kim Taehyung. You were nearly charmed, you were nearly romanced by it all too.
You were so stupid.
After the graduation ceremony, you walked to the hair salon and asked them to cut and dye your hair. Getting a shade lighter from your natural dark brown hair, you decide bangs could be cute and get that too. You donate all of your clothes to charity and you throw out every single piece of high school paper.
You felt better and you felt stronger.
Your first year of university was nice. You made lots of friends in the music department and put a lot of effort into your social life. You were opening your wings and becoming a social butterfly.
It felt nice. It felt right.
It was in the second semester when you realised that you attended the same university as Taehyung. He was in the acting department, so your classes were on opposite sides of the campus.
You thought he would be gracious enough to avoid you. You weren’t forgiving enough to a person who didn’t seem at all apologetic, even if he was young and stupid at the time.
You were stubborn.
He did try to talk to you when he noticed you sitting alone in the library or waiting in line at the cafe by uni for your usual vanilla chai latte. He couldn’t understand the campus craze about that love story and how the entire female student body would order it in some weird romance fetish.
Standing three people behind you in the line, he watches you swipe your card into the eftpos machine and make small talk with the famous chestnut barista.
“I’m not a doctor or anything but these drinks are like tranquillisers and are so good for my dysfunctional sleeping patterns.” you grin, handing the machine back to him.
“It’s good to hear that I do more than just rope hearts in with those drinks. Hey, speaking of hearts, Mia was telling me the other day that she barely sees you. Spare me a favour and go see her? I want to be able to kiss my girlfriend without your sister barging through the door and ruining the mood. I love your sister but I love my girlfriend more.”
“Ew, okay. Thanks for telling that?” you raise your eyebrows as the other barista hands you your drink. “I still can’t believe how famous you and your girlfriend are. It disgusts me. Anyways, have a good day Hoseok.”
“Sounds like someones lonely. If you want a boyfriend, I have friends who are single. Just say the word,” he winks, making you blush. “You have a great day too Y/N, I’ll see you later.” he laughs, waving at you as you leave.
Deciding against caffeine, Taehyung runs after you as you leave. This would be attempt number 7 at trying to talk to you. Rounding the corner of the cafe, he swears under his breath when he watches you pant as you get in your car and leave.
You ran. Again,.
Truth be told you saw him in the line as your waited for your drink. You felt his scolding gaze on your back the entire time and knew he would try and talk to you as you left, but running away from those situations before they could happen became your signature move.
Your relationship with him, without actually having any resemblance of a relationship, was tiring. Innocent glances from across lecture theatres or when he saw you at parties, curious glances in study groups and awkward tension if you were too close. The tiring part was avoiding him.
No-one could understand why you’d want to avoid him. He was good-looking, stylish and smart, but your friends helped you run away anyway. They kind of liked being affiliated with Taehyungs group of attractive friends, but found the tension between you and him too suffocating to bare. So out of respect for your friendship, they didn’t ask questions and they didn’t intervene.
Again, you were thankful.
Taehyung couldn’t hide it anymore. He was sick of your flat tyre attitude and your motivated agenda to always avoid him. He just wanted to be friends with you, so he could live comfortably. He wanted to apologise and move on, but you wouldn’t let him.
At the very end of your first year, and the beginning of summer school. You moved in with your sister. You couldn’t afford to live in the dorms anymore and you were glad you had her apartment to fall back on.
You couldn’t sleep and your neighbours were loud and everything was a clusterfuck of suck. Of course you knew your sister liked to throw parties and casual get togethers, you figured it would be a weekend only thing. Just so long as you got good sleep on the weekdays, you were happy.
What you didn’t know about the arrangement was how exclusive she had become with Taehyung and his friends.
True to form, on the day of your high school graduation, she found Taehyung and pulled him into an affectionate bear hug in pure unadultered joy. She couldn’t thank him enough and Taehyung seemed to marvel at the affection and felt less guilty. Atleast someone came out of the situation happy.
After meeting his friends and becoming fond of his older friend Jin, they attached themselves to her parasitically. They enjoyed the benefits of her friendship, while you eternally rolled your eyes. Had you known that Taehyung would almost always be in the same domain, you probably would’ve just found a job instead and stayed in the dorms.
But you didn’t. You weren’t going to let him dictate your life.
The casual drink ups she hosted meant late nights at the library or at a cafe, staying over at friends houses and doing everything you can to avoid him. It was practical and beneficial for your academics. You got lots of work completed before their deadlines and lots of guitar practice in between.
You were happy.
Sitting at his second year introductory lecture for his music paper, Taehyung flicks the freshly died red tips of his hair out from his face as he waits for the lecture to begin. “So boring.” he moans, shifting his body to comfortably mould into his seat.
Dropping his head onto the arm he had sprawled across his desk, he closes his drooping eyes. Usually he’d be concerned and worried over the absence of his desk partner, but he was so tired from the festive events of last night to even care. His thirst for alcohol was drying up and he found himself sober almost all of the time, in search for something that will make him feel even more alive.
You were still ignoring him and he was becoming increasingly aware of your presence and your stupid strawberry apple scented shampoo that drove him crazy. He didn’t want to but he couldn’t tear his eyes away from you whenever you were near.
At this point he had tried everything but talking to you to get your attention and he needed something that would make you stay long enough so he could.
He watched you run away like you were the plague a million times before he realised that it bothered him. Its not like he had dated you or thought of you as anything other than potential. Its just that it was weird and it didn’t feel right that you hated him so much.
They were just sunflowers.
He mulled over how much he screwed up a potentially great friendship and was willing to work hard to gain your trust, to be friends again.
He wanted to listen to music with you or stand in cafe lines laughing with you. He wanted to study and have deep 3am conversations with you. He wanted you to pass by him with a smile and a wave like you did with everyone else. He just wanted you to be okay with him.
It was the simple things really that made him feel like he was a firework, burning up all on his own and all because of you.
The door to the lecture hall opens and bangs against the wall loudly but Taehyung doesn’t look up. Instead, he nuzzles into the crook of his elbow, feeling the lull of sleep slowly pull him into the void.
“I’m sorry I’m late. Oh, it hasn’t started? Oh thank the heavens,” you say, panting to the teaching assistant seated by the door. “My seat? Oh, next to the sleeping boy? Alright, thank-you. Sorry again.”
You rush down the aisles of desks to find the last vacant seat.
You had accidentally put your alarm on PM instead of AM and only had 10 minutes to run like hell to class. You weren’t able to apply make up or tame your wild wet hair in time. You looked like shit, but atleast you were well rested.
Placing your bag on top of the desk, you slink hurriedly into the chair beside him eager to get this class over and done with. Leaning back in your chair, you relax your breathing and fan your hot red face.
Pushing in your chair, you take out your notebook and pen, preparing to take any important notes. The movement ushers your sleeping desk partner awake and he groans at the displeasure.
Licking his lips, Taehyung sits up and looks at his rude desk parter with the intention of telling them to soften their movements so he can sleep a little longer. But he stiffens and the words die in his mouth when he realises who his desk partner is and then suddenly, Taehyung doesn’t think this class will be boring anymore.
“Y/N.” he smiles.
“What are you doing here?”
Opening the front door to an ocean of drunk college seniors wasn’t exactly what you had in mind on a Friday night. The plethora of sweaty bodies and the throbbing of bass music made it nearly impossible for you to enter the safety of your home.
It was kind of intoxicating, the feel of it all. How the lights cascaded down in strobes of red and green, and how the crowd of dancers throbbed against the music, hungry to climb the peak of the beat. You were surrounded, completely surrounded by strangers in your own home.
Only God knows how many people have trashed your room now, have peed in your plants or have consummated drunken regrets in your bed.
But where was all the furniture? you thought. You were sure a lamp used to live by the door, and a couch against the far wall and you remembered family portraits hung everywhere, but everything was gone. The house was completely empty of your stuff.
Pushing through the brick walls of strangers, your eyes get pulled up from the ground by some magnetic force to Jins concerned chestnut orbs across the room.
Waving you over with a smile, you spot Mia beside him talking to her friends. You didn’t exactly hate her friends but because they practically lived in your house, you held them each accountable for every Friday night and every piece of broken furniture. This party was out of control though, there was no way in hell that Mia threw this on her own knowing the reputable harm they could suffer trying to find another rental apartment when they would eventually get evicted.
