Context: I can no longer hold all my emotions and feelings inside because it is eating me alive so now, I am turning to the void of the vast internet where my words can blossom and flow about, maybe someone can relate, maybe many canāt, this is more for me to cease breaking apart from the inside out. No names from my personal life will be utilized and honestly, I hope someone out there sees this and maybe, just maybe, they know theyāre not alone. I work in the veterinary medicine field.Ā
The morning begins slowly and thereās a moment of happiness because familiar faces are in office today, new friends who have accepted me as more than the new employee. I have an identity with them. As a nice offering, one of the seniors who is a bit rugged but seemingly harmless has dug through the burrows of her closet the night before and washed an old jacket with our company name for me to wear around the job and battle the cold of early spring and late winter; a thoughtful task.Ā
The first nail that digs into my skin today is the client that I cannot please. A dog that needs fluids drained from its stomach, a follow up appointment requested. There is no urgency nor sense of emergency in the manās voice, annoyed and entitled. Our schedule is filled beyond measure, but I always want to try no matter the odds. Or I try when I know there is a slim chance of being yelled at. He rudely hangs up the phone in a childish manner when my offer of making him our very first client tomorrow is not good enough, leaving my cheeks flushed and a chill on my spine -- this stupid feeling whenever I feel nervous, embarrassed, or just downright angry. Yet, thereās nothing I can do. I do what I believe is right and speak to the main head about the client that hung up, and end up arranging the schedule for this asshole. His wife answers and the problem has apparently been solved, with them getting what they want regardless of being rude and ignorant towards me. My feelings of ice fire remains.Ā
The second nail. It digs in deeper than the first drawing blood and gnawing into muscle. I am under the impression that I have a break despite it being a half day, I am used to a part-time schedule from my previous job and all assumed that I knew the rules and regulations of this labyrinth of pettiness and forked tongues. A woman who already has her eyes narrowed and angered on the usual blows up about the situation rather than coming to me in a professional manner and discussing the incident. I come up at the exact moment to catch wind of the yapping to one of my friends. I take my lukewarm lunch to the phone with the slower computer and try to attempt calling people back. I barely bring out my food and there I am pelted with the third nail.Ā
The third nail. It blinds me, tearing across the cornea even. Completely left field. The senior, despite her kindness earlier, has decided that now was the perfect time to dig her nails into me alike the rest. A phone is heard in the other room, she mistakes it for my own and scolds me like an insolent child. Expressing that despite me eating, I should be answering the phone. I didnāt even get a bite, my hand slowly lowering what would have been my first bite. My timid, quiet retaliation falls on deaf ears, and I cannot defend myself. They have a beautiful and joyous rest of their day, laughing and gargling their stupid gossip and chatter. I feel like Iām ready to tear into two, the fire in my stomach burning hotter and hotter, then, my cheeks flush. The infamous burning across the bridge of my nose signifies that I will begin to cry soon. And I do. I choke back my sobs, tears slipping down my face and onto the desk as I put away my food in fear. There is a client I have to put on hold, unable to get myself together and match their antics with advice. Going to to my ally within the whole vicinity, I break. Holding back the volume in my voice, days of pain seep through the seems and leave me exposed. Always exposed. My emotions hang off of my sleeves like an oversized jacket, always ready to brush against someone and catch their attention.Ā
I wanted to disappear. I wanted to leave in that moment. Here I am harboring all this ice fire, all this embarrassment and anger, and they all can laugh and continue on as if there is no repercussion, seemingly finding satisfaction and grace in pulling someone down into the dirt. Theyāre awful. Itās unbelievable. Itās pitiful.Ā
My words fall on deaf ears. Sometimes I wonder what I sound like. How do my coworkers hear me when they decide to pluck down a polite and happy soul? How do my parents hear me when they decide that I am incorrect despite knowledge beyond their years? What is it in my voice that grants others the power and ability to bring me down?Ā
Niceness has gotten me far, and it has become my worst enemy. So here I lay. Burning up inside and freezing all at once. Here I lay in my cold flames.Ā
Tomorrow is another day.Ā
