sad teenager

i get sad and put it into metaphors they/he/xym/it | no tw/cw (read byf) main blog @skuiive

[rotzmp3]

“who is rotzmp3 ??” - me

read this byf

who even is he?

☆│im rotz (online name)

☆│im 15+

☆│bisexual transmasc

☆│part of an osdd1b system & im a therian/alterhuman

☆│i like poetry, marine life, gaming, and art

what does he even write?

☆│i write mostly personal stuff, such as:

☆│love, heartbreak, family dysfunction

☆│depression, anxiety, mental health(such as ed, bpd, self sabotage, sh, etc.)

☆│religious references(although im not religious), canine, and more

who does he like?

☆│for this account specifically, no crazy stuff such as nsfw and whatever things that make me uncomfortable

☆│i don’t have a specific dni or byf for this acc. its my own space so if u get blocked or removed, u prob weirded me out

extras

☆│im taken

☆│prob wont be as active here, as this is a dump account for my poems and writings i think of - out of the blue

[rotzmp3]

when you consume guilt more than your meals

you know that you’re losing in every battle you have.

when you start having nightmares about it,

you know you’ve lost.

[rotzmp3]

i may be a big boy now, perhaps your son

but in my heart im still your little girl

every time you leave, you hurt my inner child

when you step out, my heart shatters and my world ends

it may not be raining, but im storming up a thunderstorm within my head

i want to prove to you why you should stay longer and talk to me, even when i seem angry

i wonder if i play with razor blades like how you would play with kitchen toys

maybe you’ll stay longer and talk to me

i miss you dad.

p.s. please talk to me, im only 5 footsteps away.

[rotzmp3]

birthdays are meant for celebration of a new beginning

candles and love

surrounded by the people who care

but deep down

you are just the runt of the litter

[rotzmp3]

it’s sick to love as a transgender person

can relate to wlw relationship because its the only thing i can relate genetically

look at mlm relationships and get jealous of their chin hairs and boy smile

overthinking if lovers of past life thought of you as a man or as another doll who’s too sensitive

think about if your partner sees you for your eyes or for the parts god cursed you with

wonder if anyone can really love you and call you handsome without having a lump in their throat

ive always hated being trans because i cant find a stable ground for my lovers

stare at the ground because youre scared that yours and their family members would look into your eyes and say “she”

hide away in your room, wearing baggy clothing in 89 degrees

stare at old pictures of yourself and think ,,do people see me as now or as the past’’

don’t stare into the mirror for too long or else you’ll see who you’re killing.

hating yourself has caused you to not see what others see of you

you only see the version you knew

but as my lover like to say…

“i love you because of you”

[rotzmp3]

there’s a saying that caterpillars have to be patient with others

that their wings causes harm to the ones who gave them

that others find it disturbing that they hide away for weeks and come back as something stronger and more beautiful

that what they’re doing is killing the only creature that mother nature could ever have.

but we all know its just called metamorphosis,

so why do you tell trans folks that its “killing” the only child their parents could have?

[rotzmp3]

sharp and delicate, yet stronger than anything

bleed and bleed out, bandaids wont do

dig into your skin, the way your thoughts dig into your heart

teeth.

[rotzmp3]

syrup full of sugar, you sure are glamorous

mix this and mix that and i have you

however maybe i mistaken you for salt

but who cares, you’re still syrup full of sugar to me.

[rotzmp3]

find comfort within you.

finding comfort within you.

i fought for comfort.

finding within you.

comfort without you.

[rotzmp3]

i fear im always doing something wrong

doesn’t matter if i did or not

my head goes in circles and still ends up in the same ditch

maybe thats what my life is meant to be

[rotzmp3]

i stare at the dirty laundry on the floor

the mess on the desk

half full water bottles

finding comfort was good for a little while,

but maybe i’m better off with shredded paper and broken lead pencils

perhaps my blue blanket is the best out of all of them

[rotzmp3]

maybe the reason i cry is because of my mothers passion for wine

tears dripping down like a shot glass that missed your lips

all i wanted was comfort and a hand to hold onto

but maybe mr rabbit is the friendlier option

i shouldn’t have anger towards people who drink at parties

but i hate being the one that has to deal with them afterwards

(thats why i prefer to drink alone and to forget)

its sickening to watch a sweet person be bitter when their lips kiss the glass

because how am i supposed to know if its the truth or the alcohol talking?

p.s. i still have ur shot glasses, mom.

[rotzmp3]

july curse

you are born into the month of freedom,

yet you are restricted from loving yourself.

ruby stones bling and twinkle for you,

but your eyes are tired and gone.

water lilies grow up to be beautiful colors,

and you seem to hate what you’ve become.

[rotzmp3]

very unmotivated artist

i wish i found comfort in the things i love

such as art

instead of blades, why couldn’t be gel pens gliding through my skin

instead of alcohol, why couldn’t be the paint water i mistaken as my coffee

instead of self-isolation, why couldn’t i surround myself with paintings

instead of spurting violent words, why couldn’t it be beat up paint brushes

art truly makes me happy

words will never be enough to describe what a canvas feels

but i also find happiness in my own rotting bed

in the anger i feel.

maybe its time to pick up that brush, and do one more stroke to finish the painting.

[rotzmp3]

words with such spike of anger

complete emotions

goes so well with

a body full of love

and hands full of aggression;

actions aren’t a follower of words

they’re your biggest betrayal in combat.

[rotzmp3]

“im her”

great guess but you’re the reason why i cant sleep at night during my bad days.

maybe, you are the reason of my bad days.

its been about 2 years, yet your poison affects my taste buds.

i tried tasting honesty, it tasted like lemon

i tasted my self-respect, it was pure licorice

i attempted to tryout communicating, but i was left with the aftertaste of an unripe fruit

you, are the sole reason why i cannot speak anymore.

i always fear that if i spoke the truth, my lips will bleed

but its better if i have cracked lips than my cat playing with my thighs.

now, i second guess if i should tell people that i’ve dyed my thighs red,

because how would i know if their words will dye my brain black?

now, i prefer people to scream and hurt my body rather than lock their lips when they’re feeling volcanic

i can handle the sharp blade, not the silence of graves

now, i hate being alone - even for a second

your absence made me want to swim in the depths of the ocean,

because i know at least something will be there for me.

[rotzmp3]

you can make jokes about me all you want.

you can delete my history and my identity.

however, you’ll never delete the proof of my body.

the proof that i have been struggling for year,

the proof of scars that last longer than my rights,

the proof that i rather have my neck kiss the rope that hangs on the ceiling than to live in a world where i am seen as

not important. a sinner. a mistake. a demon.

i better much prefer the taste of sugar from bleach,

the loving touch of a blade,

the warmth of a busy highway,

the comfort of a trigger that kisses my forehead so angelically.

that is my thought process as a trans person,

and you cisgender people will never be able to hear nor see it.

because you’re not affected.