Anger built up in the pit of your stomach at the sight of her laughing, the infectious sound spreading to her friends. How could she laugh this off when the impeding homeless status loomed so high above your heads.And wasn’t there a TV there before?
Walking passed Jin, you shove Mia’s shoulder. “What is this? And where is all of our stuff?”
“At Taehyungs.” she slurs in response. “And guess what! No rent! So you don’t have to work at that cafe!” she yells happily, affectionally rubbing your face with her sweaty palm. She was drunk. Very drunk.
Shoving her hand away, you step forward in anger. “That doesn’t explain why you have a whole college of people in our house. If someone breaks a window, or a wall, we can’t afford to fix it.”
“Y/N, I tried. I really did.” Jin smiles apologetically, letting Mia lean on him.“Taehyung should be around if you want to talk with him. I’m sorry that this had to happen without you knowing.”
Poking the inside of your cheek with your tongue, you gape at him incredulously. “Jin, lets skip the bullshit apologies. Sorry didn’t stop you from drinking your gin or inviting your friends. And I have a working phone too you know.” Running your hands through your hair, you take another deep breath.
You can’t remember a time where you weren’t frustrated with these people. “Just look after her.” you spat, stepping away from the group and turning around in search for a drink or for something that could make you less annoyed at the world.
Spotting a chilli bin of alcohol leaning against the wall, you rush over and open the lid. Grabbing the first beer bottle your excruciatingly sober fingers could find, you twist the bottle cap off against your forearm and slowly bring it to your mouth. You weren’t sure if jumping into the cess pool of beer was a good idea, what was the rhyme, beer before grass your on your ass, grass before beer you’re in the clear?
You never understood what that exactly meant, were you supposed to eat some sort of grass? Is that why guys like to drink beer outside? Either way, you planned to be on your ass blind drunk by 1, or in twenty minutes if you were lucky. Hoping to be lucky, you scull the drink at full force and slam the bottle down on the table beside you. The alcohol swirled a cautious reminder of your lightweight status as you felt your stomach already detest the quick consumption.
“Holy shit, that was impressive.” a voice cheers beside you. Turning your face to acknowledge the person invading your silent rage, you almost immediately roll your eyes. The boy was leaning leisurely against the wall in ripped black skinny jeans and a white button up with a black leather jacket. And the boy was Kim Taehyung.
Suddenly feeling frustrated again, you bite your bottom lip. No amount of alcohol can iron out the wrinkles Taehyung makes in the sheets of your rage, even if he did look sexy as hell doing it.
“Tough day?” he asks, taking a sip from his bottle. “You look like you want to kill someone.”
Narrowing your eyes at him, you scoff. “Just go away.”
“Maybe I will.” he frowns, dangling the bottle in front of your face. “Or maybe I won’t.”
The see-through bottle of vodka that hung loosely from his fingertips cried out an incessant need to be wasted and the more his crescent moon eyes burned holes into your skin, the more you wanted to rip the bottle from his stupid murderous hands and save yourself from having to converse with him.
You hated Taehyung and you were pretty sure Taehyung hated you back. You did spend a good year and a half completely ignoring him, so not without good reason.
Knowing that though didn’t stop you from ripping the bottle from his slimy fingers and bringing it to your mouth. He already hated you, so theres no point in being nice really. “Y/N’s a bad girl hey?” he laughs, watching you practically inhale his alcohol.
Regretting your decision almost immediately, you close yours eyes against the strong burn of vodka. “You know Taehyung, I could say the same about you.” you choke, still feeling the burn of the vodka in your throat.
Taehyung relaxes against the wall in a silent fit of laughter. “That would’ve burned me had it not burnt you first.” he grins, tilting his face to study yours.
“Why are you staring at me?” you ask, still grimacing from the vodka.
“I want you to smile at me. We are desk partners and you refuse to show me them pearly whites, how could I not want to see you smile,” he stammers, crossing his arms over his chest. “I want to hear your laugh too.”
You weren’t sure if it was the intimacy of his attention or the alcohol that was making you blush, either way, you wanted no part in it. “Bold demand from you Mr. Popular Kim Taehyung. Go away, you’re drunk.”
“I’m not drunk, I just —you never do and I want you too.” he says, stepping forward.
You groan loudly at his eagerness to trap you into a conversation. Putting your arms in the pocket of your jumper you yell over the music. “Well I would if you got the hint, or the hints for the past two years that I don’t actually like you.”
He laughs, stepping close to whisper in your ear. “We’re roommates now. Can’t we just forget high school and move on with our lives. Well, mainly you because I’m over it,” His breath sends a shudder down your spine as he adds in a low voice. “I’d really like to be friends with you.”
He was so close to your face that you could see the pores on his nose and how red and dilated his eyes were. It only made you grimace harder. “I can see right through you Taehyung. Hot guys like you only want one thing.”
“You think I’m hot?” he grins, winking at you suggestively.
Standing straighter you poke your finger into his chest, pushing him away from you. The room was already suffocating enough, closeness between you and him wasn’t exactly helping the anxiety you felt.
“Oh please, even you think you’re hot.” you grimace. “Don’t look at me like one of the girls you think you’re going to get. I refuse to like assholes like you.”
“What if I’m not like the others?” he asks, his eyes twinkling under the strobes of light. “You refuse to like me? We’ll see about that.” he grins, putting his sunglasses on and swiping another bottle of vodka from the chilli-bin. “Just want to mention that I feel blessed that you stopped ignoring me two months ago and everyday feels like a dream when you aren’t being the ice queen to me. How about we get out of here?”
“You can go and take all your five hundred people with you.” you grin, satisfied with your comeback. “Desk partners don’t ignore each other, especially when they have to actually do work together. You should count your blessings that I decided to be nicer to you.”
“I do everyday. Wait, is that half of a smile I see? Must be my lucky day. Come on, lets have some fun.” he beams, pushing off against the wall and pulling you within the crowd of people.
“Let me make myself clear Taehyung, this does not change how much I do not like you.” you frown and he mirrors your expression.
Pulling you harder towards him, he yells loudly over the music. “Thats good to know because I hate you too. Come on.”
Clinging to his extended hand, you watch his back get swallowed by the crowd. Had it not been for his hand holding yours tightly, you probably would’ve let go.
You have no idea where he’s taking you but in that very moment, you don’t care. Where the vodka goes, you go. The alcohol made you feel free and the idea of being around the campus hottie and notorious sunflower murderer, made you feel more alive than you cared to admit.
In your first year of university you had made some pretty horrible friend choices. They showed you a life outside of the books and inside the clubs - a boring adventure you had pretended to love so much that sometimes now, you crave it.
Taehyung tugs your hand and pulls you down the hallway, you hadn’t even realised you were holding your breath until he turns to ask if you are okay. You half smile and grab the second bottle out of his hands. Maintaining your eye contact with him, you take a drink.
“I am now.” you murmur, wiping your mouth with your arm. “Was this your idea of getting out of here?” you say, taking in the emptiness of the hallway outside your old bedroom door.
He laughs lowly. “You looked like you were going to have a panic attack or something back there. Thought you’d appreciate some air.”
You blink back his words. “Thats actually kind of thoughtful but I think I’ll be fine after a couple more drinks. Oh, and if I get drunk …stay away from me okay.”
He salutes you and opens your door. “Lets drink in here, its better than out there.” You nod and he clinks his bottle with yours. “We’re not stopping until these bottles are empty okay.”
“Sounds like a plan to me.” you yell, running into the room as he closes it behind you.
You swayed to the music as a rush suddenly filled your veins. Taehyung was laughing and drinking and swaying with you and the feeling of not being alone felt so addictive it felt almost right. Its not until the morning after where you fully understand the gravity of your choice of drunk company and why addiction is usually a bad thing.
The splitting headache that threatened to tear the hemispheres of your brain apart, held your drunk adventures with Taehyung captive and you weren’t sure if that was a good or a bad thing. Looking down at your almost naked body, you can only assume that whatever happened between you and him wasn’t good.
Why do I have no shirt on?
Sliding back into your jumper, you closely observe your skin. You didn’t have hickies or any other evidence of sex —good. You were alone — also good and the bedroom door was locked — amazing.
“Y/N, wake up please. Seriously oh my god, fucking wake up already!” Mia yells, pounding profusely on the bedroom door. “Y/N, we need to leave now!” she panics, kicking the door. Opening the door, your immediately pulled behind your sister and dragged out of the house.
