it’s one of those dim little restaurants tucked away behind a flurry of shops, the kind that you find when you’re not looking for it, the kind that you happen to just stumble upon after a late night stroll around the city. and that's exactly how they stumble upon it, rain catching up to them so late in spring and both dani and haru run in fits of laughter, racing to the entrance with their broken umbrella, soaked from head to toe. she finds herself seated across from him, knees brushing under the table just the slightest, his long sleeve draped over her shivering shoulders. with a beer bottle sweating quietly in hand, she takes another swig and reaches for more tteok, humming in contentment while she wiggles her feet. it's so good.
haru sits across, laughing at something – something stupid about mika and baby (wow, he's around. when did dani last see him? he's always mia) and their never-ending voice notes. she’s halfway to passing him the dish because she really shouldn't consume it all, out of habit more than anything else, when the song starts playing.
that song. her song for him. the one she swore she'd never listen to in public but just had to release it because she wrote it with her entire being. the one she wrote in the middle of a mental breakdown, fingers twitching naturally into her guitar.
dani’s not sure when it started – this thing with haru. maybe it never started, maybe it’s just always been there, lingering in the laughter between their jokes, the way he nudges her shoulder with his when they walk too close, the way her name sounds softer when he says it. they’ve always been haru and dani. just that. friends for as long as she can remember, bonded through music, shared passion and god their history together. they've really been through it all.
everyone around them assumed and she knew, but haru never addressed it. or was he oblivious? at a certain point, she stopped thinking too much on it, until the thoughts of whatever this is stopped. but from time to time, she'd feel it. when mei tilts her head to grin whenever dani includes haru in the order, despite not being there. mika silently giving them just enough space when it's just the three of them, as if to say i'm here but i know you guys need your space too. she remembers the time baby snorted and called them his parents. "just date already," he teased her once, and never again after the look of death that flashed in dani's eyes.
they never did. they probably never will. why wait this long if he ever thought of her that way? she doesn't really know whether that fact makes her feel relieved or disappointed. because it was easy with him, always. he knew her drink orders at the local cafe that nobody frequents, her anxious ticks before going on stage, the way he's able to pick up her mood shifting when she hears something she doesnt like. sometimes she's convinced that he could tell what she'd like in a menu before she could even decide, just like how he guessed what she would order tonight.
it seemed like the obvious choice, being together, but it was also complicated. sometimes he’d disappear and she didn't like that. not physically, not always, but emotionally, quietly. like the night of the wedding. the one he invited her to, where she knew no one but him. and because it's haru who invited her, she had said yes. and then he left her halfway through for someone else, without even a text. he really just vanished into the night and she stood there under fairy lights, clutching a drink she didn’t even like, wondering why the hell she felt so disappointed over someone she was only good friends with.
she doesn’t mean to say it but she does. "it’s my song for you." it slips out as the first chorus plays overhead. she purses her lips and instantly taste the beer and regret. her head is light and suddenly, she's hit with a wave that she didn't see coming. she questions herself. it's not the first time i'm telling him this, right?
as she watches him blink, completely caught off guard, she thinks, shit. i think it is. she feels her stomach twist in that moment, the panic briefly cutting through her alcohol haze. shit. i hope i didn't say that out loud.
"what?"
oh shit. his eyes are probing hers in question and asks her what she means. she bites her lower lip, chews on it nervously and forces a laugh. “i thought i told you,” she mutters, then shrugs nonchalantly. she knows he can read right through her, senses that this is making her uneasy. she knows she can't escape the topic now. “i guess not?”
and god, it’s so like her to carry this secret for years and still convince herself she already said it out loud. could it be that she thought he’d just figure it out? maybe she hoped she’d never have to explain it. has she been that delusional? now that it’s out, she’s not sure how she should fix it or how to tell him that they were fleeting thoughts that she's not really touched on for the past year. or so? but a part of her does want to dig deep. does she want him to say he felt the same, that he was also kind of lost during that time when they weren't in contact?
or would that make everything worse? she sounds codependent for someone who is just a friend.
but the truth is, her friendship with him has always outweighed anything else she felt. she knows she loves haru, he's been with her through thick and thin, her lows and highs. he's family. it's the same way that she loves mika and baby and rei. she knows it’s just familiarity dressed up in longing. and being with haru like this, seated across from him, sharing food, questioning her writing a song like this for him – it feels right. even if it’s never been labeled. even if it never will be. so nothing else mattered... right?
she looks at him now as he falls into silence. he's listening closely to the song. and as she watches his fingers brush the edge of his glass, his lashes low and thoughtful, she thinks: i think at one point i did like him.
then she looks away just as fast.
liquid courage may have pushed her to blurt out that this song was written for him, but it doesn't make her brave enough to say that. so she passes him the tteok dish instead, laughing as the song finishes, and says nothing else about it. instead, she changes the topic and goes, "i have a trip to miami for the f4 race tomorrow evening. you can drop me off the airport, right?"
