Rowan Blaez

[rowanblaez]

Day 5 of a migraine. Wooooo.

[rowanblaez]

One of my baby tarantulas has died. I've had it basically since it hatched. When I first brought it home, it was this cute little clear thing with two black dots for eyes and 8 teeny legs. You could barely see it. It slowly grew bigger over the past year and got some faint coloration, but didn't even get to grow to a full inch before it died.

Even with the most hardy species, babies (slings) are just more fragile. Sometimes they just die for no reason. Still can't help but think I did something wrong though. Idk.

This is my first tarantula loss and I didn't think it'd hit me this hard. . .

[rowanblaez]

Major downside to owning a cat:

That creepy moment where you're looking at them and they're looking back at you all content, and then suddenly they sit up straight and look juuuusstt over your shoulder and you know damn well there's no one behind you but that cat is definitely seeing something and now I'm pretty sure our place is haunted god damn it.

[rowanblaez]

Happy that I finally seem to have an appetite more often than not, but now most foods make me nauseous.

I just can't win OTL

[rowanblaez]

Maybe I'll feel more like an adult if I start having a glass of wine with my dinners. People in books always seem to.

First I'll just need to have an actual "dinner time" instead of eating whenever. But after that I think I'm good to go. A PB&J sandwich and too much icecream counts as dinner, right??

Oh yeah. I feel adult-ey already.

[rowanblaez]

"I love you" doesn't need to be said out loud. "I love you" can simply be when someone cares enough that you're finally eating and enjoying food.

My man is overly excited that I'm getting my appetite back, even if it might only be temporary. Today, I could see how relieved he was when I listed off all the foods that sound good. Feeling super loved 🥰

[rowanblaez]

I love books, but the act of reading has always been like a knock-out drug for me. Getting through a dozen pages without falling asleep for hours is a challenge, no matter how much I like the book. Audiobooks have been great, but it doesn't quite compare to reading.

But I started reading a book online and I've gotten through 30 chapters in less than 24 hours. Zero tiredness. In fact I could hardly get to sleep last night because I want to read more lol No idea why. I really like having a book in my hands, but if it means I can actually stay awake to read, then I guess I'll be switching to scrollable online books.

It's a dumb thing to be this excited about, but after decades of struggling, I'm sooooo thrilled to have found this out.

[rowanblaez]

Today I had a slice of plain toast, 1 banana and a little container of sugar free applesauce - and none of it came back up.

Tomorrow's food agenda: all of that plus a couple spoonfuls of plain white rice and maybe some broth.

[rowanblaez]

Horribly. . . horribly sick. Only things I've been able to keep down in the past 24 hours is small sips of water/Gatorade and a single Midol pill because I'm also on my period.

Despite also not feeling too well, my man has been extremely attentive and has done a wonderful job taking care of me. Life sucks at the moment, but I'm one lucky individual to have him ❤

[rowanblaez]

You must be doing something right when your mormon friends and family mute you on social media during General Conference weekend.

The only thing truth has to fear is our own cowardice to accept it.

[rowanblaez]

I adore tarantulas. Unfortunately I don’t own this species, but it’s my favorite <3 This is the first time I’ve drawn a tarantula, so I’d like to get feedback from fellow T-lovers :)  I’m thinking I might have to adjust the font size on these cards, but I’ll burn that bridge when I come to it. 

[rowanblaez]

That feeling when you wanna do a lot of things, but can’t focus on anything. But you’re determined, so you sorta start one thing, while checking something else out, thinking about another thing and feeling guilty you’re not doing another thing because that’s probably more important. And because none of it’s getting your full attention, none of it’s working out so you may as well not even be doing anything.  I think professionals would call this ADD. But I’ve heard that you’re most creative when you’re tired - and I think that’s my problem. I’m always tired. 

[rowanblaez]

Migraine for two days in a row. Glad I got that one tarot card done when I did. Existence is pain. But at least I have miso soup :3  

[rowanblaez]

The first tarot card from my deck~! WOO! 

[rowanblaez]

Pretentious Cooch

Haven’t seen a doctor in like six years, so I figured it was time for a pap test. No big deal. Did the normal things like wore my cute panties and took extra care with my landscaping. 

So I get to the desk to check in. After a few questions, the receptionists asks my gender. This is standard. New records and all. 

But it’s the first time I’ve said this out loud to someone other than my man - and in such a public place! Sure, I was literally the only one there besides staff, but “staff” is still public. I froze.

Why didn’t I think of this beforehand?  I should have planned for this, damn it! Do I feel feminine at this very moment?  If I do, should I just say ‘female’? I’m not really sure about it though.  Fuck, she’s staring at me. Normal people don’t think about this - just say something!  

“U-uh, they/them . . .” Not really an answer to her question, but whatever.

She nodded. “So non-binary?” 

God damn it. I could say ‘yes’, but non-binary isn’t exactly accurate. Is she going to know what ‘demi woman’ means? If I correct her, I might look pretentious. No, I’ll definitely look pretentious, and someone around here is going to be up close and personal with my vagina soon.  The last thing I want is for some stranger to be staring at my va-jay-jay, thinking “this cooch is just as pretentious as the person it belongs to.” Damn my awesome landscaping! Fuck, she’s staring again.

“Demi . . .” That wasn’t even a full sentence or phrase. Fucking hell.

She nodded, typed a few things, and that was my wonderful first experience with verbally and mentally fumbling around my gender to someone who probably didn’t care.    

[rowanblaez]

Feeling awesome creative vitality today but have a headache that's bordering on a migraine. Horror movies and tea it is.

Edit: well I WAS going to get tea, but the cat wanted lap-time. So horror movies and kitty snuggles it is.

Edit: the wallpaper in "The Conjuring 2" is the most ugly, gawdy, in-your-face awful wallpaper I've ever seen and I kind of love it.

[rowanblaez]

Didn't do it.

Not because I chickened out or anything. I could do it. I could do it whenever I feel like it.

. . . I just didn't feel like it.