Leapyear

[rumi2012-blog]

grief

Hi Rumi, Antioch University Seattle is awesome. It feels like home, like a bigger more serious but just as authentic Leapyear, in a way. A lot fewer hugs and a lot fewer tears... but all the feelings are there. One of my classes is the Foundations: The Great Turning. We explore our place in the great turning towards a more conscious society. As part of the process, we must move through, honor and acknowledge the pain of the world, the grief that gets swept up in the dust. Randy (professor) asks, how do we maintain our gaze with the grief of the world? It reminded me of India and how another student of Antioch had said something like, "India will rip your skin off - whatever you do, do not let it grow back." While reading a powerful retelling of Randy's experience in Japan in seeing the grief and ever present effects of Hiroshima, I really felt the pain split me down the middle. While watching a video of Joanna Macy walking us through a breathing exercise to "breathe the pain through" I just sat there crying. I cannot even begin to comprehend the grief of the world because it is so immensely deep, and I do not know how not to get lost in it. Joanna Macy says that gratitude will ground us, but I am having a really really hard time getting that bit. 

I'm not really sure what my purpose is in sharing this, but I think I just want to remind people to wake up and see. Just like the 3 day body workshop, I have to let the pain the anger the grief come through me, and me through it. I can't go around it, above it, under it. No, I haven't found the balance between finding a way to be cracked open and still protect my heart, but I am sure I'm headed that way. Do you know that 5000 people died of radiation disease from the A bomb over a decade after it had gone off? And more after that. Did you know that for those that experienced it first hand and lived, they experience it again and again every single night as if it had happened all over again? Did you know that the most renoun African shaman visited the Hiroshima memorial center and in feeling the grief, chose to take responsibility for the destruction America caused Japan? I sure as hell didn't know. And there is so, so, so much more. I'm scared. I'm scared of this process. I'm scared I won't be able to handle it, not know what to do with the pain and let it destroy me. But maybe more, I'm scared I won't do anything about it, and just pretend it isn't there. 

I had originally reached out feeling in need of support, but now, I think I just need to know that people care and are going to really look and do something about the state of the world. For the record, I am in no way minimizing the effect of the good and the healing. It is only by knowing the sure existence of such healing that I feel brave enough to really see the hard stuff.  Everyone is doing something to contribute to healing the world. What are you doing to help this process along? With so many questions and a heart cracked open wide,

Tiff

[rumi2012-blog]

skeleton poem 3

I am changed. When I began this journey I was uncertain, even so I will always be curious, with open eyes I will never again be sure of what I don't know We are all on our own journey of being Human Students of the universe, as one Tribe Sometimes we become confused and storm Always someone is reminded of our oneness We are here. Days fill us with light and new experiences Nights give us rest, mystery Moons pass Sunrises awaken us to now. We are in (deep) India, sacred, holy, raw. People and  Places rush in and out of Our awareness We give what we can We take what is graciously offered Service to others and to ourselves Solidarity polishes our being as Charity subtly tarnishes us. Unity keeps us strong in This journey we are on. I wish I wish I wish... I should stop wishing and go make my wishes happen... I could, I would, I will.

[rumi2012-blog]

skeleton poem 2

My fortune has evolved into something so much brighter My priviledges I now reevaluate & appreciate My gift from my experiences has surpassed man Boundaries Diversity shows up everywhere Kinship makes us the tribe that  we are. Children, Grandfathers, Grandmothers, walk in and out, forever a part of us Respect, reach out in every direction to every Home I used to think I knew everything I used to know so little I can't ever understand how everything works When I was a child I saw things so simply Now I realize how precious perception is Growing up means ferfecting that child-like wonder (even in the midst of darkness) Taking ownership is part of being real My power is what I see and what I hold My responsibility is however much I own As I blossom and  As I gain experience on This journey, I want to be exactly where I am each moment, I want to give whatever I can give each moment, I want to learn with open eyes and a tender heart I will be willing I am becoming We are travelers, each on our own journey, being and becoming

[rumi2012-blog]

I understand this fall holds many new things for several people in this group. I pray that the god of your understanding grants you all everything you deserve, because you all are deserving of so much.

Eli

Put so beautifully, Eli. Thank you for your perspective, your words. Much love.

