Untitled

[saladsfinger]

To my lover,

I am sorry.

I am pulling you down by the ankles as I am drowning at sea, not accepting your hand to help me reach shore.

and I'm sorry I've convinced you that's what you deserve.

There is so much i want to tell you,

and there is so much I don't.

everything that comes out of my mouth becomes an apology.

To my lover,

I am sorry.

You are my sunshine and I am decaying; I am eroding.

You do not deserve me, because you deserve so much more

and I will never be more. My rot is not enough to fill a stomach.

These bones are not worth the effort.

[saladsfinger]

I am so tired

I just want to go home. I just want.

I am so full of wanting.

[saladsfinger]

Everything good I’ve ever become,

has been ruined by my presence.

[saladsfinger]

When I got that message, my world stopped. 

Time slowed into a dark but soft loop of eternal guilt and depression.

Remembering your touch and love you gave me.

My brain knew, but my heart just wasn’t ready.

You destroyed me, but I can’t help miss your beautiful smile.

I will never forgive you, but i will hold on to our moments.

[saladsfinger]

I am sick of being sick.

The shallow rocks I used to navigate with ease, now trip me as I walk.

The fog I used to dance through with ease, now cloud my mind as I think.

The sun I used to grasp for with ease, now burns me as I reach.

I wish I could explain this life sentence

I was burdened with when my life started.

A life sentence of being hurt from the shallow rocks.

A life sentence of being clouded by the fog.

A life sentence of being burned by the sun.

A life sentence of being sick.

[saladsfinger]

thought I’d share this beautiful poem I read 🫶

Here's the plot:

I love a girl and no one dies.

I love her and we buy a couch together and no one dies.

I love her and that's the whole story.

CRYBABY - Caitlyn Siehl

[saladsfinger]

In the back of my mind, you're still here. Your voice plays on repeat in my head and every time I hear it, I can't help but give into you again.

I don't have the choice to forget you even though it's all i want. It's like no matter how much I try to move on, I still never can. It's like no matter what I do, everything comes back to you.

[saladsfinger]

I wish I could send my younger self a letter. I wish I could gaze into a mirror and count her freckles instead of her pimples. I wish I could cut up from fruit and feed her swollen stomach. But most importantly I wish I could send her a letter, warning her of her doomed destiny protecting her pure fate from her monstrous soul.

[saladsfinger]

It's been a while now and I know you've probably forgotten me, but I swear sometimes I can feel you.

[saladsfinger]

I have crafted the perfect shower routine.

I turn the water straight to the left, drowning myself with blistering hot water until my scars burn and the pain seeps itself back into the present.

I wash my body with soap.

I scrub it, roughly until the crumbs of skin tumble down the lines of my back, hoping one day I will scrub hard enough to make the memories disappear.

I wet my hair.

Lather it with shampoo and soothe my split ends with thick coconut conditioner.

I exfoliate before I shave to open every pore before slicing something sharp against my skin.

Sometimes I brush my teeth in the shower hoping to erase the taste of disgust that seems to live permanently

In my vessel.

I wash my face.

Wiping away my worry lines and the salty tears off my cheek.

When I get out, maybe I'll feel refreshed.

Maybe my legs will brush smoothly against my warm sheets and for once, i will feel clean.

But no matter what,

Never will I ever feel as clean as i did the day before you destroyed me.

[saladsfinger]

Nothing matters

We are on a tiny floating rock orbiting a fucking star,

which only one of billions. 

And Nothing matters

Not your ability to cheer someone up

Not your way of calming someone down.

None of that matters.

All your meant to do in life,

Is be you.

Do things for you.

Do things you want.

Don’t let anyone take control of your life.

It is your life.

[saladsfinger]

I've always felt like I'm too much.

Too loud,

Too anxous,

Too moody.

I feel as though I bother everyone around me,

I don't want to be too much.

I want to be enough

Not too much,

Too little,

But I can't seem to find the middle ground.

I'll always be too much or too little.

I wish I didn't feel sorry for myself.

[saladsfinger]

TW - ED

She was my best friend.

she was there for me when no one else was.

she intrigued me,

welcomed me with open arms,

made me feel wanted.

but with that

she brought pain.

and danger

and isolation from the rest of the world.

but she was there,

always there.

she never let me overeat,

always reminded me of my goals.

I caller her

"anorexia"

though in the end,

all she really wanted in exchange,

was my life.

[saladsfinger]

I dig and dig even when I can't

Searching for the words

The right words

Screaming

Suffering

Without the wind to help me breathe.

I begin to suffocate

Gasping

Losing

A battle that was never meant to start

The war against myself

My soul

My heart

Failing to keep everything straight

Creating delusion to keep me sane

Faltering

Dying

All because I don't know how to live

Not able to exist

Alone

Scared

In the darkness of the corner of my room

[saladsfinger]

I can't wait to live a good life with you.

To have coffee in the morning and love in the afternoon.

To hold your hand.

To kiss your face.

To love you loudly in front of everyone,

and then quiet again just between us.

[saladsfinger]

TW - SI

Nothing is worse than trying to end your life and having to experience the aftermath of not succeeding. I put my parents through almost losing a child. My siblings had to experience the news of hearing someone they love purposely hurting themselves. I'd never been so disappointed in myself, because if I was such a lover, why would i cause this much pain on those who I love the most? I put people I love in a situation where they could have lost some they made, raised, loved, protected and taken myself away from that.

[saladsfinger]

Burn Marks

I don't know who I am meant to be by now.

My whole life I've been full-speed down a highway with no exits. Just wondering how life got to this point and how none is here to help me find a path that doesn't lead to a dead end.

And through it all, i just want to know I mean something. That if I drove off the edge of the earth, someone would look for me in the stars.

I want to know I didn't leave burn marks on the lives I touched. That I didn't waste time trying to leave a footprint running after my dreams. That what I do want to leave behind will tell the story of a lost heart who wanted to be something more than a ghost.

I want everyone to know I tried. That my existence was noticed. That my purpose in this universe wasn't just to be another person who was forgotten in the midst of it all.