essay 5
it spills from your skin
If you’re interested in the explicit, this is the place for you. If you’re not, feel free to skip this essay. Our first installment involves Lise’s explanation that this is in posting order, not chronological, so we will happily play hopscotch as we enjoy. Written as a tumblr challenge, each chapter title will inform us what we will be encountering. In chapter three, we notably make a stop at ‘first time’, with the author’s clarification that we’ll be dealing with penetrative sex. One thing to appreciate about the writing itself is the distinct voice and quality we’ve become accustomed to is deliciously continued throughout the thread of these installments. That is not always the case when we go from plot and character development to steamy bedroom scenes.
We run into some trouble in chapter 7:
Loki’s chest heaved once, and Steve felt suddenly unsure.
"—Loki," he said, carefully, but Loki’s hand loosened in his hair and slid back.
"Go," he said, and his voice was definitely rough now. "Don’t you dare - not now-" His hips bucked up into Steve’s hand, and his legs came up and locked around Steve’s back, pulling him closer, his heels digging in.
Its a flicker, barely enough to notice. Why did Steve feel unsure, and what was it that Steve saw to make him that way? Loki was no help, though, insisting they need not be interrupted. Not much later, Steve included just a bit of pain, and it clearly sparked something in Loki. What that was, though, remains a mystery at this point.
A scarce written kink, telepathy sex, is almost perfect for both Steve and Loki. Of course, Steve is at a public function when chapter 8 starts to ramp up. Its all in good humor, and you almost feel bad for Steve, were it not for his enjoyment of the thing. Chapter 10 finds a needy Loki and a leisurely Steve. That neediness quick takes an interesting turn:
But this didn’t hurt, and his [Loki’s] entire body was pulsing with powerful need and his cock was hard and leaking despite hardly having been touched. There was a fluttery feeling like panic in his chest.
"I don’t want to hurt you," Steve said, quietly, and a large part of Loki wanted to howl you’re hurting me now. But it was good, so good, so damned good that he couldn’t bear it, it was too much, too intense, too - he panted, raggedly, straining between Steve’s hand and his cock, too much not enough, breaking open between them.
There is something brewing within Loki and his desperate need for more, for harder and faster and manic, almost. Steve seems somewhat oblivious.
A brief foray into D/s elements in chapter 11 is something of a gift for Loki. He clearly loves it, coming apart for his captain easily. One thing that becomes clear about Loki is hi penchant for the verbose is as much of a sexual characteristic as it is out of the bedroom. And, Steve enjoys it deeply. It’s something of a theme that’s touched on throughout these installments.
"What are you planning," Steve asked, not quite in accusation.
Its a question Steve poses to Loki on more than one occasion. Understandably, Loki seems to always have plans when it comes to sex with Steve. But, it does bely his needing to have a sense of control as much as it’s a sampling of his personality staying true even in intimate settings. If you’re a fangirl of this work like I am (did I just give myself away?) the ending of chapter 13 will make you squeal in delight:
"All right," he mumbled. "Just a couple hours." He felt good. Relaxed. At ease. The words just slipped out of him. "I love you."
The world was rapidly receding, and he didn’t hear Loki’s reply.
Chapter 15 starts with tension. Angst. Turns out Steve had been out of touch due to, you know, being Captain America sometimes, and Loki has been left to fret. It’s a scene that makes Loki more relatable, more approachable. Even a god is not immune to things such as grief and doubt. But we’re quickly reminded he’s...well, basically a god.
"For the past twenty-four hours I have been engaged in an internal debate regarding how best to tear your realm apart to find your killer," Loki said, his voice perfectly flat. Steve felt a shiver crawl down his spine.
Or at least, powerful. Loki’s going along with things, mostly out of a desire to be near to Steve, but at times we forget who we are dealing with.
Steve realizes its fear that spurs Loki into action, kissing his captain messy and frantic. Their coupling is sweet and everything they seem to need to mend Loki’s now unbroken heart. Still there is a dose of reality as we wind down: "Good," Loki said, still sounding blurry, exhausted. "I can’t - not now. I’ve lost enough."
Steve’s heart hurt, but he shifted slightly so he could slide his arms around Loki. Even knowing it wasn’t a promise he could make, he still said it. “You’re not going to lose me.”
Moving forward, Loki is allowed some time with Steve outside of his ‘cage’. Almost immediately we see Loki’s self hatred.
