• KEY TO MY MIND • WINDOWS TO MY SOUL

Delve into the innards of my mind, be sure not to lose yourself along the way. Jamrock birthed. xx Disclaimer: All works featured are the intellectual property of Wanda Johnson.

[sammijowindows]

Red & Yellow Daisies

I moved on autopilot One foot followed the next But my mind was busy wondering As I drowned in my head Slowly my cranium filled itself with sorrows My mistakes, my regrets and my lacks Left foot, right foot I stared at the movement of one to another Past my shoes to the concrete pavement Past the ground, I could almost see my resentment Almost...

Then sprouting to my right, I glimpsed Two blooms of hope, full, bright and beckoning And I succumbed to their call, standing and admiring I claimed them immediately with my mind With my heart, my little silver linings I thought My spirit they lifted, my mind they erased And the longer I stared the more I seemed to see your face I had to take you with me so I did Shortening your life span for my sake Sacrifices you make my dearest My love, blood-stained and sun-kissed Your wounds are your blessing and the tale behind your gorgeous soul Your passion outflows like nectar, sweet to my taste, making me whole You did your part, your offering, letting me unearth you and all you can give Now it’s up to me and how much I love you to let you wither Or live

09|02|15

[sammijowindows]

Down Days

Sometimes I just need you Sometimes that gap I have widens And my chest tightens And my withdrawal leaves me gasping Time passing without you merely inches by And it even stands still whenever I watch the sky Sunny days on the beach Full moon’s howling screech Everything has remnance of you in my eyes

I can’t lie to myself But others swear my eyes Mean I’m happy meanwhile I’m mentally thanking the chaos around me For keeping me company, though oblivious And saving me from silence and myself

Solitude is dread, melancholy imbued For it is in my lonesome I realize just how much I’m missing you.

12|01|15

[sammijowindows]

Purpose? Error.

They say you aren’t your mistakes Yet I can’t seem to shake mine off They remain latched, attached Like vengeful parasites Sucking the happiness out of my life And those I’ve touched Nothing much, nothing more Than some sore, bitter phrases To remind me yhat I don’t only bring joy But a great nagging pain Reluctant to be forgotten, they inger insane With envy and wrath pointed Enough to make me sure That if I weren’t here anymore Then tragedy would shut them up As death takes their source of nourishment And I’d wait for them in Hell Peace for my loves As I receive my deserved damnation. ___________________________________________ Are You there? I can take this, right? Cause You are the master of my life And You told me through the gospel that You vowed to be my light If I seek You, and I sought In weakness and tears my heart I brought Not mine but a gift, I broke, as I struggle to nurture his love Ilooked within myself and found You again And pretended for a while You were my only friend To what end? Whit Your help I’ve decided to fix me But everything I’m avoiding seems to be finding glee In continuing to resurface and tamper with our ardor Is this you Lord? telling me to try harder? I’m tired of breaking and repiecing myself on unfamiliar surfacese Tired of dwelling in helplessness and trying to fix things with my wishes Tired of people I love getting hurt because of bad bonds I’ve made and lost Tired of fighting and fighhting in what seems like and endless battle, at what cost? I continue to follow that voice, Your voice? that tells me there’s much more Much brighter, much better, waiting for you out there “I’m only preparing you,” it tells me, “none of this will seem fair” I can only pay for patience and strength, let my faith give You time Just a little bit longer and I’ll be fine.

08|12|14

[sammijowindows]

Tears

It’s just water, right? ...Kind of Well mostly, plus other stuff Your body doesn’t want Unwanted, exiled, pour they pour Just a trickle, drip, then decants a ton more If the body doesn’t want it Why does it hurt to let them go? Why does the salty release of my pain throb my brain so? It has no nerve enedings, no blood Yet every drop is a part of me suicide jumping Like beheading, a tear is slashed from my eye And rolls down my cheek setached, I cry To release the hurt, but the hurt hurts me back Wrenching moans from my chest, my throat, my lacks Are pryed out of me like muffled screams Salty streams And though it seems The power of niagra lies beyond my eyes What’s real Is that’s the weakest I will ever feel.

18|10|14

[sammijowindows]

Sunday Thoughts

Each sunday leaving church I smell death, stinks, roadkill, i think Poor squirrel, I think, or bird, maybe But this morning a different thought adorned me And as I inhaled the lifeless odour I imagined a piece of my body die And the rebirth of a piece of my soul I imagined a sort of philosophical resurrection A gradual sanctification of my spirit I daydreamed a bit, of each time I worship Leaving church with my soul a little cleaner A little lighter, a little more transparent Always fulfilling another half, never reaching one hundred percent Because I am not perfect, I am not worthy And I will never be completely pure I can only hope one day to be pure enough To dwell with You in eternity.

05|10|14

[sammijowindows]

Valentine’s Day Poems, Ew.

