this is madness

Let's burn. Let's turn rubble from a love to light; Keep warm in the storm - Breathe awake a little fire only for the lonely nights. Rip a line from the page and watch it fade up in smoke Sam Winchester . 30 . Hunter . Man Of letters

[samwchster]

ofembers​:

“The FBI thinks you’re dead? For five years?” That made her more curious about what her family, their friends, thought about her death. Of course, Jessica knew next to nothing about what Sam had been through since she died in 2005 and she doubted that she would ever get to know the greater extent of it. Too much time had passed and she didn’t doubt there were things he never wanted to talk about again. Though, his grieving habits may have even changed considering he kept a lot of the issues with his family buried because he wanted out of hunting so desperately. 

It’s been over a week since they met again in the diner and she was able to convince him that it was really her, but time hasn’t yet eased the electric feeling she gets whenever he touched her or their eyes met for prolonged periods of time. It filled her with a nervousness that she rarely remembered feeling before she had died apart from the first time with a boy in high school jitters. Now, though? So much is still up in the air between them and the time she had spent wondering if who they were now would still love each other weighed on her. Not like an apocalyptic onslaught of monsters left much time for romance, anyway.

Heart beating fast, partially because of him and largely because of what was about to happen, she nods with a timid smile that didn’t reach her eyes. When he starts, she obliges and bites down onto the gauze. She wasn’t queasy by any means, but her eyes focus on a stain of blood on his undershirt in hopes that not looking at it would somehow make it hurt less. While he worked, she tried to keep her groans and screams of pain to a minimum, but of course some slipped out. Muffled enough that the front desk wouldn’t get complaints like they usually did about her nightmares when they saturated her dreams. When he pulled back, she wiped at the tears that had fallen on her face, the blood she had forgotten about on her hands smearing across her cheeks instead. 

Chuckling to herself, she decides that was a sign to break up the tension with some humor. “Can’t help me cut up vegetables, but pretty good at sewing my stomach together.” A half-hearted teasing smile. She thought it was endearing, back then, whenever he tried to help cook or that one disastrous time he had tried to cook for her. Had that changed? 

However, she wasn’t about to let herself dwell on what all that she knew of Sam that simply wasn’t true anymore. “I – should probably get a shower before I end up accidentally blood in my eye. – Will you – stick around?” She really wasn’t looking forward to being alone tonight, but she wasn’t ready to say that quite yet.

“Yeah” he chuckles at the idea and part of the memory that led to it happening “If you ask Dean, he’ll probably tell you how proud he is of that. It’s kind of a highlight for him. We ended up on the FBI most wanted list, somehow, all while being chased by Lilith and all her demons. We were arrested and all her demons attacked at once, so the FBI agent got to see what we were dealing with and got us off the hook. Me and Dean are ‘dead’ on the records, thanks to him. Henriksen was a good guy.” Sam gives her the summarised version, of course, doesn’t mention for now how hard it was to fight all those demons or how things turned in the end, but it serves as a distraction to keep her mind off of what just happened and all the pain she might be in. 

“I’m still a terrible cook. Don’t be fooled by my healthy habits of salads and smoothies, it’s all because I can eat everything raw that way,” he jokes while using the cuff of his flannel shirt to gently wipe off the smudges of blood she got on her cheeks all the while making sure she doesn’t move too much or too hastily. He’d rather be the one in her position and she can probably tell from the way he looks at her, with both adoration and concern.

“Of course I will.” If he’s being honest, he’s glad she asked because he was wondering how to ask to stay and look after her like he wants to. He has a knack for looking and sounding too worried all the time and being overprotective. “In fact, I’m glad I won’t have to stay outside huddled somewhere, watching your window like a creep.” He says, not very embarrassed of his confession. He sets aside the kit because he’ll still need a few things from there after and kneels next to Jess. “Put your arm around my neck. I’ll carry you to the bathroom.” 

[samwchster]

ofembers​:

Her dreams had probably exhausted all ways for their reunion to play out, but she didn’t really feel prepared. As cliché as it was, she felt as though all of her nerves were on fire… wondering what this really meant for them but trying not to get her hopes up. She meant what she blurted out before they found their way to the alley. Jessica wasn’t going to expect anything from him and he did not owe her anything. If they ended up getting involved romantically again, it would be because they both wanted to. But the emotions flowing out of both of them would probably have anyone fooled. The love they shared wouldn’t go away with time or her death, but she worried it was also unrealistic to believe they would fall back together seamlessly.

“I’m happy you’ve had some pictures. And the in memoriam page my sister probably freakin’ turned my myspace into.” Her voice was a little breathy, but his tightened grip around her felt nice. For the first time in a very long time she felt safe and likely he could feel her body fully relax against his. “I guess I can’t truly imagine, but I can guess. I’ve missed a version of you that wouldn’t repeat the same words no matter what I said back to me.” Reliving memories in Heaven got old quickly when all she wanted to do was to tell him that she was okay and he couldn’t have ever known that Brady had been planning to kill her since they had met.