[rumi2012-blog]

heart

Hi dear rumians I left Seattle a few weeks ago with the intention to explore my connection with my heart and with the now. Thus, the whole 'one way ticket with no idea when I'll be back or where I'm going next' thing. And, I still don't know where I'm going next, or when I'll be back. And that is perfectly okay. I like this uncertainty - rather, this acceptance that I can never really know anyway (so might as well not worry about it). I've found a way to practice the same acceptance in other things in terms of finances, relationships, etc. I've been enjoying people while I'm with them without getting caught up in analyzing, judging, and categorizing. So much richness. And, I also found the feeling of being in awe again. It's such a delicious feeling, to be in awe, in wonder. I've been thinking a lot about what Sam and Cassie said about letting yourself truly have yourself. Ever since they had said that first retreat, I had been really worried that I didn't know how to go about having myself. Up until recently I've been thinking it means being truly alone for a while and really deep relationship with myself. I think it's still something along those lines, but less about the alone part. So far my conclusion is that having myself doesn't have to mean isolating myself and forcing myself to face and love myself. It means truly having my heart "hizzled" as my counselor would say. (Hsl = heard seen loved). It means I'm open and receptive to my heart, acknowledging its/my needs, and loving it/myself. The best way I've heard it so far is from Alyssa, and her intention to inhabit her heart. (inhabit: to live in, to be present in, to fill. To dwell.) I think I have since adopted that intention that, to me, also means having myself. So far, I really like having myself, and I am still enjoying the process of letting. I feel a lot of love today so I'm gonna fill a bunch of balloons up with some and send them to you guys. -Tiff

[rumi2012-blog]

Hey all! Miss you! I'm writing from Maacama and feeling how all of you have touched my life. Life continually beckons us forward, to trust more, surrender more, and LIVE more! As I feel into the struggle and the grace of continually rising to be more myself, I have a lot of gratitude for all of you rise within me as well. You all have touched my heart deeply and I feel more alive, more called, and more myself since y'all have graced me with your Life! This is an ode to the gratitude that I feel for being transformed by all of you. I feel so grateful to have met each of you and to have gone on a seriously big journey with each of you. For you Seva students, we still got the last leg in front of us and I am so grateful to have more "formal" time. Thank YOU for having the courage to rise to a new level and transform your lives. I am inspired by all of the ground you've all covered, inner and outer. May we all know we are doing really well, no matter the circumstances, and that we are leaning the lessons life wishes us to embody and carry on to gift to others. May we all have the best rest and end of summer and may we all LEAP gloriously and powerfully into our next chapter. The way I feel is there are some giant waves coming in and we all are at the right place at the right time. We are the one's we've been waiting for! Surfs up brothers and sisters. We are IN for the ride of our lives : ) To the possibility of living full out, in total service to the greatest good, and having the best time of our lives being our authentic original selves. Loving you all and giving you a big Hug from Maacama : ) Ya Fatah! May the Way OPEN!! Kyle : )

Kyle - I love you and respect you and thank you infinitesimally. Surf on, brother. Ya Fattah!

[rumi2012-blog]

Post-Rumi Update: The Journey Continues

Hey dear people,

I finally feel sane and settled enough to safely/comfortably express where I'm at.  Honestly, I'm doing pretty well. I see my counselor every Monday and Wednesday morning. Seeing myself in the many mirrors he provides is like a too-hot-sauna and a river bath combined. A lot of it is rather uncomfortable and scary. And then so much of it is just pure and sweet.

Main challenges have been responding vs reacting and not continuing the same dance of pain and anger (Dance of Anger is a book I'm reading by Harriet Lerner), setting clear boundaries of what I am willing and not willing to do, stating my needs, and not over-functioning (like taking responsibility for how others feel or react). My relationship with my mom and my brother is shifting palpably, and it's awesome. I'm learning to respect my brother as his own person and not trying to protect him or be responsible for him. Essentially I'm redefining what I want in relationships (starting with myself, of course, and then my family, etc).

The best part? I'm letting me happen. I'm letting Tiffany happen, unfold, come into fullness, whatever. It feels really solid. I feel stronger in myself, and just really...at home in myself. 

I started apprenticing with a woodworker. He's teaching me how to build tables. I am in love with the magic of wood. My passion for wood was just a little too great to ignore, hehe. Now I'm also considering a 5 quarter cabinet making program at Seattle Central.

Redefining relationships also means a lot of hard decisions, and challenging conversations. I'm struggling in this field with Matti because he clearly can't give me what I want in a relationship because his greatest want is to become a doctor, not to create something deep with me. I have to respect that, and it's really hard because I don't believe it's an all or nothing kind of thing. (Also, I'm exploring the world of polyamory since I do have more than one romantic relationship.)