Apparently you only had approximately twenty minutes to get out of the apartment before the police would be called and Mia had been frantically trying to unlock the door and get you out. Pushed into Mias car, you can only smile at the eighth forced eviction since living with her and how Mia’s party had completely trashed the house.
How someone managed to put chairs into the tree on the front porch, burn the grass into the shape of a giant dick and destroy the mailbox was beyond you.
Banging her head against the steering wheel again she laughs. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. That sleeze - our landlord, he came over two nights ago and ….I had this feeling but I ignored it. Probably shouldn’t have ignored it, I mean it could have been you instead.” she stops, banging her head again and resting it on the steering wheel. “I just didn’t want to think he would do it, you know. Or that anyone of his esteem would.”
“What are you talking about?” you murmured, placing your hand on her shoulder. “Mia whats happened?”
“I thought it was suspicious that our rent was so cheap. That dirty bastard tried to touch me —I let him in thinking that he was fixing a drainage leak and he cornered me in the lounge. I kept saying no and he wouldn’t listen. So I socked him in the nose like dad taught us.” she says, shaking her head against the steering wheel. “I’ve never seen a nose break so hard Y/N. I nearly felt sorry for him. ”
Mia raises her head, her eyes puffy and gloomy as she peers at you. “I’ve never seen a grown man run so fast. And then I called my friends looking for a place to stay and Taehyung offered his home.”
Placing her head back on the steering wheel, Mia sighs loudly. “We officially live with Kim Taehyung now. Isn’t life great.”
You pat Mias back, “Well, we should probably go home then.”
Mia scoffs, gaping at you incredulously, “What no argument?”
“No point.” you murmur in reply. “I can understand now why you threw such a big party. I only regret not smashing a window.”
Mia laughs, starting the ignition and driving out of the driveway. “Y/N as your older sister I need to say that if a guy treats you like shit, you sock them so hard in the mouth that their mother will feel it and regret birthing such a creature. Okay?”
You nod in agreement and she rubs your shoulder. “I hope you don’t ever have to be put in a position where you feel like violence is warranted. Its scares me just thinking about it.”
Covering her hand on the steering wheel as she drives, you give it a comforting squeeze. “Everything is going to be okay, we’ve got each other. Lets just go to Taehyung’s, maybe report him and then forget about it.”
You and Mia nod in agreement and drive in silence to his house. He lived close to campus so his house wasn’t that far away from yours.
Mia had to triple check the address on the phone to him because the house he directed her to was the biggest and most lavish house on the block.
You stayed outside to admire the urban architecture of the two story building as she raced inside. The house was huge and the front lawn was bigger. The inside was even more impressive. Mahogany wooden floors, cream walls and home decoration on every single wall. The lounge was comfortable. Dark grey carpet, light beige furniture and an automatic fire place as the centre piece. You could see yourself sitting in front of it reading a book. It was honestly the dream house from the Sims you never had the patience to build.
It was a little unbelievable how Taehyung was the only person living in this house, but it kind of made sense as to why he never goes home. To be on your own in this house would drive anyone crazy.
As instructed by Mia, Taehyung preferred if you had the room next to his and Mia have the upstairs bedroom. You couldn’t think of a particular reason why but you didn’t care enough to ask. After unpacking your belongings, you set your books on your nightstand and lay atop your new bed.
You hear the low hum of Taehyung singing through the wall and you bathe in the sound. He was a good singer and the jazz quality of his voice sent electricity through your body. Curling in on yourself, you press your ear against the wall and smile. The longer you listened the harder it felt like your heart was consuming itself.
“I wonder what he’s doing?” you whisper before being startled by your thoughts. Why you were wondering what he was doing? You hate him Y/N.
Do I? The question itself provokes a train of broken memories from the night before and you feel the constraints of your hangover letting go as you cover your mouth in shock or more so, in embarrassment.
Taehyung slips out of his ripped black jeans and covers his lower body with the empty chip bowl. “Stop staring at me, I’m shy.”
You laugh. “Oh please, you didn’t look shy when I caught that girl over the summer break giving you a blowjob in the recording studios at school.” Narrowing your eyes, you bring your index finger to your temple, “What was her name, Ellie?”
Taehyung drops the chip bowl and you watch it fall.
“Fine. You get this question wrong and your jumper and shirt come off. What is a group of bears called?”
“Taehyung! Are you serious? Who’s going to know that?” you whine, nearly falling over in the process.
“So you don’t know what a group of bears are called.” he snorts, throwing his hands in the air in success. “Clothes. Off. Now.” he snarls, leaning on the bedroom door for support.
Disappointed in the unfair game but too drunk to even second guess his ulterior motive, you groan.“You can’t laugh at my bra choice okay, had I known I would be taking my clothes off, I would’ve avoided you.”
“Yeah but you didn’t and we’re best friends now. So, don’t be mean.” he says, sliding down the door to sit on the ground.
Turning away to rip off your jumper, you take your time with the buttons on your blouse. You weren’t wasted but you felt drunk enough to need the wall for support.
“Hurry up! We haven’t finished the game. I don’t like losing.” he moans, leaning his head against the wall again and closing his eyes.
Turning back around, you stumble to grab the bottle of vodka at your feet, but stop when you realise its empty. “Fucking hell Taehyung, can’t a girl be shy?” you sob, slowly sliding the blouse off.
“You aren’t a ..girl ..you are …um” he stammers, eyes glued to your chest. “Those are nice.”
Feeling defensive, you cover your chest with your arms. “I don’t remember allowing commentary on my body. You’re too sober, drink.”
Taehyung smiles a cheeky grin. “I wanted to be a bit sober to remember.”
Running your hands across your stomach, you walk towards him. “You might as well since you are never going to see my body again.”
Leaning down to grab the bottle of alcohol sitting beside him, Taehyung pulls you down to his lap.
“Here.” he says, passing you the bottle. Taehyung watches you closely wrap your lips around the top of the bottle and pour the contents down your throat. He found it strangely erotic watching you drink, especially with how close you were and how nice your boobs looked at his angle.
Pulling the bottle away from your mouth, you bring it to his mouth. “No stopping until they are empty remember! Drink.”
Holding the bottle to his mouth, he stares at you through slitted eyes and you innocently touch his biceps. “I didn’t think you’d be so muscular,” you admit sheepishly, trying to keep your eyes open. “I like your arms.”
He hiccups putting the bottle back down beside him, staring at you in confusion. “My arms?” you nod. “Your arms.”
Taehyung smiles down at you and wraps his arms around your waist, pulling you closer to his chest. “I like you when you’re drunk, you talk to me, you look at me, you touch me. Lets be drunk forever Y/N.” he sings, swaying you.
“Hey, stop swaying me. I’m not a baby.” you frown, poking your finger into his cheek.
Taehyung grabs your finger, his brows furrowed and eyes dark. “Can’t you be this affectionate when you’re sober?”
There was a sudden seriousness to his voice that made your heart shake as he wraps his hand around your finger, sending barbs of warmth down to your toes.
“With you?” you ask, looking into his eyes. You swear his eyes were black and bold before but now, the longer you looked, the more you saw melted caramel behind the alcohol shine. You’ve known him for years but right then and there, it felt like the first time you had ever actually looked at him.
“With me.” he says, rubbing circles into your lower back. “Just me.”
Bringing your hand up to cup his cheek, he closes his eyes and leans into your palm. The intimacy of the moment was more intoxicating than anything. The harder your heart raced against your ribs, the faster time seemed to slip away from you.
“With just you.” you murmur, running your thumb along the lines of his cupids bow to across his pink cheeks. His jaw slackened as you ran your thumb behind his ear and down his jaw to rest on his chin. His mouth was agape in wonder enjoying the pleasure of your touch and his gaze was pensive as he watched you explore his face.
Running his tongue over his lips, he watches your gaze drop to his mouth in curiosity and you watch as his lips shift to whisper your name.
“Y/N.”
You hum in response as you play with the hair on the back of his head, and slowly bring your slitted eyes to his.
“Y/N. I like you. I’m admitting it because I know you won’t remember. So Y/N, I like you and I have liked you since before I killed your sunflowers.”
Your hand stills in his hair and he goes rigid against you. For a long moment, he looks absolutely terrified of what you’re going to do next. But when you caress his cheeks with your hands, he softens into your embrace again and smiles.
You watch the edges of his mouth rise and your curiosity becomes the better of you. You wanted to know what he tasted like, what he felt like and if his kisses really did pull down stars like all the other girls said they did.