She couldn’t help but lean into his hands as they cupped her face, but his last sentence took her a bit off guard. “As in you weren’t okay… recently? Are you okay now?” Her hangover was all but forgotten, but she would probably suggest they at least get some coffee or something soon. Anything but stand talking in the middle of the alleyway. Now that they both knew the other was alive and the obvious abundance of monsters in town, she doubted it would be long before she was caught in the middle of someone’s plans against him.

Those weren’t worries for now though and she was fine with letting him steer the conversation, but she did have a lot to say and bits and pieces of it would probably be spilling out whenever her mind found a moment for it. “I know this isn’t really what you would want for me – or what i would really want for myself. I mean – I’ve always wanted to help people, but.. I guess it’s unlikely that I’ll be able to protect people from going through what the demon inside of Brady put me through… But I could at least save them from dying at the hands of monsters. The outlook isn’t so great here in Kansas, now, it seems.”

"Well, you always said I had ‘old people habits’ for keeping pictures in my wallet, but if I wasn’t old at heart, I wouldn’t even have those. I’m not sure if anything material even survived the fire, but I didn’t stay long to know either. I left town soon after the burial.” Despite the fact that she is now alive, the memories of those days are still very hard to go back to. He could hardly look her mother in the eyes without feeling the worst person in the world for being part of the reason why she lost her daughter. Plus, there was nothing for him there after what happened and going after what did all that was more important than anything. 

“Yeah, I’m sorry you had to deal with that Sam for so long, I praise your patience.” It’s sort of amusing to think about it, but he can’t fathom ‘living’ in a cycle for all eternity. “Heaven does suck, I can agree with that. Still beats the second option.” Fortunately, she was never at the ‘basement’ like Dean usually calls it and while the older Winchester had that experience, Sam would like to think he had it even worse.

Sam wants to consider the fact that Jessica has been alive for a couple of years now, but still not completely aware of everything that has happened. As far as he knows, the only things that are public knowledge are the fact that there was almost an apocalypse, that he went to hell and stayed in the cage with Lucifer for a while but came back. In fact, he’s heard it from other hunters that his hell ‘adventures’ are kind of legendary and stories are often told when hunters gather together. He’s not very comfortable with that, but he doesn’t care either, as long as they don’t ask him to use them to entertain the crowd.  She doesn’t know about the aftermath, nor about leviathans o purgatory and definitely is left out on the trials business. Asking if Sam is okay now, in his current situation, is like asking to be lied to, which he doesn’t want to have to do. 

He rubs his thumb through her cheek gently and shakes his head no, now with this lips pressed together, but still with a hint of a hidden smile. “I am very far from okay. I’m alive, and not too sure if that was a good thing or not because the world is broken again, but I’m planning on doing my best to fix it, I guess.” He pulls his hands from her face to pick up the items set aside from the previous testing, stashing them in his bag and securing the strap on his shoulder. “You’re right, we are in the eye of a storm here and I hate that you’re a hunter, but if I need to be practical, and I really do right now, you’re safer knowing how to hunt than not knowing what’s out there. We should probably get out of here, maybe talk about this whole thing. I mean, it’s your first apocalypse after all.” 

[fangedregret]

@samwchster​ asked: “you’re a monster.” for meme weekend

       ❝ i learned long ago that no matter what i did that was the label that would always be placed on me. trying to fight for good only led to being stabbed in the back and watching the woman i loved die. after that, i figured, why not play the part? ❞ he knew that his human self buried deep within him hated what he had become, but he hated more that he had gotten her killed. that elijah had turned on the strix and that the volturi paraded themselves as a just governance with the practices they used for their food… the women manipulated into staying within the castle walls. maybe he should have left immediately, but he had stupidly been hopeful for change.

      ❝ i have yet to kill or maim anyone in this town. surely a man such as yourself has a code of ethics when it comes to that? ❞

[samwchster]

Sam is a reasonable guy and he does have a tendency to listen first and shoot later, which has proved to be a bad idea on more than one occasion. The words just feel like deja vu. Call him skeptic, but he has a tendency to not trust things that aren’t human from the get go - vampires especially. “Wait, so you’re actually trying to sell me the ‘sympathy for the devil’ trope? Forgive me for being a skeptic, but I’ve heard the same from the Devil himself and I’ll let you know, he was way more convincing. You want me to believe you’re just... misunderstood; that it’s an eye for an eye kind of deal with you.” Sam raises an eyebrow at his own words, but also at the ones the man utters to address him “And what do you mean by ‘a man like me’? A hunter? Because your kind is usually on my list and not because a rule says so, but because there’s a tendency for your kind to go berserk ever so often. And yet here you are, claiming that you’re not a killer by proxy, telling me I should believe that instincts are not stronger than willpower. And I ask you: why should I?”

[samwchster]

ofembers​:

“I mean… I’m trying to be. After I got away from the demons I wasn’t sure what else to do. I couldn’t just pick a random town and pick up a new identity and figure out a life I wanted to live. Not without my family.” Or him, but she wasn’t going to say that. She had checked up on her parents and sister a couple of times, but she had stopped because it hurt and she also hoped that without her lingering around nothing would try to use them to get something out of her. Of course, being left alone she had assumed that Sam was still dead and without him she didn’t mean much of anything to any monsters.