I'm still journaling every morning and evening and keeping a dream diary and writing appreciation lists.

So yeah...I feel good and am enjoying things for what they are in this moment. (And, it just feels like I'm continuing my journey that may or may not have began with 30 students standing in the dark staring up at the stars. )

love,

tiff

p.s. I miss fresh baked bread and overly sweet chai.

[rumi2012-blog]

I Fell in Love with India

I feel like going to India is like Falling in Love.

You see India for the first time and you can't forget India.

You are intrigued by India and you find India strange and bizarrely beautiful.

You spend every day with India.

You want to discover everything you possibly can about India.

You want to know where India has been and where India wants to go.

You want to go there too.

You want to uncover India's deepest darkest secrets.

You want to share yours with India.

You want to be taken places by India and take India places.

You want to help India grow and you want India to help you grow too.

You want India to fill you up and you want to fill up India.

You want to get creative and make change with India.

You get very frustrated and angry at India sometimes.

You blame India sometimes.

Other times you blame yourself.

You don't always get India.

Maybe you feel India doesn't get you.

But you can't help but love India and build a deep set connection with India.

You're simply crazy about India. There's no denying it.

Then you have to leave India.

When you're away from India, you can't stop thinking about India.

You try to tell your friends all about how India was but sometimes you find the words don't come.

You miss India deeply.

You may cry for India.

You want to go back to India.

It's hard to let go of India.

You see things every day that remind you of India which can often bring you deep melancholy.

But once and a while, those little reminders might make you smile softly.

You start to be able to look back at your time with India without feeling like you're missing something or that there's a hole somewhere in you.

You come to realize that India is part of you now.

You understand that you will never truly loose India completely.

You know that life in India will continue without you but that part of India will always be waiting for you and willing to accept you back into the fold with open arms.

You realize that even if you forget some things about India, like what color India's eyes were   or what flowers grew in India's gardens, the lessons that India taught you or the realizations you had when India was around are stuck to you like glue.

You feel so grateful for the time you had with India.

You can't imagine what your life would be had you not been with India.

You thank India for India's many gifts.

You can accept that you can never get that time with India back but that you can walk forward with all that India has taught you.

It's a fucking love story, I swear. I feel you, Kaya, and I know you and India will see each other again someday.

All my Love and Best Wishes,

Emma.

------------------------------------------------

Dear Emma,

I fucking love you.

Love,

Tiff

[rumi2012-blog]

Love is Our Cross - John Gorka

Sending love to all my brother and sisters.

[rumi2012-blog]

Chart of Emotions

:)

[rumi2012-blog]

Everytime I look at this picture (currently my desktop background), my heart expands with love, joy, longing, hope, everything beautiful and warm. I love and miss each one of you.

[rumi2012-blog]

End of Year Final Self Evaluation

What did you do? How well did you do it? What became important to you as the year progressed that surprised you? What experiences let you know how you have grown? What experiences changed you? Where did you resist change?

            Over this past year I began my quest into myself. I looked in the mirror and stood vulnerable before others, before myself. I reached out and dared to call someplace home. I took a deep breath and jumped into an ocean of question marks and ellipses. I’m still swimming around in it. I listened to my intuition and went someplace unexpected, learned lessons unexpected, met people completely unexpected, and found new dreams and paths unexpected. I became more comfortable with not knowing.   

            Understanding men has also become very important to me. In talking about the lineage of pain passed from mother to daughter and standing in the circles of what I need men/ women/ humans to hear, I’ve been trying to see things from the middle. I don’t like talking about this lineage of pain without acknowledging the same about men. Creating genuine relationships with such an authentic group of men during this past year has really given me a new perspective into a man’s heart. That is something I want to continue to explore. Part of the lineage seems to be a general resentment of men. The men I’ve gotten to know here have showed me that that resentment is not really fair to hold about men in general. (This is a big tangent but I’d really like to point out that the environment in which sperm is created does make an imprint on the child that emerges. Thus, how my dad was in his relationship to women, to my mother, to himself, to the world, etc was all imprinted on my brother at the time he generated sperm to be sent out into my mother the day of my brother’s conception. Thus, men do carry a lineage as well, just on a more subtle and more confined scale. For instance, women have an entire lifetime to fill their life with healing and love to balance out the pain and hurt. Men have only a day to really find that warm place for their future children, if that makes sense. [Or they wait til they’ve reached enlightenment at the age of seventy seven before donating their sperm to a woman.] So I think that women could benefit from being aware of that and seeing how we’re really all the same in that we all carry the past in us. We all carry some memories from our fathers as we do from our mothers. And it’s not fair to only examine and hold the lineage of women, when men have theirs too.) This desire to almost defend men from women has surprised me in that there are many feminist streaks in me. Yet it does not surprise me in that I feel a strong masculine presence in me and get along with men more easily than with women.

