Unpacking Emotional Abuse

Unpacking unresolved feelings and trauma, especially from toxic relationships. This is my personal healing journal! If you relate at all to me, know that I don't judge you and I'm here to support. ❤️‍🩹 May my journey bring you comfort.

[ruminate88]

Bus Stop

Listen and make your own on Suno.

Ah yes, it finally went through!! I was able to create my new song. I thought for sure it was either gonna tell me that the system is still unavailable or that I’m out of credits, but in fact, I got to generate the song twice and I got it on the second try. The first try was good, but the second try was better. I’m glad I didn’t rush this song this morning. I guess when I get excited it’s like I want the finished product right away, but oftentimes good things come to those who wait!!!

So what is “Bus Stop“? You know, about a month ago when I was deep in meditation, I saw like nine song titles, and this was one of them. Of course, as I wrote it down, I was laughing in my head like, "this is so silly, I feel crazy in this moment," you know what I mean? I thought, "why in the world would I think of this title that sounds so juvenile?" and I thought about it off and on, wondering what in the world it could mean.

Until eventually, it all hit me that this song is the literal version of “trusting the process”. Your healing is not late. It’s not early. It’s right on time. You are becoming. You are doing the inner work, and you are surrendering and seeing the progress a little at a time. Although there are times you feel like you’re waiting on this potential “bus” to show up, it’s like you’re waiting on transformation and manifestation. You are building the architecture of your brand-new Life.

There is so much power in this waiting period. You might feel like the waiting is holding you back, but it’s not—it’s making you solid. It’s creating a foundation underneath your feet that is stable. You are becoming a more secure version of yourself. You are not rushing ahead of the process.

When I realized what "Bus Stop" meant to me, the song became alive to me, and I’m sorry that I almost rushed it this morning. I know I don’t have to perform or prove myself. I am worthy of love, I am going to embody love, and I am healing every day. I’m growing. I’m not the same girl I used to be. I’m continually changing, and I’m not becoming someone new or someone else—I’m just grounding myself securely.

Yes, I get in my head all spiritually, and I get excited when I see spiritual signs in life, but the universe has continually been telling me that I’ve been so busy with my head in the sky looking at all these “signs” that I’m missing what is actually happening inside of me. I’ve been retraining my nervous system, and I survived days that I wouldn’t have survived when I was younger.

I am not just retraining my nervous system; I’m working on the relationships around me as I do the work. I can see it changing on the outside because the outside world is a mirror of what’s inside of you. It’s all crazy, I know, but this whole entire album, “Luxury in Love,“ is the manifestation and the architecture of my brand-new Life of healing—Life after doing all the hard inner work. The younger me would not recognize this version of me because I did not have the understanding or the tools back then, but now I have all I need.

It’s not just impacting me; it goes around me. Because as I am learning to be safe, learning to get out of survival mode, and trusting myself again, I can begin to build trust with others. I am impacting others because I am not just protecting my well-being, I am protecting theirs too. I’m creating those healthy boundaries every day because I do love people. 2026 is the year that I love people correctly. It’s the year that I am trying to be a healthier and happier version of me.

I want to build a legacy of healing for future generations so they can see that healing IS absolutely possible, and that trusting the process is not crazy—it works. Whoever you are, whatever you’re healing from, don’t give up, and take your Life one day at a time. 💫

Please enjoy my new song, ”Bus Stop”. 🛑🎶

6-03-26 at 2:36 p.m. (666) - 32 33 49 -

[ruminate88]

As I continue to watch Disney movies, I am now on Monsters, Inc., and I have to say the second one, Monsters University, is my favorite out of the two. I love the end where Mike Wazowski basically says he is okay with being okay. If you grew up with limiting beliefs, or with people coming against you, then you understand the feeling of not feeling good enough or feeling like a failure in life. But sometimes, just being okay is better than anything.

I also love that Mike and Sulley went ahead and hired on in the mailroom at Monsters, Inc. and worked their way up to their dreams as scarers. I do believe anything you dream of takes hard work and patience. I also think there is perfect timing and alignment, and that is exactly what I’ve been learning in my own life. Life is more than just conventional success; it’s more than a job and I believe real success isn't just bound to this earth.

As a spiritual person, I don't believe this world is all there is to offer. Oftentimes, the material world can feel very empty and superficial, and that is why I’ve been focusing so much on my spiritual journey. Of course, you have to find the balance between your spirituality and grounding yourself in everyday life—you do have to be practical and realistic—but I don't want to lose my childhood dreams completely, whether they become something tangible or not.

You can’t give up on yourself. Not every closed door is a permanent "no." Sometimes it’s simply not the right door, or it’s just not the right time. People say rejection is redirection, and that is so true. There are times when you think there is no hope left, and yet everything turns around for you because miracles are real.

