cryptid hours @samwellgalpal - Tumblr Blog

in skipdivorce kip is well adjusted, using his alimony to travel and reconnect with friends he hasn’t seen in years and scott is renting an extravagant penthouse apartment and eating rotisserie chicken off the bone and putting newspaper on the windows a la the substance

ticklefighthockey

skip divorce where for various reasons scott hunter ends up crashing on shane and ilya’s couch after the public intoxication charges… on the couch because ilya won’t let him sleep in the guest room (he wants to turn him out of the house) and this was their compromise. he and shane keep having whispered fights about it in the kitchen while scott is morosely watching tv in the living room with the volume on full blast while secretly nipping whiskey out of a flask he’s been cunningly concealing between the couch cushions. shane is like he’s a fucking mess ilya, it’s actually embarrassing and pretty bad PR like he’s kind of making all gay hockey players look bad, isn’t it better to let him stay for a few days out of the public eye, and ilya is like that prehistoric barely alive intoxicated dinosaur is going to try to FUCK my beautiful HUSBAND I’ve already SEEN him making sad wet eyes at you hoping you’ll find him pathetic enough to hook up with, and shane is like oh my god ilya don’t be ridiculous he just got divorced he doesn’t want to have sex with me!!!!, and scott hunter who just lurched into the kitchen unheard behind them and is a flask and a half deep at this point is like soooo [hiccup] what’s up with you guys anyway. like is your marriage basically open or— and then ilya tries to kill him.

freakeduploser

i don’t really think shane wants kids that bad and i don’t know that myshane and ilya ever end up having them but the prospect of shane hollander dealing with a teenager 24/7 is just so funny. he’s using tf out of that 👍 emoji

#i want hollanov to have an angsty rebelious teen sooo bad

raincitygirl76

So, the documentary in The Long Game about Shane and Ilya’s rivalry. What a fucking embarrassment for ESPN and everybody involved in its creation!

You direct a sports documentary about two of the greatest hockey players in the world. And how they were bitter rivals but eventually became friends and even started a charity together. It’s good, juicy, it gets excellent ratings, and is possibly award winning. The future is bright.

ESPN’s publicists keep talking about how you had unprecedented levels of access to these superstars, and meticulously combed through over a decade of footage of them. The only thing viewers grumble about is that they still don’t know why Ilya Rozanov left Boston for Ottawa. It’s the one mystery of their rivalry that you couldn’t unravel. But overall, the reactions are very positive. A professional triumph for you.

And then only a month later, the whole world (including you) is astonished to find out that these heated rivals have been in a serious and secret romantic relationship for years!!! And you missed the whole thing! One (1) month ago.

The documentary would quickly go from jewel in the crown to albatross around the neck of everybody involved in it. Because you did all this research, you had all this access, and yet you didn’t have a clue. They’re together? They’re getting fucking married? Ilya Rozanov moved to Ottawa because he was more in love with Shane Hollander than he was with being on a cup winning team?

Oh my God, ESPN would be contemplating destroying every copy of the documentary they commissioned, and which had great ratings. Everybody involved in making it has to log into LinkedIn and delete it from their professional history.

Hockey fans keep rewatching it, but not because they like it anymore. Because they can’t believe not even the professionals figured it out, and are looking for clues. The director will be strongly considering flying to Canada to murder both his documentary subjects.

jewelcoatfish

shane and ilya were asked about it in one interview and shane just smiled and said “yeah, i mean we have to be pretty good at keeping that a secret, considering what was on the line. it wasn’t espn’s fault, per se, not a lot of people knew.” and ilya added on “we were very good at acting not in love with each other, i think. we had to hide it from ourselves for a long time.”

and now whole house crying 😔😔

luulapants

in a reasonable canon, shane would simply have THEE most dependent and intimate relationship with the montreal team nutritionist. like, he has her on speed dial. they text multiple times per day. she spends 60% of her work hours adjusting meal plans for his texture issues and aversions. nobody else really sees how intense their connection is.

when he was crashing out about trading to ottawa, he said, "You know, it's just gonna be really hard to leave melissa," and hayden was sitting right there like. "melissa?? it's gonna be hard to leave MELISSA??"

but i think we can probably convince melissa to move to ottawa with him, don't worry.

#adding this to my belief system #this is unfortunately kind of dark because she is def enabling shane's unhealthy relationship to food #but I will delude myself into thinking that she does try to gently push him towards being less restrictive

thepoetsarejust

the ways shane has influenced pop culture in my head:

1. a canadian team bringing home the cup for the first time in like 20 years would have made sooo much noise, shane hollander basically put canada on the map.

2. obviously he is tumblr's boy of the year. along with superwholock.

