🤍

learning. unlearning. growing. documenting the in-between moments ✍️

[samsedayon]

I signed up for TikTok affiliate and now I have a headache

Okay so I thought it was going to be simple. Click a few buttons, link some products, done. Easy money, right? Wrong. So wrong.

I am sitting here staring at my screen trying to figure out the TikTok Shop dashboard, the affiliate center, the product marketplace, the commission rates, the showcase tab, and whatever else they expect me to know before I can even post a single thing. There are tabs inside tabs. Settings inside settings. I clicked something and I genuinely do not know what I just agreed to.

Nobody told me it would feel like applying for a second job. I just wanted to make a little extra on the side. Maybe recommend stuff I actually like. But now I have to understand analytics and order tracking and sample requests and product ratings and okay, I need to stop listing things because my head is already killing me.

I know I'll get there. I know once it clicks it'll click. But right now, in this exact moment, I am overwhelmed and I am tired and I have seventeen browser tabs open and I don't know which one to close first.

If you're also starting out and feeling the same way: hi. You're not alone. We are confused together. Let's figure this out one painful tab at a time.

[samsedayon]

Dear me,

I know you’ve been carrying more than you admit. You smile through things that quietly exhaust you, stay strong when you really want rest, and keep going even when you feel unsure of where you’re headed. I need you to know that I see you.

You are not behind in life. You are growing at your own pace, even on days that feel slow and unproductive. Every mistake, every delay, every heartbreak has shaped you into someone more aware, more resilient, and more capable than you realize.

Please stop being so hard on yourself for not having everything figured out yet. Life is not a race, and healing is not linear. You are allowed to pause. You are allowed to change your mind. You are allowed to outgrow people, dreams, and versions of yourself that no longer fit who you’re becoming.

I hope you remember that your worth is not measured by your productivity, your salary, your appearance, or how much you do for other people. You deserve love, peace, and kindness simply because you exist.

There will be better days. Days where your chest feels lighter, where your laughter is genuine again, where you no longer question whether you are enough. And when those days come, I hope you look back at this version of yourself with compassion instead of criticism. You survived things that once felt impossible.

Thank you for not giving up.

Even when you were tired.

Even when you were disappointed.

Even when nobody noticed how hard you were trying.

I’m proud of you for staying.

Love,

Me

[samsedayon]

My skin came with its own constellation

I have five moles on my arm and if you squint, they form a triangle. I only noticed recently and now I can’t stop looking at them.

Like… my body just did that. On its own. No input from me whatsoever.

I started looking it up and apparently triangle-shaped mole patterns have a lot of meanings depending on who you ask. Some say it means you’re destined for something big. Some say triangles represent balance and strength. In some Filipino beliefs, mole clusters are actually considered lucky marks. And there’s this idea that moles are like your own personal star map, connected to the sky the night you were born.

Or it’s just biology and my melanin was being creative. That’s also valid.

Honestly I don’t know which one I believe but I’m going with the star map thing because that sounds way more interesting than the alternative.

Your body is out here doing little art projects on you without telling you. You just have to slow down enough to notice.

Check your skin. You might have a whole constellation on you too.

[samsedayon]

Hi. I'm back. I think.

I missed this. I genuinely, truly missed this little corner of the internet. There's something about Tumblr that just feels different from everywhere else. No algorithm trying to push content into your face, no pressure to be polished or put together. Just people typing their thoughts into the void and somehow feeling better after.

I especially missed ranting here. Because ranting on Tumblr hits differently. You're not performing for anyone. You're just. Talking. And maybe three people will read it and one of them will reblog it with "this" and somehow that's enough. That's the whole experience and I love it.

Life has been a lot lately. The kind of "a lot" that makes you go quiet for a while because you don't even know where to start. But I think I'm ready to start talking again. Or ranting. Probably ranting. We'll see.

Anyway. How are you guys? And I mean that sincerely, not just as a filler line. How are you actually doing? Are you okay? Are you eating? Are you drinking enough water? Lol

[samsedayon]

Why do some people act like they have a vote on your life choices?

