Je n'ai plus aucun espoir, un nouveau coup du sort pourrait me faire chuter / I’m all out of hope, one more bad break could bring a fall.. 🖤
・❥・ ch. synopsis: in which Ledger is forced to identify his demons.
warnings for this part: still 18+ (MNI or be blocked indefinitely) cussing/swearing, AA meetings, alcoholism, verbal berating, smut/brief hookup, and that’s it!
a.n: here we go, my loves ✨ I’m excited to bring this to y’all fr. One of y’all has more tea on this story than others — NOONY — but it’s okay, just stay along for the ride 😌 heed these warnings and all warnings going forward! enjoyyy 😚
CHIARA is pronounced kee-r-uh
on the jukebox: ‘Eyes Without a Face’ by billy idol ✨
.
What does it mean to dream? What does it mean to have? What does it mean to feel?
“Tell me about these dreams, Ledger”
“I mean.. it’ll start the same if not worse..”
.
“It is both my greatest honor and joy that I am bringing out next and final guest for the night”
The SoFi stadium was packed out on a night that wasn’t two teams competing against one another. Cameras everywhere, publicity, press and media personnel surrounding what they could.
Fans filled the seats like usual, dressed in their supportive gear. On the field, was a gargantuan stage at center mass. On said stage was a silver podium.
The crowds buzzed, both on a content level and fan level. Anticipation rang in the air as they took in the words of the presenter, mister Wyatt John.
“Your next guest is the epitome of resilience, hard work, determination, and dedication to his craft. Dedication to a project when presented to him. Dedication to seeing every single detail through”
Folks cheered, people whistled, cameras flickered, and clicked.
“Ledger Ward gave his life to the sport of football and the corporation that is the NFL. Not just for the monetary aspect when you’re damn good at it—“
People laughed.
“— but for the community, the fanfare, the love of it all. He uplifted teammates, assisted the team with outreach, and generously took his talents back home where he donated to not just schools in the area but his own elementary and middle school football little leagues”
The crowd work was overwhelming. It shook the stage.
“But this is not my story to share nor is it mine to make you understand. I am excited to give the floor to one of the best. Los Angeles please stand and give your best to the incredible Ledger Ward!”
From the curtains in the back, the man of the hour emerged. He dressed himself well— slacks, a simple dress shirt, black shades, and dress shoes. Not to mention, his shimmering, diamond pleated championship ring.
Ledger, with the biggest smile he’d ever known, stepped up. He took in more than the sun that day— the cheers, the cries, the yells, the chants, the smiles, the camera shutters, the everything.
Wyatt’s handshake turned into a hug that Ledger happily accepted. He soon took Wyatt’s place on the podium and peered out to the crowd.
“Thank you! Thank you all so much!”
Upon the quieting crowds, Ledger Ward began pouring his heart out.
He gave the crowd both a memorized, off the dome speech that warmed their hearts through and through. The final words tugged at Ledger, a deep sigh slipping past his lips.
“It is with a deep sadness that i say that I am announcing my retirement and departure from not just this team but this company”
Camera shutters, soft boos, gasps, some moments of quiet silences that you could hear a pin drop.
“But please don’t count this as a loss for myself or the sentiments that I mentioned. I am confident that stars have been built to fill my shoes and take this team higher than I could’ve ever dreamed of. Speaking of dreams, besides being successful like this, my wish was to always be a family man”
A warm, deep smile pulled not just at Ledger’s face but at his heart and soul.
“You all know that I’m married but I am excited to announce that my wife and I are expecting our first family together”
Happy tears blurred his green eyes, a loving crack in his voice as he spoke. Another roar in the audience sounded out, another shake in the stage commenced. Ledger felt the support.
“If y’all wouldn’t mind being this loving, I’ve actually brought my wife with me today—“
Ledger turned towards the curtain.
“—baby, you back there?”
From the back emerged a woman… with no face.
She sauntered out with a wave to the cheering audience, draped in a crème colored sundress, her protruding pregnant belly hugging the fabric. Dark hair pressed out in heated curls that flowed softly through the wind of Los Angeles.