“I focused on self defense and how to get out of being tied up for a while. Stick to an area for a bit to get cash, waitressing or bartending.” From talking to a few of the other hunters that had come to town and the one or two she had met, credit cards and hustling seemed to be the status quo. She wouldn’t know where to begin with credit cards and she wasn’t very good at pool, so her options were limited there. 

A chuckle at his reaction to the story that she had chosen. It was the first random yet memorable moment they’d shared that came to mind. “I still feel bad about it, by the way. But the food I brought you tearing up your GI tract wouldn’t have scared me away, even in the beginning when I was trying to get the mysterious tall kid to decide I was the pick of the lot in all of Stanford.” Before Brady had introduced them, Jessica had asked about him a couple of times. She had seen them around campus together and she had been friendly with Brady seemingly before the demon took over at least. 

Luckily for him, he was standing far enough away from her that she couldn’t shove his shoulder with that remark about her wishing that she kept her receipt. “I wouldn’t change a thing about my time at Stanford. Especially anything concerning you. It wasn’t your fault, no matter how much I know you think it is.” She wouldn’t let his guilt become a point of contention between them because she understood where it came from, but she also wished that she could find the right thing to say to help him see that there was nothing he could have done. 

 A wave of nerves shot through her when he stepped toward her, but before she knew it his arms were enveloping her. A body that she really didn’t recognize pressed up close to her, but the second he was close she felt safe with a strong urge to completely melt into him and let go of all of everything she had been through in the last couple of years. Her arms find her way around his shoulders, her cheek pressing against his neck as she tried desperately to hold herself together. “It’s nice to see you… The real you instead of RoboSam in Heaven.”

It’s all so surreal, he thinks. There are definitely more questions than answers going through his mind, even if he tries to process everything she says. Eight years ago, Jess becoming a hunter wouldn’t be on his bingo card at all. In fact, the reason why Sam always kept to himself about monsters, about hunting, about his father and Dean, had been to keep her out of it. The kind of innocence one has when they don’t know about all the evil of the world is something he envies to this day. It’s not a secret to his brother and anyone that truly knows Sam, that he wished his father had never taken that innocence away but alas. Now he knows there was a bigger picture, he knows there was nothing he could do to stop the snowball of events that started with Jessica’s death. And yet, yes, he blames himself for it, although she is not the only one on his long list of regrets, despite being top of the list of his greatest hits.

Sam keeps in mind that her being there, alive, and him being able to hold her, is as close to a miracle as he is going to get in his life. Safe for him and Dean’s continuous cycle of dying and coming back to life, Sam is not used to good things happening without a price tag attached to them. There has always been a catch, a soul to sell, something evil being thrown into the world at the cost of one Winchester being brought back, but this time, he didn’t even ask. 

"I really thought that dreams and old pictures were the only way I’d ever see you again.” He doesn’t remember tightening his grip around her, but there is a fear that takes over him, as if he’s afraid he won’t be able to hold her again or maybe that something will come to drag her away again. Or maybe he just missed her that much; maybe he is just overwhelmed by the fact that she smells exactly how he remembers and how even if he is slightly taller and broader now, she still fits perfectly against him.

“You have no idea how much I missed you all these years.” He pulls away just enough to cup her petite face between his giant hands. His chest feels tight, he feels lightheaded, his eyes are watery and he feels like every emotion comes out pouring, without any filter whatsoever. He can’t help but smile at her. For the first time in weeks, he forgets about the world ending, his body shutting down and every evil creature running rampage around town. “You know, this is probably the first time in weeks I think it might have been a good idea to survive this mess” he’s referring to the incident from weeks before, but she has no way of knowing.

[samwchster]

ofembers​:

“Whatever you need to do, I can handle it. I’d rather not have to deal with lying to everyone at the hospital.” She wasn’t really sure if she could handle it, but she would do everything in her power to make sure she didn’t show it. Later, she would reflect on this and apologize to Sam for all of the times that she was upset with him for hiding his past from her. Of course, it had been close to a decade since they had last seen each other but something told her that he knew how to do stitches before he made his way to Stanford.

She was scared, but if he could stop the bleeding here it would save both of them a lot of headaches even if that meant that she would inevitably show him more weakness. “I thought I had it.” An apology still at the forefront of her mind, but she knew that him being witness to it put her in a better spot than if she had been alone.

The likelihood that he was panicking was fairly high, but he wasn’t showing much of it. His hand on hers was enough to take a bit of an edge off of her own fears, but the pain was getting to her and she knew it was only going to get worse. “I’m going to be fine, though, because you’re here.” She offered the best sort of return reassuring smile back to him that she could muster. That was a fact that she believed, regardless of any of the circumstances in the town. Her dying had nothing to do with his ability to protect her or her ability to protect herself, now that she knew about monsters and how to kill some of them.