            I think seeing things from as many perspectives as I can has become really important for me this year as well. In time of feeling hurt this past year, I have really tried to feel my way through my own pain and then look at others and see how it is not their fault and to see where their experience is as well. I think this is part of being responsible. I’m not sure how it connects, but being open minded and giving people the benefit of the doubt feels right in terms of me being a respectful and responsible human. 

            I know I have grown at least a little bit because I called my best friend yesterday to tell her I can’t keep my promise of taking her to Canada the day after I get back. I felt really nervous that she would be mad at me and blame me for ditching last minute. I also felt bad because I know how much she wanted someone to go with her, and how excited she was. This dilemma really is embodied by this stanza in the Invitation by Oriah. “It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to remain true to yourself, if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul, if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.” That stanza has sat with me very patiently ever since Daisy first recited the poem for us in first retreat. Speaking my truth, gently but firmly saying no, very clearly shows me that things are moving in me in a positive, serving direction.

            I most definitely resisted change multiple times throughout the retreat. Even just by holding back a small portion of truth is a form of resisting change. Resisting change is not necessarily about not wanting to change, but rather fear and uncertainty of it, or lack of self-confidence to change. This is definitely core belief stuff. A particular instance where I definitely resisted work/ the gulp was the first day of body workshops. I did not choose go to through the work, rather I chose to go around it. Other instances were where I chose not to interact with others and to just be alone. Not every time I choose to be alone is against my growth, just there have been times where I have consciously chosen not to interact with others because I don’t want to be vulnerable or deal with feelings. I’ve also resisted change in my academics by missing opportunities to really explore the subjects offered. In fall quarter I know that each weekly essay had a lot to explore, yet I did not take them seriously.

What was the theme of your year? How did this show up during your semester, during your internship and during your retreats? What were the different themes for each portion of your year? How did it change as you developed new skills in communication?

            The theme of honesty with self and letting go of expectations definitely came up again and again. It began even just with the decision to defy the common next step of entering traditional university straight out of high school. Throughout India the theme was to speak my truth and not let fear of other people’s expectations and judgments hold me back. When I got back home in winter, I immediately faced a challenge of speaking my truth of not feeling comfortable going to Taiwan, knowing the disappointment and anger my mom would have. I suppose it is appropriate to say that a theme of my year has been finding and exercising my “No”. Opportunity upon opportunity arose throughout my internship for me to try again. Even just last night, I realized I really couldn’t keep a promise to a friend without betraying what is true for me. Thus I called her and told her my truth with compassion. Also, my throughline for third retreat was about listening to and valuing what is true for me. Now, listening to and valueing my truth is still important. And, I am taking it a step deeper into what truly makes me happy and/or hungry. What is my deepest truth?

            Another theme, that may really be the same actually, is “to let”. To let myself have myself, to let myself speak my truth. A lot of my work is simply letting myself. To give myself permission to do whatever I need, whatever I want, whatever is nurturing. To let also applies to things and events outside of me. To let my future unfold. To let someone hold me. To let things be. To let…. There is a lot in that phrase that I am still discovering.

What were your main challenges this year? What capacities were brought forth? How do you know you have changed?

            My main challenges this year were listening to and honoring my truth, speaking my needs, and speaking the entire truth without holding anything back. The first capacity brought forth from learning of my main challenges is awareness, of course. I can identify what I am doing when that feeling of self-betrayal rises up again. This awareness and acknowledgment keeps that feeling from dying, so that I can still trust my heart to tell me when it is unhappy. (Much like in the Alchemist when Santiago stops listening to his heart, his heart soon gives up on speaking to him at all.) 