3. in the wake of his insane b2b run there's something like linsanity happening within asian diaspora communities. shanesanity if you will. asians in hockey numbers rise up by 120% after the second stanley cup. despite this, just like in NBA, there's barely 4 asians that make it to the NHL after him.

4a. i hate to say this but. drake referenced him in his songs. something about. i learned it from shane holly y'all can never check me. back to back for those that didn't get it. and yes of course the cover is shane's stanley cup photo. you know the one.

4b. and yes when eventually in 2025 drake has his big cancellation at the superbowl, some beat reporter asks what shane thinks of drake v kendrick, and shane ofc thought he'd side with the canadian. he had to make a clarification on twitter.

4c. ilya tweeted like "shane don't have internet sorry about him 🙁"

5. shane's face is all over montreal like shohei ohtani is all over tokyo.

6. shane gets tapped for a tim horton's commercial once and basically ate their donuts like the mcdonald's CEO and was again cancelled on twitter.

7. post outing hockey shot up into stratospheric popularity a la f1. in fact people know hockey as that one sport with the gay asian and russian. shane hates this with a burning passion. it's the fault of that one tweet that was like "so in football terms this is kinda like if messi and ronaldo are fucking" and had 47M views.

watermelontuesdays

AU where Shane and Ilya don't hook up or have a decades-long secret. They don't really know each other at all, except to play each other.

Shane comes out of the closet sometime after Scott does, and in some random, lighthearted interview, they ask him what he's looking for in a man. And Shane's just, off-hand like, "Well, he'd have to have at least one Stanley Cup. Obviously." And when he gets a good reaction from that, he keeps going, like "Needs to be amazing at hockey. Definitely needs to be at least an All-Star, if not a captain. Hot too. If he can't bench-press me, I'm not interested."

And it's all in fun, except two days after the interview prints, Ilya Rozanov shows up at his door like "knock, knock. I am here to apply for boyfriend position. Do you need resume? I brought my Stanley Cup ring, just in case."

hollanov248108

In love with the idea of Ilya sitting Rose down like she did with Shane and him being like “lesbian 🫵🏻” and then the next time Ilya, Shane, and Rose hang out, she’s telling them how she can’t believe she didn’t realize she was gay and that all of the gay men she’s dated should have been a clue, etc. and Ilya looks her dead in the eyes and goes “not so gay you couldn’t fuck Shane Hollander”

bipolar4autistic

We need a fun word for the Hollanov kid oc industrial complex so ppl are more encouraged to post about their kid ocs (guy who doesn’t even really think they’d have kids voice) we could call them like. Pucklings... get it like ducklings but hockey…….. this might be my worst post yet

bipolar4autistic

For the record puckling can refer to any of the following; hollanov children ocs, Irina foundation hockey camp kid ocs, and of course Ilyas No Name Niece Who Gets Adopted by Hollanov ocs. The pucklings…

#i need this to take off #so that I feel emboldened to tell strangers on the internet about the concept of an angsty hollanov teen son that doesn't even like hockey

fuckrozanov

goodmorning this is your assigned shane of the day

#my birthday shane is pre first time anal fuck ass haircut shane <3

fuckrozanov

this happened to my good friend ilya rozanov

loontattoo

connor getting jealous that the prime minister of can was being way too touchy and smiley with his man. are you sure there’s nothing going on. no, of course not. okay, but does he know that. bro, what? don’t bro me 😑

close enough welcome back Hobama

softgnome

Personally I do think that sometimes non-hockey fans can end up mischaracterizing Shane and Ilya because they don't know enough about hockey/hockey playstyles

The Ilya we see in Heated rivalry would not be throwing the first punch, he's not an enforcer. Ilya is a star center and a Pest. He wouldn't be doing his job correctly if he was punching players every other game, it would end up with not enough ice time to let him be the playmaker he's paid to be.

But being a pest can be playmaking! Find a player to bait, emotionally push them just enough that they try to fight you, and then get the fuck out of there before the ref gives you both penalties. This gets your team the power play. There is probably someone on Ilya's line dedicated to helping him get out of the fights he starts, and finishing them for him!

I also think this is also something that Shane would respect. Ilya is good at it and it's a good strategy for his team. I don't think Shane would see it as some dirty tactic, because Shane probably thinks everyone with a brain can see it for what it is! He probably thinks everyone should be able to see that being an asshole is a tactic for Ilya, that it's something to ignore and not fall for, that it's a strategy and not personal beef.

I think Shane's more disappointed when a Metro falls for it. Shane sees it as Ilya set up a Looney Toons ass obvious trap and one of his teammates ran into it. Why be mad at Bugs Bunny when you can be mad at your defenceman for falling for a fucking Bugs Bunny trap.