I’ve experienced many miracles in my life. The fact that I’m still alive and breathing is a miracle in itself, and every day that I spend healing is another milestone. I am not the same girl I was even a few months ago. I have changed my view and my perspective on so many situations, both past and present, and I am continuing to grow every single day. Life is a journey worth taking, and you are not alone. Please take your life one day at a time. 💫

6-03-26 at 1:13 p.m. (1313) - 32 33 49 -

[ruminate88]

Trusting the Quiet Work: Relinquishing Control & Stepping Out of Survival Mode

It seems the universe tested me this morning, and honestly, I am so grateful for it. It is teaching me to slow down, to breathe through the moments that used to cause anxiety, and to simply let everything work out exactly the way it is supposed to. No matter what is happening around me, I am learning to remain secure, stable, and steady. I am continuing to re-center my focus on what truly matters in life: realizing that I no longer have to perform. I am inherently worthy of love, and I don't have to prove myself to anyone.

Earlier today, I spent my morning working deeply on a song that I’ve been channeling for about a week now. The lyrics finally poured out of my heart completely. I have been practicing so much patience with this track—which is ironic, because the song itself is entirely about patience and no longer rushing!

When I went to generate the music, Suno AI’s system notified me that the generator was temporarily unavailable. I tried clicking it a few more times, and it’s possible I’m out of credits for the day. In the past, a moment like this might have caused me to panic or feel incredibly frustrated. I spent so much energy on it and was so excited to hear how it would sound! But as I sat there, I realized something beautiful: it simply wasn't meant to come through right now.

Just because the lyrics are written doesn’t mean the audio itself is ready to be born. If and when it is meant to happen, it will unfold with absolute ease. This specific song was actually one of the nine song titles that came to me vividly during a past meditation session. Back then, I wasn't entirely sure what this song would even be about, but now I understand the exact life lessons the universe was preparing me to learn through it. I am learning the lessons in real-time as I write.

When you have survived deep trauma, your nervous system naturally tries to tightly control every moving part of your life just to keep yourself safe. But stepping out of survival mode requires us to completely relinquish that control. We simply cannot force the timing of anything.

I look at myself today and realize I am not even close to the same person I was a few months ago. I am seeing beautiful, healthy shifts in my relationships all around me. Even with my dad—though we still often pick on each other— he has become more loving towards me. By maintaining my peace and setting healthy boundaries, I am noticing that people are no longer showing up anxiously around me, and most importantly, I am learning not to show up anxiously myself.

Life is entirely too short to spend it stressing over what we cannot control. We don't know what tomorrow holds, and the universe explicitly reminded me today not to carry tomorrow's weight into the present. Today is a beautiful, sunshine-filled day. Even though I didn’t get to hear my song generated this morning, my day is still absolutely gorgeous because everything is unfolding exactly as it is meant to. All I can do is continue to be patient with myself, love and respect those around me, and prioritize my well-being—taking this beautiful life one single day at a time. 💫

6-03-26 at 11:49 a.m. - 32 33 49 -

[ruminate88]

The Quiet Progress of Healing 🌿✨

There is so much I am learning recently, and I have seen the growth inside of me. It hasn’t shown up loudly or dramatically; the growth has been so quiet, happening just a little each day. I’m truly grateful for the opportunity to grow and to become a person who is more confident and secure within myself.

I’m learning not to depend on others for my happiness. It’s not about hyper-independence either—there are absolutely people who can encourage and inspire you, but they are not the only source of your joy. I’ve been healing my anxious attachment style for a long time, and while it’s been a journey, the growth I am finding is so beautiful. I am learning to love the woman I’m becoming because I know she isn’t just strong—she’s actually softer and more vulnerable than she’s ever been.

When you really love people, you want the absolute best for them no matter what that is—even if it includes you or not. You learn that you are going to be okay. You have survived so much already.

Retraining the Nervous System 🧠⚓

Lately, I’ve been focusing on retraining my nervous system. This is something I didn’t fully understand before, because I always used to talk about “rewiring your mind.” That was all I knew until I realized that when you feel anxious about a person or a situation, you have to retrain your body. You have to pause and ask, “Hey, why are we panicking right now? What is causing this panic?”

Your body keeps the score. Your body remembers past trauma and exactly what you felt in the past. But we need to gently remind our bodies: “You might remember the past, but this is not the past anymore. The trauma is over, and we survived.”

Sometimes, your body is constantly bracing for the next traumatic event, fighting to protect you. It will put you into a freeze response, or it will cause you to want to run away and avoid certain people or situations because it wants to protect you from more pain. But we have to teach our bodies that this time is different. We are older, wiser, and more mature now. We understand life a little better.

Creating a Safe Space Within 🏠🌅

I’m not the smartest person in the world, but I am a little more secure and at peace. I can lay my head on my pillow at night and be truly content with where I am at in life right now, and who I am as I’m becoming.

If you don’t like who you are right now, or if you don’t feel good enough, I encourage you to pause and ask yourself: “Who am I? Why don’t I feel good enough? Who made me feel this way, and how can I fix it?”

There is always a way. Remember the famous quote by George Herbert:

“Where there is a will, there is a way.”

Healing IS possible when you take the time to learn about attachment styles and how they impact you and others. I’ve spent a lot of alone time reflecting, breaking myself down, and doing the inner work. While it is often hard work, it pays off in the end. Progress does not announce itself loudly, but you will see it over time.

