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@sadwifeconfessions-blog
11/22/18
After over 3 years of not logging in, I’m back my friends. The messages in my inbox are so amazing, asking how I am and for updates. I am happy to report this blog will now be about recovering from narcissistic abuse, because that’s exactly where I am in my journey now. I’ve learned so much these few past years and my mission is now to help others get through similar situations and deal with the trauma. Remember, you are strong, you are capable, you are bold, you are you.
3/31/15
Today marks the 4 year anniversary of the death of my grandfather. He was the kindest, most gentle, hardworking, funniest, most loving person I've ever met in my entire life. I never heard him utter a single awful word, never ever raised his voice, always had a smile on his face and loved his family and friends with every cell in his body. Cancer took him from our family in the worst way imaginable. The last piece of advice my grandfather ever gave me, he said "always be ready." Those three words will stay with me forever. I have often felt his presence around me, especially during really tough times. It's like a comforting hug, I 100% know it's him. I know he's in heaven watching me and my heart aches to imagine what he feels. He was such a loving man, I'm sure he didn't want this pain for me. What would he think of my husband? What would he think of the way I've been treated by others for absolutely no wrongdoing? I don't want to make my grandpa sad. When you feel like being rude or mean to someone, just remember, that person is someone's daughter, mother, sister, niece, best friend......granddaughter. Someone's son, father, brother, nephew....grandson. I am my grandfather's granddaughter. I miss you grandpa. I would give ANYTHING in the entire world to hear you laugh again, to spend 1 more minute with you, to have you smile at me again....just one more time.
3/28/15
I want to write on this blog everyday. It's like my diary. These are the things I wish I could say out loud. My blog has been compromised. My husband knows about it, shared the link with one of his family members who has harassed me, called me desperate and a liar by creating a fake account. I stand 100% behind every.....single....word. Every syllable. Ever letter. Everything. I look forward to the day I'm hooked up to a lie detector test.
3/2/15
He cheated. I saw it. He told another woman "behind closed doors, you make me smile. You're beautiful." In the 4+ years with him, he never said those words to me. Ever. He never told me I was beautiful. He never told me I made him smile. Even after everything I sacrificed for him, all the pain I've endured....he never made me feel special like that. My heart just died. My trust in any man is broken. Romantic love will never exist for me. I don't believe in it anymore. It just doesn't exist.
Wow
I just read my messages and I don't feel so alone anymore. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. I am so, so grateful for all of you. Really, I feel very loved right now. Thank you!
One lie.
I’m living proof that one lie can change the entire course of your life.
I was supposed to get married on 2/14/14. I was supposed to wear this dress. Today was supposed to be our one year wedding anniversary.
Instead, I am alone. Alive, but alone.
Where does the lie fit in? Let me explain….
We got engaged in December of 2012, planned to get married on 2/14/14. When we started to plan the wedding (nothing extravagant,) he told me we couldn’t afford a wedding. My parents were in no position to help and I offered to get a second job to pay for it (he said no because I was working for his company) but he said no. So instead of pressuring him to pay for something we couldn’t afford, we eloped on 4/2/13. We eloped on a roadtrip in a court house in the middle of Alabama. $77.
I remember that day. I was wearing jeans, boots, a gap 3/4 sleeve shirt, a scarf, no makeup and sunglasses on top of my head. As I walked into the cold, empty courtroom, I felt lonely. My Daddy wasn’t walking me down the aisle, my Mom and sister didn’t help me get ready, I wasn’t carrying a single flower, not a single friend or family was there…..nothing. Why did I do it? I didn’t want to financially burden my fiancé. I didn’t want to start of marriage in debt just because of a wedding. I was trying to be responsible. I was trying to help. Since I was a little girl, I had dreamed of the day I married my true love with my family and friends around to celebrate. I sacrificed that, for him. For us.
Fast forward a month later, we went to Tampa on a roadtrip and as we were eating at a seafood restaurant, he confessed that he lied. THE LIE. He told me he didn’t owe any money to the IRS and he just told me that so we wouldn’t have a wedding. That was the day my husband broke our trust. That was the day I learned my husband was capable of hurting me on purpose, just to get his way. That was the moment everything changed. I’ve never felt so betrayed, it was as if someone took a hammer to my heart. That was my first true moment of heartbreak. My husband had taken a dream away, just because he could.
I often wonder….what would my life be like if that lie was never told? What if we had had a real wedding? What if he had never hurt me like that? Would we have built a life together? Would we have acted like true husband and wife? Would he have never denied me things like food or health insurance? Would we have lived in a house? Would my puppies have a yard to play in? Would we be planning to have children? Would we be cutting into the top tier of our wedding cake tonight to celebrate our one year wedding anniversary? Would the abuse have never started? Would I have never gotten sick? Would we be happy?
What would my life be like today if that lie was never told? I’ll never know, because that lie was told. It was told.
Today, I am alone. However, I am alive.
I am alive.
Life = hope. Hope = faith. Faith = everything.
Guess what? I'm getting married today! This is what the entrance to my ceremony looks like. Ok, maybe not TODAY but I'm putting it out there in the universe because it WILL happen for me. I will find someone who loves and respects me, I will find a kind man who adores me. I will find a man who will hug me and never let go. All I have now are dreams.
I'm so sorry you're going through what you have/are. But your blog is really helping me through a tough time. I have no one who understands, so when I read your words, I felt like sometimes it was something I was thinking or feeling. Thank you xx
This is exactly why I tell my story. As painful as it is, I'm glad I can help relate to anyone who needs it, anyone who feels alone, anyone who is in or has been in a similar situation. You are not alone! We will get through this together
1/23/15
I can't stop staring at this. Seriously, I can't. It's like all my dreams, replaying over and over right in front of me.