Sam feels like he knows her answer before she utters the words. Perhaps he still knows a bit of how she thinks even of the situation at hand is a first for the both of them. In their time together, all they had to deal with a few small cuts on Sam’s fingers from every time he tried to cook unsupervised. He still remembers her face whenever he retracted his fingers and would give her a ‘don’t say a thing’ look before she even had the time to roll her eyes. He finds it funny now, thinking about it, and knowing that she probably thought he would probably be the worst at handling any kind of sharp object.

He opens the first aid kit and takes out what he needs. Antiseptic, gauze bandage rolls, scissors; and from his own suture kit, thread and needle. He thinks it’s a weird world thy live in and a weird life they live when carrying suture tools is normal and something he uses quite frequently.

He can’t help the chuckle though. “Of course you’d be worried about lying to everyone,” he says “If I were you, I’d worry about how fast they’d jail me, thinking I stabbed you. Do you know how hard it would be to explain the FBI how a guy they think has been dead for five years is walking around?” He jokes about it now, but really, if it wasn’t for Henriksen, both him and Dean would still be on the list of the country’s most wanted.

There isn’t much time to worry about the blood on his hands or the fact that there is no gloves and no needle holder. He removes the blood-stained that covers the wound and sprays it with the antiseptic so he can clean it as much as he can before starting. He’s determined to be as gentle as he can, but he knows it’s not going to be easy for her and she knows it too, so he looks at the girls once more and gently caresses her cheek “This is going to hurt like hell, but I promise it’ll be over quick.” he reaches to the side, picking up one of the gauze rolls “Bite into this” he advises her before picking up the needle to start. And maybe it’s just him, but he thinks that stitching his own body himself is way easier than doing it to someone else, especially when he’s doing it in cold blood and will have to ignore the grunts of pain. The needle pieces the skin once; more blood comes out and he cleans it up again as he pulls the thread and then it pieces the skin again, again, again, until everything is connected and the gash is closed. Sam only ‘comes back’ from where his mind took him once he’s done and the sound of the scissors snaping the thread snaps him back into reality as well.

“Done.” he lets her know.

( I’m sorry )

The apology is there though, silent, in his eyes, and the way he looks at her, half-worried, half-waiting for her to let him know it’s fine.

[reidgif]

[samwchster]

shecrumbled​:

“Being a little selfish is an easy thing to fix. And putting yourself first isn’t a bad thing even if some people want you to believe that. Don’t overdo it or ignore what people say about you because their opinions don’t really matter.” She had spent a long time being overshadowed by the reputation she had created herself. Hating herself more than the others did for reasons they either didn’t know or try to understand. Since joining Jake’s pack she had at least felt secure enough to open up a tad and not push everyone away as hard as she could from the get-go.

She may not see herself as a monster but she still harbored a lot of guilt over her final fight with her dad. Other than that? Those that needed to understood why she had continually lashed out at them and those that didn’t understand weren’t much of her concern. 

“What’s something you want to do for yourself? Anything. Options around here or limited at the moment, but I would still go for it. You deserve your happiness as much as anyone else. I mean as long as what makes you happy isn’t taking a kid’s Halloween candy or punching an old granny in the face.” She didn’t know him well, but she believed as long as the only people being hurt by his actions were those that wished their wishes and feelings were put before his own, he deserved to do it.

“Life in the spotlight isn’t for everybody. But a day in the life of Beyonce is far more glamorous than I could ever hope for. Or want, if I’m being honest. At times, the power and adoring fans do seem appealing, I have to admit.” This life was enough for her. More than reincarnation, she simply hoped she would be able to see her dad again and tell him how sorry she was.

“Well, I used to think it was, but now I’m not so sure,” he counters. Sam doesn’t think badly of himself all the time, he knows he’s done some good and he does try which is more than many people do, but all things considered, he doesn’t think he is a good example. “You see, every time I am selfish, something bad happens and unfortunately, it’s usually not something I can fully fix. Whenever I screw up, people die. Whenever I think only of myself, I hurt people and that’s on me. And I care too much to ignore it; I can’t pretend I don’t care about the consequences of me wanting something. I have too much that I regret, I don’t know how much more I can store.”

It used to be easier when he was younger, and probably more naive - or more stupid - because he thought he could handle everything and that there was only one apparent way out, then he had to push through even if it wasn’t morally too correct. Now, he thinks more, he muls over things and runs every possible scenario through his head. Maybe it’s because he’s older, because he’s seen way more and gone through hell and back (quite literally too)

“I don’t have time to think about what I want. Besides, it doesn’t really matter what I want. The world is upside down and if we don’t do something about it, the light at the end of the tunnel my brother says I still see, is gonna end up being a train to run us all over.” Sam is rarely the pessimist, but he hasn’t been having enough positives to counter the countless negatives. If he could go back to being his old self, without the weakened body and the constant fading in and out of conscience would be a good start, but he also needs to know there’s something he can do.

“I guess I want what everyone wants. Plant a tree, write a book, have a child?” he says, quoting the famous line. He is a legacy himself, but he wonders if can ever leave one. “I don’t know, actually get my law degree would be great. Not sure if that’s ever happening though. I think the ideal of a normal life kind of got lost in translation somewhere along the line for me.”