The sunlight hit a piece of gold on her hand, immediately catching Ledger’s loving eyes. He couldn’t stop smiling. He met the woman halfway with loving hands on her stomach and a kiss on her… lips?
A dream.
Eyes closed and feeling it. That was until he opened his eyes. Ledger’s heart sank.
The crowd was still there, he could hear it. But the woman wasn’t— his wife wasn’t. Where she was, Kenna Roman stood. Holding Diem who laid her head on Kenna’s chest. Kenna who wore venom in her eyes.
“You’re a sorry excuse of a man and I wish every person in this crowd could see it”
Ledger frowned, still not quite understanding the sudden change in scenery. He pulled back.
“You don’t deserve this. You don’t deserve for people to clap for you, to cheer for you, to support you.. let alone to love you, Ledger.. that’s why I’m leaving.. and I’m taking Diem”
That probably tore Ledger the worst. Eyes teary but for the wrong reasons, for the saddest reasons. They flickered from Kenna to the baby blonde that snuggled closer to her mother.
“N-No— Kenna, no, please don’t—“
“Why not? So you can sit at home all day and get drunk? And forget about her? Forget about me? You only think about yourself, Ledger. You need to grow up”
Suddenly the scene around Ledger, Kenna, and Diem began to fade and break down. No more bright sunny day at SoFi. No fans, no press, no honorable look ons of those inspired by him.
“You’re a fucking mess and you’re alone”
Soon, Ledger was back at his house. His living room, on his couch. To his right and his left were empty bottles of cheap beer at his feet. His clothes— gone the designer, bring in the tethered, worn out, and dirty.
Kenna still stood before him. Diem still in her arms.
“You’re pathetic, Ledger”
All Ledger could do was look on, the tears in his eyes strayed down his cheeks. He watched her and Diem disappear into nothing.
Heavy emotion clouded and weighed Ledger’s heart, except he couldn’t bring himself to cry any harder than he had before. Instead, he reached at his feet for another beer bottle hoping it was full.
But something stopped him. A voice. Something so angelic, soft, and sweet. A stark difference in tone that said his name alone from Kenna’s distastefulness.
“Ledger”
He tried to ignore but and reach for the bottle.
“Ledger”
He frowned deeply, looking around his living room, only to see no one.
“C’mon, Ledger, wake up. You’re better than that”
The scene around him changed again to complete darkness and that’s when Ledger Ward realized—
His eyes finally opened to the white ceiling before him. The subtle sound of a lawn mower and barking dog somewhere in his neighborhood legitimized to Ledger that he was awake. This wasn’t a dream anymore.
An odd feeling settled in his chest, nothing like it before. Not since Kenna broke up with him.
He sat up and ran a hand down his face, grogginess suffocating him. A look around the room showed that Ledger Ward was a single, lonely, suffering man.
It was probably why Kenna left him. Clothes everywhere, takeout food bags elsewhere, and you could count on some alcohol bottle being on his nightstand.
His digital clock struck 12 PM. But his charging phone showed a clock and then some, a text from the last person he wanted to see.
‘You’re late, Ledge’
.
“Hey everyone, my name is Ledger”
In unison, the supportive group called back: “Hi Ledger”
Ledger Ward knew he was foul for holding up an achievement chip of 30 days sober before a group of struggling addicts knowing he was one himself. Knowing he hadn’t seen 30 days sober in years. Knowing the bottle was his anchor.
“I’m dedicating my 30 days of being sober from alcohol to my best friend Scotty who I think about every day. I loved him like a brother and I know he’s looking down from heaven, guiding me through every day. From this 30 days to the next”
Though his actions were false, the sentiments of his words were true. Scotty’s death was something that Ledger would never be able to reconcile. It just didn’t make sense.
He feigned a proud smile as the small group of 20 cheered for him. All except one. A glare from across the room, so heated that Ledger was determined to ignore.
That was until now.
“I see you got my text. Thank you for coming”
His mentor, Kurt Peterson, said from across the desk in his office. Ledger sat in the chair opposite of him, avoiding his eye contact.