Nobody asked, and yet here they are. Fully equipped with opinions, comparisons, and a whole script of "dapat ganito" and "dapat ganyan." Like they stayed up the night before preparing feedback on your life that you never requested. It would almost be impressive if it weren't so exhausting.

The comparison thing is what really gets to me. Because it's never just a comment, right? It always comes with this underlying message that the way you're doing things is somehow wrong. That someone else's path is the correct one and yours is a deviation that needs fixing. People are different. Preferences are different. What works for one person can completely fall apart for another, and that's not a flaw, that's just how humans work.

What surprises me the most though? The ones doing this are teachers. Actual, professional teachers. People who studied human development, who stand in front of classrooms full of different kinds of learners every single day, who are supposed to understand more than anyone that people are not one-size-fits-all. And yet. And yet they're out here acting like there's only one right way to live. The irony is not lost on me.

I've gotten to a point where I just let them talk. I nod. I make the face. But in my head I am having a completely different conversation with them, one where I actually say everything I want to say, and honestly? I win every time. It's the only part that keeps me sane.

I'm not asking anyone to agree with my choices. I'm just asking to be left alone to make them. That's it. That's the whole request. It's not complicated.

[samsedayon]

I don't even know how to explain what's happening in the Philippines right now. I really don't.

There are days when you open the news and it just hits different. Not in a "wow this is wild" way but in a "why are we like this" way. A shootout inside the senate building. A senator wanted by the ICC who keeps appearing and disappearing like a bad dream. Another senator caught on record saying hide the CCTV footage. And on top of all that, an impeachment trial for the sitting vice president. This is not a political thriller on Netflix. This is Tuesday.

And the worst part is you're not even surprised anymore. That's what gets me. The bar has been lowered so many times that chaos in the halls of government just feels like background noise now. We've been conditioned to just absorb it and move on, because what else can you do? You go to work, you commute, you pay your bills, and somewhere in Manila, people with actual power over your life are out here acting like extras in a teleserye.

I get why people want to leave. I really do. When you look at all of this and then think about what it costs just to live a decent life here, the thought crosses your mind. It's embarrassing to admit but it does. Not because you don't love the country, but because you're tired of loving something that keeps getting let down by the people who were supposed to take care of it.

But then. I don't know. There's still something that makes you stay, or at least makes you hope. Maybe it's the people around you. The ones who still show up, still care, still get angry because anger means they haven't given up. Maybe that's enough to hold onto for now.

I hope things get better. Genuinely. Not in a naive way, but in the way that you hope for something even when you're not sure it's coming. Because the alternative is deciding it's hopeless, and I'm not ready to do that yet.

[samsedayon]

📌 May 11, 2026

This is the reason why I have been so quiet lately. No posts, no updates, barely even online. I was busy. Really, genuinely, excitedly busy.

The house is done. The gate is up, the walls are standing, and it looks exactly like something we dreamed about for a long time. There were days it felt so far away, but look at us now, standing in front of something that is fully and completely ours.

The past few weeks have been a blur of planning, buying this, buying that, going here, going there. My brain has been running nonstop and honestly I would not have it any other way. Every trip, every decision, every exhausting errand was worth it.

Moving in is next and that has not fully hit yet. The things are getting packed, the plans are coming together, and soon this place is going to feel like home for real. We started from nothing and we are so proud of how far we have come.

So that is where I have been. And I think it is a pretty good reason to disappear for a while.

[samsedayon]

where did i go?

i’ve been MIA lately. not in a dramatic way, just… quietly absent. no posts, no updates, barely even lurking. i didn’t plan it. it just kind of happened.

i think sometimes you disappear from online spaces because real life gets loud. not even in a bad way, necessarily. just full. and when things get full, something has to give, and for me it’s usually this.

i’m still here though. still figuring things out, still going through the motions of days that feel both ordinary and a lot at the same time. just doing it a little more quietly than usual.

anyway. hi again. i missed this little corner.

