sorry

poems i cry alot

[rottedclay]

You can call us Rottedclay or Rotted or Clay (preferably not Clay lmao but idrc)

This is a vent blog for a diagnosed DID system of approx. 25+ that we know of but many more that we dont

(we will tag each post by creator as able (i cant promise much consistency with tags i apologize)). Emojis will be used for littles and middles we will not be sharing names of and the words [Blurry, Fuzzy, Blurred, Dissociating, Anon] used for anon posts for one reason or another

example of tags: #Lukas #Blurry #🪱

I mostly post poems but sometimes art. I try my best not to disclose MY triggers unless absolutely necessary BUT JUST AS AN ALERT TO THOSE OF YOU CONSUMING MY PSUDO-DIARY: Just TRIGGER WARNING EVERYTHING especially TW: CSA, COCSA, sex trafficking, domestic abuse/SA, suicide, death, illness and medical abuse/medical trauma

We are bodily an adult and this blog is 18+

Minors or no age specified, Pro-P@r4, Pro-sh!p, Pro-Endo/Willo DO NOT INTERACT. I will not be involving our system in sys-discourse or the like. I am bodily a person of color intersex and disabled both physically and mentally, racism and bigotry of any kind will not be tolerated either. Please just be respectful of these personal boundaries, otherwise you will simply be blocked. Thanks.

The main point of this blog is to have more continuity of thought between parts and to help balance the load of our trauma burden on those parts that remember. There will be a lot of screaming into the void.

I don’t expect anyone to care nor follow. I’m not here to make mutuals but you are more than welcome to stay and scroll or follow if you feel so moved. I WANT TO STRESS this is a space where very unsettling traumas are being discussed via art and writing. I try my best to be vague for my safety and to not be distressing but sometimes there is no way to be vague enough. If you relate to what I post I’m so sorry. If you don’t….. please explain why you are stalking my blog? Regardless I hope my unpacking this hoarded home of abuse can bring those in similar shoes some solace.

[rottedclay]

Earth froze over the day he returned as if in protest to what he had done to her body

making herself cold and unlovable

untouchable

unrape-able

frost wedging into his pipelines

Wash me in the sins of my father

I’ll never be clean I’d be cleaner in his blood

if i cant be clean id rather be warm

take me to the bathroom

ill bathe in red gore

and he can take pictures from the doorway.

~January ‘26

[rottedclay]

[rottedclay]

so incredibly tired of people OBJECTIVELY within societal beauty standards and living transiently between usually just aided mobility and fully ‘closeted disability’ talking to those of us OBJECTIVELY NOT within those standards due to our disabilities/illnesses those of us OBJECTIVELY NOT transiently able bodied, about being visibly disabled.

[rottedclay]

RIP TO MY YOUTH

(when down the drain of old memories and found blended art from our past host and a child alter trying to make sense of our situation)

[rottedclay]

i want to tell you

what happened to me.

i was head over handles in love

like my first bicycle accident

before the mouthful of gravel and blood

i swore we were flying.

First psych hospital admission when I was 14 finally staring those demons planted by fathers and friends dead in the eyes for the first time.

[rottedclay]

Trigger Warning Mothers Day, Miscarriage, Graphic Language, CSA implied, Suicide Implied

Happy Mother’s Day

to me..

and the carcass rotting in my womb

happy mother’s day..

Baby

that word is cruel and made me feel cold to write

You decide which one

i recently developed the inability to look at my child self for fear i may see you

catch a glimse in the darkness of my eyes

i hate it here

Baby

i should’ve been buried at thirteen with you still inside me

i remember the cold like all the dead things in the road

i wish i would rot

~May 2026

[rottedclay]

WHO AM I NOW…

[rottedclay]

i hate this rotting mind.

[rottedclay]

what do you mean im stuck like this forever and its YOUR fault. I was destined to this gruesome future and IT IS YOUR FAULT. FUCKING FIX ME FIX ME THE WAY YOU BROKE ME AND LEFT ME THERE SHATTERED I DONT CARE IF MY SHARDS SLICE YOUR FINGERS YOU HAVE TO PLEASE YOU HAVE TO PIECE ME BACK TOGETHER THIS CANT BE REALLY ALL I HAVE IM DROWNING IN THIS BODY. LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID TO ME

why?how could you.

[rottedclay]

and it’s viscous the need to relive

an ouroboros feeding on the cycle of abuse

so comforting so familiar are his arms

so cradle me and make me feel worthy

a suicidal lamb to my slaughter by your ankles i’ll follow

only if i bleed between your teeth am i holy

i am sin and she is my blood

to young to know but

i

can’t

forget

~November 2025

[rottedclay]

if i died today would anyone even know?

would i rot into the carpet

collapsed wherever you left me

oozing onto the floor like spoiled spilt milk

would you cry over it

or would you feel relief

that the ungodly weight of me is gone

id be nothing but this putrid flesh

no soul no thoughts

just stench and gore while i melt

this useless cage i’ve lived in agony trapped in for so long

bloated and stuck to the floor

~November 2025

[rottedclay]

Samson tell me

where has your endurance gone

stand up like a man

untangle whats left of your locks

did she whip you with her tongue

did it wrap around your stone arms and reduce them to splintered sand

did she shear you of your memory

fibre by fibre plucked your sense of self

be still Samson

and take the flogging

you are nothing if not your ability to withstand

you are nothing if weak

her shallow tongue sharp and slicing into more than just tangled dark hair

I SAID STAND SAMSON

become hardened like leather

or worse, be what her words confess

-November 2025