“I can appreciate that, Ledge, I really can. You know what I can’t? Getting up in front of a crowd full of addicts praying on bended knee that they can see 30 days of their demons and lying to their faces. ‘S pretty fucked up, don’t you think?”
Ledger half shrugged, “how would you know, Kurt? I haven’t seen you in… 4 years? And we don’t talk outside of these AA meetings”
Kurt eyed Ledger got a painful, exposing few moments.
“You think I don’t know you and it’s really offensive to me, Ledge, actually. I know you. I promise I’d know when you’re doing better. Not to mention how long I’ve been running this place and when I see a lying addict versus a trying one. You ain’t tryin’, not by a long shot”
Ledger finally slumped, his shoulders dropping. He hung his head in a rightful shame as the same feeling swarmed his chest.
“What’s been going on, huh? ‘S gotta be more than still pickin’ up that bottle because of Scotty. I got you through that, Ledger, I thought you were doing alright”
Ledger stayed silent, he wasn’t ready to open that can of worms. Not about Kenna, not about Diem.
“How’s the bar going? How’s Roman?”
The man sighed, running a hand down his face, “he uh— I um— o-once I realized I was about to spiral, I put him in charge. Made him full time and put me down to part time to t-try and take care of myself..”
Kurt nodded sincerely, his arms folding over his chest. A burn seared in Ledger’s throat, a ball forming. He knew what was coming next and he was quick to stop it.
“You gotta talk to me, Ledge” Kurt mumbled, “last I spoke to you, the bar was your pride and joy. You had boundaries, you knew what it was when it came to drinking, you knew when to stop. You knew what to do whenever a memory of Scotty triggered you. This feels different, this feels new. What’s going on, buddy?”
Ledger glanced up to find that Kurt was already staring at him, stern yet inquisitive. He wasn’t letting Ledger evade anything.
He simply sighed, “she left me”
“Kenna?”
Ledger nodded and Kurt Peterson seemed to finally understand.
“She took Diem knowing Diem was the only person that single-handedly helped me through Scotty’s death at its precipice”
“Diem’s not your kid, Ledge—“
“It doesn’t fucking matter, Kurt, she meant something to me! She meant something to me a-and Kenna took her away from me. S-she knew I was suffering and she left me…”
Tears burned Ledger’s eyes once again, raw and painful. They slid down his cheeks with ease.
His chest felt heavy and sunken, he’d finally admitted the hard part of his feelings out loud to someone that… cared?
“So yeah.. yeah I relapsed, fuckin’ sue me, Kurt”
Ledger shrugged, chuckling darkly.
“I have nothing else to live for and there isn’t much convincing to prove me otherwise… maybe I thought lying about being clean for 30 days would make me feel better about how shitty my life is”
The person before Kurt Peterson broke his heart. This might’ve been worse than the version of Ledger when Scotty died, this Ledger seemingly had nothing to lose.
The light in his greens were starting to fade, his body language was turning sour, and his aura was depleting by the milliseconds.
Nothing to lose.
And somewhere in his soul, Ledger was starting to believe that.
.
So much to lose that it wasn’t just indulging in drinking, it was sex too.
Sometimes it was two women in a day, nothing more than that. Ledger just wanted to feel something.
Much like tonight. He didn’t need to know this woman’s name or anything about her. Her hand felt a little rough in his as he trailed her up his driveway.
From the driveway, into the house, past the living room, into his bedroom where he finally cleaned up. It smelled of cedar and oak, fresh sheets and a duvet on the bed.
Pulling her in between his legs as he sat down, the woman caught the message almost immediately. Their lips met in a heated match, in sync and moving well against each other.
“‘Need this off’a you, pretty boy”
Ledger chuckled, allowing her needy hands to paw off his leather jacket and toss his shirt over his head. He didn’t notice it the first time.
It wasn’t until he had this woman naked and bouncing on his aching cock that he could finally see the look in her eyes.
His hands gripped her hips hard, keeping her steady on him. She cried out and dug her nails into his shoulders, grinding and trying her best to meet his pumps from below.