So you’re gonna give me 24 hours To rush out and get ma love some pretty flowers A cliched rose to emulate three words A huge stuffed bear to make you know you rock my world Some jewelry so you can wear me everywhere A fragrance so you can sense me in your air To dinner so we could sit and gaze and bond Show me off in my elegance, let them know “I’m the one” To the beach to admire you half-naked and tanned We’d walk along the sand swinging hand in hand Like in the movies, we could hit up a theatre Though we’d only see the film in that darkness together Except that I’d do these things with you any day Out of the desire to love you all the time in many ways And I’ll give you a gift even though all we need Is each other’s pure whole hearts to satisfy our greed Your lovealready has me soaring off the edge of a cliff So take a guess, what would be the ultimate gift? To see that smile everyday for a lifetime So darling, be my forever Valentine?

14|02|14

[sammijowindows]

Eve’s Curse

Blinded by my emotions; Literally clouded glassy eyes pour, Falling from my eyes as hardened crystals, Blocking me, tough cataracts.

I can’t see, but I can feel Way more than I’m used to; Way more than I need to, And it’s more than I can handle. My psyche is bigger than I am, Overwhelming, overpowering And it claws at my insides for release. So I create a vent for ease, Small enough to hide, Big enough to pour… 

What have I done? I feel no exit, only the addition of pressure. No release occurs, but instead my vent captures Weakness, betrayal, disrespect for self and temple, And in no time my healing Has made everything worse Eve’s curse.

18|07|14

[sammijowindows]

It’s Peculiar, My Love

It’s peculiar really. How badly I want you near, When I’ve only just finally gotten you out of my hair; And how sulky and longing I am for your touch, After I’ve blatantly expressed no need to see you that much. We argue, I ignore you, Now watch me writhe and heave At the very sight, much less the thought of having you leave. And I wonder For longer How much can I take? Of this builup of emotion your absence doth make… When it bursts and starts to overflow and leak through my fingers, Help lingers. See my S.O.S? Or need I find help closer? Someone to come contain my leakage, Hush me, hold me, Pause my sufferage; Do everything you can’t do from miles away. The time I take to miss you he’d come make me okay. Except I won’t, Because I know his efforts would be futile. ‘Cause no one can take your place, not even for a short while. No one fits the criteria of a worthy distraction, ‘Cause how do you distract from days of growing adoration? Months and months of feels and surviving constant separation, Hundreds of days of risks and road trips to maintain or connection; A million silent moments staring in unbroken admiration? You don’t. Because you think you can. Only, you can’t. It’s peculiar How easily difficult is to, In absence, Fake love another. -WJ.

04|01|14

[sammijowindows]

I Mourn My Lacks

Unlike the usual homosapien, I don’t cry… No lie, water doesn’t just noisily leak from my eyes Or glands, I shed tears for a loss. Something has to have fled to trigger optic decanting. I mourn, And yes, I do have my losses and Cut crosses, sacrifices, lacks, defeats; Lost sight of expectations I fail to meet. My purity, my faith, sent out into the world To go wonder. But they forget their bag of breadcrumbs. I go numb from their lack and other lacks thereof: My control, my sanity, my memory I grieve. Tired, my pressure ridden experiences made them leave. And as intangible and invisible my losses tend to be, The second they decide to flee, They reveal themselves to me. And if this lack of bliss amidst can make my liquids pour, Imagine more! An actual someone touching, taking something mournable! Watch my eyes fill with brine and flow stinging, Staining, slow; Wailing, straining my sticky cheeks, Flailing, love that I’ve had for weeks. Watch things become a Gone when they grow up, Ambitious much! Adults now, they leave the flock. And me. At the nest. There I solely lay. Awaiting more feels to come back, So I can cease mourning for the ones I lack.

12|01|14

[sammijowindows]

We Call Them... ?

Uhh… destiny? You interact with many of your kind in life, But ultimately you pick a few humans that act to your liking , Whom you mesh with, flow with in the wind. Cousin leaves, finding our branch home Through shared traits, an artistic passion maybe. Daily we’d talk, craving each other’s company. You don’t want me, you need me. You, I need; Mutualism. Symbiotically parasitic, we feed off each other’s inviting essence, Friendly presence, your alliance true. No, you cant go. Literally, you’re incapable. Betchya didn’t know that when you picked this subject, You picked a lifelong confidant, Comforter, supporter, entertainer, partner in crime. We have time, To grow, to make our kids be friends; More human-human mutualism. And emulate what we had, what we have, What we’ll tell our grandkids about. Leaving a legacy behind, Of our essentially fated link.

12|01|14

[sammijowindows]

Bleeding’s Not Funny, Period.

When my red zone initiates, I shed my pink matter, And along with it goes my gentle and patient character. New chapter, some antagonist’s ego’s alter, Filled with agony and wrath and It’s my most loved I’m after. Consuming, this monthly phase tugs at you, Becomes you; Snapping at passers-by to close, Hurting those you feel for the most , Leaving you alone and wanting, Needing, desperate for relief . Confine to a foetal crouch, ‘Tis more than your average primary ouch. Vacuuming drugs, achieved pill popper, Trying to escape the depths of this- Rest of this- Pain, you can’t stop her. Then gradually, suddenly, it stops eating at her; Loved ones left hurt, But she has no recollection of the Monster that was her.

