Maturing through the Chaos 💫
I try to meditate on healing every morning when I wake up, after I’ve started drinking my coffee and gotten awake, and then I try to meditate before bed. I do focus on healing my struggles, time blindness and executive dysfunction. What frustrates me the most is that I will hyper-focus on writing, whether it’s writing something down here in this blog or even responding to a text message, and I will be in the flow…. You know, my feelings flow effortlessly—the feelings are absolutely there. But then, even though I’m hyper-focused and wanting to share my feelings, it’s like I get so easily distracted by the slightest thing, or a thought suddenly comes to my mind to distract me. Or I even lose my train of thought completely. I’ll be deep in the flow and then—boom—I lose my train of thought, everything goes blank in that moment, and I sit there irritated at myself. It’s like, "Oh come on, I just had that thought, where did it go?" lol. I’m trying to get it back, and then it’s like, "Well, okay, I’ll just have to have a different thought then." I’ve always had an excellent long-term memory, but I’ve always struggled in having short-term memory. 
You know, you’re just trying to express yourself, and it really depends on what I’m writing, or who I’m writing to, and how much I’m writing, because I just want to be so intentional and thorough. When I'm texting my mother, sometimes I’m just sitting there looking at her text and I have the thoughts that I want to say, but it’s like after I write my response, I have to read over my response 2/3 times to make sure that I make sense. Making sure that my text will be received as intended. For me, it’s not about trying to be perfect by any means, or about a performance; it's truly that I want to make sense. I want to speak from my heart, and I’m very conscious about what I say to people in general. Even to my own mother, I don’t just say random stuff; I’m just truly intentional.
Maybe my mom will text me, "Hey, I’m on my way. I’ll be there in 15 minutes," and I’ll give her a simple thumbs-up. Done. Easy. I didn’t have to think that through. But if she text me and says, "Can you be ready in 15 minutes, and do you want to go to lunch first?" I then have to sit there, think about it all, and decide. Sometimes I’m not quick at making decisions. But my mom knows this, and I’ve told her so many times that I struggle with time. If she wants me to be ready at a certain time, she needs to tell me. Otherwise, if she says, “Just call me whenever you’re ready to go and we’ll go"—no, that doesn’t work for me. Because I may take hours depending on what I’m doing! I might get distracted with something and lose track of time, so it’s like, no, you have to give me an exact timeframe. If you want to go to the store before lunchtime, then you need to text me and say, "Hey, be ready by such-and-such time so we can make it before the lunch rush." It’s that simple.
I tell my mom this all the time. I try to express to people that with me, if you want me to be ready and on time, I need an exact timeframe, and I need to know how long it takes to get to places. Usually, I’m not late to anything. It just depends on how important the event is and what I am doing at home. If it’s like a baby shower or something on a Saturday, I know what time the shower starts, and I’m going to be there when it starts. But if it’s like, "Oh, I have to run to some stores to pick stuff up," I don’t know when I’ll go. I’ll go whenever I get ready. 🙃
I’ve learned that music can both help me focus while I’m getting ready, but it can also distract me depending on the song and what I’m doing. Like, if I’m fixing my hair and I’m listening to music, it can help me focus on my hair, but it can also cause me to dance and get excited, and then I lose track of all time and I take longer than I want to. Like, I don’t purposely want to take a long time to get ready. It’s just who I am, lol. I never purposely want to have poor time management, and it’s not that I’m absent-minded; it’s just that I easily get distracted. I overthink and have to clear my head often. But you know, I can hyper-focus too. See, school told me as a kid that I couldn’t focus, but they never explained it to me, and they were wrong about me. I have great focus when I really need it. When someone is telling me something important, I try to make sure that I am zeroed in on them, that there are no distractions around me. If a TV is going or my phone is turned on in front of me, I turn my phone or TV off so that person has my full attention. When I do meditate, I put my phone on silent oftentimes, because if not, the notifications pop up and distract me, and it frustrates me. I prefer no distractions when I’m meditating.
While a lot of people in the world may see these traits as negative, I’m choosing to believe that this is uniquely me. It could be considered a challenge in a bad way, or it could be considered a challenge as in: look at what I go through every day and how I still accomplish things! You know, I’m tired of the limitations that have been placed upon my life, and I know I’m part of the problem. I limit my own self because I focus on "the struggles," but I’m realizing that I need to take these struggles and use them to my benefit and to grow. If I can understand myself more each day, then it doesn’t matter who misunderstands me in the world, you know what I mean? And that gives me all the self-empowerment I need, the motivation that I desire but have struggled to embody. I truly struggle to be motivated most days to do stuff outside of dancing to music and wanting to watch movies. Facts. 🤪
You know, there’s more to life, and oftentimes you’re afraid of change. Life can be scary, but life is also beautiful, and I’m realizing that this chaotic feeling is not wrong after all. It’s just uniquely me. And if I can embrace my own uniqueness, I can embrace others in their unique ways, and I want to. We are not healing to change. We are healing to become more authentic, healthier, and happier. Our well-being and mental health is most important. We are not alone. We are more than enough, and no matter what we struggle with or face every day, it makes us who we are. Let’s own it. Let’s embrace it. Let’s learn and grow through it. It’s not about fixing yourself; it’s about maturing and just continuing forward—patiently, gently, kindly, one day at a time. 💫
7-08-26 at 11:50 a.m. (1010) - 32 33 49 -
