So I’ve been asked this a few times in response to my posts about not turning “I’m a terrible person” spirals into the focus when you’ve hurt someone, and I wanted to talk about it a bit more because it’s a really fair question.
What are we actually supposed to do with those feelings?
Because just pushing them down doesn’t feel good, and it can make things worse long-term.
And you’re right. Those feelings are real. They don’t need to be ignored or dismissed.
But they do need to be handled in the right space.
When someone is coming to you and saying you hurt them, that moment needs to stay about them. If we shift into “I’m awful, I ruin everything, you shouldn’t even be friends with me,” it can unintentionally take the focus off their feelings and put them in a position where they feel like they have to comfort us instead. It can make them anxious to come to us in the future with problems and that could cause long term damage to our relationships and have resentment build.
That doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to feel that way. It just means that moment isn’t where those feelings get processed.
Think of it less like “shove it down forever” and more like “hold it for a minute.”
You can acknowledge it internally. You can notice it. You can even tell yourself, “I’m feeling a lot of shame right now.”
But you don’t have to act on it right away.
This is where self-soothing comes in. Grounding, stepping away for a moment, writing it out, reminding yourself that doing something hurtful doesn’t mean you are a terrible person.
Then later, when things have settled, you can come back to those feelings and process them in a healthier way.
And that can include asking for reassurance if you’re really struggling. Just in a way that doesn’t put the other person in a position where they have to take care of you while they’re still hurt. (And I’d like to reiterate that this should not be in the moment they’ve expressed the hurt.)
For example, that can look like:
“Hey, I’ve been sitting with what happened earlier, and I’m feeling a lot of shame around it. I’m worried I’m a bad person. I’m not asking you to fix it, but if you have the capacity, some reassurance would really help.”
Or even something like:
“I’m still taking responsibility for what happened, but my brain is being really loud about me being a terrible person. If you’re up for it, could you remind me that I’m not?”
That way, you’re being honest about your feelings without making them responsible for regulating you in the moment they were hurt.
So it’s not about ignoring your feelings. It’s about timing and how they’re expressed.
Both things can exist at the same time. You can take accountability for hurting someone and still care for yourself. It doesn’t need to be one or the other.
