well, everypony.
we have arrived at the long-awaited Good Things update. yay!
i think im in a much better place now. yeah. for a while, things were getting better, objectively speaking, but it caused some cognitive dissonance for a while. i was disillusioned. things were going so well in my relationships- people were matching energy, checking in on me- that i was becoming increasingly aware of how unhappy i was. i used to think my last relationship was fine and normal. i was happy. ive become aware that it was not normal, not just on an intellectual level, but on an emotional one as well. and i've come to realize that while i was, sure, happy, there was a large piece of me that was so disappointed that i had blasted half of myself into the realm of resignation and "it can't be helped, so it's easier to not expect anything!"
i guess it's the kind of thing where you only realize how badly you've been starving once you start eating. i didnt know i could be loved like this.
its like kai said. things were unfair to me. i think i've accepted it to be true.
i don't think any of my love is wasted. another person came along and taught me the same lesson they did, but far more kindly. he turned me down- not out of lack of affection, but out of respect for me as a person. he knew he didn't have the bandwidth. he knew he wasn't ready for a commitment. he showed me what the bare minimum was. he showed me what wasn't extended to me before, and also taught me that it should have been. i do still love him, but it's different now. i love them as a close friend.
... i should thank him. im not one to believe that "all things happen for a reason," but maybe it was the universe gently easing me in towards being able to accept something good. or maybe im choosing to interpret a completely random sequence of cosmic events in a way that makes sense to my tiny human brain.
i've learned more kinds of love. i've made new friends who show care and passion in ways i couldn't have ever imagined. the human experience is so diverse, and i'm reminded of it every day. new love comes with new (and old) kinds of disappointment, too, but i don't think that's a bad thing all the time
and. and i really love my girlfriend...
i didn't know i could be loved like this. i didn't think it was something that existed. well, no. i know it existed, just not applied to me.
they don't love me quietly. she wants me to meet her parents. he doesn't hide me. he isn't ashamed of me, or herself, or her love for me. he wants to do things with me. she wants to meet my parents. he says he wants better for himself, and does things to make them happen. she actually does them instead of becoming resigned that "that's just how things are." they want to change them. and he does his best to change the things that can actually be changed- the things in her control.
she's a romantic. i am too. he thinks of me and makes me jewelry by hand. she enthusiastically loves our ocs, and loves talking to me about them. he thinks im pretty- and doesn't think my beauty has any bearing on how i may feel about someone.
... im still scared. they reassure me every time i ask. she accepts this about me, and that i'm trying my best.
and. and she doesn't bring me pink carnations on the way to see her parents on mother's day as an afterthought. she doesn't see me as a convenient detour to a bigger event like friends or family- i am the destination. he actively suggests things for us to do, expresses that he wants to do them with me, out loud and often. she's generous with her time and love.
they believe every person possesses human dignity, and treats them accordingly. he respects himself, and isn't afraid to admit her own embarrassment and shame towards her past self. i think she could afford to be kinder to herself (we're all growing and trying our best) but i admire her approach none the less.
i don't know what they see in me. i know they'd tell me everything if i ask. but his friends say that he's happier with me, and selfishly, i'm pleased to hear it.
there's a part of me that's still afraid to talk about future planning with him. i'll get over it. i know what i want. and he's realistic, and will take me seriously, and not just indulge me for the sake of indulging me. the "there was always a little part of me that thought it was unrealistic" scenario will never happen again. no more false pretenses. with her, therein exists at least one scenario where i come first.
i feel safe. i think my body knows it too, subconsciously. i sleep better than i usually do when im with them. in contrast, i always slept a little worse with my ex.
i want to be better with her. im still terrified, honestly. but they make me feel like i can do things even when im scared.