Please be gentle and sensitive toward yourself. Be patient, and live your life intentionally, one day at a time. 💫

6-02-26 at 1:06 p.m. (666) - 32 33 49 -

[ruminate88]

I know part of the problem between my dad and I is that we are so much alike in various ways, and yet we are opposite at the same time. Yesterday at the birthday party, my dad made himself go, but I don’t think he really wanted to be there because he is not the people person that my mom is. Despite it being HIS aunt’s birthday.

Once he gets comfortable, he will talk people's heads off and does more talking than listening, whereas my mom is friendly with everyone there and does more listening than talking—and I’m somewhere in between them, while my brother is the most outgoing of us all. My mom and brother are both managers at their jobs, so they are used to being around a ton of people and making connections all day long, but my dad and I are not.

Yesterday, my dad stayed busy at the birthday party we went to, taking out the garbage from the party, and my brother said to my mom and me that my dad was just using that as a distraction so that he doesn’t have to open up to people or get close. It hit me like a ton of bricks. It made me look at my family dynamics and realize that my dad is a very hard worker, and by being out of town so much when I was young, he was busy working to make money as his way of supporting us.

Making sure our physical and financial needs were met was his way of showing love and being protective as a provider, rather than spending emotional time, sharing feelings, or saying "I love you." The emotional distance makes so much sense now. I was the family caretaker growing up, always doing for everybody, and even now, I still find myself trying to help out with the garbage or cleaning just to stay busy too. I realized it’s exactly like my dad—using busyness as a form of distraction to keep from opening up and letting people too close. It almost HAS to be a neurodivergent thing.

This realization made me think about my own attachment style more than anything, because I don't want to always keep people out of my personal life, stay isolated, or be lonely. I thought I was always the black sheep, and though I made all kinds of "connections" through life growing up, nothing was ever truly super deep or meaningful except for those few people I let into my inner circle from the internet. Even they were physically distant though.

It was hard to let people close because I was homeschooled at 15, raising my family, and caretaking for my grandmother with dementia while carrying the secret dream of trying to be a famous songwriter. On top of that, I struggled with a horrible porn addiction since I was 15; I was so ashamed of myself, and there were only a few people I felt safe talking to about it with who understood and didn't judge my childhood trauma. We were in trauma bonds back then, and I didn’t know it, but it all makes sense now. In 2026, I am now reconnecting with myself, learning to love myself, and becoming secure in myself first so that I can continue to feel safe to open up to others.

Every day when I am meditating on healing, I focus on healing my disorganized attachment style and breaking down emotional barriers. In the past, I was either extremely obsessed with a man or pushing him completely away, never knowing how to balance love with healthy space. I see myself in my dad's behavior, but I want to change and walk this healing journey out with real action so my family and friends can see my progress. I want to change past patterns.

Those few people in my life that I truly feel connected, aligned, and safe with are the people I hold very dearly, and I am trying to treat them in the healthiest way possible. No longer in trauma bonds but now in healing bonds. Trust is not easy after everything, and it takes baby steps and great courage to open up again, but I am surrendering to the process and taking my life step-by-step, one day at a time. 💫

6-01-26 at 12:33 p.m. (1212) - 32 33 49 -

[ruminate88]

What an adventurous day I had yesterday! I enjoyed spending the day with my kids and my family; it was so healing and connecting for me. 🥰 We went to my great-aunt’s 102nd birthday party, then we decided to stop on the way home and see a waterfall, and then we went to a Buc-ee’s. I got home late and I was exhausted. Unfortunately, my oldest step-niece did not get to go with us yesterday and I felt bad about it, but life happens.

It was kind of funny but deeply validating because I know I’m not crazy for the relationship I have with my dad. He seems to have it with everyone in the family except for my baby niece. He seems to show favoritism towards her, and I guess it’s because she’s the baby of the family. Everybody wanted to go see this waterfall on the way home, and I was in between. I really didn’t mind what we got to do yesterday; I was just happy to spend the day with my kids. No one was sure if my dad would want to go either, so we sent my baby niece to ask. We all agreed that my dad probably couldn’t say no to her like he would the rest of us, and sure enough, he said yes to her! We all thought it was so ironic and we laughed about it lol.

I think my sister-in-law saw even more yesterday just how much my dad and I pick on each other, even when I try so hard to be respectful, loving, and supportive of him. I know my dad deeply cares about me in his own protective way, but he’s getting older; his hearing has gotten worse, and he doesn’t hear half the things I say. It gets misconstrued, and it’s frustrating because I’m not trying to come at him defensively, but then he gets defensive towards me.

We went to the waterfall, we went to Buc-ee’s, and then we stopped at a nice restaurant to eat. After we ate dinner, it was finally time to go home. I was in the car with my two nieces, and we were just laughing and playing games. It was just a wonderful, wonderful night. My nieces are like my own kids, and they are so much like me. We think alike, and we were getting silly because we were getting tired, so all three of us were laughing together. I was actually sad when the night was over and my parents dropped me off at my house. I almost didn’t want to go home. I truly wanted to spend more time with the kids because they’re grown now, and I don’t get to spend time with them like I did when they were little. Not that I don’t enjoy my private space—and truthfully, I was exhausted—so I tried to meditate before I fell asleep, but I kept falling asleep during meditation. But I slept pretty much the entire night and even slept in late, and now I’m just taking it easy and reflecting on my beautiful day yesterday.