I know I’ve changed, but I’m having a hard time explaining how I know. Learning about personas and core beliefs and my personal challenges has helped me identify them and begin the long journey to change them into something that will serve me instead. I have used my “no” on a few occasions, which have been scary and conscious choices that are also a major relief afterwards. I know I’ve changed because I don’t cringe when I think of the future. I don’t feel a need to run away as much as I feel a want to lean into something. That’s a very different feeling than last September, and definitely from last April. The qualia of “me” is different. I don’t feel sparkly and plastic as much as I did before. Some parts of me feel really rough, other parts feel cool and smooth, and other parts are scratchy and dried up, yet others are lush and velvety. I feel more textured, more real. I can clearly see the person that wrote that application over a year ago. I can see the young woman with long curly hair and skin tight jeans sitting in Sam’s office at the interview. I am so different. I am so happy to be able to say that, because it’s a good different. I am very sure about that.

What was your relationship and understanding of integrity before the program? How did it change after the first semester? After the Rite of passage? During your internship? Now? How did you monitor it? Where did you lose it? How did you get back on track?

            Before the program, the word integrity did not exist in my vocabulary. I did not understand what it meant, and never came face to face with it. All I knew was that were was a lot I did that I was ashamed of. I also knew that I couldn’t keep a promise to anyone, most importantly myself. After the first semester, I began to see the complex landscape of integrity and how textured mine was. Gaining awareness of it and learning how to see integrity and lack thereof also showed me possible inheritances I had not consciously seen before. I’m only becoming aware of this awareness as I think of it now, especially after talking about lineage this afternoon. I can see where much of my relationship to integrity follows in the footsteps of my dad. Letting myself down and not taking responsibility for myself is really just a repeat in the family history. The way I treat my mom and take her support for granted eerily reminds me of my dad’s lack of appreciation for her when they were married. I am choosing to step into integrity with myself and my values to not take my mother’s support for granted.

            After the rites of passage, the application of integrity to my life became more real. The biggest piece of becoming an adult, to me, is really owning responsibility for oneself. This is the point where how well I keep to my values essentially is no one’s business except mine. If I can stay true to myself and not betray myself, then I am being responsible for myself and staying in integrity with myself.

            Integrity with self is like the relationship (or maybe the relationship status) between my conscious self and my heart, or the source/ essence/ soul/ core. I am without a doubt out of integrity with myself for not stepping back into integrity with others I have broken agreements with. And by not being willing to actually open up about what agreements I have broken with whom, I am actually out of integrity with everyone I encounter. In other words, I don’t think one can truly be in integrity with others if he or she is not in integrity with themselves. This can easily get complicated so I’m going to leave it here, though there are many paths to explore in this neighborhood.

            It is fairly easy to monitor integrity with another. Simply see if you can look into their eyes and not shrink back. If it feels uncomfortable, there’s almost definitely something that needs to be spoken or done to clear the space.

What kind of communities did you build while traveling on your semester and then on your internship? What was different about these experiences? Were you able to surrender to the different experiences? How was that?

            In retreats and group travel, there really was a sense of conscious community created. This showed up in the circles we held. It came up in holding each other accountable to the agreements we made as a group, as a tribe, especially as an individual.

In Bodhgaya, the community we created had leaks with certain individuals out of integrity and consciously choosing not to step back in. In Varanasi, we had a more separated community where we each had a lot of space, but still came back together again and again. I really like this sort of community since I had more time to nourish myself without having to work to stay in positive, forwarding relation with others. In Rishikesh, we had a very vulnerable and holding community as each person opened up to the group through the process at Ramana’s Garden. However, having dengue put me in quarantine and thus isolated from the rest of the group during the most emotionally intense part of our group journey. I felt a lot of anxiety and isolation about that. I also felt a sense of injustice as feeling left out and not belonging has always been a challenge for me in group settings. I felt a deep resentment. I think I’ve since let go of that as it simply provided me an opportunity to rise up and meet others where they are, and bonding with them there, instead of in a controlled environment like at Dwabha’s.

At the beginning of my internship, I often took away from the conscious community by not being present and taking responsibility for my situation. Because I was unhappy there, I did not participate fully or communicate responsibly. Often I just went through the motions, which is the opposite of the intention of a conscious community. At the same time, I really tried to bring in gratitude and warmth into that environment by voicing my appreciations of people, holding an appreciation circle, and remembering to say thank you for the simple things. I was a big unhappy with the community for not having the same goals as me to really come together and connect on a deeper level. Because of this, I don’t think I fit myself into the community as well as I could have. Yet, I still feel that I contributed a lot even just by doing the dishes and making the salad. After the first five weeks, the atmosphere changed and it was just Sol, Celine, and me – and occasionally Sol’s wife. Sol and Celine were very very close and always played games with each other and talked about stuff I wasn’t privy to, thus leading me to feel a sense of not belonging again. It also just felt awkward since they had such a personal relationship that also seemed quite dependent and particular between someone my age and someone as old as Sol. I suppose one could say I surrendered by simply giving them their space and enjoying my own space.