"Are you ashamed?" he asked, and heard his own voice slide a little too close to something too revealing. Steve gave him a sharp look and shook his head.
"No," he said at once, vehemently, though Loki still felt a cautious twinge. I wouldn’t blame you if you were.
Its heartbreaking, but there’s realism in there, too. Steve was an Avenger, after all, and was practically fraternizing with the enemy with a hall-pass from the rest of the team. Even after risque sexual acts, Loki is self-depricating.
You don’t deserve this, a little voice at the back of his mind reminded him. Pretend all you like. But look at him. He’ll see it eventually.
Loki pushed the thought away. Probably, yes. But until then…he would take what he could have.
The threaded theme through many of these installments is the mystery of what is going on under Loki’s surface. From the end of chapter 17: Steve flushed, and if there was warm wave of relief that went through him at the absence of that feral, frantic edge from Loki’s eyes, it didn’t quite wash away the feeling underneath that something had happened and he didn’t know what it was.
The next chapter leads us to a scene that takes place after reflected in someone like me, wherein Loki helps the avengers take down Amora and gets kissed by Steve...and then some. It is the next morning and Loki wakes to Steve’s sleeping form. It is a sweet scene, one that stands out especially in the context of the previous day. Up next, Loki whisks Steve away after an incident while fighting. There’s a bright little nugget for the reader.
"You know that’s not what I’m talking about. They’re going to see it as…you thinking you can just ignore the rules when you feel like it."
Loki smiled, and it felt a little too wide. “I can, can’t I?”
One can easily picture that smile. A little toothy maybe, and certainly Loki’s equivalent as a smile for the cameras; you can picture Tom Hiddleston as Loki absolutely perfectly.
Chapter 19 is a divergence from the theme of this part of RTC. Again, Loki extracts Steve from peril, and while they argue, nothing ultimately seems to be resolved. Loki ends the scene imagining that its almost simply only a matter of time until this unravels and he loses Steve, though not in as many words. Steve, in the next part, admits to what is essentially a predilection for the sound of Loki’s voice. It’s come up here and there previously, and...well, no one can really blame Steve. Loki gets vivid, graphic even, and it ends unexpectedly sweet.The sweetness of chapter 22 is in Steve’s bashfulness, and Loki’s rare delight. Its a passionate coupling, to be sure, one for the sketchbooks. There’s an interesting moment in the following chapter:
"Are you offering because you feel that otherwise you will not have reciprocated appropriately?" Loki asked, bluntly, and he felt Steve start.
"—what? No, that’s not-" Steve sounded almost indignant. "—you seem to like it," he said, shifting toward stubborn, and Loki opened his eyes to see that look on his face. "I’d like to try it."
Loki gave him a long, slow look. There was a slight flush in Steve’s cheeks, but his mouth was set and his eyes were almost determined, and that expression made his blood warm. You’re not ashamed? He almost wanted to ask, but he suspected that would open a door he didn’t want opened.
(It would be too difficult to explain - everything, from there.)
There’s a vulnerability here that Steve doesn’t realize he touched on, Loki’s far too good at keeping things off his face. Loki at least considers saying as much, but ultimately decides against it. A character as guarded as Loki still needs a richness to him and the author does it here quite well. After Steve’s first time bottoming…
"Wow," Steve mumbled, after a few moments of silence, sounding a little dazed. "I think I…I think I need a minute." Loki could feel his softening cock sliding in his own come and didn’t want to pull out, wanted to stay like this and just have a moment to think mine.
He kissed Steve’s shoulder, open-mouthed, and thought I love you as hard as he dared, but couldn’t say it, still. Not yet. Not just yet. Chapter 24 is a turn from the rampantly satisfying smut. This chapter warnings for some implied/discussed self-harm, body dysphoria, internalized racism...you know, all that fun stuff. Please be aware that this section of the essay may include discussions of the above.
Steve finds bloodied glass pieces in the bathroom Steve swallowed the lump in his throat. “Loki,” he said, slowly. “Are you…in there?” Silence, and Steve felt the first flutter of panic. What had happened? "I need you to say something. You’re worrying me." He shouldn’t have left, Steve thought guiltily, he should have stayed and made sure…
"I am here. I am fine. Get out." Loki’s voice sounded strained, and Steve’s stomach churned uneasily.
Eventually Loki opens the door, Steve finding him in his Jotun form for the first time. Steve is, well, he’s Steve about it.
