* 𝒔𝒐𝒎𝒆 𝒏𝒊𝒈𝒉𝒕𝒔 , 𝒔𝒉𝒆’𝒔 𝒐𝒌𝒂𝒚 . or at least – pretending that she is comes a lot easier . it’s rare for her to allow that to slip in front of others ( usually so preoccupied with them to even think of her own losses ) … but there are nights like this , when jacob is tucked safely away , that the weight of it all becomes unbearable . suffocating in grief , she tries her best to wipe away the tears – stood in her bedroom mirror and scrubbing angrily at her face with calloused hands . she is no longer soft , she is no longer pure . sam enters , and she gasps , immediately turning away with a flash of brunette hair . but she doesn’t open her mouth to tell im to leave . she wouldn’t .
the hunt they had teamed up on was a tough one for her , as are any vampire related incidents . crystal had thought that she hid it well , but … that was obviously not the case . his presence alone had frightened her free of tears , and when he speaks she manages to turn and look him in the eye . a faltering smile of her own tries its best to stay firm , grateful for the common understanding he has to offer . young mother sniffles , arms crossing over her body in a self soothing hug . “ i know … ” crys nods , swallowing . and she does – her bloodsoaked introduction to all of this still plays on repeat when her eyes so much as blink . “ i’ll be fine – really . i can handle this . ” she has to . after all , her soul is already damned , what good is everything she has been through if she doesn’t use it to help people ?
────── hazel fixates on the streaks of salt on her cheeks , the slight shake of her shoulders as he speaks , the way that her body attempts to soothe itself ────── there’s a kindness in her heart that hunting had never been able to steal away , the type that offers tears rather than fury . sam had been like that long ago , before the love of his life had been ripped from his arms , before he’d watched her burn on the roof of their shared apartment ; all empathy had been replaced by the cold - hearted hunter that stood before her now , a shell of the man that he’d once been , a mirror of the father that he’d so desperately hated during his adolescence . sam can’t help but wonder when the anguish twists into something more foreign , when the pain fades away and the job becomes easier , or if it ever happens in the first place ⁽ ʲᵒʰⁿ ʷᵃˢ ˢᵗⁱˡˡ ᵃ ʷʳᵉᶜᵏ ᶠʳᵒᵐ ᵗʰᵉ ˡᵒˢˢ ᵒᶠ ᵐᵃʳʸ , ᵒⁿˡʸ ʰⁱˢ ᵍʳⁱᵉᶠ ʰᵃᵈ ᵇᵉᶜᵒᵐᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ˢᵗᵃʳᵗ ᵒᶠ ʰⁱˢ ᵃˡᶜᵒʰᵒˡⁱˢᵐ ᵃⁿᵈ ˢᵃᵈⁱˢᵐ ⁻⁻⁻ ˢᵃᵐ ʳᵉᶠᵘˢᵉᵈ ᵗᵒ ˢᵉᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵃʳᵃˡˡᵉˡˢ ᵇᵉᵗʷᵉᵉⁿ ʰⁱˢ ᵒʷⁿ ᵉˣⁱˢᵗᵉⁿᶜᵉ ⁿᵒʷ ⁾ ; she’d mentioned that vampire hunts were always harder , but he can’t help but wonder if it’s because of how human they appear at the end of the day . ❝ some of us don’t have the stomach to be murderers . ❞ he’s grossly misreading the situation and the sadness ridden on her features , but he can’t help but wonder how maternal instinct could combat the work that they’re doing ; the need to protect tainted by the thirst for vengeance and blood .
❝ not everyone has to become a hunter . there are other ways to help , without getting your hands dirty . ❞ and maybe dean wouldn’t agree , but crystal seemed relatively new to this life , and sam thinks that she deserves another option ; maybe he hadn’t lost his humanity altogether . ❝ there are researchers out there , who help hunters with the work that they do . networkers who keep us all connected . . . there’s more than this life out there for you , for jacob . ❞ and maybe it’s sam’s own selfishness taking over , his own resentment toward being raised into this lifestyle , his desperation for attempts at normalcy taking over completely .
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