The community at the café varied day to day depending on how everyone felt. I usually tried to bring a calming and curious presence to the day by finding joy in baking cakes and serving food to locals and tourists passing through. Putting up inspirational flyers helped add to that. Other days, I brought in nothing but heaviness and just stayed in the dish washing room. While I had a great deal of resistance at first due to power struggles at the beginning, I did grow to accept and surrender to the community created at the café (after certain people left).

At the Easter festival I attended at Prana retreat, I helped create an energetic, yet zen community by dancing unapologetically with fire for the first time in my life. I also brought with me a deep sense of calm I received from the ocean. I also added my healing work into the massage circle the volunteers held the last night. This community was very different in that we were all equals, all new to each other, all there because of a shared, safe environment. I had no trouble at all surrendering to this experience of community.

Describe your experiences relating to a daily practice and how our understanding of this evolved over the course of the year. Did you do it? What impact did participating in a practice have on your frame of mind? Ability to manifest your intentions?

            My experiences of daily practice evolved as I experienced it in different environments. In India, our travel group got together at 6:30 every morning to write morning pages together, then meditate, and do movement together. With the group to support me, I participated willingness and appreciatively. Near the end of our travels, we no longer wrote morning pages as a group, and I saw myself let go of the practice. I could feel the absence of morning practice and how it impacted me negatively in more ways than one. Morning practice really is a gift to oneself. No one expects me to do morning practice. No one really cares, and I don’t mean that in a negative way. The only person affected by my choice to do or not do morning practice is me. I either continue to collect more dirt on top of my essence, or I can start the long process of unveiling my true self now. Of course, I only realize this now, after a year of so many missed opportunities to nurture myself and take care of my heart. And, and, and, tomorrow is yet another day to grow and be who I want to be. Tomorrow can be a step closer, another step towards truth, if I so choose.

            There definitely is a relationship between daily practice and manifesting intentions. Days without practice practically guarantee no manifestation of intention, or great difficulty and resistance to it. Days with authentic practice really realigned me with my intentions and helped open the way to realizing them physically. Walking the labyrinth definitely proved the most effective with bigger or more difficult questions to work with. It gave me the reassurance and peace of mind to really follow through authentically. One day I asked, “What is my next step?” The answer was not clear, yet I took my first step out of the labyrinth and stepped on a bee. The answer became so clear in the moment of excruciating pain. Find appreciation for now. I said prayers of thanks for the bee who will not die after giving up its life to ultimately protect its clan. With my whole being put into each thank you, I truly began to notice a dimming in the pain within half an hour. Soon I didn’t feel the pain at all, just a swelling in my foot. If I had not genuinely committed to my practice that day, I am quite certain I would not have been able to manifest that intention to appreciate so gracefully, or at all. Thus, I know without a doubt that practice is essential, necessary in any path forwards for me. 

[rumi2012-blog]

Daily Practice Reflection

Naming poems slowly evolved over time. I cut out the “my name is” and simply wrote “ I am …”. Looking at it now, I can see that wearing a different name each day is like putting on a different outfit. Saying “I am …” feels less impermanent. I don’t find that better or worse than the suggested outline. “In this moment I am Tension”, as opposed to “In this moment, my name is Tension.” The latter feels less integrated, embedded, permeating. I like that because it gives me more permission to be constantly changing. Who I am is a bit less easy to change than my name. I also found that over and over, “I once was” preceded something negative like “lost”, “hopeless”, or “afraid”. “In my dreams” usually yielded the recurring words “flying”, “alive”, or “traveling.” This seems to paint the past with a sort of negative tint and the future with something hopeful.

I found it difficult to explain much else past “I appreciate sunlight.” I felt reluctant to say why as I’ve been thinking about “the who, not the what”. By this I mean appreciating someone for who they are, rather than for what they do, say, think, etc. The what regards something of our layers. By layer I mean everything else covering up the essence.

Writing down appreciations is like flipping the blinds and letting the light shine in. It bring in the warmth that already exists. It is like a letting. To let.