07|11|13

[sammijowindows]

The Lost and Aarysent

I found him finding himself, Binding himself a thatch path of His personal version of lifestory; Stepping over the past, the gorey Without a companion, needing somebody. And I was drawn to his unspoken necessities, His unwritten wants, His unpleaded cries of strength; Refusing to share the gore with anyone else, Moses parted others’ troubled waters all by himself. He was sent, he believes, For solely the obtaining and enduring of pain; An assumption he’d made from the weight of life’s strain and vainful fights. Heavy plights contained And sucked up after solid tears; A minute and conspicuous naked moment, And he’s ready to get back to work again, Suffer again, Fulfill his purpose again… For the happiness of others he absorbs a hurt true, Not understanding he deserves to be made happy too. -WJ.

14|12|13

[sammijowindows]

Cardiac Schizophrenia

My heart flows like a river anticipating its climax, Rushing and eager to reach its rapids, To release that laminar buildup And passionately burst over protruding metamorphic rock. My heart it beats like the reply to a drum core, Answering to the friction of fingers against goatskin; The conjuring of the needy. Post-freedom desires of prosperous futures and living, And seeking a forever companion with whom to live it. My heart sprouts wings and flies with the eagles. Taking me on a high with the highest. Blissful happenings steal my heart away; I bare my teeth in response- The best happynesses have an opposing force. Sometimes, My heart disappears. And I’m gaping and frigid. And out my contagious emptiness pours Into the full hearts of my lovers and loved. An endemic mood shift of gloom and lack plagues; Secrets kept, Hurt unwept, And my blood flow, nonexistent. Numb. My heart’s felt it all and all of it its eyes have seen; Sentients.

14|12|13

[sammijowindows]

5am

Cool, calm, collected, Clement mornings- Cumulus clouds caressing the atmosphere’s pale hue, Politely interrupted by seagulls squawking sweetly soaring Over the ocean greenish-blue. Guide my footsteps towards the foam fumbling, Bubbling, onto the shores to my toes. Swash it flows And backwash it draws me in, But I choose to rest here on this tan pearly gravel- Salty sand softly seeping into my body crevices; Sneaky, but comfortable where it belongs. Sea air comes rushing inland from dramatic deeper waters; Chill-induced laughter, Chatter, shiver for a second Before the sun gets its cue And comes out to meet the latter AM, And opened eyes and hastened heartbeats Commence to disrupt a serene beauty that was. -WJ.

17|12|13

[sammijowindows]

The Big One Eight

The border between childhood and adolescence is but a single digit, Single rigid unit changed after the universal immature One. For as long as One starts the definition of your life’s timeline, You are fate’s foetus, still in training for the world; Still discovering, still embracing errors, Still eloping and discarding unsuitable fellows, Still wondering about life’s complexity, Still excited, genuinely About that first walk, That first talk, That first bath of fresh air And whiff of actual real-life roses. It’s our experiences that our true transition comprises of, That single digit, rigid unit; So minute seeming, But boldspaced, THICK, italic and underlined In its underrated depth and significance.

25|12|13

[sammijowindows]

The Tale of a Boy

I know a boy who knows a boy who thinks he has no time. No time to laugh, no time to love, no time to treasure mine; Who mopes around and jokes around at intervals alligned. This boy I know who knows this boy is lost in his own mind. I know a boy who knows a boy who blames himself a lot, Who spits sorrys more than ‘the sorry’s sorrys fallen from lips have shot; Escaping into realms of all possible condiments in pesimissm’s pot, Losing hope in genuine happyness, leaving it behind to rot. I know a boy who I wish was closer to that boy he knows, To let him know his lifeline may stretch further than he says it goes. Possibilities of endless complex phenomena foretold in columns and rows; Life and all its grandeur travels in whiffs of wind it blows. And what if this boy was right, it scares me to wonder, About the fate of the boy he knows I know and the detriment he’s under… ? And what if these boys and the body they share cease to exist for longer, And the boy I knew that knew that boy slips willingly from life’s fingers… ?

31|12|13

[sammijowindows]

~546

~546 miles From me for the first time since we eloped, And those 546 gaps between us is a cutlass to both our throats. The distance is live and felt, Burning, yearning through technological screens; Irking, willing days to pass faster- screams Of unsatisfied needs stuck in my trachea. 546 male possibilities Stalking, prowling, surround me, But I remain stable ‘Cause they aren’t able to fill the empty- Ness in my chest; it’s an enzyme-substrate complex And I’m your active site, matching right. My black knight. Who’d climb 546 steps, jump 546 mountains, swim 546 seas Against storm breeze just to feel.. My essence, And bathe in my aura. And for 546 years that would be sufficient. My lover, my love, I love the way you love, And miss, and kiss, and touch then thank Above. - WJ.

28|07|13