“Feel so good, sweetheart” Ledger grunted and reached up to grope her breast. The nameless woman bit her lip softly and went to mimic his actions, her hand caressed his skin tight pectoral.
He didn’t notice it.
That was until her hand ghosted over the scar—his scar— that scar. Ledger caught her hand with a quickness, a searing grip at her wrist. She hissed at the contact.
His lust filled eyes suddenly grew cold as he stared up at the woman.
His thrusts still powered, a bit harder, a bit angrily. The switch had been flipped that fast.
“Don’t do that—“
“W-what happened?”
“‘S none of your business, you understand? You were doing so good up to this, don’t fuck it up now”
He slapped at the skin of her asscheek harshly making the woman cry out.
“But—“
Ledger’s patience was plummeting by the seconds. He reached up and grabbed the woman by the throat, bringing her down for a searing kiss. He felt her melt in and relax.
Fucking finally.
Anything if it meant she’d shut the fuck up.
“‘Jus be a good girl and give me this fuckin’ pussy” Ledger heatedly whispered against her lips, “don’t say any—fucking—thing else, just let me take care’a you, yeah?”
He fucked up into her like an animal, absolutely ravishing the poor woman. She whined pathetically and held onto the ride.
It was all she could do.
.
“You’re so fucking worthless, Ledger”
Another nightmare. This time there was no scenic view. No place, no event, nothing. Just a black void and Kenna’s face.
Kenna’s face that stayed with her nose turned up in disgust.
“Look at what you’re doing to yourself, you don’t deserve to be loved.. not after what you did to me.. or Scotty…”
Ledger, alone in bed, tossed and turned; a thin layer of sweat on his forehead.
“Scotty deserves to be here and if I had it my way, I’d trade you for him in a heartbeat. Maybe Diem and I wouldn’t have had to meet you.. had to have you in our lives if Scotty didn’t die”
There was a certain rise and fall of Ledger’s chest that grew unstable, he was getting angry. Angry, emotional, upset.
But similarly to the last time Kenna made a distasteful appearance, he watched her open her mouth to speak but she was halted.
In the same instance, Ledger felt a pressure on his chest. Except it wasn’t a heavy, uncomfortable pressure.
In fact, it was the complete opposite. Soft, gentle, reassuring, and loving.
Even in a dream state, Ledger could feel his body relax. He watched Kenna’s face disappear. The sound of a voice in his ear, had her face leaving even faster.
“Sleep, Ledger” the hand pressed firmer, “just go to sleep..”
Just like magic or something. He took one more breath before allowing himself complete release, plunging himself back to what was taken from him.
.
“Can I trust you not to judge me if i tell you this?”
Kurt Peterson chuckled as he shuffled his paperwork, aimlessly moving around his office. Ledger stood somewhere within the office space, arms crossed.
“Don’t laugh, just answer—“
“Well excuse my reaction of a very stupid question. Respectfully. Ledger, have I not seen you on the verge of losing your goddamn mind?”
“I mean, yes but—“
“Then that answers your question. From top to bottom, let’s go— I’m working but I’m listening— you’ve been having these dreams since Monday— okay. What’s so weird about ‘em that you’re asking about trust? Are you having sex in these dreams?”
Ledger hissed out and waved off Kurt, “No, Kurt, Jesus!”
“Okay great, not sure if wanted to know that. What else is going on?”
Ledger’s sigh is deep from his chest and enough to have Kurt glance over his shoulder.
“I mean.. it’ll start the same if not worse. The first few times, I’ll be somewhere, there will be a time and a place and it gets ruined. As of last night, it was just a… void. Complete black, darkness. All I saw was Kenna. With the first dream, it was Kenna and Diem… I think that might’ve been worse”
Kurt nods, still doing his own thing. Eventually, he sits down at his desk while Ledger still stands.
“I mean, the words don’t feel good”
“She talks to you in your dreams?” Ledger nods, “what does she say?”