Breathing meditation really helped me center myself for a new day. Listening meditation (which we learned in yoga nidra) reminded me to sense the bigger picture in which I stand. Walking the labyrinth helped me find peace to arrive at where I stood. It helped me let go and to just let. Overall, meditation gave me a sense of settling, or an “okayness” with unsettledness. 

Evening journaling really helped me see what sort of day it was. Whether it was a productive day, or just another day lost. It also helped me keep track of time. If I weren’t required to date entries I would have lost track of time and date within the first week. I also enjoyed just having the space to do some exploration at the end of the day and to appreciate things I learned or experienced.

Some pivotal moments are the sweat lodge, the mountain hike, the ocean, my day of intentional commitment, massage gone wrong, etc. These will likely be covered in the end of year final or spoken to in person, so stay tuned. Overall, I did not give a hundred percent into my daily practices since there were many days where I either consciously or unconsciously chose not to partake in practice. At the same time, when brought back into presence and integrity, I have definitely noticed more difficulty recovering from daily struggles compared to when I am fully in integrity with my daily practices. 

[rumi2012-blog]

Be the Change Project reflection

Prompt: Identify one area that you can improve and/or influence during your internship and do it.

One thing I found while writing up my appreciations here is that they started to be exact copies of the list before.  While I was aware of this at the time, I didn’t know what to do to change it. My understanding of this phenomenon now is that each day was becoming the same and I wasn’t really learning anything. If I am not present, then of course nothing changes. So perhaps this happened because I was not present. It came to a point where I really was not touched with gratitude. I think this is due to a lack of presence with the gratitude.

Even so, there were definitely days where each word of gratitude rang clearly with heartfelt truth. In those days I usually felt lighter, warm, less stressed.

As I read through some of my appreciations, I get the sense that I’m giving. While this isn’t a bad thing, I do question if that is the purpose. I think that it may feel like giving because I rarely receive appreciation, yet I try so hard to appreciate everyone. Appreciating someone requires one to be aware of another and what and/or who they are and where they are. For instance, I can’t appreciate Celine’s strength without listening to her stories and acknowledging her first. I think this is similar to how I feel about our group emails. I try to read and appreciate everyone’s email. However, I rarely feel that my own words are read. I clearly want acknowledgement. While that’s not wrong, it should not be my reason for acknowledging another person, or appreciating another person. So, my wish to bring appreciation into the world has been undermined .  ven so, I find that appreciation with solely the intent to be present with light and warmth is a healthy and recharging habit.

            This is where I’m going to shift my focus. I am deciding to look at how I’ve brought on positive change in a more general sense. Starting with just bringing in positive energy. At the beginning of our group check-ins, I really liked the idea of creating a safe community to turn to, even if only in cyberspace. Reading everyone’s emails transported me to them, even if only for a moment. I like the idea of being connected as everyone experiences the world in twenty-eight different places. So, for the first month I diligently read everyone’s emails and responded with some sort of affirmation or appreciation. I know that I would be happy to get a response like that to what my check-ins. I think something as simple as that can go a long way. Sure a lot of people said the Rumi Google Group did not feel real or really supportive, but I think that when you read something touching and it touches you even for just a millisecond, that the world is a little bit better, at least in that millisecond. At least, that’s what I would like to believe. I made sure to respond to people who didn’t get any responses so they wouldn’t feel left out. I think that really mattered to me because I feel left out really easily. It’s interesting how that works, yet it makes sense.

            Other ways in which I tried to bring in a little bit of light in the world is just to randomly message people on Facebook letting them know I appreciate them and hope they’re well. Sometimes people ask me, “What for?” and I’ll respond, “Just because.” I don’t think there need to be a reason to be appreciated. After all, it’s the who, not the what. In other words, I’d rather appreciate people for being who they are, rather than for something they did, said, or whatever. It goes deep down into the essence of the person, through the layers.

            There was one day where Sol wasn’t around and I took that opportunity to lead an appreciation circle. (If Sol was there, it would not have happened. I know because I’ve tried several times with him around, but only ever got the response that that’s just too much of a hassle and that they just don’t do that there. Really? Appreciation is too much of a hassle? ) I started off really appreciating Celine for being my partner in crime and being a wonderful friend and showing such strength through her numerous stories and adventures. We went around the circle and everyone ended up appreciating everyone. At the end, everyone agreed that they enjoyed wrapping up the day with appreciation as it created a sense of community and closure. For me, that was a big success because I wanted for there to be an appreciation so badly and finally I made it happen. And of course, it would not have happened without everyone stepping in to join me.