Also, I met a lot of my dad’s cousins at that birthday party, and I even saw a couple of faces that I hadn’t seen since I was a kid. Of course, my great-aunt who is 102 didn’t know who I was, and that’s OK (she’s an aunt by marriage). She is doing so well to be 102 years old, and she had a baby sister sitting next to her who was 88 years old!!! I was blown away by my dad‘s family and how strong they all are. I would say yesterday was a huge success, and I was so happy I went.

We took a lot of photos yesterday and I even got one with my brother. 💫

6-01-26 at 11:22 a.m. (1212) (111) (222) - 32 33 49 -

[ruminate88]

When we struggle to let go of past trauma and pain, know that it’s more comfortable to hold on. You’re scared of potential new pain or trauma, and so you’re just protecting yourself. Even deeper, you’re scared of letting go of the version of yourself that you built during survival. For some people, that version of themselves is all they know. You built an acceptable version of yourself that not only survived but kept the peace. You don’t know who you are outside of that, and you think the "survival you" is the only dependable person in your life. Of course you don’t want to lose “survival you.”

It’s addicting to stay in chaos or chase it. When you first get to a more peaceful environment, your body doesn’t recognize safety yet—it feels bored or out of place. Even feels too good to be true. You don’t quite fit into your new peaceful environment. Safety is unfamiliar and takes time to get adjusted to. Even if your mind registers peace, your body is still fighting and won’t stop fighting until you retrain your nervous system. I’ve spent years rewiring my mind before I ever could start to retrain my nervous system… healing takes time!!!

You will have an identity crisis as you come out of survival, because who are you when you’re not masking and wearing your survival shield? That’s why you have to go on your self-discovery journey and get spiritual. Reconnect with yourself. Most therapists tell you to be in nature and go barefoot outside. I didn’t do that. I have reconnected to me through meditation and prayer. Through writing music and childish hobbies. Lately, I’ve been watching all the old Disney movies I watched as a kid, plus I have gotten brave and watched some newer Disney ones too (newer to me). You can’t shame or rush yourself. Plus, you HAVE to be gentle and talk so kindly to yourself.

The world is often a cold and “dog-eat-dog” world. Not everyone understands being gentle towards trauma survivors. That’s why you have to treat yourself better. Don’t solely depend on others to heal you. You’re not alone, though. God sees you and others do too!! I feel only survivors understand you because they too have survived. Pray for each other and be patient with yourself. Your body needs time to catch up with you, but it will catch up.

When your body tenses up to prepare you for “potential danger,” you have to lay your hand on your stomach and convince yourself, “I’m safe.” That’s retraining your nervous system! I’ve learned to say to my body, “Thank you for protecting me all those years, but we’re okay. You don’t have to protect me right now.” When your nervous system tries to freeze and protect you, you start to feel paralysis creep in, but breathe through it. Do your grounding techniques. The other day, I grabbed onto my stove door handle in the kitchen and just felt it. I told myself, “See? I can feel stuff. I’m in reality.”

Healing IS possible, but work through it. Roll up your sleeves and don’t stop going forward. Lastly, when you can’t ground yourself or feel yourself losing the battle, remember a bad day doesn’t cancel out your progress. You just try again the next day. Live your life one day at a time!!! 💫

5-31-26 at 5:41 p.m. - 32 33 49 -

[ruminate88]

Right… I’ve had to overcome countless fears and obstacles in my life. Being neurodivergent, I had so many fears in childhood. I didn’t start to enjoy the fireworks at Disney World until I was like 15, and that’s because I remember convincing myself I was safe—and that yes, the boom of the fireworks was loud, but it was so pretty.

My parents couldn’t understand me as a kid. My dad would yell at me and say, “You’re missing it! Look how pretty it is!” But as a child, I would cover my ears and eyes, scared every time the “boom” rattled my chest. I believed I was unsafe in that moment. While it was very real for me, eventually, I loved the beauty and the colors of the fireworks more than I feared the boom. 💥

I still have some major fears I’ve not been able to overcome… I still hate roller coasters to this day. Lol! I get sick just riding in a car, let alone being turned upside down on a roller coaster. My biggest fears on this current healing journey are trusting in myself and life again. I’ve been getting back to life, but from a safe distance. I’ve always been stuck between “I’m a people person, but I’m closed off.”

I only open up when I feel truly seen behind the neurodivergent mask and feel I won’t be judged when I talk about struggles of mine or past addictions. Then, when I believe a person understands my past addictions and behaviors, suddenly I want to talk to them more and deeper because “they get it.” It’s just rare to have.

Welp, it’s later than I expected to stay up and I HAVE to get up super early. 🤪 Goodnight world. I’m taking you one beautiful day at a time. 💫

5-31-26 at 1:18 a.m. (111) - 32 33 49 -

[ruminate88]

I’m not quiet because I have nothing to say. Often being AuDHD, you don’t believe everyone is always listening or understanding you, so you purposely choose to listen instead. I’ve been observant and quiet most of my life. I only open up and show my crazy side when I’m truly comfortable with someone. If I begin to quote movies or song lyrics with someone, then they know I’m getting comfortable with them.

Not only that, since I’ve been observant, I've witnessed a lot of things and been in on a lot of conversations throughout my life—I just don’t always have a response. I have countless stories to tell because of this. My aunt Vicki was telling me a story today at the wedding shower about a great-uncle of mine I never got to meet. Apparently, he was a traveling preacher who rode on an actual mule 😳 and he traveled around to all these churches. I have no idea what year this uncle died, but it’s stories like these where I picture it all in my head.

My dad’s family are all a bunch of storytellers like that. I believe they’re all neurodivergent, but they grew up in a time where schools didn’t label you. My dad would be so defensive if I told him he had an attention deficit or time blindness. He didn’t accept it when I was labeled in school. That’s why I don’t bring it up to him, but I mentioned it to one of my nieces today and she agreed.

Back when I was able to generate fun videos on "Sora 2 AI," a couple of those videos described me as being a “scribe” and said I had many stories inside of me… it all makes sense. I feel no one could explain being neurodivergent when I was a child, and so I spent my life feeling so misunderstood and as if something was “wrong with me,” just to find out in 2026 that I have bottom-up processing and that I’m actually a very detailed person. I tend to write my posts in great detail, then I hyper-focus to condense my posts so they’re not so overwhelming, and I try not to jump from subject to subject, but it’s so hard. Lol! I say so little in my waking life, that’s why I write so much here.

I’m learning to understand myself each day a little more so I can grow and reach my untapped potential. I want to leave a legacy for future generations that healing IS possible. Also, that being neurodivergent is a gift, not a curse. Learn to understand yourself and how to maneuver struggles such as time blindness. Most importantly, prioritize your wellbeing and live intentionally, one day at a time! 💫

5-31-26 at 12:39 a.m. (1212) - 32 33 49 -

[ruminate88]

It’s the AuDHD experience—I am a people person and I’m not socially anxious, depending on the type of crowd, just very awkward at times. When I am going somewhere new for the first time, I over-plan ahead in my mind even though I don’t normally like to plan my days out. But when I know I have to go places ahead of time, I tend to wonder how it’s going to go and what I need to wear or bring with me. Lol! Only when I have been somewhere already before do I know how to pack and plan, but when I’ve never been somewhere, I tend to over-prepare and even prepare myself for potential people I’m going to meet. After I am with a group of people, I definitely need to go back to my private bubble and recharge so I can go back to a big group again.

I’ve had a lot to plan lately with all these parties 😝 Last weekend was a baby shower, and this weekend it was a wedding shower today, and tomorrow is a birthday party! 🥳 Haha when you have such a big family/church family like mine, the parties just don’t stop. While someone is getting married, someone else is having a baby, and then you can bet there is a graduation and birthday party in between.

Tomorrow one of my great-aunts will be 102!!! That’s insane to me, and apparently there are second and third cousins I’ve never even met, or at least don’t remember them, that own a farm and I’m going to see it tomorrow for this aunt’s birthday 😳 Hoping there aren’t a lot of farm animals, but I have no idea what to expect. It’s a 4-hour drive for me. Well, I’m riding with my parents and taking my bro’s kids 🥰

I always get motion sickness on long car rides, but I am excited to be with the kids now that they’re all grown just about and they don’t “need me” anymore… it’s emotional, so I enjoy when they slow down and have personal time to spend with their old uncool aunt. Haha!

I’m sure we’ll have great conversations on the way to the farm we’re going to. This farm is named after our family so that’s cool. Hopefully I’ll get a t-shirt with our name on it because they sell merchandise from this farm. 🙃 Pretty cool. I didn’t know this farm existed till recently. I guess it’s my grandpa’s nephew who owns it?? I love when I learn family history and meet new family members who are similar to me. I have two cousins getting married this year plus one is having a baby, but that doesn’t mean another won’t turn up pregnant… I can’t even count how many family members we have atm. I know it’s a lot though!!!

5-30-26 at 10:49 p.m. - 32 33 49 -

[ruminate88]

Just watched Cruella, and the vibe of this movie is obviously quite the opposite of Cinderella. While Cinderella was forgiving, Estella wanted revenge. 😳 Okay, but let’s look at the positive and inspiring parts of this storyline. Estella’s real mother throws her away. Estella then loses the only mother she knows. The storyline actually started out just like The Lion King. Much like Simba, Estella believes she’s responsible for her mother’s death and runs away. She meets a couple of friends and hides out with them.

Yet, Estella has this inner drive to be in fashion. It’s where she feels a sense of “belonging,” not ever knowing her biological mother is an iconic fashion designer. This drive brings her to actually work for her real mother, and yet she finds herself in competition with her. It's ironic, but destiny. What inspired me was that Estella lost everything at first, just to find a family to call her own, and then she begins to build her own brand slowly. Eventually, she finds herself the rightful owner of “Pride Rock”—aka The Baroness label. Lol. Exactly like Simba.

What was so special and iconic to me was how the movie did a “three amigos” trick with the multiple Cruellas at the end. It was a classic trick, and I smirked at this part of the movie. This film had its moments of chaos and pure malice, which I ignored, but it equally lit a spark inside of me. I want to build my brand against all odds from my past, too. I want to heal and grow every day. I don’t want revenge on anyone, nor do I hold a grudge. Yet, my revenge has been to heal until I’m unrecognizable, rising up to meet my actual potential.

The ending of this movie, where Roger played the piano and sang “Cruella de Vil”—ahh, it gave me chills!!! What a brilliant ending. Only Disney does it right like this. 👏🏻 The song choices throughout the movie were especially elite, and the ending credits gave me Gossip Girl vibes, which would make sense. I truly did enjoy this movie from start to finish, but I was able to separate the lessons from the chaos.

You don’t have to be loud to make a name for yourself. You can quietly do the inner work and be iconic all on your own. Not everyone will know my story, but the ones who need it will. I only hope to be healthier, happier, and live up to my potential! Yes, just like “Estella” was dead and buried, so is the older, anxious, and toxic version of me!!! 💫

5-29-26 at 5:56 p.m. (555) - 32 33 49 -

[ruminate88]

It’s true that when you clean houses for a living, it's really hard to clean your own. When you get home and you see your own house, you’re like, "Oh gosh, more cleaning." I feel like that’s all I ever get to do is clean, but it’s all I've really ever done my entire life. Even when I was a little girl, my mom would take me to help her clean our church, so I cleaned my church as well for most of my life.

I’m trying so hard to figure out what I really want to do with my life. Can I continue this lifestyle doing something that’s fairly easy, just laboring, that I’ve always done, and where I can easily get more work? I had another lady yesterday saying that when she retires, she hopes that I would take over her housework for her full time, and it just never stops. There are all these women that are wanting me to clean their houses, which I guess should be a compliment to me that they think I’ll do a good job. But it’s a lot of hard work. Carrying vacuums, mops, and scrubbing toilets is not fantastic, but someone, I guess, has to do it. The toilets don’t clean themselves. 😝 It’s a very humbling job. It’s not fancy; it’s not glamorous. It’s not one where I get to wear high heels, although I do get to create my own schedule, which is what I’ll always do.

I’ll never be able to survive an office job that’s a 9-to-5. I think that I would literally jump off a bridge because the idea of being stuck in a little office all day long doing the same thing repetitively would absolutely make me crazy. I don’t know how neurotypical people do it. I don’t like to plan my days out. People ask me, "Oh, what days do you go clean?" and it’s like, "Whatever days I feel like," you know? I don’t want to give myself a set schedule; I don’t want people to put me on a schedule either. (Pervasive drive for autonomy)

At the same time, I can’t function without a true schedule. I really struggle to get my tasks started. I end up waiting until the last minute, and then I am rushing around. But also, I get so tired anymore, and I keep telling myself, "You’re allowed to sit down." I don’t have to push myself just because I want to get done as quickly as possible. I don’t want to take a bunch of breaks; I just want to get it over with. But at the same time, my body is screaming at me like, "Please sit down, I’m tired." And it’s like, how are we this tired, but yet I’ve been doing this my whole life? Is this what I’m willing to do for years to come?

You try to figure out which of your childhood dreams is actually realistic and could become something that sustains you, ya know? I’ve heard people say that if you offer to play music for free, you’ll always play music for free. I can tell you that as much as I've cleaned my whole life, I’ve played music my whole life for free, and I always will play music no matter if I make money at it or not. I know when I told my dad at 13 that I would be a famous musician one day and make a lot of money for the family, my dad laughed at me and said no, that it wasn’t possible for me, and not to stress about it. He said he would make sure I had enough money and that he would always “take care of me” and the bills, for me to let that dream go. I was just thinking like, why is that so impossible for him? Why doesn’t he believe it’s possible when he loved music as much as me? Maybe my dad didn’t think I was that good; I don’t know what he thought, but it doesn’t matter now.

As much as I have cleaned and have had people ask me to clean their houses, I’ve also had people ask me to play piano for their weddings. I’ve played in countless weddings for people, and I even wrote a song for a wedding in 2021. I wrote a song for my friends, Cole and Skylar, because Skylar said she wanted to walk down the aisle to “one of my originals”, and I couldn’t believe she asked me to do it. 🥺 Then I tell myself, I don’t wanna be the “traveling wedding band” either. I just don’t wanna think small anymore in 2026. Yet I know I have to think realistically.

As I’m continuing to heal the past trauma, it’s like I’m starting to realize I’ve been thinking so small my whole life. I’ve been self-sabotaging, I’ve been undermining myself and being so hard on myself. Why didn’t I think dreams are possible? Is it just my dad‘s voice is in my head telling me it’s not realistic, or what? All I know is healing IS possible, and the fact that I’m considering childhood dreams anymore is a huge milestone in this journey.

