🧝‍♀️ @worstfruit - Tumblr Blog

valtsv

me as a 14th century knight: this sucks i'm gonna fms (translator's note: fall on my sword)

prometheus-let-the-fire-rain

Alternatively: fuck my squire

valtsv

[remembers falling on my sword jokes negatively impact my knight's oath] ...fuck my squire

oldshrewsburyian

In the early Middle Ages almost everyone would have had a story about a pig.

Jamie Kreiner, Legions of Pigs in the Early Medieval West

prokopetz

Wizard RPG that takes the Vancian "spells are demons made of math that live in your brain" thing to its logical yet absurd conclusion and casts the player character's prepared spells as a Disco Elysium style internal peanut gallery that influences dialogue trees and makes fun of your decisions. I want to get relationship advice from magic missile.

metalgirlrisingrevengeance

YOU - "I don't want to die, no matter how hard I try, I'm so scared of death"

FALSE LIFE - Invest in lichdom IMMEDIATELY.

RAISE DEAD - Invest in lichdom IMMEDIATELY.

ANIMATE DEAD - Invest in lichdom IMMEDIATELY.

CALM EMOTIONS - Hey hey, just breathe okay? I know it's scary, I know... You will be okay. I believe in you, you're strong.

MAGIC JAR - Do I have the offer for you!

DANSE MACABRE - Invest in lichdom IMMEDIATELY

SUMMON UNDEAD - Invest in lichdom IMMEDIATELY.

CATAPULT - Gather 100 arrows and coat them within the poison of a Purple Wyrm, CREATION can help you. 3d8 bludgeoning, 100d8 Piercing, 1200d6 poison on a failed save (Talk to SILVERY BARBS). 368 + 4200 damage on average. We repeat until god is dead.

go-lurk

pathfinder 2nd edition is out and succubi are now so horny that they take psychic damage when their advances arent reciprocated

also you can rub it in how much you’re not into them to cause more psychic damage

failchild

funnytwittertweets

ceescedasticity

In my headcanon/theory of orcs:

Orcs are uniformly tone-deaf, no exceptions. But they do sing. It just doesn't sound so good to anyone who isn't tone-deaf.

(Melkor, if he noticed, appreciated the dissonance, but Sauron was Not A Fan.)

Also their sense of rhythm is fine and orcish drummers can get quite sophisticated.

Common subjects for orc songs:

Fear Us

We are doing a task [which isn't very interesting and this at least livens it up]

We are going to kill you and destroy everything you love and have fun doing it

A 'and then there were none' backwards-counting song of elf-princes, some verses inspired by real events

A prince of cats got his ass kicked by a girl and a dog, definitely not inspired by real events, honest, but also definitely not to be sung in Mordor

We've been marching a long time and it's annoying

The Sun is a bitch

I Fear Nothing Except The Sea Which Is Fucking Terrifying

My warg is the best warg, she's eaten lots of babies

Behold my gruesome trophies

My body is the most fucked up and uncomfortable but I make it work

There's Something In These Caves (It's A Dragon And Planning To Eat Us)

These Orders Indicate Our Senior Leadership Has Shit For Brains

I Wish I Was Back In Goblin-Town

Today Is A Terrible Day To Die But I Guess That's What We're Doing

cuarthol

lourensz

adut aketch x hajime sorayama by portis wasp

70s-pop-80s

Jeanne d’Arc by Hajime Sorayama

dougawright

Old Dominion Kataphractoi

mediumaevum

Inside the World’s Only Surviving Tattoo Shop For Medieval Pilgrims

The Razzouk family has been inking religious pilgrims in the Middle East for 700 years

A tiny shop, almost dwarfed by its prominent sign, lies across a quiet cobblestone road. If you didn’t know anything about the incredible, centuries-long history of the family who runs this particular shop, the sign’s tagline might cause you to do a double-take: “Tattoo With Heritage Since 1300” it reads. Read on