So you looked into his melted caramel eyes one last time before you leant forward and pressed your lips to his.
“Shit.” you scream, thrashing against the bedsheets. “Fuck Fuck Fuck. What have I done.”
Taehyung stops singing and almost immediately runs to your room. “Y/N, I heard you scream. Are you okay? Are you hurt?”
Looking up to meet his frazzled expression, your eyes fall to his lips and your heart begins to soar through your chest. The memory flickers through your brain like a movie, in complete disbelief that you remembered when you usually didn’t, in disbelief of his confession, in disbelief it actually happened and even more in disbelief that you wanted to do it again. Throwing your face back into the pillow, you sob into your pillows.
You kissed Kim Taehyung and you liked it.
If someone asked you to write a list of things you’re good at, you’d probably write, “I am a really good drinker.” and nothing else because you don’t remember anything in the morning enough to criticise yourself. You’re the worlds best drinker in your own right. If theres one thing you do know about drinking however, it’s that you should stop. Drinking makes you aware of how affectionately deprived you are and it bestows the confidence to be intimate with others. The strangest part about this entire thing? Wine usually makes you black out. Beer makes you regret and vodka usually takes away your night for the rest of your life. Maybe it was fate or the perils of mixing your drinks because somehow you remembered this one, or well enough to know that you and Taehyung could never just be friends anymore.
“Are you alright?” he repeats, pulling you out of your dazed expression. You were okay before but now? Now you were mad. Standing up, you shakily slap him across his cheek. The loud stinging noise cuts through the eerie silence of your new residence and the red outline of your palm makes a home on his soft olive skin. “Get. Out,” you shout, shaking with the adrenaline coursing through your veins. “Right now.” He stares back in equal amounts of shock and equal amounts of confusion. “Wh-what was that for?” he stutters, cupping his cheek. Raising your eyebrows you yell, “What was that for?!” Pacing the room, you cover your face with your hands. You were beyond embarrassed and you were beyond upset that the context of his confession last night meant that it had happened before. You were angry. You were so angry that your first kiss had been while you were drunk and while you were with him. The little shread of intimacy that you don’t normally grace, had been with him. Turning to him again, you push against his chest, pushing him towards the door. You needed to be alone, you needed to cry, you needed to do something that wasn’t around him. But as you push against him, he stands his ground and grabs your hands. Holding them above your head tightly with one hand, pulling you close to his face with the other. The red tips of his hair are touching your brows as you stand frozen, almost nose to nose, stunned by his sudden forcefulness. To be fair Y/N you did just slap him. Searching his eyes as he was with yours, you silently beg that they weren’t memories and that they were just figments of your imagination, but the longer you stare back, the quicker your anger erodes down to confusion. Your words of discomfort were lodged in your throat and you were suddenly overcome with the desire to lean forward and see for yourself if they were memories or not. “Y/N,” he says, interrupting your train of thought, his tone of voice low and heavy. “Do you remember… do you remember anything from last night?” He stares at you with bold coffee coloured eyes as you flicker your gaze down to his lips and then back to his eyes. The tension was so palpable, so dense, that the idea of staying so close to him when he was expecting an answer you didn’t want to provide, especially after hitting him, suddenly felt like a noose as you struggled to breathe. You brush your nose against his when you pull away. Your hearts racing and your palms are sweating and you’re absolutely sure your blushing to the tips of your ears when you gape back at him. “Y/N,” He stands abruptly, grabbing your wrist again. “Do you remember us, yes or no?” “Us?” you ask, swallowing buckets of guilt as you gape at the violet artwork on his neck. I didn’t do that did I? “These aren’t from you,” he says, following your gaze. “It was a hard night.” Not wanting to ask why, you ask instead. “Do you remember anything from last night?” He avoids your eye contact at this question before shaking his head. Are we both playing coy? “I remember everything,” he glowers suddenly, leaning against the door. “The question I want to know, is how much you remember.” He was definitely not playing coy. “Y/N!” Mia yells from down the hallway. “Come to my room, I have some of your boxes!” You’ve never been more thankful for Mia than in this very moment. Grimacing at Taehyung, you skip passed him but not without being grabbed by him again. “This conversation isn’t over.” Shaking his arm off you smile, “I don’t remember anything from last night but you giving me vodka. The headache I’m nurturing is the product of thinking it was a good idea to drink with you.” You watch his eyebrows burrow at your obvious lie. “I think you’re lying.” he says, crossing his arms over his chest. “Why would I need to do that?”, you say confidently. You weren’t sure where all this confidence to speak up was coming from and its clear from his reaction that he wasn’t sure either. Taehyung stands up straighter, removing his arms from his chest. Rubbing his neck he stutters, “W-Well o-okay the-then.” Turning from his suddenly embarrassed expression, you yell to Mia. “I’m having a shower first Mia!” shooting him one last glance, you hurriedly walk into the bathroom and slam the door behind you. Ripping off your clothes, you turn the shower on and jump underneath the stream of hot water. You suddenly felt prudent, afraid that the naivety of your nature was a trap for deceit, especially given Taehyung’s seemingly hidden manipulative side. So as you pour soap into the palm you slapped him with, you decide to erase the memory of last night and scrub away the reminder of your sinful behavior. If only water could carve away the thoughts that torment our minds.
2 Months Later
“Y/N, get in this shower right now and pull your hair out of this goddamn drain.” Taehyung growls, his loud voice echoing against the bathroom tiles. “The water isn’t going down because of you!” It had been officially two months since you started living with Taehyung and things were going well. Ignoring his obsession with wanting you to see him naked, he was a harmless kitten with now freshly dyed brown hair. “Taehyung!” you yell back. “Gross. I’m not falling for that.” He doesn’t reply but you can hear his giggles muffled by what you think might be his hands. He has too much fun trying than succeeding. Living with him didn’t turn out to be such a bad idea. He respected your privacy enough to knock before barreling into your bedroom and although you were grumpy most of the time, it didn’t incite arguments with the surprisingly bubbly and protective man child. He was immature, childish, playful and emotional, and he really loved to cuddle. It was nice not feeling alone.
Since your bedrooms were separated by a thin wall, after a while, Taehyung began to knock on the wall before running to your room with his pillow. The first time he did, you were so frightened that you nearly punched him in the throat. The second time he did, you were too tired to say no and had consequently woken up with his hair in your mouth and his hands on places they shouldn’t. And by the third time, you were already in love with his scent and the way he rubbed your back to sleep. It was something your mother used to do and he was welcome in your room so long as he did. Setting up a wall knocking system, one knock meant hello, are you awake and three knocks were a warning, im coming over. Despite this, living with him had become a well nurtured secret. He would warn you when his friends would come over and you would stay at the library until they left. Since he was a well known colleague of yours and a student lusted over by many, he was afraid of unneeded conflict, he was afraid of what they might think. You avoided each other at uni but still indulged in note passing and secret winks. The thought never crossed his mind that you actually owned a phone, he enjoyed the excitement of a secret too much. So beside the handful of Mia’s friends and a couple of his, you became a secret.
“Alright class. I want you to open your minds, I don’t want some cheap 1-minute noodle kind of essays. I want authentic, different, tasteful ramyeon. Which is exactly why this essay is now a group report.” Mr. Jones yells enthusiastically, eliciting collective groans from his audience. Waiting for the chatter and rage to simmer down, he paces behind the podium with his thumb and his index finger vice pinching his chin. His other hand furiously rubbed the purple and orange hideously checkered fabric on his stomach. You had noticed a little quirk about him, he would rub his stomach when he was bursting at the seems to yell something extraordinary or socially devastating. And from the pensive but sadistic expression he wore behind his glasses, it was the latter. “You’ll be in random groups of fours, your names are down here and yes, before you ask, I am Satan. Beside your name, feel free to sign your soul away so I know you attended the class. Oh and don’t have too much fun sharing your workload with your fellow inferno buddies. On that note, you are all free to roam your real hell. Class dismissed.” Sinking back down into your seat, you gather up your materials. You hadn’t been paying attention that entire lecture or for that fact, any of them. You were so tired all the time that you kind of just dozed off in his classes. He was too intelligent for you to keep up and you weren’t even sure what the class was on anymore.
Walking down the stairs, you hurriedly skim the papers content for your name and fell upon your group.