The first thing I'm drawn to is her. She looks so peaceful, so happy, so in the moment. She still looks beautiful in just jeans and a baggy, white shirt, carefree hair and she is happy.
The next thing I noticed is the man. He cares for her, he loves her. He enjoys his time with her and is relishing in the moment. He loves looking at her and wouldn't want to be anywhere else. Dancing through life with her. He protects her in his arms.
Next, they are in a home. A home that is so beautiful because of their energy. A home to share a life in, a home to share tender moments in. A home. Their love makes it a home.
This seems so out of reach for me, like it doesn't exist at all.
Tell me it exists. Someone, tell me. Is this your life? Have you ever had this? Does true love exist?
So powerful, all so true. Starting to feel not so alone and a little less crazy. He had my believing everything was my fault.
12/27 tired of living in silence
If people only knew who my husband was behind closed doors. In true Narcissistic fashion, people love my husband. He is so charming, nice and helpful to everyone else. If they only knew.... I've kept my mouth shut because of shame and my husband telling me what goes on in our home is "nobody's business" but I don't feel like I can stay silent much longer. It's not fair.
TimeHop, sometimes you suck. 2 years ago, Christmas Eve engagement. One of the loneliest nights of my life. He proposed in front of his family very quickly, no heartfelt anything, felt like a business deal. Then, no one clapped, no one congratulated me, no one welcomed me to the family. Everyone left the room, including my new fiancé and I went to the bathroom and cried. I cried tears of sadness. I felt trapped. I felt lonely. I was sad. Nothing special about this night other than I got a piece of jewelry which I can sell now to help start my life over.
12/24
Merry Christmas. My first without my abuser. My body has been in pain the past few weeks because it's almost like it's detoxing from being on anxiety level 10 all the time. My muscles don't know how to relax, I can't take deep breaths, I can't sleep well, I can't even think straight. When does the heart let go? When do you finally feel free? When does the pain stop? When will I feel normal again? Love you all, God bless your families and you.
12/22, 12:22AM
Dear friends, I haven't written in about 2 weeks because I've been very emotionally numb and the holiday season doesn't help. The day of my last post....I left. I moved out....again. I moved back in with my parents It's been so draining. These holidays still seen like a blur. All my body wants to do is sleep and rest. I want to enjoy the season, I just can't. Thank you God for saving me. Please keep me strong so I stay away from my abuse for good. Thank you everyone who has sent me a message. I read them over and over and my heart feels better. Once I get another surge of good energy, I will respond, I promise. Merry Christmas everyone, lots of love and peace for everyone.
12/7 pray for me
I’ve had a serious case of the flu since Tuesday. I’m still very weak and just need rest but of course that can’t happen around here.
It’s been business as usual for me around here. Laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc. This morning I was mopping the floors and when I finished, I felt really dizzy so I laid down on the floor. I began having a bad coughing fit and my husband just sat there. Ten feet away from me, in plain sight, he just sat there. Then 15 minutes later while I was still on the floor, he said “why are you on the floor?” I said “I feel really dizzy” and guess what he did?
He stepped over me to get to the kitchen.
You read that right, he stepped over me.
Not once, but SEVEN times. I counted 7 times. No offer to help me, no concern, no “let me help you get back to bed.”
Nothing. Oh, but he did scream “you’re such an asshole” to me when I started crying so at least he acknowledged me.
Pray for me to have the strength to get in my car and LEAVE. Please. God, please heal my body so I can leave.
12/6
It's about 4am here and this is one of those brain dump posts. Bear with me because I may just ramble but I need to get all of these thoughts out of my head because they are weighing on me. I don't think my life is normal. I used to think being abused was what love was but now I'm not so sure. I'm hearing and seeing too many stories that say otherwise. I need a chance. I need to break free and have a chance to find love. Someone who loves me for me. Who will speak to me, say "good morning," make eye contact with me, hug me tight, comfort me when I'm scared or sick. I want someone who says "see you later" when they leave the house and "goodnight" with a kiss before they go to bed. That is my dream man. Wait, is that real? Do men really do all those things? I don't believe it. I can't imagine a hug for no reason. What?? Yeah right. In my world, none of that exists. I can't even imagine what that would feel like. A world without daily tears? Surely, everyone cries everyday, right?? Right?? I question this because I see couple out and families that seem....peaceful. It's weird. Here is something that domestically abused people will know to be true: when you've been abused for so long, peace is uncomfortable. Peace is terrifying. Peace means shit is about to get REAL bad. I had a few days of peace last month. Then shit got real. He told me he didn't want to spend Thanksgiving with me. Ouch and gross. Ok, so I made other plans. Then on Thanksgiving Day, he told me if I left the house he was going to kill himself. Tears, hysterics, fear, pain, agony.....Thanksgiving 2014. He has also left me out of his Christmas plans. He told his children (who hate me because he made up lies about me to them) that he wasn't taking me home with him during the holidays so they wouldn't have to see me. This whole year has been a blur. No New Years Celebration, Valentine's Day was incredibly abusive, no birthday celebrations, no fall festivities, no halloween, no thanksgiving, no Christmas.....not a single ornament or piece of the seasons in my home. I'm missing it. I'm missing life. What if I die tomorrow? I won't know what it's like to have children and to be a mom. I won't know the joy of a wedding day. I won't know the joy of grandchildren. I won't know what it's like to find true love. That terrifies me. Then again, who could love me now? I'm broken. I'm jaded. I have a steel box around my heart. How could this have happened to me? I looked in the mirror today and it looked like I had aged 5 years. The light in my eyes is gone. I look like a shell of who I once was. I was charismatic, smart, funny and lively. I used to laugh. I forget what laughter feels like. Is it nice? I need a chance. I need to live again. I need to breathe. I need love. Does it exist? I'm not so sure.