[samwchster]

ofembers​:

For some reason, borax hurting something called a leviathan was funnier than salt being harmful to a demon. The blonde would likely laugh about the absurdity of some of this stuff to herself later, but it didn’t do much to even lift the tension she had felt in her chest since she had seen him sitting at that booth in the diner. When he asked her how she knew about monsters, she wasn’t sure what to say. The demon in Brady had let her know too much information about demons and only had briefly mentioned that all other monsters from nightmares were out there… but there was no way in Hell that she was about to say that name to Sam.

Learning about hunting had come after she had made sure she knew how to protect herself with self defense courses and multiple hours of researching how to escape different types of restraints. Then came learning how to shoot a gun and hours of research into different monsters. For the most part she had hunted werewolves and vampires because from what it sounded like ghosts were going to be hard for her and she was pretty sure seeing black eyes would have sent her into a panic attack, especially in the beginning.

“I don’t know as much as any of the hunters I’ve met at the Twisted Bull, but I’ve been trying. Apart from demons I’ve been hoping I’m trusting the right information – and more of my time has been spent reading, waitressing, or bartending to keep up my cash flow.” Really, she couldn’t imagine living a normal life with some random guy in a random town she decided to settle into with her forged resume that she had tacked onto in the last few years. Sam had been it for her, but more than that, she doubted she could separate what she knew and tuck it away in the back of her mind and try to live any sort of normal life. Having a family without her parents or sister around to witness was unthinkable… and she spent too much time as it was checking in on them and her friends online. It was strange to witness how they were living their lives without her over eight years later now.

Jessica could tell how emotional he was and she wanted to reach out and hug him to tell him a thousand times that nothing that had happened to her was his fault and at least a dozen more times that she didn’t expect anything from him, but she remained frozen in place. This was clearly a lot for him to understand and she still had no idea what he meant when he said something about her being a hallucination. There was no telling what he could have been through, especially when he stated that he was in Hell but didn’t die. She had questions but she wasn’t about to ask any of them.

Getting him to believe that it was her seemed harder than she had thought, but she wouldn’t fault him for his caution. It hurt enough to know that she had been brought back in the first place because they had found out through Lucifer that she would still be an effective bargaining tool. No matter what had happened, she was thankful that they hadn’t gotten the opportunity to do it again. He deserved better than that. 

She tried to think of something to say to him that wasn’t super cheesy or an easy memory that anything that had access to them would pick. Definitely nothing that included Brady. It ruled out the time he had first let the words I love you slip out on the weekend lake trip with their friends or the night that the demon had introduced them. Maybe even that they had been a bit rocky at first despite her being a tad smitten with him before they had met. Combing through their memories in her mind, still fresh from those five years in Heaven reliving them, she tried to pick something that would convince him. 

“Finals week, fall 2004? We were only dating for five months. I knew you were running yourself ragged at the library. After the final in my hardest class, a couple of the girls from art club made reservations at Tamarine. That fancy Vietnamese place that also doubled as an art gallery… Anyway, I brought you some leftovers and another coffee around ten. Made you take a break to eat and talk to me while you reorganized your study materials. I stayed for a while, asking you questions and helping you develop your weak points…”

A small smile as she remembered the rest of the story. “At least until the curry really started to tear up your stomach. Definitely not something to shovel down your throat in a hurry while studying. I’m still sorry, by the way. Hard to study with an angry stomach growling and full of sharp pains. Pretty sure you were mortified thinking that I thought you were blasting ass. You still aced it, though. Severe indigestion aside.”

"You’re a hunter now” he blurts out. he’s not sure if it’s an affirmation or a question based on his tone alone. In a way, he may as well just be spewing out whatever comes to mind before his brain can process it. It’s a weird exercise, trying to think straight and make sense of what she is saying so he can put 1 and 1 together.  

In more ways than one, it’s stupid that he can’t wrap his head around her being there, but he supposes he’s too used to good things being fleeting and right now, Jessica being there seems like a lucid dream or simply one of the many situations where he’s be wondering if what he was seeing was real or not. He chooses to go with door number two yet again and carry the belief that this is, in fact, real. Does he know how to feel about Jess knowing about what goes bump in the night? Not exactly. However, if he considers everything as she tells it, it makes sense. Sam went back to hunting because of his dad’s disappearance, but continued because he wanted to avenge her death. Too bad the world kept almost ending after that.

He furrows his eyebrows when she states the timeline on the story, allowing his brain to rumage through his own memories to go back eight years before. Alright, he’s with her and he nods as she continues. Sam remembers the countless hours at the library, the empty cups of coffee pilled up next to his computer as he tried to burn through the hours. Sam’s healthy habits started and finished with food and exercise, when it came to resting and not pushing himself too far when he had a goal to achieve, balance was thrown out the window. She’d be proud to know that when it comes to the second part, nothing has changed. 