When I started this blog in 2023, all I could think about was ruminating on past relationships, and I couldn’t stop talking about past boyfriends over and over obsessively. Now here I am in 2026, talking about childhood dreams again. It feels really good, too. I don’t know what dreams will come true and what dreams will stay in my heart, but I’m open. Every day I tell the universe I surrender everything, and I receive what’s meant for me. I’m aligning myself with what’s meant for me, I am loosening my grip, and I’m slowing down. I’m convincing myself to stop watching the clock every day and start focusing on getting myself together more. You’re not completely healed in one day. It’s a process. Surrender to the process and be patient and gentle with yourself. Take your life one day at a time. 💫

5-29-26 at 2:20 p.m. (2222)

[ruminate88]

When I watch a movie, I tend to break down the storyline with human psychology, and the story often lingers with me because I’m neurodivergent—plus I have to process the nutrients of that storyline.

In my last post, I shared about watching the live-action movie of Cinderella and how inspiring and positive it is that she repeatedly said in the movie, “be kind and courageous.” Even though she herself had lost both her parents, was being heavily mistreated by her stepmother, and was living in the attic with only the mice for friends, she was completely isolated and being traumatized daily—yet somehow she remains soft and open. That is the true definition of strength.

But let me say this, though: despite all that love and positivity, there is a reality to things. I think Cinderella knew that she was gonna continue to show grace to her stepmother, but she was not gonna let her stepmother completely back her into a corner. When the time came where the stepmother offered her a deal—that if Cinderella married the prince, she would let the stepmother help rule the kingdom—Cinderella said no. She stayed firm on her boundaries with that stepmother, which ultimately angered the stepmother and made her act up even more.

Cinderella knew that she couldn’t control her stepmother; she could only control her own feelings and actions. I don’t think Cinderella ever gave up hope for a minute, and honestly, I think she realized that all the beautiful childhood dreams she had would always be there in her heart, no matter if they came true or not. You get to a place in life when you’re healing and realize you cannot control people or make them behave how you want them to. A lot of people are hurt in life, and it has made them who they are, sadly. Lady Tremaine lost two husbands and she’s questioning, “Why did this happen to me? It’s not fair.” But you know, Cinderella wasn’t sitting there crying saying her life isn’t fair. She also lost both of her parents and was being controlled by her stepmother and ugly stepsisters.

This storyline mirrors that there is always a way out and healing IS possible. While it is beautiful and inspiring to be like Cinderella—to remain kind and to have that courage to keep going forward despite the trauma—you’re not gonna control or change people. Cinderella did not try to change her stepmother. She did not try to force Lady Tremaine to treat her better. She just simply walked away, and she even said, “I forgive you, stepmother.” That is a true lesson right there. It’s not just about being kind and courageous; it’s about letting go of past pain and accepting what is, being okay with yourself.

Cinderella showed peace through that whole movie. Cinderella continued to sing and dance even when she was in her darkest moments, and that’s what we have to do. You can’t give up on yourself, and it’s not about giving up on other people. If there is hope for me, there is hope for others. What makes me so much better than them? I don’t believe for a minute Cinderella thought she was better than her stepmother, plus she had her own grief. She just didn’t want to be bitter like her stepmother.

I was turning that way... I was getting cold and jaded. I’ve talked about it so much in this blog, how I was feeling hard in my heart because I was really disappointed in myself and my life. I felt like life is unfair. I was upset because I felt like I had to ignore all my childhood dreams just to survive, and it didn’t seem fair. But it’s May 29, 2026, and I’m sitting here seeing the beautiful sunshine out my sliding door, and I’m telling myself today is a beautiful day. I am alive. I am doing okay. I am learning to have that inner peace, and I’m choosing to keep going forward despite everything. All I can do is take those little baby steps, one day at a time, and just surrender to the process. 💫

5-29-26 at 11:55 a.m. (555) - 32 33 49 -

[ruminate88]

The ending of the live-action Cinderella movie was so good. Not only did she look right at the stepmother and say, “I forgive you,” but then the movie went on to say that her and the prince were the kindest rulers the Kingdom had ever seen. The princess chose to see the world "not as it is, but what it could be." Wow, that’s so powerful. It’s that "delusional hope" that the world needs more of.

I have watched myself in the last month just soften up completely. I just feel so differently now about so many things that I didn’t understand years ago. The trauma does harden you. It does make you want to isolate yourself and push people far away because you simply just can’t trust people; you know you’ve been wounded, you’ve been traumatized, and at first you don’t see how things could ever get better for you. But I can tell you that you can’t give up. (Baby steps)

I know God saved me in 2015 when I had my final crash out and that’s enough. I’m okay now. If I never have another prayer answered, I’m just grateful to be alive. I truly am appreciative of this beautiful day, the sunshine, everything that I have, and the people that support me. It means more than words, yet I believe that I’m gonna be more than okay. I am thankful that I’ve been able to forgive anybody who’s ever hurt me. I’m also sorry to anyone I’ve ever hurt.

None of us are perfect. You know towards the end of the movie, Lady Tremaine said something profound to Cinderella when Cinderella asked her ‘why she was so cruel’. Lady Tremaine was trying to express that she feels like a broken person. She feels like a monster. She’s buried two husbands, and all that grief has made her bitter. She could not see Cinderella’s pain, only her own. See, that’s why I always say hurt people end up hurting other people. It’s bound to happen until that person is healed.

I’ve been through grief, but it didn’t last because I realized at some point that I wanted to have happier days. The anger was a season too. The pain was temporary. I had to sit with it and deal with it. I had coping mechanisms to experience, but I continually kept turning the corner. I know it’s because God was with me. Sometimes you have to change your way of thinking too.

