So this is the first time I’ve ever used this site to write up something seriously, but I need to really say something about Ashes of Ariandel, the first (of two) DLC for Dark Souls 3.
Short version: Not worth the $15 asking price
Long version: I had to restart my game a couple of times, even when the DLC was installed to get anywhere. Mind you, I started this shortly after it actually did drop, so I'm going to assume people who are starting it later won't have any problems. So I start out at Cathedral of the Deep, where an old man starts talking to me as soon as I load in, fair enough it's not exactly cryptic but just figuring out which place starts it would have taken me a while had I not read something about the Cathedral before starting this.
So I get teleported into the Painted World of Ariandel, and much like Ariamis, it shares some visual cues from it. Immediately after coming out of the cave I teleported into, there's developer messages telling me that I shouldn't do this until I've finished Lothric Castle, basically this DLC is supposed to be for people around the level 70-80 range. I can tell you right away that I had no real problems with the difficulty of this DLC at level 85, but it has such a spastic level of difficulty that I felt like the design team just said "ok how do we make this game harder? OH I KNOW!"
the DLC starts out in a snow field, where after a short while of exploring I had multiple paths spread out for me, but the problem was that none of these paths looked appealing, I bumbled my way through one path, which at the beginning had maybe 20 wolves attack me at once. Much like the regular dogs in Dark Souls 3, they are a complete pain in the ass to actually hit because they have a tendency to jump out of the way mid-swing, but when you're faced with a circle of 5 wolves constantly, it really didn't matter because if I didn't hit the one I was targeting, I hit his 3 friends. Eventually an even larger wolf with a lot more HP attacked me, it felt like a miniboss and I came across two of them on this path.
The next part of the path I took had a mostly open snow field with crumbling walls littered about. Turns out those walls are needed because on top of a tower there's a guy shooting arrows at you that explode after a short delay. There's also large men patrolling the area and unlike the majority of the enemies I came across so far, they have a boatload of health and what felt like infinite stamina. They just never stopped swinging their axes, and some of them even came with wolves. It honestly felt a bit Dark Souls 2-ish to me, but that could be because they're set up in such a way that you can attract several of them at once if you don't realize it. After getting through this area, another 20 wolves on a hill greeted me on the path, including yet another large miniboss one. I felt like I needed an NPC telling me that "wolves hunt in packs" after this one, and I ran out of estus at this point.
Luckily I found a bonfire at this point in time, and saw that all the paths converged here. It was then I saw that I could have avoided 30 wolves and the entire area of large men had I just simply gone up a hill at the beginning. The hill path in particular had another enemy type in the form of tittied trees, which have up to three attacks depending on the type - a grab that is actually harder to dodge through than it appears, an ice breath and the ability to summon small, homing fires. All the paths in this first area converge to a long rope bridge, which I saw a message saying "this place again?" placed at the beginning of. It definitely does evoke Ariamis feelings, but this bridge and the chapel entrance at the end of the rope bridge are the only real references to Ariamis, the rest is completely different.
Upon getting to the chapel, I was greeted by an NPC who recognized me as the King of Beef Jerky, and told me to talk to Lady Friede inside. After this encounter, and Friede telling me to fuck off back to Londor, I messaged a friend asking if he got the Usurp the Fire ending too, because this is oddly specific dialogue. (I later watched someone stream the DLC who has no idea this ending exists, and yes, the dialogue does change if you're Lord of Hollows). Thinking that I didn't buy the season pass just for NPCs to fuck off, I went back across the bridge to explore the other paths.
There's two paths to get to the next area, I say that, but it's more like one path with an entirely skippable area just before it. The next area is definitely a strong indicator that the difficulty of the DLC is incredibly spastic, as while the first area had a shitload of enemies that carved off a load of health in single hits, this next area just had feeble bird people with prolapsed anuses everywhere. There's two versions of elite enemies in this area that are incredibly difficult, being able to attack 400 times in one flurry, with bleed buildup on their weapons. When I say that there's two versions of elite enemies, I mean there's four of them in total. The area itself is built to look like a reasonably realistic town, with multiple paths to treasure, but only one path to the next area. Shortcuts aplenty, but I honestly missed most of them as I bumbled my way through into the next area.
The next area was marked with the NPC that I first spoke to in the chapel becoming an enemy, telling me once again that I should have fucked off back to Londor, and he's gonna make me fuck off. He had a new sword that shot off black flame as the weapon art. Besides having a boatload of HP, he wasn't too difficult. The next area, in its entirety, is just a load of paths littered with enemies. It honestly made me feel like I wasn't progressing at all. At one point I had what felt like 9 dudes on me at once in a tight hallway. The metric shitton of enemies in this area are here just to make you feel lost in what amounts to a cardboard box. The actual area is really small. The second smallest in the entire DLC.
It leads a large chapel with meat and blood strewn about the floor. It's honestly wasted potential, as the only enemies that are in here are giant flies, which have appeared in earlier parts of the DLC. Mind you, the bottom of the chapel is filled with loads of them, and they have a maggot attack that requires a torch to get rid of, much like the maggots in Cathedral of the Deep, the bottom has an optional area hidden behind an illusory wall that I found accidentally, and at the end of the hidden path is an NPC invasion, a new pyromancy for beating it, and a new pyromancy flame, which hints at the NPC invasion if you look at the description of the thing before going into the actual round part of the hidden part. The bottom of the chapel also has a switch which unlocks the final boss (of two) of the DLC, but I missed it my first time around.
The meat pit leads back to the chapel at the beginning of the game, and the final boss path is right next to Friede, who is sitting right next to a bonfire. What I do find interesting is that there's an NPC summon in the corner of the room, but doesn't get immediately summoned. The game points this out to you as you touch his sign. For curiosity's sake I did touch it after attempt 4 of the final boss.
The final boss of the DLC has been staring at you the entire time, it's Friede. She initially comes across as really tough, as her scythe has really good range and she likes to hop backwards a lot after attacking, not giving much time to punish. she also has a "nothing personnel" attack. There is one glaring weakness to Friede, and it's the fact that she follows normal human enemy rules, ie, she is parry-able and is able to get backstabbed. Once you figure this out she goes down easily.
Phase 2 is essentially "hey remember Ornstein and Smough? We put that fight in the game, do you like me now? I put in all the references to Dark Souls 1 and everything, you like Dark Souls 1 right?" where it's Friede and Ariandel, the large man sitting in the chair that actually starts the boss fight off. If you touched the NPC summon, he will get appear for this phase of the fight. Once again, this is tough initially, but they share a health bar and Ariandel is able to be visceral attacked, which makes this phase a pushover as well. After you kill the second phase, you're in for a surprise.
"How can we make this boss really cool? Add a second phase!" "But all the bosses in Dark Souls 3 have two phases." "Shit, gotta think of something else, OH I KNOW!" So here's phase 3 of the same fight. if you die on any phase, you have to start from the beginning. I should mention right now that if you die, Friede will tell you to fuck off (she told me to fuck off back to Londor, because King of Beef Jerky ending and all). Phase 3 is the reason why Phases 1 and 2 could be burned through so easily, as Friede gets an additional scythe, black flame magic and a more spazzy moveset, copying a few movies from Maria. She also has an upgraded nothing personnel attack. She probably can be parried again, but her moveset was too quick for me to try it out. She constantly had me on the ropes because she just never seemed to stop attacking. I got through it after a few tries and that was it. That was the DLC done. No cutscene signifying that I was finished, just Frieda's soul and a bonfire. Friede's soul transposes into her scythes, or Ariandel's flail which I honestly didn't see in the transposing menu. It's a whip that you can hit yourself with for a buff.
So now that I killed Friede, which honestly was a pretty good fight at the end, I remembered there was supposed to be another boss. I never actually found it in my bumbling around the first time, and then it hit me that maybe I should hit the bridge like in Carthus. So with the bridge forming a rope ladder, I went down and it is exactly like the path to the NPC invader, except this time there's a dude with a greatbow trying to knock you off the path. I can't imagine what this would be like without the Silvercat Ring. I get to the bottom and there's a crab dad on the ice lake. As I approach, a second crab dad shows up. after killing both and exploring the area a bit, I turn back and there's a third crab dad, and a bonfire. In this frozen lake area is an area with the other boss.
Remember that one boss in Dark Souls 2 where it was just a bunch of dudes with a boss health bar? The Champion Gravetender is basically that. He has a unique sword and shield, but he never actually hit me because every time he swung I parried him. So he died within 4 parries, which was when the other part of the fight happened. IT WAS THE SAME GOD DAMN LARGE WOLF FROM THE FIRST AREA. THE EXACT SAME ONE. THE SAME HEALTH AND EVERYTHING. The only difference is that when it got down to half health it went into red eye mode and charged faster. I'll sum up my thoughts on Champion Gravetender with the words I said out loud immediately after finishing the boss:
"ha ha ha, what the fuck was that shit?"
One of the items you get from Gravetender is a key item which lets you jump into the pvp arena from the Firelink bonfire. There are no rewards for winning the arena. You just get a title and that's it, that's your lot. It would have eased the pain if it were a way to get covenant items, as trying to get them as certain covenants is akin to pulling your teeth out, but no. I faced another player, we bumbled around and I killed them. It called me a winner and kicked me back to firelink. Dark Souls 3's pvp is fucking awful and the DLC's main focus was on a pvp arena, judging by the fact that there's more options and rules for the arena than there is content in the Painted World.
Overall, the DLC has incredibly spastic difficulty, has at most an hour and a half of pve content, and is incredibly not worth the asking price of $15. It's a shame too, because Dark Souls DLC is generally pretty good.
Serious Sam banned in Australia due to Islam phobia
Australia is known for banning games for the right reasons, violence against women, gross depictions of violence against children and glorifying drug abuse. Today, the Australian Classification Board has given a second review on all the games in the Serious Sam series and have recalled them for “promoting extremist ideals”
Attorney-General John Rau has released a press conference regarding the recall, saying that it is a shocking and grotesque depiction of those who have lost their lives in extremist attacks and has the potential to lure young people into joining extremist groups. The recall has been effective as of the beginning of March and retailers have been largely unaffected. Valve has yet to respond to the recall, but it is presumed that steam libraries with any of the games will have them removed without warning.
It is presumed that the headless kamikaze enemy, who represents racist depictions of Muslims, is to blame for the recall. Developer Croteam have yet to make a statement regarding the accusations of promoting joining extremist Islamic groups, but expect to hear from them very soon. Personally, I support Australia’s decision, as violence should never be glorified and censorship is always a good decision as the general public have proven that they can’t think for themselves.
Mighty No. 9 creator Keiji Inafune has launched another kickstarter for Mighty No. 9, this time for a venture that will, in his eyes, finally spell a successful start to the franchise - A South Californian Amusement Park.
Mighty No. 9 has had two successful kickstarters, for the game itself and an animated series. As the game is nearing release, three new kickstarter projects have been posted from Comcept, two for Might Number 9 Legends 3, and one for the theme park, called Mighty Number Land 9.
Rides proposed include a trip through a replica of Inafune’s mansion, a waterslide lined with $100 bills and a restaurant that promises great food, but never prepares it. With such ambitious rides, it’s a surprise that the asking price is only $400,000. The stretch goals include a vast history of Mighty Number 9, dating back to 2013, practically caveman times!
Remember, if you don’t fund Mighty Number Land 9, you are killing creativity and ruining the gaming industry.
Inside sources say that Sony is scrapping its virtual reality headset Project Morpheus for an investment venture that will prove more profitable - toys.
They say that Sony is always trying to keep up with the competition, and they have been noticing a trend of disinterest for VR headsets since the Oculus Rift has yet to be released after 5 years of development. The electronics giant has shifted focus on the competition that has been turning a tidy profit, Nintendo’s amiibos.
The tentatively titled project “Sonygros” is set to be announced at Tokyo Game Show this year, with figures from Sony’s hit franchises Uncharted, Last of Us and Talledega Nights to make the first wave of Sonygros available for purchase. Sony fans are sure to be delighted to have a figurine of the guy from Killzone on their desk as they game on.
Earlier in the week, big name Youtuber Jim Sterling decided to pick on a poor indie developer for trying to do something different. Digital Homicide has tried to challenge the claims about the quality of his games, culminating in a podcast debate.
This is just another case of Youtube bullying poor indie developers for doing more effort than making internet videos. As hard as Digital Homicide tried to keep the moral ground, Jim was relentless and just beat him down.
We live in a world where Youtube is the voice of law, and if someone popular on Youtube doesn't like something you make, then it’s over and your reputation is ruined. This hurts indie developers more than anyone else, as they are sensitive and are hurt harder to mean internet insults disguised as “criticism”, which is a product of patriarchal white privilege. Stop bullying indie developers, Youtube!
It’s finally happened, the last bastion for safe space gaming, Nintendo, has fallen to the patriarchy with its horrible depiction of gays in Fire Emblem Fates.
One of the new characters introduced in Fire Emblem Fates is a lesbian, but is not romanceable with a female player character. However, as a male character, you can use magic to make her not gay and thus be able to romance her. This is such a disgusting depiction of gays and Nintendo should be ashamed of themselves. Everybody knows that gays need more representation in video games, but not like this.
Gays should have better representation, much like women. Here’s a suggestion for this character - instead of being only romanceable by the male PC, she should replace the main character after chapter 1 dethroning him of his white male privilege. The game should then be about teaching everybody in the kingdom about how oppressed gays and women are, and that everybody should smash the patriarchy. Like in real life, because the character is gay, she should have superpowers too. This suggestion will make for a way more interesting game than the direction it is going now.
It seems like the world famous fighting game tournament EVO isn’t ready to accept Smash Bros. as a serious fighting game yet, as word has hit that Ryu has been banned as a playable character.
While it has been reported that Ryu’s inclusion to the juggernaut Nintendo franchise would have proved its worth as a legitimate fighting game, the committees at EVO are reluctant to give him some merit. The stated reason is because of the fact that he only got released too late to be considered for the tournament, but there are obviously ulterior motives.
The fighting game community just cannot handle the fact that Smash Bros. is the most technical fighting game that requires a lot of thought and precision to be good at, rather than just memorizing a shopping list of combos. Unable to handle that Smash is beyond the average fighting game player, EVO has banned the only thing that would be recognized as a legitimate fighting game in their eyes.
This is just like how society treats gays. Well news flash, gay marriage got passed, so Smash Bros being called a fighting game is going to happen soon.
Destiny’s Red Bull promotion reminds public that Destiny exists
Bungie’s title Destiny has come out with a new expansion exclusive to Red Bull drinkers, the controversial move has left dozens of game fans asking this simple question: “Wait, Destiny exists?”
The former Halo developers seek to recapture the market with this bold move, a large step up from Call of Duty’s Double XP Mountain Dew and Doritos combo. This move has been largely mocked by the marketing community, with Techland’s jab with a Dying Light water promotion. But the gaming community just doesn’t seem to care about Destiny anymore.
We surveyed hundreds of avid video game players, and only three of them could even remember Destiny at all, much less what the game was about. For all the marketing hype the game got, it got quickly overshadowed once it released by other, better quality games. Needless to say that this is a desperate bid to grab attention for a game nobody remembers, and Bungie should focus on developing a memorable game rather than relying on market stunts like these.
Anti-Piracy check to blame for Gotham’s faulty Knight
Earlier in the week, the hotly anticipated sequel in the Batman Arkham games was released on PC and consoles everywhere. However, a fault in the PC version caused Warner Brothers to pull the game off steam and block any more sales until the game is fixed. A forumer found out the cause of the problem: a faulty anti-piracy check.
In keeping with the tradition for Arkham games, Arkham Knight was to block the player from playing the game if it checks to be pirated. Arkham Asylum had a plot-important door inaccessible, City had the inability to glide, and Origins had the inability to even play the game if it were pirated. Arkham Knight’s anti-piracy was no different. As the game progresses, the game would check for piracy, and if the test proved positive, the Batmobile would play Prince’s Batdance on loop.
What really happened was that the game had horrible performance and it affected legitimate copies of the game. WB haven’t stated when the game will be for sale again, if ever, but it should be about time that developers take more care for their PC ports.
It’s been a terrible week in the world of physical items related to video games. Shenmue creator Yu Suzuki’s forklift, used to promote Shenmue III, has been stolen over the weekend. Police are currently investigating the case.
Suzuki was reported to be driving the forklift around the dry docks in Japan with a large banner promoting the Shenmue III Kickstarter when the assailant knocked him over and took it for a joyride. “It all happened in a flash, I was recording myself driving the forklift and asking where I could find sailors, and when I was packing up and driving to the next dock, I felt something hit me in the head. Next thing I know, I’m on the ground, and there’s no trace of my forklift anywhere.” Suzuki revealed in an exclusive interview.
While nobody has been suspected of stealing the forklift, Japanese authorities are working tirelessly to find the culprit. After all, a national treasure like Shenmue III is something that only rivals Dragon Quest in significance for the country. Fans have already claimed the culprit be Lan Di.
Only existing Yarn Yoshi amiibo sold in art auction
Paris, France A recent art auction has had a very strange exhibit for sale - possibly the only existing Yarn Yoshi amiibo in the world. An anonymous source has tipped us off about the transaction.
The auction happened earlier in the week, just shortly after it was reported that a large amount of Yarn Yoshi amiibos were destroyed. While this certainly reeks of foul play, Satoru Iwata was busy at E3, so it could not be a repeat crime. The anonymous winner of the amiibo had paid over €10,000 to secure it. Rumours were circulating that it could be someone from the Louvre, planning on putting the amiibo on display as fine art.
While amiibo have certain uses, such as having an AI fighter in Super Smash Bros., Yarn Yoshi amiibos are functionally useless. They would serve better as a museum display, to show off Nintendo’s might. The fact that someone would pay several thousand dollars for an amiibo shows how powerful the gaming giant is.
After receiving heavy backlash on the E3 reveal of Animal Crossing: amiibo Festival, Nintendo has quickly gone back to the drawing board and made a solution they think will keep everybody happy: They have created a board game board for the amiibo to play on.
“We realize that many people were upset with this new iteration of Animal Crossing,” President of Nintendo Satoru Iwata admitted, “We think it is because you have amiibo figures and amiibo cards for a board game, but no board for the amiibo to play on.” Iwata then procured a rough sketch of what the board will look like, scribbled on a napkin at a Five Guys from somewhere in LA. “I think that if we packaged the board, the cards and the amiibo all together in some sort of package, then people would be interested in playing amiibo festival.”
The napkin scribbles were unintelligible to me, but that is perhaps the genius of Iwata. He then went on the calculate a price, thinking initial price would be $300 for the entire package. “We think that this would be a bargain price for any Wii U owner”, he told me. Could this be the big break Nintendo needs to boost Wii U sales?
Yet another Nintendo leak happened, this time for Smash Bros. The Nintendo powerhouse series has got two more characters lined up for its already massive roster - Roy from Smash Bros. Melee and Ryu from Street Fighter.
Smash Bros. creator Masahiro Sakurai has spoken out about the leak, calling the people who mined it as just the type of people who play For Glory - someone who doesn't like having fun. He has, however, explained his reasons behind the two additions. Roy is a massively popular character that fans clamoured for ever since his creation in Super Smash Bros. Melee, and the hatred over Dark Pit hopefully will die down because of Roy. It’s what caused Ryu to be added is the interesting story.
“When Smash Bros. was allowed into EVO, there were several fighting game fans who were outraged,” Sakurai told in an exclusive interview, “They said things like ‘Smash is a party game! It has no right to be here.’ So I looked at all the games in EVO and found Ryu in every single one of them. It made sense that this character was the sole factor to determine how valid a fighting game is.” Sakurai then went on to explain how much attention to the source material Ryu will be given, making sure that he is respected as the video game hero he is.
How the Fighting Game Community will handle this is something only time will tell. Hopefully with Ryu added in, Smash Bros. will finally be called a respectable fighting game.
Steam updated their Terms of Service to address refunds, and how it is easier than ever to get a refund on a game you don’t like due to its unfinished state. Gamers have taken this message to mean that they can get a refund on games to harass poor indie developers.
Jake Hoskins, new upcoming indie game superstar, has cried foul about these new terms of service, as his game will likely be hate-bombed and refund bombed because it doesn't involve harassing women. His game, Super Lake Watcher 2016, is a marvellous looking game that is rich in storytelling and character development. However, much like most indie games, it is only half an hour long.
Steam’s refund terms have been revised to allow refunds for games customers have bought within 14 days and have not had more than 2 hours of playtime. This spells doom for indie developers worldwide, as gamers are purposely refunding indie games to drive creativeness out of video games. The only indie game that hasn't been refunded en masse is Hatred, just because it’s a game about killing women. The cries of “maybe the indie developers should make a quality product” doesn't matter when quality is subjective. I mean, there aren't national enquiries into fair trade or customer protection, because everyone knows that customers are entitled babies.
My friend Jake is going to be driven out of games development thanks to gamers with their backwards thinking and conservative world-views. Video games have the potential to be something more than killing and raping women of color, but gamers won’t have it.
Steam has single-handedly destroyed video games for everyone.
Earlier in the week, a video from Nintendo’s E3 direct got leaked to the public, crossing off one prediction we all had: Hyrule Warriors is to come to 3DS. I for one, am glad that Nintendo is actually making games for a system people have, this means more people can play it. If only they ported Hyrule Warriors to something better, like iOS. Nonetheless, let’s get some basic info about the port down
Tetra is playable
Among the many features that Hyrule Warriors 3DS boasts, the major selling point is Tetra from the recent Zelda Game Wind Waker HD is playable. This is a major step in the direction gaming needs to go, the ability to play as a WoC. I’m glad Nintendo has finally given into my demands, they must have been scared of incurring my wrath.
The King of Red Lions is playable too
That’s right, you can also play as the boat from Wind Waker HD too. Bet you didn’t see that coming either. I don’t know why he shapeshifts into a man, but I’m sure that it’s a glitch or something.
There is connectivity between the Wii U and 3DS versions
Having the 3DS Hyrule Warriors and the Wii U Hyrule Warriors talk to eachother over the phone will unlock both Tetra and King for both versions. As far as we know, this is the only way to get either characters on the Wii U version, much like Mewtwo and that little scruffy kid from Brawl in Smash 4 Wii U and 3DS.
Groose confirmed
That’s right, the main character of Skyward Sword is playable.... as a skin for Lana, the protagonist of Hyrule Warriors. On one hand, Lana is a clear objectification of women in video games, on the other, Groose is a heterosexual cis white male, so it’s no big loss.
amiibo support
Even amiibos get in on the action! Tapping an amiibo on the 3DS Hyrule Warriors unlocks a special general based on the amiibo itself, with special moves. Tap a Wario amiibo and you get a general that uses chemical warfare, tap a Marth amiibo and you get several hundred thousand rupee reward for killing the unique unit.
Liu Bei confirmed
A mysterious character was shown at the end of the trailer. Sources have confirmed it to be Liu Bei, from Koei’s new series Dynasty Warriors. Maybe this is some kind of cross promotion to get a whole new Hyrule Warriors-like game series out in the world, much like that Megaman character, star of Mighty No. 9, getting a new game series after his creation in Super Smash Bros 4.
Nintendo has since removed the video off the internet until E3, and is on the hunt for people reporting on this game. I am fearing for my life but the news must get out there.
On Wednesday, Sega published a video detailing their group statement, talking about the quality and uniqueness they have created over the years. While this doesn't showcase the Sega CD or the 32X, it is a rather bold video
What’s the most telling part about the video is the logo at the end, it swirls around into the center, possibly hinting that Sega is coming back into the console business after ten years of iOS and PC games. I welcome another Dreamcast, as everyone knows that the true place for gamers is on console, and not PC.
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