“Why do you think I insisted on you going to sleep first when we got back to the dorm? It wasn’t just the sharp stomach pain, that’s for sure.” he admits with a chuckle. how in the world, did she think of that story out of anything she could have used is beyond him, but also very much on brand, so consider him legitimately scared now. “I was still trying to fool you into thinking I was perfect, just in case you’d regret saying yes to date me.” he adds, recalling how he tried to be the best version of himself for her no matter what, despite their early fights, despite the frustration she felt when he kept his family almost a secret or the way he always changed subject whenever she wanted to know more. Sam never wanted to drag her into his messy family matters nor to his past and unwillingly, he did worse. “Bet you wish you’d kept your receipt on that one.”  he gives her a defeated smile, half trying to make her smile, half wanting her to cuss at him for the stupid remark.

Sam leans slightly against the brick wall, fumbling a little with his hands and what to do with them or himself for that matter, but he presses his thumb against his palm for a moment before he realizes he has to stop pretending he has any control over his emotions at the moment. There is nothing but sad puppy-eyes and an uncertain smile  — a contradiction on its own  — before he steps forward, towards Jessica. Sam’s guard is down, his arms envelop her into an embrace and it feels real, different from all the dreams where he could only hope before he’d wake up. 

[ofembers]

@samwchster​ asked:  “Press that against the wound, I’m going to get the med kit.” from last meme weekend

         she took the shirt and pressed it against her stomach while she tried to ignore the slick feeling of blood against her fingers. terrified, she did her best to keep her composure. of course, she had gotten injuries as she learned to hunt, it was inevitable when going up against things that were already at least twice as strong as herself. but nothing like this – and for sam to be there when it happened made her feel like crap. it probably brought back all of the memories of not being able to save her and she didn’t want him freaking out on her behalf.  ❝ i-it’s really bleeding. ❞

         despite her best efforts, her fear was evident in her words. the blonde could be tooting her own horn a bit, but she thought she had some natural talent for this. of course, she had went after things less dangerous than a lot of the creatures apparently wandering the streets here especially in the beginning. this fuck-up could be enough to convince sam that she wasn’t cut out for this and she didn’t really want him to tell her to go live a normal life. in her mind, she could never do that and she didn’t want to be anywhere else but here. she wanted him to know that she was stronger than the girl that didn’t have a fighting chance back in 2005.

[samwchster]

He never had the time to think about the words he would never want to say to her, but that sentence just a few seconds ago, was incredibly close to his list of worsts. Then again, living to see Jess hunting wasn’t on his to-do list either if he thinks about how things were, eight years ago. And yet, there they were. Jess was alive and a hunter now and he was  — still the same. In fact, Sam suspects he will never be anything else, not as long as there is something out there.

He’s taken her back to her room but only because she insisted. If it was him calling the shots, he would have taken her to the bunker, simply because it’s safer there than anywhere else in town. But then he imagines Dean watching him barge in with a “dead” girl and how long it would take for his brother to stop throwing salt at her to make sure she wasn’t a demon or worse. Sam comes back with the aid kit moments later. A small box found behind the sink plus his bag because if there’s something that Sam is, is prepared. He kneels beside the girl and shows her a concerned smile  — but a smile nonetheless. Inside, he’s frantic, but he doesn’t need to let her know that. “Yeah, I know,” he responds to her statement, placing a hand over hers so he can lift the bloody shirt off the wound and inspect the depth. It’s not an insanely big gash, but it’s deep. Sam lowers her hands back onto the wound, pressing against hers “The bleeding is not stopping and I don’t think it will unless I stitch it. The cut is not too big, but it’s deep enough to be concerning. Listen, Jess, if you want to go to the medical center, I can take you there; I’ll carry you all the way there, but I don’t think it’s your best option.  I have everything here to patch you up, but there’s not much to numb the area and make it painless during the process.”

[samwchster]

theprofane·:

✂ ━━

perhaps there would have been another quip about college being wasted on sam - but those jokes were long since used up.  besides, worn and weary as he is, sam’s gigantic brain seemed to be firing on all cylinders - sharp as ever and even the mention of another angel throwing themselves into the mix seemed to have him perking up - paying attention - shrugging off as much of that exhaustion as he can.  and dean can see those sharp hazel-gold eyes clearly, even in the reflection.  focussed and questioning… though not quite as bright as they should be.  

“why d’ya think?”

the question is asked quietly.  a lot of the snark gone from his voice for just a brief moment.  soft and perhaps a little - tired.

“who else do they go to when they need some front-line cannon fodder to sort out the next looming apocalypse.”

lips purse and he does shoot a frown over his shoulder at the implication.  but it’s as brief as that softness - and both the glance and the tone seem to level out at normal ‘brash’ dean levels once more.

“i didn’t do shit.”

“it… she… came lookin’ for me.  apparently she’s number five of the mighty celestial dysfunction junction.  and - NO kind of deal.  was full of talk about how she’s not like the rest of ‘em…”

not that dean hasn’t heard lies like that before.  something of a skipping record on repeat.  still… word was obviously out about what dean wouldn’t do to save his brother and the list tended to come back blank.  

“ - i told her to prove it.  and she offered to help - no consequences.”

of course there would be consequences.   there always were.  but at least if there was no deal in the offing, and dean was firmly putting himself between sam and – well… pretty much everything else… then they’d be his to deal with.  like he’d told the angel - sam had done – e n o u g h.  she offers to help his brother, keeps him out of whatever shitstorm was stirring… dean hears her out.  maybe not a deal in so many words.  no souls on the line.  no torment or damnation in the immediate offing… but perhaps… in principle… it was much the same.

