we're back to venting on tumblr dot com
i literally am sooo full of shame i feel like im going to PUKE
i am going to be thirty this year and i just feel so behind. i have been so isolated for YEARS out of fear and shame. literal agoraphopia, dude. so i haven't made much progress in my societal life.
BUT i feel like i've made so much progress mental health wise and that's great. i really fucking needed to, you know? i'm really glad i'm figuring myself out. but it took SO LONG. i feel like i spent all of my time doing that and i haven't progressed in any other aspect of my life.
and i am trying to now. i'm going back to school and i'm trying to learn how to be out in society again and trying to learn what my limits are. like, "how much can i take before i have a meltdown?" and "what does it feel like in my body before a meltdown?" because guess what?? i never learned how to recognize signals in my body!!!!!!!!! it sucks ass!!!!! i can't even recognize when i'm hungry or thirsty until i'm so dizzy and i feel like i'm going to collapse
and i'm trying to get back out there by meeting people and attempting to make friends my age, but it makes me feel so fucking embarrassed. telling people i'm unemployed or i have no idea when i'm going to graduate because i keep having to drop classes, or- GOD, i hate when people talk ask "what are your goals?" "whats your 5 year plan?" I CANT HAVE ONE OF THOSE BECAUSE IF I DO I'LL GET TOO STRESSED AND FREAK OUT. my main goals are to get through the rest of the week and make sure i don't have a meltdown when i go to the laundromat. but i dont know how to explain that to someone i just met or barely know. i'm too secretive and private for that.
and the funny thing is, if someone else told me all this stuff about themselves, i'd be like "word. i hear you" nodding and agreeing. i think it's so valid for someone else BUT NOT FOR ME
and another funny wacky thing (sarcasm) is no one has ever shamed me for being at this point in my life BUT MYSELF!!!!!!!!! it's just a learned behavior i developed after years of my parents shaming me because i struggled so much growing up
IT'S ALL INTERNALIZED SHAME, BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and even now, typing this out in a tumblr post, i feel so EMBARRSSED!!! because im old i feel like i shouldn't be posting this shit online, but if someone else was posting this online at my age i would not give a shit!!!!!!!!!!! WHY!!!!!! IM SO MAD THAT THIS IS HOW I AM
and i'm in my luteal phase right now. i..... don't even get me started. i've tried to off myself so much when i was younger and i wish i knew every date that happened because i bet most, if not every time, i was in my luteal phase.
anyway i do feel better after typing this out so i AM going to post this, shame be damned. exposure therapy or something idk. this all started because im reading a chapter for class about self development and let me tell you, my development has been whack as fuck. every class makes me cry. i like to learn about this stuff but man it is emotionally exhausting for me.
titsay
baratheonpilled
izzy806
discoholicmusic
andulkaphoto
snowghoul
