Sad Poet

[weepingdreamersandwich]

I wonder if my parents realize that they've already lost me. That my smiles are fake and my eyes are constantly searching for escape routes. That I'm just biding my time until I can be free of them. I wonder if they know that I was never theirs to keep.

[roughtimesally]

The tragedy of this.

This pain. To know that they lost without even knowing and the stress of having to keep up an act. To survive.

Try. Please try not get lost in that survival mode, it maybe necessary now but it will be hard to get out of when you’re…safe.

I hope for you. Good luck and be well.

[roughtimesally]

Could God really save me from this pain? Or is this pain I must save myself from?

God…who are you really?

…who am I really?

[roughtimesally]

To cling onto a God.

I hope for your everlasting love.

Thus you have my everlasting devotion.

My worship. My love.

But you betrayed me. Because you aren’t no God.

You’re human.

Human’s aren’t perfect and I shouldn’t have asked you to be such.

But now that I know that you can betray me.

Knowing how, DEPENDANT I AM…it’s scary.

I don’t need no God, I don’t need your love.

I need to be my own salvation.

[roughtimesally]

Is this is all I am?

You’re assistant?

God. I have to find something to do when I clear up my problems…

I don’t think you mind that too much.

[roughtimesally]

I have to remember.

I tried in 2025.

I achieved my greatest thing and experienced my greatest failure this year.

2026? I need to try.

Try new things, do what I always wanted to do even if it’s scary. I have to try. Yes, it’s scary and there maybe some stuff to lose, but do I want to look back regretting?

I have to try. But go about it smart of course.

Remember, try.

[roughtimesally]

A new year, a new hope.

It’s not a Star Wars movie but life is entertaining like a movie.

[roughtimesally]

“I want to trust again.”

“I want to love again.”

“I want to be loved by you again.”

“I know you love me.”

“I can’t love myself…not right now.”

“Mom…I’m tired.”

[roughtimesally]

“Well fuxk…I thought I was fine then I wasn’t.”

“IT WASN’T ABOUT MONEY! Money is control! If I have money I have control! I LACKED CONTROL MY WHOLE LIFE.”

“I…I never liked money.”

“I just wanted control over my fucking life. I knew money was control.”

“I…I never wanted to not trust you. I wanted to trust you, you’re my mother for fuxk’s sakes.”

“But the shit you have done to me…even though you gave me a lot. You gave me more than enough.”

“You…You’re actions have affected me so much I can’t even…I can’t even trust anymore.”

“I don’t hate you. I still love you.”

“I just hate what I have become.”

[roughtimesally]

Floating in space is fine.

I just need to figure out how to get back to my ship and get my shit together is all.

[roughtimesally]

I wanted this so badly to work between you and me.

But it’s not working.

I’m just…tired of you.

[roughtimesally]

Piece by piece.

I’m tearing apart and I don’t know how to sew myself up again.

[roughtimesally]

It’s all happening too fast.

I can’t seem to catch up anymore.

I have to try, I have to keep trying.

But…I’m so tired.

[roughtimesally]

Crying felt so much easier.

Crying now. It feels harder.

It must be, because I grew stronger.

More tolerant of the pain.

But…that crying helps me heal.

What am I without some tears to shed?

[roughtimesally]

Why do I have to watch it all burn? It’s your turn to get traumatized.

[roughtimesally]

Stability. I miss that.

I miss that your gone, your stability wasn’t perfect but it was better then what I have here.

I miss your hugs, I miss your giggle.

I miss your company.

I’m sorry.

[roughtimesally]

Am I doing enough to protect you?

To make sure you don’t get hurt?

I don’t want you to experience the things I have but I don’t have total control over the situation.

If I do try and vie for it, it may come to bite me in the butt and you get hurt in the cross fire.

But what can I do and say? Am I forced to be an observe and watch as people’s lives shamble in front of me?

Why? Why can’t I fix it?

[roughtimesally]

My anger wants to blind me.

It wants me to see it as simple.

You are a traitor.

You betrayed me.

BACK STABBED ME.

I HATE YOU BECAUSE OF IT.

But I don’t. I’m just tired.

I just want her back.

Everytime I cry.

I cry for her to return back into my arms.

But I know that is far from reality.

You can’t bring back the dead.

But if I could. I would trade myself for her.

Because seeing her happy.

Makes me happy.