Learning about human psychology began to shape my mindset. Then I began to see people differently. No matter if people are sorry, no matter if people change, I have to change because I have to be happier. I have to be healthy. I have to learn to love myself, which I’ve been doing in 2026. I’ve truly been accepting myself and forgiving myself every day, letting go of all past shame and guilt. You have to stop shaming yourself and carrying it all because it’s only hurting you.

Cinderella repeatedly said in the movie, “be kind and courageous.” That doesn’t happen overnight. When you’ve been through trauma, you are basically walking through this jungle in your mind and heart. You’re trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel, and I would tell you: keep walking forward. I know it’s easy to encourage others and it’s harder to encourage ourselves because we can see potential in others, but we can’t always see it in ourselves. It requires us to find strength and to pull ourselves out of it all. It’s much easier to stay down than it is to pull yourself up, but once you pull yourself up, you realize, "Oh, I’ve had the strength all along and I can do this. I can get through this."

Whatever you’re healing from, life is heavy and hard, but you’re gonna be okay. You have to have that delusional hope and believe in yourself and healing. Surrender to the process. Let your guard down and allow yourself to experience the transformation of healing. Look how soft I’m getting; I questioned if this was possible.

It’s okay to lay things down, to be happy again, to believe in love and trust again. I know you think trust is so hard, but maybe if you just take that first little small step, maybe you’ll surprise yourself the way that I surprise my own self. It’s not about blind faith; you have your intuition and your discernment. You’ve been through enough that there’s nothing that you’re so easily shaken by anymore. You’re handling life better—that’s all you can do.

If God doesn’t do anything else but help you heal, that should be enough, but don’t sell Him short. Why can’t you believe in miracles? I know I am a miracle. I’m alive today because God saved me in 2015 and I’m learning to love me again in 2026. Don’t give up on yourself. Don’t give up on those around you. Be gentle and patient with yourself. Take your life one day at a time. 💫

5-29-26 at 9:12 a.m. (222) - 32 33 49 -

[ruminate88]

Watching the live-action Cinderella tonight and I’m just struck by how gentle she is with the animals 😌. I’ve never been an 'animal person' myself… I’m more of a 'watch from a distance' girl.

There is this CUTEST chipmunk I see on my back patio every day lately. I named him Alvin. 🐿️ I love watching the way he eats his little acorns with his chubby cheeks—he’s so stinking cute. I don't want to pet him, but I love seeing him hop around in the grass too.

I think it’s a sensory thing for me, being neurodivergent. I’ve never bonded with animals or gotten attached to any of my pets growing up. We had a lot of outside cats when I was a kid and I enjoyed watching them—I just didn’t wanna pet them or hold them, and I never cried when a cat ran away or passed. Idk why. I don’t hate animals, I just can’t connect with them any closer. Not because I haven’t tried. Even at one point, my parents got me a dog, but I was terrified of him and they had to give him away.

My mom said I was attacked by a dog when I was a toddler, but I can’t remember it. Maybe that’s why I’m scared of dogs? I just feel uncomfortable around animals in general. I don’t mind them from a distance, just not close and personal. Lol.

Is this actress not SO PRETTY? 👑💫

5-28-26 at 6:59 p.m. - 32 33 49 -

[ruminate88]

This classic song is amazing too 🔥🔥🔥🔥

NO, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!! 🙂‍↔️🎧🎶

5-28-26 at 3:08 p.m. - 32 33 49 -

[ruminate88]

Ahhh this song is amazing 🤩 love Armin ✨

In 2026, I realize that I need to be OK within myself no matter what. I’m no longer the caretaker for everyone, and I’m no longer the fixer of their emotions. I don’t want to lose my empathy or be cold—I want to listen and care—but all I can do is pray for them. I can’t take away their stress or their trauma.

People can absolutely talk to me, but I don’t appreciate when people dump their problems on me without even asking how I’m doing. That feels one-sided, and I’m trying to maneuver that gracefully without taking it personally. I know sometimes people don’t mean to ignore my feelings; they just need help, and I’ve always been a helper. But in 2026, I need to help myself.

I want people to show up because they truly value me and want to be in my life—not because they feel like they have to, or because they need something. I want to be appreciated for who I really am. I will not perform for anyone, and I don’t want anyone to perform for me. I want people to be happy and healthy, and I’m learning that I can receive support as well; it doesn’t always have to be one-sided like in the past.

I am worthy of love, and my worth is not tied to caretaking. My worth is in the fact that God saved me in 2015. Every day is another day to find the positive, overcome the trauma, and remember: I am not a victim. I’m a survivor. I have to encourage myself first, and then I can encourage others. I’m trying to give a little at a time and space it out so I don’t overwhelm others or myself.

I’m giving some of that love to me now. I will not tolerate draining relationships in 2026. I will only let people into my inner circle who are respectful and considerate. You don’t have to be perfect with me. You don’t have to say the right words. No one has life all figured out. We are not defined by the past, and we will rise above it all, one day at a time. 💫

5-28-26 at 2:36 p.m. (222) - 32 33 49 -