[samsedayon]

I just woke up and it’s 4:20 in the morning. I can’t fall back asleep, and out of nowhere, that song started playing in my head again, “Fruitcake.” It’s funny how certain songs don’t just stay songs. They become little time machines. One second you’re lying in bed staring at the ceiling, the next you’re somewhere else entirely, somewhere softer, somewhere younger.

Back in high school and even in college, I got pulled into being the main vocal for a local band here in Bacolod. You know the type, joining every battle of the bands we could find, chasing that rush, thinking maybe this was it. Lol. That phase lasted until college, and then life just shifted. After graduation, I went straight into trying to find a job, trying to be practical, trying to grow up faster than I probably needed to.

But music like that never really leaves you. I’ve been a fan since high school, the kind that doesn’t fade even when everything else changes. I still remember going to Eli’s concert at school (USLS-Bacolod) when I was in college. I went alone, bought my own ticket, didn’t care if no one came with me. I just knew I had to be there. And until now, I still keep that ticket. It’s tucked away somewhere safe, like proof that that version of me really existed.

There’s something about “Fruitcake” that feels warm and strange and a little bit nostalgic in a way you can’t fully explain. Maybe it’s not even about the song itself anymore. Maybe it’s about everything tied to it, late nights, loud amps, unfinished dreams, and the quiet understanding that some parts of you never really move on.

And here I am, years later, wide awake at 4:20am, with the same song echoing in my head like it never left. Some things really don’t.

[samsedayon]

When “advice” stops feeling like care

Sometimes the hardest part of being in a relationship isn’t even the relationship itself, it’s the people who think they have a say in it. The in-laws who constantly suggest how things should be done, what decisions you should make, how you should live your life. Advice that isn’t asked for, repeated over and over like it’s something you’re obligated to follow.

At first, you try to understand. You tell yourself they mean well, that maybe it’s just their way of caring. So you listen, you nod, you try to be respectful even when it already feels like your own voice is getting smaller in the process.

But there’s a limit to patience. There’s a point where “suggestions” stop feeling like help and start feeling like control. When your own choices are constantly questioned, when your boundaries are ignored, when what you want is treated like it matters less just because they think they know better.

And it builds up quietly. The irritation, the frustration, the feeling of being cornered in your own life. Until one day you realize you’re no longer just annoyed, you’re exhausted. Drained from having to defend decisions that shouldn’t even need defending in the first place.

You’re allowed to choose your own way. You’re allowed to say no, even to people who expect you to always say yes. And most of all, you’re allowed to protect your peace, even if it means finally standing firm against voices that never learned how to listen.

[samsedayon]

Sold my iphone 15 pro max today. I thought I’d just feel relieved, like okay, that’s done, one less thing to think about. But for some reason, I felt this quiet heaviness instead. I didn’t expect it to hit me like that.

I don’t even fully understand why I get like this. It’s just a phone, right? But I get attached so easily, not just to people, but to things too. Objects that carried parts of my routine, little pieces of my everyday life. And somehow, letting go of them feels like letting go of a version of myself.

What really got me was packing everything up. The accessories, the phone cases, the small things I didn’t think twice about before. Suddenly they all felt… sentimental. Like they held memories I didn’t realize I was storing. It made everything feel more final.

Maybe it’s not really about the phone. Maybe it’s about change, or endings, or how quickly things come and go. I wish I knew how to not feel so deeply about things like this, but at the same time, maybe this is just how I am.

Still, I hope wherever it goes next, it gets used well. And I guess I’ll slowly get used to not having it around anymore.

[samsedayon]

I got a canker sore. And of all places, it had to show up at the very back near my molar. It’s my third day now and I can barely open my mouth. Eating is a struggle, talking is a struggle, everything feels like a struggle. The right side of my cheek is swollen and it hurts so much. Every time I try to eat, I end up tearing up a little. I just want this to heal already.