Loki fell still, chest rising and falling rapidly. He didn’t step toward Steve, though. His eyes were wide, but after a moment he rearranged his features into a sneer. “You needn’t hide your disgust. Are you not - repulsed?”
Steve felt a pang, and shook his head, slow but firm. “No,” he said, and met Loki’s eyes, was able to say with honesty, “It’s a surprise, but I still think you’re beautiful.”
Loki is upset nonetheless. Steve shows him how serious he is about his claim on Loki’s beauty, though we certainly don’t expect it to stick. Loki is too self-deprecating for that. While that is a common theme, there are scenes throughout that easily counterbalance it, leaving these thirty chapters more than just gratuitous smut. Its beauty, hard and ugly at times, but there’s a strength in Steve and Loki that, when combined, is absolutely spellbinding.
In a repeating theme, Steve knocks on Loki’s door to someone other than Loki; or so it seems. A woman answers, but Steve figures it out quickly. It turns out to be something of an anniversary surprise. Steve is uncomfortable throughout, but when he sees Loki’s smile, he knows it's just Loki.
Our next chapter is a throwback to ‘disarm’. Loki is in the throes of a dream, or perhaps some kind of psychosis, (or a magical creation) between hiding places. It is a brutal fantasy, full of a glimmer of dark!Steve, or at least, how Loki imagined Steve would have to be to want him. It is brutal to imagine how much pain and fear there must be inside of Loki to picture Steve in such a way.
There are elements of the underneath going on in chapter 28.
“A little danger. Why else would you take up with me in the first place?” Steve felt a twinge and wanted suddenly to object, but then Loki hummed into his skin and he lost the thought. “Knowing all the risks…”
This was important, though, and Steve pushed the words out. “Because I know you can be better!”
He felt Loki stiffen, but only for a moment, and then he laughed and his hands slid away from Steve’s wrists. He couldn’t move them, though, Steve realized, and felt a rush of mingled arousal and just a touch of nerves. It was so easy to forget sometimes how powerful Loki was but he was still…
"Better than what?" Loki said, with that playful, dangerous amusement Steve remembered from their earliest days, and then his fingers were sliding down over Steve’s chest, following the center line of his body. "I’ve been good enough for you, haven’t I?" He bent his head and slid down a little, lowered his mouth and flicked his tongue against the bud of one of Steve’s nipples. "Perhaps a little convincing?"
Steve sucked in a breath. “I’m not that corruptible,” he said, sweating, still feeling self-conscious.
Its Loki’s claim of being convincing, however you know the ruse is up. There’s no pretending here, even Steve ignores the comment. To Loki, though, its possible he’s convincing himself.
Our final chapter starts with some bondage. The vulnerabilities of it creep up until Loki demands a kiss.
Loki felt himself stiffen, his breath snagging. Something almost like panic fluttered wildly in his chest, but then Steve dropped his mouth again, fastened his lips to Loki’s bared throat and sucked in slow, firm tugs, each drawing blood up to the surface of his skin, each pull answered down between his legs. He tugged against the bonds again, but they didn’t give. His heart was starting to pound, and-
Steve’s hands slid up and wrapped around his biceps. “Let it go,” he said lowly, and Loki fell perfectly still. “Trust me.” His body was close and warm over Loki’s, not quite pressing down against him. “Let me - take care of you.”
Let it go. His thoughts shifted, realigned. You’re helpless. There’s nothing you can do but ride it.
He felt suddenly, perfectly weightless.
Easily, Steve works his body. He works Loki into heated want, and promises to take care of him with more than just words. The undercurrent of of Loki’s tension, pain, and need comes to a satisfying close. "That’s it," Steve said, though his voice sounded shaky now, too. "Just…" Loki wasn’t going to last long at all. His cock jutted out, steel-hard and thought rapidly being subsumed by need. Steve moved again, as promised, this thrust longer but just as slow, and then again, need building and building.
"Steve!" Loki cried, and he felt the quiver of Steve’s body over him.
"Just feel it," Steve said. "Just feel it and let go," and his body moved in one more long, slow, thrust, deeper than before, his fingers curling gently around Loki’s cock.
He was gone. His eyes slammed shut and orgasm shuddered through him, and he was overwhelmed, almost swept away, but it truly felt like release.
He wrapped his legs around Steve’s hips to keep his cock inside him, his hips rocking to pull Steve over the edge as well, until it was just the two of them, tangled together in the fading afterglow.
Happy Valentines Day :)