RPG Nonsense

stories, quotes etc from our various Tabletop RPG campaigns

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"I love a good genocide."

Said by a player during a lore dump.

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DM: "No floor dice."

Players: "Boo!"

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After rolling two natural 1's in a row, the player throws his die across the room.

Curious another player inspects the thrown die.

Investigating player: "It's a 19."

Throwing player: "Can I keep that?"

DM: "I'll allow it."

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Non-lethal... please?

So one of our players, with a critical hit dealt an accidental 214 points of damage to one of the party's mother who was being mind controlled by an enemy.

Needless to say she was killed instantly.

Player, in utmost horror - "That's the most amount of damage I've ever dealt with a single attack, and I feel awful."

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Gotta catch em all...

"These are enemies, you're supposed to kill them, not collect them. This isn't Pokemon!"

An outburst from our DM after we decided we wanted to keep a zombie as a pet instead of killing it.

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Player Discretion

DM - "Oh I forgot to use this one action, can I retroactively do it?"

Players - "We'll allow it."

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New Rules #1

"Goblins are connoisseurs in piss"

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Flavour text

When an enemy stepped on a landmine that one of the players threw on the floor.

DM - "Okay, describe the explosion."

Player - "...Boom?"

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Roach???

Our Centaur Monk - "I am going to run up the wall and backflip off so that I land on the opposite platform."

DM - "Horse physics, activate!"

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Odd DM #idkanymore

DM - "I don't know what it is about my sessions but there are just some moments where there are no filters."

Player - "You allowed a dildo-firing rifle to exist. There's no going back."

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A fantastic rendition of our D&D party as Drawn by our Cleric (@Cl4ptr4sh)

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The trouble with old age...

DM - "As you hit the corrupted Treant you become infected with wood-blight."

Aged Goblin Cleric - "Damn it, I have erectile dysfunction!"

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Get fucked Pythagoras

Player 1 - If the enemy is on a platform 60 feet above mine how far back would I need to go to be able to see her?

Player 2 - Well if we use the Pythagorean theorem...

DM - Just eyeballing it, from there she would probably have 3/4 cover from you.

Player 1 - I ignore 3/4 cover because of my Sharpshooter ability.

Player 3 - Get fucked Pythagoras!

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Extradimensional gloryhole

After our monk learned to use Banishing Strike...

Player - "What if you accidentally activated that while you were jerking off and just sent your penis to the ethereal plane?"

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According to all known laws of Alienation...

The party met a symbiotic alien life form that could create living metal creatures.

Symbiote - "There is a range to the connection. It is the same as if a bee travels miles from it's hive, it will be confused and not know what to do."

Player - "And it might marry a human woman."

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LARPing

When asked what he was doing on his turn the rogue decided to hide... literally.

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Discrimination against the demonic

After the party encountered a family of demons living on a farm.

Player - "I really want to kill them but I don't want it to be racism."