“so… y’know… if you – want…”

– need –

“…a hand with that… leaning.  she might be able to help y’out.”

Sam has a headache. It’s not a new symptom, but he hates how it feels like someone is drilling into his skull. Silently, he tries to convince himself it’s from all the talking and thinking and the looming apocalypse. 

If he ignores it, it will disappear — seems to be his motto lately (or always). Dean sees through him, of course, as infuriating as that is and as long as Sam keeps denying that he is not well, his brother won’t stop poking. He means well, Sam knows that better than anyone.

“I guess they would come knocking after what happened. But if the angels fell and most of them are powerless now, how does she have her powers still? Is it an archangel thing? I mean — ” he exhales then, allowing himself to think about the possibilities. He doesn’t trust them more than Dean does. They’ve been screwed over time and time again by angels, demons and everything in between, but now one wants to heal him. 

“An archangel who wants to prove they’re better than all the others by doing a good deed... sounds like a bad preface to a tragic movie.” he concludes, but his shoulders drop and he finds a spot on the wooden floor to fixate his stare “I think I might have no choice though,” he continues, following his brother’s lead on his need for someone or something to fix him up. 

“you know, time isn’t helping” Sam starts, but his eyes look for everything except his brother. It’s not hard for him to admit that he isn’t okay, it’s mostly because he can’t pretend that he is fine in hopes that he feels better. It’s been weeks and if anything, he’s getting worse.

“I’m not getting better. I don’t... feel better. Food and rest keep me alive, but I’m tired all the time, in fact I pass out while eating more often than not.”

“my hands shake, my head — just hurts for no reason. My reflexes suck, I can’t back you up on a hunt, I — I’m pretty much worthless like this. I need someone to put me back in one piece faster because I can’t seem to do it on my own fast enough.”

He looks up then, to Dean, even though the reflection “I screwed up again, Dean, and I don’t think I have the luxury to wait when Crowley, a knight of hell and every other monster in creation are out there. I need to fix this. 

I have to”

[samwchster]

@diedinomaha​ asked:  we walk in the dark. doesn’t mean we have to walk in it alone. 

“You are right. No one who does what we do and who goes through what we do, should walk this path alone, but most of the times, I need to remind myself that it would be better if I do.” Sam shrugs is shoulders. His expression can only be read as something between slight defeat and lingering hope, which, are usually two feelings that blend very well together in his head. 

“But then sometimes I look back and I think of everyone that died to help me and my brother; everyone who died because we got them into this messy life of ours; the people who died because I couldn’t accept reality or because I wanted to run away. I can’t count all the people I screwed over and I know they don’t blame me or us, but I do. I know Dean does as well even if he doesn’t say it. I just want to stop dragging people into my messes, I just want to feel like I can still save people and honestly, I haven’t felt that in a while.”

[samwchster]

@fangedregret​ asked: be careful. compassion and loyalty make people weak; easy to exploit.

“Is that advice self-experience?”

Sam wonders if it’s just bad luck or simply karma, the fact that of all things, a vampire would give him personal advice. Something out there in the universe must really have a sense of humor, but he can’t keep up with it. 

“Compassion makes you human, but maybe you forgot it, and loyalty keeps you grounded. You just need to find someone worthy of your loyalty. Not someone that expects you to be loyal just because you have to be. Being loyal and blindly following are two completely different things. Compassion and loyalty can also make you as powerful as you can be because as long as you have something to lose, you won’t rest until you destroy whatever tries to harm it.”

“But I confess I find it weird that you would share that piece of mind. With me, of all people.”

[samwchster]

@shecrumbled​ asked:  i don’t need protection, okay? i do the protecting.

“Is that the ego talking or are you just afraid you might end up owing your life to some random tall dude you just met a week ago? I don’t think it’s the first and forget about owing favors, I don’t keep count.” he says as he wipes the blood out of the blade before stashing it again.

“Me helping doesn’t mean you can’t do it yourself, it just means I’m doing just that -- helping out. Next time you see something jumping me, you can stab it too if you want.”

“You may think you can face this mess headfirst and all by yourself, but the faster you realize that’s not the case, the better.”

[samwchster]

@ofembers​ asked:  that means yes. tell me.

“You’re really opening up a can of worms here  — ” It’s a warning albeit a poor one, mainly because he knows her (he thinks he still does a little bit) and if anything, Jessica is stubborn. Sometimes even more than Sam, which he considers quite a feat. 

He knows she won’t let him off the hook with some poor excuse. So he tells himself that it’s fine to tell her, because it’s her and because she deserves the truth  —  for once. 

“Yes, I know what Brady did. I wasn’t going to tell you unless you brought it up, because I know you know I blame myself for what happened. Plus, I know a bit about trauma and there’s no need to relive something that bad.”

“I know because  —  I met him again, a few years ago. Well, I thought it was Brady, but it was the demon. We needed him when we were hunting down one of the four horsemen and he told me about the plan and what he did all those years and later. He didn’t spare me the details so, I know. 

