It’s Okay To Eat That, Really.

I quit dieting. Learning to love myself however I look, live my life through Intuitive Eating, and be my authentic self. ♥ Follows and likes from my main blog ♥ @rozilovesyou ♥

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Hi, hello, how are you?

It’s been a while, hasn’t it?

Let’s see, I believe my last pot was in August. So we’re looking at about 10 months without activity.

I got married. I gained about 40-50 pounds since my wedding. I turned 33. I ended my contract with my personal trainer. I somehow sprained both my ankles in a two-month period. I started seeing a new therapist. I began testosterone hormone replacement therapy. I came out as non-binary. I have spent more and more time thinking about the damage that dieting has done to my mind, body, and soul.

I don’t know what to do with this space. I miss the community I had here, and popping back on briefly reminded me of that. But the progress photos, points/calorie counting, fitspo, it all makes me feel like a failure. They are triggering, and make me want to start a juice cleanse or start restricting or just stop eating.

Maybe I’ll overhaul my tumblr again and start following IE and HAES accounts. Maybe I’ll just leave this alone.

Today is a rough day. I decided to stay home from work. My position is ending this month and while I try to find an internal position, it’s not working out great. Every other thing in my life is taking emotional priority over the thing I actually need to focus on, so my anxiety is raging, my self-love is fading, my fucking ankle is not healing, my eye is twitching, and my “hunger” is roaring.

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Whole30 Top row: day one Bottom row: day twenty-one Today I start intermittent fasting - no food for a 16-hour period, only eating during an 8-hour period (while I’m at work). All my meals are prepped for the week. I even made dinners for my fiancé since we won’t be eating dinner together. I hope this provides the extra boost in weight loss that I need right now. Still eating Whole30, and plan to stay with it until our wedding tasting on August 27th

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Countdown

I’m getting married in less than 100 days.

Almost a year ago, in August 2017, my mom came wedding dress shopping with me. I tried on a dress (for the second time - that’s another story) that I absolutely fell in love with. I went from not wanting a wedding dress to leaving the store with the order made (because mama paid).

From that August to this past March, I worked under an emotionally abusive boss who constantly made me feel bad about my actions at work. That led me to doubt myself in all aspects of my life. I dealt with this stress, and my worst winter of seasonal depression, by eating more, and working out less. I started seeing a new therapist, and in retrospect she was not very helpful for me.

Since I bought that dress I gained 20-30 pounds. Honestly, I don’t know. I have the measurements from that day - at least I have a goal baseline.

Since I started my new job, I quit Weight Watchers and wanted to transition to intuitive eating and really become comfortable with my body, the food I’m eating, and creating healthy (non-restrictive) dietary habits.

Last month I spoke to my mom on the phone. She offered to buy me a new dress and sell the one that’s currently waiting for me in her closet. I was blown away. Apparently my aunt, who I am Facebook friends with, had told my mother that I “ballooned” and gained a bunch of weight. Cool, thanks. It’s not like I wasn’t already aware that I might not fit into the dress, now I have family talking shit about me.

Yesterday I talked to my mom on the phone again. She repeated her offer. To me it sounds like she is holding my dress hostage, that it’s like this threat - lose the weight or you’ll be stuck with something that you hate.

I know she means well, and she is really trying to provide me with an out in case I don’t hit this goal. Like I said, a year ago I didn’t even WANT a wedding dress. But I have had a photo of me wearing this dress in my cubicle for the las six months. I look at it and look forward to the look on my fiancé’s face when he sees it. I imagine dancing around and stuffing my face and drinking cheap beer in this gorgeous thing. My coworkers see it on my desk and praise it, complimenting the style.

So here I am, almost halfway through Whole30, with the sole fucking purpose of trying to drop 20 pounds before August I guess when I’ll try the dress on again. Because it’s easy to take a dress out, but nearly impossible to let it out.

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34:07 in the rain. I jogged the whole first half without walking! If I hadn’t been so soggy, I probably would have made it the whole way. Next run scheduled for June!

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36:48 I’ve been doing couch to 5k again for 4 weeks, so I decided to see how my 5k game is coming along.

The last time I ran a 5k was January 30th and my time was 45:17

In a month of regular training I’ve been able to cut off almost ten minutes and get back up to some of my top running times. I need to dig through and see if I can find my personal best, but this is pretty impressive to look at my own progress.

Now I just need to stick with it! I have an official 5k in April and another one in June - AND MY FIRST 10K IN SEPTEMBER!!

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First run of 2018. Treadmill 5k at 45:17 Starting C25K again on Thursday, and I’m planning to track my workouts. January got off to a rough start, but who says the shortest month of the year has to be a failure too?

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Personal growth isn’t about becoming a different person, it’s about fundamentally changing how you interact with who you already are.

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Reblog if you’re not at your starter weight anymore.

[sarahtanatjones]

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Few days I haven't posted of my running progress for 100 miles by Halloween.

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I walked so much on vacation, but didn't track the miles so I'm not counting them for 100 miles by Halloween. So, I've only completed 47 tracked miles so far. That means almost five miles each day to hit my goal!! Oh boy, good thing I started a new show recently on Netflix (Jane the Virgin), at least I have something to watch on the treadmill. Almost all walking today. Hopefully tomorrow I can go on a massive pokewalk as long as the weather behaves!

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Yesterday's run, another 2 miles for my Halloween challenge. Only 11 days left - time to pick up the pace!

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Yesterday I started the countdown to my wedding. In the last few months I've put my physical health and wellbeing on the back burner. As I start this new chapter on my life, I want to enter it as healthy as possible. So here we are, again. Renewing my vows to myself - vows to eat lots of fruits and vegetables, drink plenty of water, and stay active no matter how dark and gloomy it is outside. I'm not very active on tumblr since I frequently get overwhelmed by the number of posts, but I like tracking my progress and plan to post monthly updates. I'd also love to get back to my Weekly Weigh-In Wednesday posts! Here are my current stats as of 10/18/2017 B: 41.25 W: 37 H: 44 Weight: 167.4 I created a new Instagram account to make daily posts about my journey; feel free to follow me: www.instagram.com/future.mx.romanesco

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Sorry for the Fitbit spam. Just want to collect all my miles by Halloween together! Tomorrow I begin the year-long countdown to my wedding! I created an Instagram account to share my journey - I'll try to post everyday about my health & fitness journey, gender identity, and general wedding stuff. @future.mx.romanesco

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Got this sweet glass at a luau while in Hawaii. I spent four days after vacation recovering at home, and trying to relive the good times (and warmth!)

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2 mile walk during vacation I got a lot of steps in, but didn't really have many actual workout days. This walk was taken instead of the bus or a ride. It was so hot, but I was rewarded with dim sum and fresh malasadas!!