Claudia Smith Y/N Y/L/N Gabby Young Park Jimin
“There goes any prospect of a good grade,” you groan, smacking your forehead. Of all the people to get, you got your slacker friends. “Definitely not going to get any work done with this lot.” Taking a picture of the piece of paper, you send it to their Facebook accounts and in the process make a group chat.
You Screw our lives, we got put into a group report together for Mr. Jones’ class.
Jimin Oh thank god, someone smart
Gabby You don’t sound excited Y/N? That’s great news! :)
Claudia Its bcos she’s single Gabs, single people dnt get excited over anything.
You Dump your boyfriend and date me then
Claudia Ur funny. I’ve got class now, so we could meet up tomorrow morning? Get a head start?
Jimin I’ll date you Y/N ;) My class is next door to yours, wait up and I’ll walk you to your next class bae
You I’ll punch you in the throat Jimin.
Jimin Sounds like a date to me baby ;) see you guys tomorrow!
Gabby Ew guys seriously ugh. Tomorrow sounds good :)
You Don’t call me baby. Library, 9am. See you then team.
“Y/N,” Jimin yells as you leave the room, his cheerful voice bouncing off every surface of the hallway. “Wait up.” “I’m coming!” he yelps as you slowly start walking away, his black hair bobbing in the wind as his little legs ran towards you. Jimin had a fascination with leather pants and showing off his toned thighs, he –much like Taehyung, loved the attention. And you, much like every other girl, loved giving it to him. Who wouldn’t. Stopping beside you he hooks his arm around yours. The action was completely normal for Jimin, he was loud and proud about his affection for you, no matter how uncomfortable it made you feel. “Y/N, you’ve got comp class right now in the Murphy block right?” he grins, pushing you towards that general direction. “Lets go then, don’t want my girlfriend being late to class.” “I’m not going to ask how you know that Jimin but oh my god, don’t say that out loud because if people hear you, I will kill you.” You whisper, looking around before slapping his forearm. You had become friends with Jimin in your freshmen year. He had dropped his wallet and like the good natured person you were, you searched for him all over campus just to give it back. He admired your effort and had decided to reward you with his friendship, despite chagrin from others. Being close to guys that looked like Jimin meant the constant need to tell people you were just friends. It didn’t help that Jimin enjoyed being physically affectionate with you or that he was currently dragging you to class with a cheshire grin. The jealous stares, the malicious whispers, it didn’t cross his mind how it might affect you, he was just too happy being himself. Stopping outside the threshold of two hours of boredom with Taehyung, Jimin kisses you on the cheek and shoves your shoulders in the open classroom. You turn to wave goodbye but notice a familiar mischievous gleam in his chocolate eyes. Don’t do it Jimin, don’t you dare do it. Don’t you dare yell anything. You pray, as you turn and rush down the aisles to your seat. “Have a good day baby! Learn lots!” he shouts embarrassingly over the chatter of the classroom. I’m going to kill him. You stop rigid in the middle of the class with a frown before covering your face with your bag. You don’t need to look to know, you can feel their curious eyes burning holes into your body as the room erupts with laughter. Waiting for the class to die down, you sit up straight in your seat and set out your materials. You avoid looking anywhere but straight ahead when you can feel Taehyung’s piercing stare as he nudges you with his elbow. He sits there in silence before slipping a note onto your half of the desk, weary of prying eyes. “Are you and Jimin a thing?” You frown at the note and write back, “Whats it to you?” Slipping it on to his desk, you hear the sharp intake of breath before he rushingly scribbles. “What’s it to me? I’m closer to you than him! Are you trying to make me jealous?” You smile before replying, “Why would I need to go and do that?” You don’t reply to the other notes he leaves to instead focus on the lesson and after a couple angry huffs on his end, he gets the hint. You probably should tell him that you aren’t but the idea made you excited, you just loved enticing chaos. Why did it matter to him anyway, you’re a free bird! When class ends your about to ask him if he’s going straight home, but as soon as the class ends he shoots out of his seat and storms out. You don’t miss the angry look on his face as he sinks his head into his grey turtleneck sweater. You don’t miss how tightly he’s gripping his black leather bag over his shoulder and you don’t miss the way he doesn’t look back. Taehyung doesn’t come home that night but you hear him sneak in at half past 1. You hear him pant as he slips under his covers. You hear him turn over and over and over. You hear him thrash against his sheets, until you hear him perplex, “I don’t know what to do anymore.” You can almost see him burrowing his brows, rubbing his eyes and licking his lips Turning to face the wall, you hesitantly knock. If he doesn’t reply to you he hates you and you’ve screwed up, but if he does, he doesn’t hate you and you’re happy. He stops groaning and you can hear him shift closer to the wall. He knocks back after a couple minutes of silence and your heart fills with relief. Knocking back twice, you hear him muffle his giggles before he responds with three knocks. Short lived anger, okay. You laugh before knocking back but he doesn’t respond. The shifting of his sheets and the movement of his bed against the wall sound like he’s getting up, but after a couple minutes of nothing, you decide he’s probably just gone back to sleep instead. Rolling back on your side, you hear another knock, but on your door this time as Taehyung opens it and peeps his head through the crack. “Are you sleeping?” he whispers, leaning his head onto the door frame. “I can’t sleep.” Closing your eyes, you shift closer to the wall and lift up your blankets prodding him to join you and he smiles joyfully before shutting the door, rushing over and slipping under the covers. “If I was with Jimin, I wouldn’t let you do this.” You whisper as he wraps his arms around your waist. You feel the budding protest build in your throat as he pulls you close, but you swallow it down when he nudges himself comfortably against your chest. “You can’t just run away from me when you’re angry. I swear to anyone in the clouds Tae that when I do decide to date someone, you’d probably be the first to know.” Taking a deep breath, he rubs your back the way he knows you like. “Yeah, I know.” Sinking into his arms after a while, he shifts his head up to the crook of your neck. You were grateful, his hot laboured breaths were quickly defrosting your body. It had been one of the coldest months on record and you welcomed any warmth with open arms. You couldn’t sleep. It had been more than an hour since he came in and your brain just couldn’t relax. Your entire body was on edge, you were too excited and he was way too comfortable. Turning on your back, you subtly shift his body to the side of you, his head laying on your chest, his arms splattered on your abdomen. Selfishly hugging the warmth closer, you wrap your arms around his waist and watch the branches from the tree outside cast shadows on your beige curtains. The moonlight peeped through the cracks of the frost covered window, and you watch it stream light into your room. Following the streaks up to his face, you admire how it accentuates his jaw and the prettiness of his lips. The fluttering of his eyelashes grasp your attention and your eyes widen in surprise. He was still awake. “Why are you awake?” you ask softly, running your hand through his hair. He doesn’t say anything or nudge closer like he usually does. He looks up to you instead and after a minute of exchanging weird looks, he shifts his body over yours to slowly kiss your cheek. His lips are hot and your cheeks are now undoubtedly hotter at the spontaneous intimacy. Laying his head next to yours, he whispers huskily into the shell of your ear before kissing it. “I don’t like it when Jimin kisses you.” You fight back the shudders creeping down your spine and the sudden calm air dissipates as your heart fights to stay neutral. You swear either the blood in your body has suddenly drained or Taehyung has rewired it and everything is flowing backwards. “Is that it?” you ask, avoiding his probing eyes. “You stayed up for that?”
Taehyung hovers over you again, trapping your head between his hands. The sexual tension sat uncomfortably in front of you, so tangible that you wanted to lean up and either kick it away or grab it. His hair tickled your forehead as he stared doe eyed and serious. “Yes.” he admits, “Jimin is my friend. You can’t date any of my friends.”
You laugh, “You’re friends with everyone Tae, thats hardly fair.” The butterflies in your lower stomach were stabbing holes as you watch his serious expression drip into his signature smile. Resting his head back down beside you, he smirks, “Exactly.” before falling happily back to sleep. The things he does to you. Taehyung was a mastermind at making your heart confused and as you hold him close, you wonder if maybe he was doing it on purpose because you were slowly and painfully doing what you thought you would never; you were falling for him. “Shit.”
They say that sometimes the eye of a hurricane is the safest place you can be. And as you watch time, opportunities, dreams and love zip all around you, you can’t help but feel a truth in the saying. And it scares you the most that a single movement could pull you out of comfort and rip you apart.
“What you thinking about?” you ask, nudging Taehyungs ribs. “Must be something serious from the look on your face.”
Taehyung groans loudly before throwing his head back against the couch pillows. “Nothing.” Crossing his arms over his chest, he stares up at the ceiling in complete concentration. Before heaving a sigh and whispering, “I don’t know what to do.”