“What doesn’t she say? She fucking hates me which is weird because she wasn’t like that when we were together… to her, I’m a good for nothing, broke ass drunk with nothing going for myself.. last night she said I was better off trading places with Scotty”
Kurt hissed.
“Shit, sounds pretty harsh.. you don’t believe that, do you?”
Ledger shrugs, “I don’t know what to believe, anymore, Kurt… and then, I’m getting woken up from these nightmares by a voice of a woman I’ve never heard in my life… she’s fucking saying my name Kurt, she’s addressing me in my dreams. By name”
That has Kurt frowning and leaning forward in his chair.
“Only heard? Have you seen this woman in these dreams?”
Ledger shook his head, a sigh releasing from him.
“The weird thing? It.. it doesn’t bother me”
Kurt watched Ledger physically relax a little.
“Her voice calms me down and makes me forget that Kenna was there in the first place. In fact, in one dream, the more she spoke, the more Kenna disappeared…. Couldn’t sleep for shit last night because of the nightmare I had.. I heard her voice and I actually slept”
The look on Kurt’s face was indescribable to Ledger, he wasn’t sure if Kurt was really understanding him or if Kurt was planning on having the man committed.
After a moment, he finally opened his mouth.
“H-how does this woman’s voice make you feel? When you hear it?”
Ledger took a beat, “seen”
.
After their one on one, it was time for the huddle. Retreating from his office and approaching the main room, Ledger’s eyes caught sight of the back of a dark haired woman.
A pang of familiarity.. a deja vu like feeling hit him square in the chest.
If that wasn’t enough, it was her beauty when she turned around and took a seated chair in the circle. A seated chair across from him.
She sat with a small smile on her face, arms crossed, a feeling of inwardness that Ledger recognized. She was a bit introverted and awkward. A crème cardigan decorating her arms, long enough to drape to the floor.
Dark hair? Draped in crème? Like his dream…
If that wasn’t enough, it was when she spoke. Kurt warmly stood before the group and introduced her.
“Friends, we have a new face among us and I ask you to do what you do best: make her feel more than welcomed. Folks, give a warm hand for Chiara”
She stood and smiled, quietly thanking Kurt as he took his seat next to Ledger.
“She’s got quite the story, Ledge” He whispered.
Quite the story indeed.
“Hi all, my name is Chiara Elaine Batiste”
“Hi Chiara”
She smiled.
“I’m here because I turned to alcohol when I shouldn’t have but at the time, it made the most sense and it felt like all I had. My boyfriend was killed but prior to his death, I was pregnant and had suffered a miscarriage during that. I was already grieving that loss then he left me forever about two months after that so it became far too much to bear”
Your composure was strong despite such tragic circumstances that you were describing. It had Ledger hooked and tuned in.
You stood tall, playing with your fingers but examining all of the faces in the crowd… including Ledger’s.
“The more I learn about myself, the more I learn that I’m tougher and stronger than the days where I’ve wanted to fall in. The alcohol had me weak and so dependent, and that’s not me. Nothing holds me down and keeps me small, nothing or nobody. The moment I felt myself start to slip, I reached out to Kurt and he got me roped in”
Chiara smiled over at Kurt in gratitude.
“I’m excited to be here and to keep proving that I’m the survivor, the fighter, and the winner in all of my stories. Thank you”
When everyone clapped, Ledger made sure he clapped the loudest. Or at least made sure you knew you were supported. He’d give you a standing ovation if you asked.
If not that, he was eager to approach you when Kurt offered it. Time felt slowed as Ledger walked closer and closer to you, you were grabbing a cup of water from the coffee bar.
When you saw the two men approach, you smiled. With your lips and the gentleness carried in your eyes.
“Chiara, I want you to meet someone”
Her browns locked on Ledger’s greens, he’d already been looking at her.
“Chiara, this is Ledger Ward. Ledger meet Chiara”
If it wasn’t your physical appearance that struck deja vu gold to Ledger, it was when you parted your lips after slipping your hand into his and shaking.
“Ledger… I like that. It’s nice to meet you, Ledger”
His heart plummeted and it felt like someone dumped ice all over him. This couldn’t be real.
2087
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