[samwchster]

@ofembers​  asked: [TEXT] Can you come pick me up?

(text) of course.

(text) you’re ok right? nothing bad happened? kinda need to know so i can freak out now and not when i get there (deleted)

(text) this is a regular ‘come pick me up’ right? not a ‘i was stabbed, can you pick me up?’

(text) text me the address, I’ll be there in two shakes. 

[creepyinbox]

tv meme / person of interest  content warning for death.

we’re not living. we’re surviving.

whose guardian angel are you this time?

don’t be a hero.    

people who say they have nothing to hide almost always do.  

you can end me all you want. right after your nap.     

best we can hope to do while we’re here is protect those closest to us. 

thanks for saving my ass.

while you may not be scared about what could happen to you the next time, other people are. people who care for you.

hang on, kiddo. i’m coming for ya.

run for your life.

i got bored sitting in the car.  

fugitives can’t be choosers.

we walk in the dark. doesn’t mean we have to walk in it alone. 

alright, you’re being weird.

do you want to talk about that? i really think you want to talk about that.

safety first.

my life’s always in danger.  

you were my safe place.

how much more do you really want to know?  

only the paranoid survive.

when that person is taken from you, what do you become then?

be careful. compassion and loyalty make people weak; easy to exploit.

now that you’re not going to die, we can have a little chat. 

silly me. brought a knife to a gunfight.  

that means yes. tell me.

guess the young lion is looking to be king.

if you really need a mystery, i recommend the human heart.

and you know what? it’s not a question of if, but when.

not a very friendly homecoming.  

how badly did you have to break it to make it care about people so much? 

you can’t make something right by doing something wrong.

i don’t need protection, okay? i do the protecting.  

it’s not that you don’t have feelings. it’s just like the volume is turned way down. like the sound of an old tape. the voices are there. you just have to listen. 

this might be the first time i feel like i belong.

i’m worried about the mission.

this isn’t personal. it’s just that you keep hurting people. and i don’t like when people get hurt.  

i guess, there are things i care about here.

i’m doing all of this to save you.

if you wanna die, okay. but die for something that you love.  

we shouldn’t throw caution to the wind.

that’s the problem with humans. they just sit around, hoping that someone will fix things. but no one will. no one cares. the universe is infinite and chaotic and cold. and there has never been a plan. at least not till now. 

i’m angry that you have people that you can love.      

we have free will, and with that comes great responsibility. and sometimes great loss.  

hey, there is no “dead” in team. so instead of going all charles bronson on me, let me clear the way.

you didn’t give us a name.

i’ve already lost a friend. i don’t intend to lose another. not tonight. 

where does a man hide when a god wants him dead?

don’t worry. i’m really good at this game. 

always trying to be the hero, huh?

i’ll come find you. bring you back.

[starprompt]

TEXT MESSAGE STARTERS.

These can be quite fun when you don’t want a full fledged thread, but instead something shorter or different. Enjoy!

[TEXT] Are you drunk?

[TEXT] Are you free tonight?

[TEXT] Are you fucking kidding me?

[TEXT] Are you high?

[TEXT] Are you ignoring me?

[TEXT] Are you okay?

[TEXT] Are you up?

[TEXT] Can I ask you a question?

[TEXT] Can I borrow $20?

[TEXT] Can we talk about this later?

[TEXT] Can we talk?

[TEXT] Can you come pick me up?

[TEXT] Can you do me a favor?

[TEXT] Come over.

[TEXT] Delete my number.

[TEXT] Did you make it home safely?

[TEXT] Did you sleep together?

[TEXT] Do you ever wonder what it’d be like if we were still together?

[TEXT] Good morning, sunshine!

[TEXT] Goodnight.

[TEXT] Hey! Long time no talk.

[TEXT] I can tell that you’re lying, even over text.

[TEXT] I just woke up.

[TEXT] I know everything.

[TEXT] I know it’s late, but come over.

[TEXT] I love you.

[TEXT] I mean, if we’re both single…

[TEXT] I miss you.

[TEXT] I wish you were here.

[TEXT] I’m busy. Bye.

[TEXT] I’m so bored.

[TEXT] Leave me alone.

[TEXT] Let’s talk about this when we’re both sober. Goodnight.

[TEXT] Pick you up at 7?

[TEXT] Send a picture.

[TEXT] Shut the fuck up.

[TEXT] Sorry, that was not meant for you!

[TEXT] Sorry, whose number is this?

[TEXT] Stay away from me.

[TEXT] Stop blowing up my phone!

[TEXT] Text me when you get home.

[TEXT] Wake up!

[TEXT] Want to get a drink sometime?

[TEXT] Want to hook up?

[TEXT] What do you want?

[TEXT] Where are you? You said you’d be here 30 minutes ago.

[TEXT] Who gave you my number?

[TEXT] Why are you still awake?

[TEXT] Will you stop calling me?

[TEXT] Without me? ;)

[TEXT] You can’t hide from me!

[TEXT] You take a long time to reply.

[TEXT] You’re cute.

[TEXT] You’re gorgeous.