You had been having these moments with him lately of complete utter silence. No words, no movement, just two people sitting side by side, thinking. The silence wasn’t always comfortable, sometimes it would feel eerie of emotion as if you could feel his feelings swirling in the air around you. He was so transparent to you now, that it almost felt strange to ask what was up, you could feel the tension hitting its peak and you knew he was going to confess.
“Well, just follow your heart then Taehyung.” you say, watching his tongue swipe over his bottom lip.
Taehyung drops any semblance of happiness before turning to face you. “And what if my heart is telling me to kiss you right now?”
The words fall out of his mouth so recklessly and so unsurprisingly that you don’t blink when you stare back. You almost looked unimpressed, but the feeling seemed so indubitably mutual that you felt as though the moment he presses his lips onto yours, the tension that seemed to accumulate in the house and in your bones would immediately dissipate.
“So what if I let you?” you whisper.
But there is something so unreal about being comfortable and okay with watching but never really having. With seeing these opportunities and never really having the motivation to seek them out because you’re happy and because the happiness you feel right now is good enough. Maybe you were better off in the middle of a hurricane, maybe you just weren’t equipped to take risks, or maybe …you just didn’t have enough of a reason to consider leaving the safety of your comfort in search for a greater purpose -in search of a greater happiness.
“I-I like you,” he stammers, shyly staring at the ground as he scrapes his shoes against the pavement in a nervous feat to avoid your gaze. “I beat up Jimin because he knows that I like you and I swear Y/N, he gets off to my jealousy.”
The sun peeks through the clouds as you laugh and your cheeks redden at the combination of Taehyung’s stare and the heat of summer. You hated summer. You hated it with a passion. Why Taehyung dragged you out of the house to take a walk didn’t make sense to you until this very moment. You laugh. “Y/N. I like you. I’m admitting it because I know you won’t remember. So Y/N, I like you and I have liked you since before I killed your sunflowers,” you mock, watching his face pale in cold hard realisation before you erupt in laughter. “I know you do. You should see your face Tae.”
He grabs your elbow, his eyes serious and expecting, “Wait, so does that mean you like me back?”
It wasn’t strange to think and feel this way, but it was strange that you never actively threw yourself into the flames, into the whirlwind or into the waves of the “what if”. But, you are now, and these thoughts, the scattering of little myriad dreams throughout the fields that floated in your skull and coursed through your veins. Made you aware that maybe you aren’t as happy as you think you are. That you aren’t as okay as you think you might be with staying stagnant and watching “what ifs” fly by. You were becoming ambitious again and greedy for more, you had a sunflower heart, earnest and searching for something more.
“Taehyung!” you yell, banging on the wall. “I’m trying to study. Turn it down or I’m coming over.”
“What was that Y/N?” he yells back before turning the sound up.
Taking off your reading glasses, you pinch the bridge of your nose in frustration before slamming down your pen and running out of your room to his. He was doing everything possible to annoy you for attention and this was the limit, you were done and you were going to beat him up. Reaching for the door handle, Taehyung rips it open on the other side instead and you fall into his arms. Not as gracefully as one would imagine as you slowly start to slip down his chest.
Everything happens too quickly for you to say anything because as soon as you’re on your knees in front of him groaning at the loud music, he has turned the music off, shut the door and turned off the lights. Picking you up, he throws you onto his bed and covers your body with the blankets before planting himself chest-to-chest.
“What the fuck Taehyung? I’m studying,” you yell, hitting his chest and untangling yourself from the sheets. “Seriously?”
“You don’t need to study, you’ve got this. You’re a smart girl.” he laughs, snuggling closer to kitten kiss your nose. “I’m giving you 5 seconds to back up your truck and let me out of here.” You say, gritting your teeth in anger. He nudges himself against you humming in content and when you get up to move, he lifts his leg over you, caging you against his body. To say you aren’t just pissed off would be an understatement, you’re fuming. “Stay with me tonight?” he says, “Just stay here, no more study. You need sleep.” You stare at him in bitter silence as he flutters his eyes closed in triumph. Lifting a foot over his, you hook it around his hips until you push yourself up to straddle his waist. Taehyung tugs his bottom lip between his teeth and his hands rest on the exposed skin of your waist as he watches you with lust-filled pupils through toenail clipping eyelids. You wonder where he thinks this is going.
“Study is my number one priority Taehyung,” you confidently remark. “I don’t have time to screw around.”
“Screw around?” he laughs before suddenly bucking his hips underneath you and you are unable to stop yourself when the half “oomph” and the half moan rips through your lips when you feel more man underneath you than you want to.
He’s smirking knowingly when he bucks his hips again, making you fall flat against his chest. “What do you think you’re doing? I have an exam tomorrow morning.”
He smiles at you as you push yourself back up. “I’m helping you relax.” His grip on your waist was tight but not tight enough; you were a professional at running away.
Your eyebrows cress with the playful challenge as you roll your hips not once but twice, against his.
His eyes widen in surprise and cheeks flush, he wasn’t expecting you to actually play along, and his hands loosen their hold enough for you to push yourself off the bed and rush out of his room.
He surprisingly doesn’t bother you for the rest of the night, but you hear his moans bounce off the bathroom tiles as he showers away his problems, or problem.
And all you can do is laugh and thank the heavens that Taehyung didn’t ruin this final exam for you given his history with ruining final assessments.
You were standing on the state lines of an opportunity and a potentially great love story. You were standing in between him and the idea of chasing a dream. You couldn’t have both. You were standing before a crossroad, stuck between your heart and your future. And theres no where in your near future that would allow you to have both.
“Taehyung,” you pout, taking your shoes off and putting your slippers on. He had invited a couple friends over to watch a movie and from the looks on their faces, no, Taehyung hadn’t told them you lived together.
“Y/N,” Jimin gasps, dropping the bowl of popcorn. “What are you doing here? I thought you were at the library?”
You put your hands on your hips as you watch Taehyung scurry to avoid your eye contact. He still hadn’t told them that you lived together and your patience was wearing thin, you didn’t have a reason to stay so late at the library and Taehyung was making it difficult to lie. Rolling your eyes, you decide its time to tell, why get others to do things when you can get off your ass and do it yourself.
“We live to-
“Taehyung, why do you have so many girlie perfumes in your bathroom?” Ellie yells, interrupting you from the bathroom before walking passed you and slamming her body into the seat beside Taehyung’s. Whether she saw you or not is a mystery, but as you tell them that Taehyung invited you over and they believed you, you don’t miss the way she looks at you: p ointed and accusing.
Sitting on the other end of the couch, you take the opportunity when the others lean forward to stare bullets into his side profile. He must feel it because he turns to you, guilt and shame iron pressed to his face as Ellie tries to cuddle into his arm.
Nearing the end of the film, you roll your eyes at her, rest your head against the pillow and pretend to fall asleep.
“What a shit film,” Jimin snorts. “Hey Tae, I’m going to head off. I’ll wake Y/N up and see if she wants a lift.”
“No don’t!” Taehyung yells a little too quickly, ushering a sleepy Ellie off his arm. “She told me earlier that she’s crashing here on the couch. If you wake her up, I’ll have to deal with little miss grumpy for the rest of the night.”
“True, she can get monstrous sometimes.” Jimin laughs in agreeance. “Have fun with that.”
“You have no idea.” Taehyung whispers through gritted teeth. “I will.”
“Tae, can I stay over?” Ellie asks, her tone sultry and suggestive. You really hated this girl and not because you were jealous but because she seemed like a genuinely annoying person. You hoped that Taehyung would say no and kick her out, but you definitely did not expect his response.
“The couch is already taken.” he deadpans and you nearly snort laugh.
“No like,” she says, suddenly lowering her volume. “In your room.”
“That’s a bit selfish of you don’t you think? Then where would I sleep?”
You bite down on your tongue, afraid that the heaving of your chest from bottled laughter would give away the fact that you were very much awake and very much frustrated that she was still here.
“With me.” she laughs and the silence that suddenly fills the room, fills your body with unease.
“Gross, well that’s my queue to leave.” Jimin musters before literally running out the door. “Peace out fam.”
“Ellie, no. What happened between us last year was weird and uncomfortable for me. And plus, if you paid any attention you would’ve noticed that I don’t actually like you and that I like the girl asleep on my couch. If there’s anyone sleeping in my room tonight, it’s her. So if you could leave-
“Taehyung,” she interrupts, shrieking in disbelief. “You like her? over me? What for? I mean look at me and I’m such a nice person, like I’m so sweet and shes-”
“Oh my god, leave already.” you interrupt, not wanting to hear another second of her crow-like whining. Shifting on the couch to sit beside Taehyung, she stares at you bewilderedly like you just stole her favourite toy. “You can leave now, unless you want to stand in the corner with a video camera and watch us-
“Fine!” she yells, “Fine, I’ll go. Fucking hell, if you see me in public Kim Taehyung, don’t even say hi. Just watch the finest ass you’ll ever see walk away.” “Why watch a good ass walk away when I can stare at hers making me a cup of tea, really Ellie just leave please.” She rolls her eyes before stomping away and Taehyung hums contently as you both watch her leave. Turning to face him, he smiles at you before grabbing your cheeks, “Hey you, long time no see.” he whispers, his tone of voice over-dramatically affectionate.
“Hey you …you jerk,” you slap his hand away to grab him but he jumps off the sofa to run away. “When are you going to tell your friends that I live here?”
“When you tell me you like me too, then I will.” he yells, running around the dining room table as you chase him around the house.
No I love you or I like you’s had been exchanged in the year that had become your living situation, in the year that had become the fruitful exploration of your unlabelled relationship with him. As you entered your third year of college, although some part of you loved him and you knew that, the other part of you didn’t want to tell him that. Didn’t want him to know. Didn’t want to ruin it.
“Y/N, I can’t deal anymore. You must be so lonely.” Gabby says, rubbing your hand “comfortingly”.
“Well, I’m not.” you say, frowning into your textbook. “I’m fine, don’t worry about me. I’m happy.”
“Happy enough for this?” she says, pushing her laptop screen to your face. “I know that you wanted to go to Brown, this has your name written all over it girl.”
You sigh. “I’ve already read it but I don’t know.”
“What have you got to lose? You don’t have anything tying you down, it’s not like you have a boyfriend or a job.”
“True, but it’s just that …It means that I’ll have to move over there and then stay there for what, nearly two years to graduate when I could do it here?” you sigh, running your fingers through your hair. You were getting irritated with her prodding and the constant questions and the constant need to reply. “I’m gonna go look for a newer version of this textbook. I’ll be right back.” you say, grabbing the book as you get up to leave.
Dumping the textbook into a nearby trolley, you hide in the back aisles of the library to simply enjoy the quiet solitude of studiers and readers. Silence was golden and therapeutic and all you needed for atleast a minute or two.
Walking around the aisle, you spot the familiar build of your housemate, hunched over a table reading over music scores. He looked frustrated, understandably so, it’s not everyday you’re forced into a kind-of successful campus punk band. You were jealous of him. That he had something he loved more than you and was actually talented enough to be good at it.
Sneaking up behind him, you snake your arms around his waist and sweetly kiss his cheek. He immediately slumps back into you with a single deep breath, his shoulders slumping into you. You always loved him in ripped skinny jeans, but the comfortable shorts and the grey NYU hoodie he adorned today, made you want to cuddle him and hide your face in the fabric.
“You okay?” you ask, rubbing his belly.
Stroking your hand, he closes his eyes. “I will be. Are you okay?” he asks.
Letting him go, you sit in the vacant seat in front of his and he slumps over his work again. “I will be.” you say.
“Hmmm, touchè.” he smiles before returning his gaze to his papers, his pensive concentration face re-appearing across his gentle features.
“Touche” you whisper, watching the boy you had hardly seen these past couple of weeks hunched over work in earnest. It was nice to see him so passionate about his work and you’re not going to lie and say that it didn’t ignite a desire to be the same; because it did. He totally did.
You had a decision to make and whichever one you chose, love and lust or adventure and life, you knew you would regret it anyway. You would be stuck thinking of what could’ve been or maybe, what should’ve been. You couldn’t have both.
If you didn’t chose life, you knew that your heart would have trouble letting go of the idea. The pain would become so indescribably difficult to handle that it would physically break you and you would break him. But, if you chose him, the captor of your thoughts, the man with the smile that lit a thousand lightbulbs but one, you wouldn’t be as happy and you knew that.
The answer was plainly obvious. It stood in front of you with a cheshire grin and a baritone laugh, but those didn’t belong to Taehyung. Your housemate and platonic bed sharer with a happy morning grin, and an obsession with cuddling and kitten kisses.
No, it wasn’t Taehyung.
Mr Jones yells loudly before slapping a pile of information folders on the table in front of the class. “Alright class, before I excuse you all. I need to mention that we still have spots for the exchange to Brown, in fact all of the seats. It’s the first time a community college has ever partnered up with an elite, so if you all are excited by the prospect of employment in this scarce and scary world, do yourself a favour and sign up before it’s too late. Class dismissed.”
Again, you sit back and watch the class filter out. The neglected folders sat gracefully taunting you, as their tantalising words of hope and adventure called out to you.
This was it.
And fuck it, you were going to do it.
Running your hands down your thighs, you watch Mr. Jones talk to a couple of students inquiring about exam results before slowly walking down the steps towards him. He notices your hesitance to approach and laughs at your shyness as the other students walk away.
“Our resident sleeper Y/N.” he snorts, crossing his arms over his chest. “What do I owe the pleasure?”
You frown at the nickname because you’ve never fallen asleep in his classes, before shaking your head and pushing the insult over your shoulder. You didn’t sleep in his classes, you didn’t even blink in fear of being a target for his relentless questioning, but considering you day dreamed in most of his lectures, you might as well have been.
“Sir, I-I want to-
“You want to sign up for the exchange?” he interrupts. Truth be told, he made you nervous. He was intimidating and his eccentric clothing made you uncomfortable. His satire humour colour co-ordinated with the devil music notes on his tie and the red t-shirt you were pretty sure was on backwards.
“Do I have an actual contender for this project!?” he yells excitedly before rushing over to the folders. Placing a folder into your open arms, he says. “Look, all you need to do is read this folder and if you decide it’s for you. Come back and sign it.”
Looking at the folder, you take a deep breath. You’ve thought about it enough and Fuck it. “Can I sign it now?”
“You want to actually do it?” he gasps, clapping his hands together. “Oh my Aunty Barbara, the dean is not going to believe this one. If you are serious about this Y/N, you can come with me now to her office and we can discuss your options. Since you’re unfortunately the only contender for this project, heaven forbid me for actually asking why my students don’t want employment, we could potentially solidify a scholarship for you.”
Without a single protest, you smile and nod your head in a frantic attempt to communicate your agreeance. He smiles down at you and prods you to follow. “That’s the spirit. Always knew you were a fighter. You’ve made a courageous decision, I commend that.”
You follow him through the busy hallways, hugging the folder close to your chest. Students bow politely to him as they pass, and you smile when you see Taehyung and his group of friends. Taehyung winks at you as he leans against the wall to check you out and you grin back, scuttling behind Mr. Jones.
Mr. Jones opens the deans door and ushers you in, and as you turn nervously to watch him close the door behind you, you start to slowly feel it rise over the rocky terrains in your mind and light all of your lightbulbs.
A passion,
and although the middle of a hurricane can be the safest place to be, you were happy that you were no longer watching things fly by, and amazed how confident you were grabbing the opportunity by its cuff and information folder before it does.
“How was class today? I saw you walking hand-in-hand with Mr. Jones today. You get in trouble or something?” Taehyung whispers against your shoulder.
You were watching a movie, blankets and pillows, chocolate and popcorn. Taehyung was beside you, content and happy with his fair share of the blanket and Mia was sitting on the floor painting her nails. She called it family night, you called it a nuisance.
“No. No I wasn’t in trouble. I just had to talk to him about something,” you say, slapping his thigh. “I’m too boring to get into trouble.”
“You can say that again,” Mia laughs, throwing a piece of popcorn in your hair. You turn to her and frown before watching the creases in her face even out. Placing the nail polish on the coffee table, she pauses the movie and faces you, eager but nervous.
“I have something to tell you guys. I’m moving in with Jin. We’ve decided to settle down.”
“What?” you yell. “What the f-
“Woohooo,” Taehyung giggles, lifting his head off your shoulder. “We can be alone now Y/N. You know what that means? No pants all day, everyday.”
“What about me?” you ask, ignoring Taehyung and frowning at her indecency to tell you sooner. She smiles at you before grabbing your hand, “You’ll be fine. You and me forever baby, just not under the same roof-
“Well that’s just perfect because I also have something to say.” you interrupt, wanted to one up her, suddenly bursting at the seems to tell them both that you were leaving.
“What is it?” Taehyung says, hooking his arm around yours. “Mmm?”
“I’m going to Brown,” you confess,“I got into the exchange programme there and I’m going this summer.”
You feel Taehyung stiffen against you before he pulls you to face him, “What?” he asks, his voice uncharacteristically quiet and gentle.
“I’m going to Brown. I’m leaving Taehyung.” you say.
“Well that’s okay, you’ll be coming back when the semester finishes. Gosh, you nearly scared me there, I thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant. My testical nearly fell off.” he sighs in relief, relaxing back against you.
You take a deep breath because you know what you’re about to say will hurt him, you know it will break at least one of you and you know that as soon as you say it, everything changes from here on out, and you do it anyway.
“It won’t be months Tae. It will be years.”
And there was nothing he could say to make you stay, he wanted the best for you and the thought made him sad but the best wasn’t him, the best was a state away.
He slowly unhooks his arm from yours and leans back against the couch. Mia sits by your legs tapping your knee, seemingly perplexed but not enough to say anything. She knew that nothing she could say would ever make you change your mind.
And as the room drowns in an uncomfortable silence, the red wires in your heart become untangled and focused on the direction you were heading, but they just weren’t towards him and that was okay.
{Shamelessly} Taehyung’s Point of View Conclusion
Pacing back in forth in the empty lecture theatre, I bite my bottom lip. Namjoon and I didn’t tell anyone what we were doing or where we were, in fear that we might just not be as good as we think we are. That we might not get in. After seeing you off, suitcase and all, and accepting that you were gone, my game plan was set in motion; we were going to get signed.
It hasn’t been the first time an entertainment company has decided to roll into my college looking for trainees, but it’s been the only one interesting enough to audition for, and for the first time in along time, I felt nervous for my future.
I worked hard for this though, endless nights leaked into annoying mornings at the library writing and memorizing music. I deserve this.
“The audition results should be up by now right? Where the fuck is Namjoon?”
Sitting in a seat, I sprawl my arm across the desk and look towards the sunlight peaking through the dark clouds. Snow had collected on the windows and the turbulent weather was beginning to drown the aisles of desks in an eerie darkness.
The room was frosty cold, but the giant beige lapel coat around me and the black scarf that smelt like her, kept my body warm.
I wonder if she’s warm.
I think about her too much to consider it normal. She was always there, her little smiles and her big frowns, the way she curled herself against my chest and the way she runs her fingers through my hair when she thinks I’m asleep.
But she’s gone now and I need to stop torturing myself.
She was who I imagined singing to in that audition room. The intimidating group of judges sitting in the audience were replaced by her radiant supportive smile as I sang my feelings out.
She made my home something I wanted to come back to.
And I didn’t want to go home anymore.
“Taehyung!” Namjoon yells, barreling through the doors. He didn’t need to say it, his smile said it all. “WE MADE IT!” he screams, pulling you into a hug. “We both made it!”
“I need to call my mum, she’s going to freak out!” he laughs, pulling away. “Who you going to call first?” he asks as he scrolls through his phone.
Pulling out my phone, I scroll through my list of contacts to find yours, but my finger hovers over the call button as I stare at your contact ID a second too long and I don’t.
I had forgotten to change your contact picture and it was a picture of you curled up in blankets sitting by the fireplace reading a book. If you knew I took that picture, you’d probably kill me. It was the little things like this that I loved so much. I wanted to keep these moments to myself because the thought of Jimin or anyone else ever seeing the side of you that I admired so much, made me jealous and made me feel so possessive that I didn’t tell anyone about you or that I nearly didn’t attend this audition with Namjoon because I knew that it meant I would have to leave you one day.
But you left me first and that’s okay.
I liked a girl who was always looking in the other direction, like a sunflower chasing the sun. I tried to believe that she wasn’t looking at me because she was out of my league, I tried I did, but my heart knew that it wasn’t because I’m not the light she wants, it’s because I’m not the light she needs.
And more importantly, I suppose it’s because we just weren’t meant to be together, maybe in the future sure, but now? no. The timing was horrible, so unequivocally horrible, but I hold hope that one day if we meet as different people I will have the courage to tell her how I really feel and then maybe,
just maybe, I’ll be the sun that she wants and I will be the sun that she needs.
Epilogue
“Y/N, it was lovely catching up with you again. You’ve blossomed into such a lovely woman!” Jimin says, loosening his suit tie. Jimin was a corporate soldier of an entertainment company now and had spent the afternoon filling you in on the happenings around town since you moved away. You admittedly struggled to keep his close friendship, but his friendship you kept nonetheless. You were back for good and Jimin was happy to welcome you back so long as you paid for lunch. “Oh yeah, have you seen Taehyung lately? I heard he’s back around too.”
You smile.
“Not yet.” you say, lifting your wrist to check the time. “Soon though.”
“You know, we all knew you two were a thing in college. Just didn’t think it would’ve ended up the way that it did but I’m proud you two followed your dreams. I can’t wait to meet your boyfriend though, he sounds like a catch.”
You laugh.
“Thanks Jimin, it means a lot to hear that from you.” you say, watching him walk backwards towards his car. “My boyfriend isn’t that much of a catch, he’s very annoying and not as cool as you.”
“You’re probably right! Hey we need to get together for like a college reunion or something. Minus Mia and Jin of course, I can’t get over how fat your sister is. How do twins…” he gestures towards your stomach. “Fit in there?”
“How does a brain…” Pointing up to his head you joke. “Fit in there?”
He laughs loudly before smacking your hand away. “It’s been five years and you’re still so cold to me. Aish, somethings never change.”
“Maybe you’re right but my heart has definitely turned over, I’m just really glad I left, but I’m back now so expect my relentless insults. It’s the only way I can communicate my love for you in a way that won’t upset my boyfriend.”
“That’s fine with me Y/N. I’ll text you later.” he says, smiling his million dollar smile.
“You’re always welcome in my home Jimin, so if you ever need a place to crash, you know my number.” is all you say before he waves goodbye excitingly with his briefcase and getting into his company car and driving away. You watch the red lights of his car fade into the distance.
Everything felt right.
Every light bulb was on.
Everything was where it was supposed to be.
Punching in your apartment code, you take off your heels and put on your slippers. “Hmmm, what’s the amazing smell hun?” you ask, putting your handbag on the vanity by the door.
He runs around the kitchen island with a cheshire grin and a baritone laugh. The sweet sound of happiness and coming home to it made your heart sing, made your heart race and made your heart ..flip because that’s not a nice smell to come home to no matter how hard he tried to woo you.
“I burnt the potatoes, but I ordered pizza, extra pineapple on yours too, so we should be fine for dinner.” he smiles, wrapping his arms around your waist to welcome you home.
“Oh thank god.” You smile, wrapping your arms around his neck. Leaning on your tippy toes, you give him a quick kiss on the lips before muttering, “But did you turn the potatoes off?”
He looks down at you with a vacant expression and you look up at him expectantly. Surely he remembered to turn them off, surely. The smoke alarms go off before he gets to explain that no, he completely forgot and just ordered pizza instead.
You laugh again before swatting him away to turn the smoke alarm and stove top off. Opening the lounge windows to let smoke out, you admire the sun as it descends behind the hills, nothing was more beautiful.
“Y/N.” he whines standing behind you. “What are you looking at?”
Turning to face him, you lean against the window sill and grin. You lied, nothing was more beautiful than him. “Nothing, just the sunset.”
He stands closer and kisses your forehead before turning you to face the sunset again, “Of course you were, my sunflower girl.”
You loved him. You loved Kim Taehyung.
So the idea of this fic spawned from the idea that sunflowers chase the sun -obviously. I liked the idea that sunflowers grow inside of us, we all have sunflower hearts; ambitious and greedy, and although this was a fluff series, I didn’t want Y/N to end up with Taehyung. Mainly because she worked so hard and ending up settling with second best, I didn’t want that for her, I wanted her to become comfortable with the idea that sometimes you need to feel like shit, sometimes things are supposed to fall through, sometimes we are supposed to love the people we do just to become the people we are destined to be or go. And more importantly, that there is more to life than a relationship. Happiness comes from you first before you can find it in other people, so maybe in another life or in the future, they will find happiness in each other as well.