            Then I moved on to trying a little experiment where I had a friend and one of the students at the internship do a week of daily appreciations. At the end of the week they wrote to me about their experiences and realizations. I gave them two options. Either five appreciations in the morning and five appreciations at night, or three appreciations about the day, three appreciations about someone else, and three appreciations about yourself at the end of the day. My friend told me that the overall experience led him to the realization that at the very bottom of things, he appreciates existence. If you’re into philosophy (and majoring in it like he is) then you probably get that that’s a pretty big statement. He doesn’t even mean human existence, just existence. The student and I met up every few nights to do our appreciations in person. She felt closer to God through the experience. She also liked the intention to appreciate another and the intention to appreciate herself. It was challenging at first to appreciate herself since she believes it is all God’s work, and nothing to do with herself, but over time she came to appreciate the gifts God has given her etc. She also became aware of a non-serving pattern of making things more complicated than they need to be. For instance, I only suggested three appreciations of general, other, and self. She had set the goal to do ten of each throughout the day/ morning and night. She found that by the time she even remembered to in the evening she would fall asleep while doing it and not really get to experience it fully. I was delighted to hear that she was able to gain something besides more lightness in her life. Bonus!

            What was probably my favorite little project in being the change was creating flyers that said, “Take what you need” with detachable slips of paper that said things like forgiveness, hugs, commitment, courage, chocolate, acknowledgment, etc. I enjoyed running around town taping them to community boards, shop doors, public restrooms, etc. I like imagining the smiles on people’s faces or even just that little bubble of warm fluffiness you get when you see something nice or touching. When I finished I sat outside the café next to one of the flyers and just read a book. People took pictures, smiled, laughed even. The next day all the little slips were gone and I did a little jig of joy.  Another success!

            One good intention gone wrong happened spontaneously as an acupuncturist came by to give Celine a session. Before she had told me how nice he is how he was even willing to drive up there to give her a session. So I grabbed a pumpkin and wrote a note that said something along the lines of “You are a being of light. The universe bows to you with love and gratitude.” I left it in the passenger seat for him, expecting him to be happy that the universe appreciates him. Unfortunately he took it the wrong way and thought Celine had romantic feelings for him and send her personal messages that really stressed her out. I certainly held a positive intention, and I can’t really control how people interpret things. At first I could not understand why someone can’t just accept that the universe appreciates him or her and to just take it as it is. I still can’t understand, actually. Even so, I still enjoyed the process of creative gifting.

            Overall, I’ve enjoyed spreading smiles and hugs and warmth. I like how change comes in all shapes and forms. And it begins with that first smile, that first thank you. 

[rumi2012-blog]

Thanks Sol for all your time and teachings. I am surely blessed to have received the opportunity to learn so much with and from you. Thank you and may good things continue to touch you.

[rumi2012-blog]

Rise up nimbly and go on your strange journey to the ocean of meanings. The stream knows it can't stay on the mountain. Leave and don't look away from the sun as you go, in whose light you're sometimes crescent, sometimes full

Rumi

[rumi2012-blog]

I'll get caught up on how 4th retreat went with a conclusions of the year or whatever but first I need to speak to where I am right now. 

I feel very alone. Haven't really spoken to Paul or Mom much at all. Had dinner, chatted about school, watched a movie together. As if nothing's changed, really. Also gave Mom a massage. But where's the connection? I know I'm not putting much effort into reaching out any differently than before. I'm very aware that a deeper connection is possible. And a lot of me is still in mourning. I don't really have very many friends. The two closest people in my life before I left both have their own lives now, and I really don't know if I fit in it anymore. I don't feel I can really depend on them to be there for me emotionally. With Matti...I guess we're back to square one. I'm not sure. But it's scary and confusing and the possibility of some life threatening disease really has me shaking. 

How do i create a new way of connecting without falling into old ways of relating? It's so different here. At Ma'acama, the container was safe, held, guided. 

I'm actually a little bit terrified. And, I'm also quite determined to make it through all of this. If anything, I'll just work towards I can get out of here, but that's not how I want to spend these next three months. I want to really be here. 

Gotta do more creative scening to figure out what I can do to recreate a safe haven for myself to be free in. 

Such a whirlwind of thoughts, reality, possibility, strangeness.