I have so many things I want to do, and now even my work is being affected. It’s frustrating feeling this limited over something so small but so painful.

I already went to the dentist, and they told me that if I keep getting canker sores in the same area, I might have to get my molar removed. Apparently it could be hitting or biting my cheek, which might be causing all of this. That honestly scared me a bit.

I’ve had canker sores before, but never like this. Not this deep, not this painful, not to the point where my cheek swells up like this. I literally look like a hamster right now 😭

I’m on antibiotics to help with the swelling, and I’ve been using betadine gargle plus another mouth rinse the dentist prescribed. Saltwater rinses help too, even if they sting a little at first. I’m doing everything I can, just hoping each day gets a little better.

Right now, I just really want to feel normal again.

[samsedayon]

Our dog passed away.

He was the only dog who stayed with us the longest, 15 years. No breed, just a family dog, but I loved him more than I can properly explain.

He was with us since I was in my first year of college, all the way through graduation, and even now that I’m already working. He was there through every version of my life so far. It feels strange thinking about how much of my growing up he witnessed quietly just by being there with us.

Lately, Mac stopped eating much. Maybe it was really just his age catching up with him. Watching him slow down day by day was hard, but I keep telling myself that maybe this is kinder than seeing him struggle every single day.

While typing this, I can’t stop crying. It hurts in a way that’s hard to put into words. But I also try to hold on to the thought that we gave him a good life, and he gave us something even better in return: loyalty, comfort, and a kind of love that never asked for anything.

I will miss you, Mac. Thank you for being part of our family and my life for so long. I will never forget you.

You were our last dog. And I don’t think I can go through this kind of loss again. It hurts too much when a pet this close to your heart is gone.

This was your very first photo when you were given to us. You were so cute here, and you were still so tiny.

Rest well, Mac. You’ll always be loved.

[samsedayon]

I feel like i’m about to finish all my chocolate just because i’m craving something i can’t even name. Like there’s this empty feeling i’m trying to fill but i don’t know what it actually wants.

Maybe it’s because i stopped vaping. Maybe it’s my body looking for something to replace the habit. Aaaahhh it’s so hard 😩. Everything feels a little off and i keep reaching for anything sweet just to distract myself.

I don’t even think it’s about the chocolate anymore. It’s just… trying to cope in the only way i know how right now.

[samsedayon]

Day 2 of not vaping.

And honestly it’s really hard. It’s that feeling of looking for something to smoke after eating, or when you’re just doing nothing and your hands feel empty. The cravings hit at the most random times, like your body is on autopilot and expects it to be there.

Right now I’m already thinking about buying again. Like my brain is trying to convince me that one won’t hurt, that I can just “reset tomorrow.” But I know that’s how it starts.

Trying to sit with the discomfort instead. Trying to remind myself why I even started this. It’s just hard when the habit feels bigger than your willpower in the moment.

[samsedayon]

My vape is almost empty again. And somehow I can already feel that urge creeping back in to buy another one. sigh. it’s honestly so frustrating.

It’s like part of me already knows the cycle. finish one, tell myself it’s the last, then suddenly I’m thinking about getting another. I hate how automatic it feels sometimes.

But at the same time, I really do want to quit. not just say it, but actually mean it this time. I’m tired of going in circles with this habit, tired of feeling like I’m not fully in control of my own choices.

Maybe this is the part where it gets hard. maybe this is exactly what trying to quit is supposed to feel like. messy, uncomfortable, and full of second thoughts.

Still, I want to try. even if it’s difficult. even if I have to fight the urge one day at a time.

[samsedayon]

Why do embarrassing memories only show up when it’s dark and quiet.

Like all day my brain is silent.

But the second I try to sleep it’s like,

“Hey remember that thing you said 5 years ago that no one else remembers but you?”

And suddenly I’m wide awake.

Replaying it like it just happened.

Physically cringing into my pillow.

Trying to convince myself I’m a different person now.

But my brain is like,

“Are you though 🤨”

Sleep is free but at what cost.