love letters

⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔ ꒰ ❤︎︎ ꒱ ⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔

[rotted-love]

❤︎︎ Nameless ❤︎︎

These are all the things I want to say but am too scared to do so. Instead, they are compiled in real time into this blog. All you need to know is that I'm just an adult that's a little bit crazy when it comes to the person I like. Like is kind of a bad word, more like I'm crazy about them and the best way the average person can interpret that is if I just have a big crush on them. Also, if my posts are over 5 sentences long, I will create a cut to keep reading just so that it doesn't take up a person's whole dash; I have a feeling a lot of these letters will be very long.

I don't really care who interacts with this blog, within reason of course, but I will likely discuss NSFW content and such so be warned.

I'm used to saying "block don't report" on my blogs. And while I don't know what could be reported on here, as it's just me being gross about myself on the internet, I feel the saying still stands. I don't wish to make anyone upset; this is just for me to release my feelings into the world in some way without me feeling bad about it.

For now, I am only writing to a man I have named 112, but if I ever write to more, I will list them here.

Tags: 112 - Any posts about him, (Insert Number)/112 - The specific day I was talking about him (Ex: 1/112 is the first day I started this blog and talked about him), p.s. - Just what I call my tags since they tend to be more rambling, letters from nameless - Any posts of mine directed towards a specific person, nameless void - Posts of mine that are non-directed

❤︎︎ Love, Nameless ❤︎︎

[rotted-love]

I love and hate noticing small changes in you. It makes me feel like a creep but also like I understand you more than anyone else. Like I truly care and they don't

⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔ ꒰ ❤︎︎ 74/112 ❤︎︎ ꒱ ⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔

[rotted-love]

Every time I learn a new thing about you, I get so giddy. And then that emotion turns bittersweet. I know so much and yet I'm greedy for more, for the specifics, for the more intimate details. Would you answer all of my questions? Like, I know your parents are divorced. I know your mother's an immigrant and while I assumed Indian, you said you weren't. So where did she immigrate from? What about your father? Where is he from? I know you're the oldest kid. How many younger siblings do you have? Their ages? Names? I know you like TV girl. What is your favorite song from them? What's your favorite song? Are they your favorite band? If not, what is? Are you as sappy as I think you are? I know you don't eat meat. Is it a religious thing? A preference? I want to know why you don't eat it even if the answer is as simple as "I don't like it." What about with caffeine? I heard you say you don't drink caffeinated things. Why not? And honestly how have you gone this long in our society without even having a sip? Not even tea? Do you not drink soda? I just find you so fascinating and need my answers.

⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔ ꒰ ❤︎︎ 74/112 ❤︎︎ ꒱ ⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔

[rotted-love]

Why can't you see that I'm your best option? I know all your flaws, and I'd even accept the ones I haven't found yet. We like the same things and probably hold similar beliefs. I would love you for every little thing. Every pro and con, every insecurity and complex, your body and mind, whatever you want from me. I could fill every need if you just let me, so why won't you?

⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔ ꒰ ❤︎︎ 74/112 ❤︎︎ ꒱ ⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔

[rotted-love]

Oh my god, I feel sick to my stomach. I don't think about it too often and then suddenly so many days have passed. I don't want our time together to be over; I haven't even made much progress getting closer to you. And while it would be nice to stop losing my mind over you, another part of me wants to see this to the end, to hold your hand and talk late into the night. God please just keep reaching out to me first, I keep learning about you and want you to learn about me in return. Would it be okay if I asked you out? I've been wanting to, but I can't think of the right time to do it. Would you tell everyone you know? I don't want to think you'd be that type of person, but I also can't say it's something I myself wouldn't do. If you're not going to ask me then at least don't shame me when I do. Please. I keep getting my hopes up, because I think if you think about it for even a second, you'd realize how good we could be together. I wish it were easier to get closer to you, but I don't talk to you enough to casually ask for your number and we're apparently "too old" to just go up to someone and ask to be their friend. I wish things were easier. I'm not even certain the feelings I hold for you are romantic anymore but you're still something I constantly think about. A curiosity. But we don't talk enough! Pleas! Talk to me more! I made a playlist for you and everything. Just give me a chance and you'd see how great of a match that we are. But you won't, so all I can do is watch the days slip by as I imagine us together. It makes me feel pathetic and gross if I think about it too long but indulging myself in that reality keeps my heart calm. I know, I know I'm just rambling on at this point, but I need you to understand just how much this means to me. God, should I just show you the blog? Should I just send you a message on Instagram that you can only see one and not screenshot? Just a shitty picture that says I like you and want to get closer? Just the thought of doing that is making my heart pound so loudly in my chest that I can feel it in my throat. Would you accept me? Would you accept that half-assed and cowardly confession? Doing it in person leaves no openings, but doing it online risks you having no clue who I am.

⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔ ꒰ ❤︎︎ 74/112 ❤︎︎ ꒱ ⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔

[rotted-love]

We only have 54 days left and I'm so scared. I want it to be over but also the thought of it ending is so absolutely terrifying. I want to move forward but I want to move forward with you. I feel sick.

⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔ ꒰ ❤︎︎ 58/112 ❤︎︎ ꒱ ⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔

[rotted-love]

Listening to the same song over and over again makes me feel a little bit closer to you. If I close my eyes I could almost image you laying right next to me. I wonder if you're listening to it too right now. That would make me feel even closer to you.

⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔ ꒰ ❤︎︎ 49/112 ❤︎︎ ꒱ ⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔

[rotted-love]

All I want to do is hold your hand and lay down in the grass together. Is that so much to ask? I think I should be allowed at least a little bit of your love. This wouldn't happen if we weren't mean to be together would it? I mean I love you and you are always around so you could at least love me back. I've been through so much I think I deserve that much. I could love you better than anyone else could I swear.

⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔ ꒰ ❤︎︎ 49/112 ❤︎︎ ꒱ ⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔

[rotted-love]

I really do love you...

⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔ ꒰ ❤︎︎ 49/112 ❤︎︎ ꒱ ⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔

[rotted-love]

I feel like such a creep liking you, I turn into some freak in a romance movie or book. I've started drawing you, in my notes and my tablet and my journals. It's disgusting of me I know. I'm sorry. Honestly, it's taken all my self control to not draw myself alongside you in those pages. I've somehow managed to separate myself even more from reality and have you as a fictional character in my mind. It's scary, I've never liked a real person this much, at least not in a while. I keep thinking about one of us confessing finally, or us hanging out, or me asking all these questions I've kept to myself. I mean, seriously some of your behavior is so odd I can't help but question why you do it- not judging or anything I'd just like to know. God, and I find you cute? We're both grown men, there is no reason for me to find you cute. But the music you listen to and that way you struggle in simple things and the way you laugh, GOD, and you're smile, all of it makes me want to cry. Call me disgusting and perverted all you like but at the end of the day that's how I see you. And for some reason I think I'm better than everyone else for seeing you in that way. Sure, some see the you that's jock-y and tough and nonchalant or whatever, but you can't show pictures of yourself in the most beautiful place on Earth with a love song playing in the background and not have me thing you're a little cute for doing so. Like are you actually soft under that tough guy act? Is it an act? I know people can be complex but that just makes me want to see every part of you. And saying things like that makes me feel like a sappy romance protagonist. At the end of the day the issue is that I still don't talk to you directly because I'm far too scared of the consequences, and that has left me to invent a whole world in my head like one of those perverted incels who force themselves onto the women they stalk. But I'm better than that, right? I'm not hurting anyone I'm just making myself a little happier by listening to the one song I know you like on repeat. It's stupid how comforting it is. I listen to it and it feels as if all my worries are lifted away. Actually, I told a friend about these feelings recently, she's a girl so I assume she'd understand the subject a bit more. She told me to just confess already, that we either get together or you reject me and I move on. But what if you make fun of me? You don't seem like the type, I don't think you could do something that cruel. But what if I misjudged you? Or you accidentally slip when joking with friends because sometimes we say shitty things about others just because it'll make someone laugh. But if that happens I think I'd actually die. So rather, for now, I'll delude myself and keep all these thoughts shut tight far away. I'm planning to tell you eventually but who knows.

⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔ ꒰ ❤︎︎ 49/112 ❤︎︎ ꒱ ⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔

[rotted-love]

I hate you. I swore I was over you. It had been over a month and I decided to say it out loud because I assumed I had waited long enough. I even hated you, I hated you so much that I wanted you dead. I realized I'd split and so I gave up. I gave up on you, five times now. But you looked at me today, and not like you usually do. You often stare or look at me. But today I swear it was as if you had love in your eyes. And it hurts. I've never been looked at like that before. It was only for a second and I felt shivers go up my spine. I couldn't get your smile out of my head, it was like something out of a story. I drew it over and over, your expression, I drew it over and over and forced it's image to be burned in my brain. You looked so kind, so loving. You're eyes were slightly squinted, your eyebrows were relaxed, your smile was close-mouthed and gentle. It genuinely felt like you loved me. But do you? I had convinced myself you hate me, but yesterday you stood at my seat and it felt like you were trying to start a conversation with me. I don't know what you want. And I hate you for confusing me this much. I loved you, then I didn't care, then I loved you again, and then I hated you, and then I loved you, and then I tried to stop caring, and then I loved you, and then I didnt care, and then I loved you, and then I hated you again. And I thought that was it, I thought i was finally free. But god, I want to see that expression on your face one more time. Was it even directed towards me? I can't even tell what I want your answer to be.

⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔ ꒰ ❤︎︎ 34/112 ❤︎︎ ꒱ ⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔

[rotted-love]

I forget how delusional I am until I think of you. Last night I managed to convince myself that today you would talk to me and maybe even confess your feelings. I guess I'm still not certain that you're actually dating her. I told myself I wouldn't feel this way, and that I wouldn't look at you. I only managed to half complete one of those goals, I mean it'd only natural I look at you once or twice, as long as it's not constant right? Anyways, you changed your pattern today and it really freaked me out. You got to the classes earlier than usual, and I'm certain you know I am always the first one in the room because I have to get there way before classes even start, and yet you were the first one in today. We're you waiting for me? I genuinely thought you were because it seemed like you turned to me but gave up as soon as someone else walked in. Did you want to tell me or ask me something in private? Were my crazy delusions, right?? I would ask why not do it online, but I understand the paranoia of that being traceable. Anyways, I told the girl sitting next to me something about my life and in the corner of my eye I saw you staring again. But not like usual and rather more like the last time, where you were standing, fully faced towards me and looking in my eyes. It's scary and nerve wracking and makes it feel like you have something you're trying to telepathically communicate to me. I'm pretty sure we made eye contact a second time. I'm starting to lose track, but I at least know today was less than usual since I went out of my way not to look in your direction- not too much at least. Then I even managed to break the cycle by not following you after classes ended. It made me little sad, but so is life. In other news, our mutual friend finally found my other social medias, which means that if you actually do like me, this progress will increase my likelihood of having something happen between us. Not in any weird way, just more along the lines of maybe you'll talk to me. I keep getting scared that the only reason you'll end up coming up to me is because you want to confront me about everything I say to you in these letters. In my defense, I try to keep quiet, I'm just impulsive and tend to overshare. We're having a spirit week, I'm sure you heard, and one of the days is "dress as your type," and I can't decide if I should dress as you or not. You're definitely not my type, and if you don't like me that's just signing myself up for more public humiliation, but that also means there's the off chance that you realize what I'm wearing is basically what you wear every day. Maybe that will encourage you to make a move. Are you going to dress up? I really doubt it, but I think it'd be fun to see you in makeup. Oh! And you remember those event shirts were wearing? I'm so excited for that. I still feel gross and I'm trying to let go, but I will indulge myself in the gross thoughts that shall happen either way because the actions that light that fire are out of my control. Anyways, I just wanted to say that the idea of wearing the same shirt as you makes me feel all giddy because it means I have a connection to you again. You may not care about me, but we're wearing matching clothing. It's cute. All the couples do it.

⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔ ꒰ ❤︎︎ 5/112 ❤︎︎ ꒱ ⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔

[rotted-love]

I'm fucked. Not even a day and I'm back to writing you letters. But I can't help but think it's better off this way. You have a pretty girl- God knows that pisses me off because she's also younger than us and that's gross- but she's cute and stable. I've thought about it before, how you deserve better than me. God knows you deserve a cute, thin, caring girl who can give you a life of love rather than a prodromal schizophrenic who's so unstable that I break down over a UI change in an app. But I can't help writing to you. It's pathetic, and stupid, and I need to stop but I still think of you. I really wish I didn't, I want to hate you and never see you again, but I'm over it? I don't even know how I feel anymore. I'm definitely still upset, and I still feel gross inside thinking too hard about it, but I don't care enough to stop talking to you. I'm so worried about what I'll do tomorrow. The plan was to ignore you, move on, act like nothing ever happened and recognize that I'm crazy and that we will never happen. But I know I'm not that strong willed. No matter what I want to do, I'll still be so conscious of your every move and still catch glimpses of you. I'll still try to dress up, at least a little bit, to feel more confident and maybe catch your eye. I'll still draw you in my notebook and giggle, even while knowing it's all in my head. What's worst of all is that I'm so fucking delusional I've convinced you're not dating her. "Oh, why wouldn't they just say that," as if dating in secret isn't a thing. "Oh, maybe they're related," as if they look even remotely alike. "Oh, maybe they're just best friends," as if she's not too young- I mean seriously, you have a pick of like hundreds of girls your age and the one who you pick to be your best friend is over a year younger than you? Gross. I'm still a little bit convinced that you love me and are planning to ask me out, but I know those are my horrible delusions talking. Obviously dating in secret is aa thing, I don't know why you're dating in secret but that doesn't mean it isn't happening. I mean, hell, there are no pictures of you together, I've never seen you in the same room, I barely even knew she existed. The only way anyone would have ever known is if they're as crazy as I am and stalked every fucking part of your life and found your goddamn Spotify account. I mean, seriously, how fucking crazy am I??? I think I'm just hoping that there is something between us because I'm lonely and crazy. And all you being in a relationship did was make me feel so guilty. I don't blame you. It's not your fault that my fucked-up brain picked you. And I'm sorry that I keep bothering you with these God forsaken letters. I feel like a horrible person, but that's what I am to my core. I can't fuck up your life the way I did mine, so I'll watch from the sidelines.

⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔ ꒰ ❤︎︎ 4/112 ❤︎︎ ꒱ ⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔

[rotted-love]

Now I'm going to bed with my head all messed up. I'm so confused and upset, and I just wish I understood what anyone was actually thinking ever instead of having my perception of reality distorted by whatever the fuck I have wrong with me. I feel heartbroken but I'm not even allowed to say that because our entire relationship is basically just me being a horrible delusional loser who thought whatever made me happy.

[rotted-love]

Why am I heartbroken? Why am I sad? I knew it didn't mean anything and that I was deluding myself and yet I was so convinced it was that after confirming it will never happen, I feel empty inside. Actually, I wish I felt empty, I just feel like a horrible squeezing, stabbing feeling. God, I feel so gross now. I'm sorry.

[rotted-love]

My illness has been my downfall. I managed to find your Spotify account. The only person you follow follows you back. And she's a pretty girl. I guess that's it for me. No more delusions, no more whimsical guessing. The truth is revealed and I have officially been realized as the crazy one who overthought everything.

⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔ ꒰ ❤︎︎ 3/112 ❤︎︎ ꒱ ⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔

[rotted-love]

I keep looking at that old photo of you I found and giggling. Seeing it makes me feel all giddy inside and all I want to do is stare at it and kick my feet up and down. It's disgusting and creepy but looking at you fills me with so much joy that it escapes me physically. How creepy would it be of me to print it out?

⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔ ꒰ ❤︎︎ 3/112 ❤︎︎ ꒱ ⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔⏔