Ryah

Just a teenager Who tries everything But no specialty

[ryaheshi]

[ryaheshi]

[ryaheshi]

[ryaheshi]

[ryaheshi]

[ryaheshi]

My worst fear.

The fear that I have always been scared of

 

The fear that I always hated to even think of

 

The fear that I always try to avoid of

 

Become true in front of my own eyes, not allowing me to do anything.

Oh my dear, I wouldn't even wish this on my worst enemy. How come you became so dead with me like the roses that died from not receiving enough love? How come you became so dry, like a desert, that never even heard a drop of water? How come you become so harsh like a knife that has been unaliving the pure and innocent souls? How did my beloved you become someone I couldn't even recognise?

 

Your eyes.

 

They used to tell me how much you love me; they used to tell me I'm the girl of your dreams; they used to tell me how much you've missed me. But now? I can't even tell what they're trying to say because it's just like losing its spark, losing its love, and losing its soul, just dead in the eye.

 

Your body language.

 

Oh my dear, how much I've loved your little habits of blushing in the slightest movement of mine; how much I've loved your little giggles because you were too shy to admit that you love me; how much I've loved your nose twitches when you're sulking because I didn't show you any attention. But there's none of them now. No smiles, no giggles, no sulkiness, no anything. Just you sitting there looking at me with your deadly eyes, showing absolutely no interest, killing me both mentally and physically.

 

I don't know what has changed; I don't know what's wrong. But I know one thing for sure, and that is I don't want to lose the beginning and the end of my life, my love.

[ryaheshi]

Of all the love you crave you choose someone who didn't loved you

Yes i will.

All the people in the room look at me with the tears in their eyes, gasps even some of them curses at me.

But they couldn't understand how much I've ached for your and only your smile, how much i've missed your hands feels around me, how much I've dreamed about finally having the courage to get called by his girl. Because in the others eyes i was just his best friend who was there for him even if he failed her a lot. I was just a friend that he could go home and cry on her shoulder because he's beloved find an another man.

If only he could've give me a slightest chance oh, man.. I would've give everything to him.

Maybe not everything but

I could've give him the attention he always looked for because of his parents.

I could've cared for him because I know that perfect being like you should've deserved more.

I could've give you all my love and everything just to see that dumb smile of yours.

My dear i would i actually would.

But in the end you would still crave for her harsh words, you would still go running to her if she and i were in an accident, you would still wanted to love her even though she have never loved you like i do.

So if you're happy then what person am i to say something.. right?

[ryaheshi]

Sometimes I wish we weren't friends.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't the one that held you when you broke up with your lover.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't the one who set you up with the girl of your dreams.

Sometimes sometimes I say, not that I'm hating to be the first one you go to when you feel threatened or when you feel useless; maybe when you feel stressful, I just wish you found me.

When you feel loved 

When you feel joy 

When you feel honored 

But don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that I won't love you when you're at your lowest point of your life; no, my dear, of course not. I meant I wish when whatever happens in your life you always find me in a crowd of people, not that you want advice for some girl just because you wanted to accompany my business. You may ask me why.

If you ask, I would said because I've done the same for you, but if you ask more deeply, I would say, "I always search for you in the crowd of people just because I wanted to hear your voice till my ears blossom, to feel your presence till we melt in that place, to smell your scent till I'm out of breath, to appreciate you as if you're some kind of art" Because for me, you meant the whole universe. I mean probably more than that, but only words cannot describe how much your well-being means to me, my beloved. Even the afterlife isn't enough for me to love someone who's so perfect like you. 

[ryaheshi]

The discomfort of the truth

Hmm how should I start..

Should I start with how it feels when the only thing you can do is imagine and think about it, or should I start with the way it feels so wrong but at the end I know it’s right, I can even start with the envious feeling I get when I see everyone just enjoying their life together happy as ever.

The thought of someone finally loving me the way I love him is the purest, rightest feeling ever but the situation that I got myself trapped in never let me break free.

Always humiliating me, always offending me, always bringing me back to reality.

Everyone looks so right being loved but why can’t I feel the same way when I tried?

Maybe I’m just overreacting, maybe I’m just still a kid, maybe I just haven’t met the right person. But what if I already did and just making up a new excuses to same myself from this misery. The young me was raised in attentions, got loved by many and at least she knows love is a normal most basic thing but also the purest thing someone could go through.

But then present me is so scared of loving or getting loved by someone. If you ask why I just suddenly stopped sleeping and starts to overthink like when would the person that loved me finally understands who am I, or finally understands the mess that he got himself into just because he believed in me？What if that person leave me on a cliffhanger just so he could see me struggle, just so he could see me do anything for him. Or he is just a loser telling himself a big lie so he could finally understand how actual love feels like.

But he won’t get an answer for that. Don’t ask me how I would know I made terrible mistakes before so I know what leads to disappointment in this love thing. You can’t just lie to yourself and tell yourself to love someone just so you could go through a love. No you can’t.

Love is not the simplest thing you know.

Love is like a fresh taste of the newly made americano

The more you drink it the more you’ll get addicted to it

But if you got too obsessed to it It’s bad for your heart ,

Love is like a fancy red lipstick

Red lipstick represents boldness, feistiness, and a little bit of naughtiness

But you need to love every flaws of it

Even if it looks too strong on daily looks, Even if it doesn’t fit what you were thinking

Because if you won’t then that boldness of it just ends up looking fake,

Love is like a beautiful flowers that’s growing in at the top of the mountain.

You’ll get attach to it just from the sight

Looking so perfect, looking so luxurious

But if you get too possessive over it and try to snap it so you can always have it to yourself

It’s not a love but it’s selfishness.

Now you see I myself know one or two things about love but all this knowledge I have is nothing because in the end I’d still feel the discomfort in his arm, still feel the disgust in his desire, still feel the distance in his kiss. But what kills me the most i

[ryaheshi]

I can only dream.

I wish I had the audacity to confess my love to you.

I wish I had the courage to hold your hand and say I wanted to be yours.

I wish I had been brave enough to feel the honor of being your beloved.

But I can't...

Because the history that we share between us is not just something to throw away that easily, it is something that I am proud of, something that I rely on, something that I prioritize. Our connection was the dearest thing I ever had in my life.         

[ryaheshi]

7 mins of before dying

Every night when

The clock ticks at 3 am

Every soul finds me

Buried in my tears

Trying to remember

your voice

and your smile

Killing myself softly

inside and outside

for forgetting the

pursuit of my happiness

wish i could hug you

wish i could kiss you

wish i could see you

finally closing my eyes

drowns into the

dreamland of mine

searching for you

even in my dreams

done all the things

that is possible

and impossible

with you

even though ill

never see you again

can I please

torture myself

for the 7 minutes

of my memories

with you

getting repeated

while I die

with the regret

of not being yours?

[ryaheshi]

You know you're on my mind

The tears in your eyes knows that i was the only one who loved you when you were alone.

The echo of your voice knows that i was the only one that heard you when everyone silenced you with you're not enough.

The smile that cornered around your lips knows that i was the only one who comforted you when you were all alone desperate for attention.

I was the only one who loved you no matter what my dear. I was there when you needed someone, I was there when comfort and i was there when you needed courage.

Even though I was going through a lot myself I never left you alone because you were the only reason that i was actually on my legs till this days.

[ryaheshi]

Will you kill 1 person you love to save 100 strangers?

Then one of my classmate stood up and said " of course i'll definitely save the other 100 strangers live then just one".

The way he answered, the way that he didn't even hesitate, the way he was proud made me wonder about my being. Because i would destroy everything just to see him smile. Why would i go for 100 of eyes that i've never felt no presence before when there's one eye that admires me, helped me, loved me.

But does he think about it like that? or just like him?