samwchster:
“Well, I used to think it was, but now I’m not so sure,” he counters. Sam doesn’t think badly of himself all the time, he knows he’s done some good and he does try which is more than many people do, but all things considered, he doesn’t think he is a good example. “You see, every time I am selfish, something bad happens and unfortunately, it’s usually not something I can fully fix. Whenever I screw up, people die. Whenever I think only of myself, I hurt people and that’s on me. And I care too much to ignore it; I can’t pretend I don’t care about the consequences of me wanting something. I have too much that I regret, I don’t know how much more I can store.”
It used to be easier when he was younger, and probably more naive - or more stupid - because he thought he could handle everything and that there was only one apparent way out, then he had to push through even if it wasn’t morally too correct. Now, he thinks more, he muls over things and runs every possible scenario through his head. Maybe it’s because he’s older, because he’s seen way more and gone through hell and back (quite literally too)
“I don’t have time to think about what I want. Besides, it doesn’t really matter what I want. The world is upside down and if we don’t do something about it, the light at the end of the tunnel my brother says I still see, is gonna end up being a train to run us all over.” Sam is rarely the pessimist, but he hasn’t been having enough positives to counter the countless negatives. If he could go back to being his old self, without the weakened body and the constant fading in and out of conscience would be a good start, but he also needs to know there’s something he can do.
“I guess I want what everyone wants. Plant a tree, write a book, have a child?” he says, quoting the famous line. He is a legacy himself, but he wonders if can ever leave one. “I don’t know, actually get my law degree would be great. Not sure if that’s ever happening though. I think the ideal of a normal life kind of got lost in translation somewhere along the line for me.”
She could feel for him, which was a bit unusual. Coming to Devil Hills hadn’t really broken her general principle to say something mean to get people to leave her alone and move on. It sounded rough to never get to put yourself first because the consequences seemed pretty dire. “You clearly have a big heart... and despite that, no matter what you do you’re probably always going to be the villain in somebody’s story. People can be quick to judge and even quicker to play victim. It’s unfortunate that the consequences of our actions can get people killed, rather than just piss them off.”
Her mind went to the time she had nearly gotten Jake killed during the attack from the army of vampires. At the time, she hadn’t particularly cared about what happened to her and she figured he felt about the same and that was why he stepped in. Despite lashing out at him afterwards, she had felt responsible. If she had communicated and not tried to do something on her own than he wouldn’t have had a chance to throw himself into the line of danger.
“You can still take little moments to yourself, despite everything being to shit right now. We’ll either figure it out or we won’t. Then none of it will matter. But we’ve got a lot of things running around that know it is in their best interest to fight for life to continue on, human or not.” Her sense of hope had left long ago, she tried not to let herself be hopeful in any situation that wasn’t obviously going to work out. Leah doubted she could take much more disappointment before she cracked open again.
“Law? What were you going to go into?” Leah had decided on law after a long time assuming that she could go into nursing in her mother’s footsteps. With her dad gone, she still felt a duty toward her tribe and had hoped to protect them with her degree, but she hadn’t gotten very far before demons and other monsters pulled her toward a life of protecting the lives of more than her people. “I could help you plant a tree if that would seriously get your rocks off. Seems like the most achievable out of that list around here.”



















