cryptid hours

tv // 28 // in my I don't even fucking know pronouns era // sideblog that has been periodically utilized for whatever ice sports romance I'm into // mayoketchup is my main

[softgnome]

Personally I do think that sometimes non-hockey fans can end up mischaracterizing Shane and Ilya because they don't know enough about hockey/hockey playstyles

The Ilya we see in Heated rivalry would not be throwing the first punch, he's not an enforcer. Ilya is a star center and a Pest. He wouldn't be doing his job correctly if he was punching players every other game, it would end up with not enough ice time to let him be the playmaker he's paid to be.

But being a pest can be playmaking! Find a player to bait, emotionally push them just enough that they try to fight you, and then get the fuck out of there before the ref gives you both penalties. This gets your team the power play. There is probably someone on Ilya's line dedicated to helping him get out of the fights he starts, and finishing them for him!

I also think this is also something that Shane would respect. Ilya is good at it and it's a good strategy for his team. I don't think Shane would see it as some dirty tactic, because Shane probably thinks everyone with a brain can see it for what it is! He probably thinks everyone should be able to see that being an asshole is a tactic for Ilya, that it's something to ignore and not fall for, that it's a strategy and not personal beef.

I think Shane's more disappointed when a Metro falls for it. Shane sees it as Ilya set up a Looney Toons ass obvious trap and one of his teammates ran into it. Why be mad at Bugs Bunny when you can be mad at your defenceman for falling for a fucking Bugs Bunny trap.

[jesterlesbian]

Hudson Williams and Connor Storrie drawn by Zoe Si for The New Yorker

[hudconera]

happy pride month to this iconic scene

[apocketfullofhobbits]

shane hollander daily affirmation

[boitterfly]

[jesterlesbian]

everybody neeeeeds to go read this new yorker cartoon article with jacob tierney!!!!! it's so good

[lesbianrozanov]

toddler shane refusing to talk after his hockey team lose a game. yuna & david are trying to be encouraging like “bud!! you played so good!!” and shane is ignoring them while climbing into his car seat where he’s going to angrily drink his juice box and then chew on the straw.

[flyora]

Couldn't miss the chance

[celestialblueboy]

Fuck this noise about ‘Team Mom’ Shane. That man is an airport dad. His hobbies include reading biographies and investing in real estate. His car is reliable in the snow. He built his own cottage and is really excited to tell you about the well. He grills. His idea of fun is staring at a fire. He will lecture you about smoking. He hired a stylist because he doesn’t care about clothes. He must know the itinerary ahead of time. He folds his clothes before sex. The white socks stay ON so his bare feet don’t touch the hotel floor.

Look me in my eyes and tell me he wasn’t waiting for Ilya in that airport parking lot at least 3 hours before his expected arrival time. Airport Dad Shane is my truth.

[notlayingroses]

in my opinion, the question isn't "Is RPF ethical?" but rather "Are you engaging with RPF ethically?" and even more importantly, "Are you being stupid about it?"

I personally hate any kind morality thought policing. I'm not Catholic or religious and I do not feel guilty over my thoughts. You are not an inherently evil person because you saw two athletes in an interview and went "Hmmm...... what if...." The Feds are not going to come banging down your door because you wrote about one band member dicking down the other and sent it to your friend.

Wondering about other people's lives is very human. Being nosy about their personal lives is very normal. People have been writing fiction about other people's lives since the dawn of time. Some people even manage to write New York Times Bestselling Books that are "historical fiction" or "alternate reality." It does not make you inherently bad to be curious about the details of someone's personal life. That's being human. Being nosy is kind of fun.

The problem, however, comes with the ways in which people engage with it, and involve the real people in this. Harassing an musician's real girlfriend because it doesn't fit into the RPF ship. Showing up at real sporting events holding signs about how certain teammates should kiss. Trying to get actors to sign art of them fucking their coworker. Flooding social media with comments using the celebrity's full name and speculation. There's a line, there's a fourth wall, and there's fandom etiquette.

I hate the question of "Is RPF ethical" because it feels like morality thought policing. Post your fics on locked accounts, censor someone's name when you tweet about it, blow up your groupchat with hundreds of "DID YOU SEE THE WAY THEY LOOKED AT EACH OTHER??" texts. It's not inherently evil to wonder what other people are doing when they're out of the spotlight. Kill the cop in your mind.

But just have some basic decency and do not involve the real people. Don't cross the line without caring how it affects them. This is basic fandom 101 and lately we have been flying too close to the damn sun! Everyone get more normal about RPF so major news outlets and magazines stop posting articles about "Is RPF ethical?" and blowing up our spot!

[wingsseni]

irina and ilyusha 🤍

[ilyapasta]

Assorted free-range headcanons about Hollanov at 45-55 years old:

Shane starts getting grays at 35, so by 45 he is a salt-and-pepper kING. It makes for a distinguished photograph on his memoir. He has a ghostwriter, obviously, how do you expect him to just sit and write all day? He writes the chapter about his and Ilya's rivalry though, only at the end of the chapter is he like "And we were married in the summer of 2021 with a honeymoon in Spain. He's the best person I know." after just a dry comparison of all their stats Pre-Centaurs.

One child. Boychild. Shane's genes and a Russian name. Conceived via surrogacy after Ilya retires first due to busted ass knee syndrome. Child enjoys hockey. Not great at it. Looooves playing the oboe in school band. Shane checks it out and AS IT TURNS OUT the oboe is a difficult, competitive instrument. They proceed with characteristic intensity, as if this was athletics. Son, you're gonna win at the oboe.

Ilya needs glasses. He just steals Shane's off his face and it's a whole ritual that ends in them kissing. Boychild is mortified every time they're trying to read a take-out menu.

Shane gets into hockey commentary/podcasting and is notoriously. Um. Not Nice. A lot of "What?? What did I say??" It's never personal though. Just about players' shitty game.

Ilya is Big. Chunky. He's glorious. Muscle that now has fat over it. Arms like tree trunks. Torso: round. 100% Naturalized Canadian Citizen Beef. Hair, everywhere. Shane must BITE to check it all out and make sure everything is in order.

Shane gets really into individual athletics- rock climbing, marathons before he also gets busted ass knee syndrome, biking, swimming, anything where it's like testing the limits of his body against himself. Ilya is like a "fifty push-ups every day keeps me in shape enough to fuck you right" kind of guy, but he joins in sometimes just to make Shane get furious with competition

New rookie/juniors player billeting every year once boychild goes to music conservatory so they build a whole separate wing for the youngsters so it doesn't interfere with empty-nest fucking

Once they hit 50 they do get up stupid early like old men do and have old man coffee shop time with David Hollander (professional boring old man) at their favorite diner. Shane really cherishes this time with his dad and makes it a point to do it as often as they can. Conversely, they build Yuna a mother in law house when David passes away (death comes for us all) and she becomes crazy hockey mom to all their rookies.

Add your ownnnnn

[darlingofdots]

there's a theragun in every room of the house and trying to unfuck their various Busted Ass Issues becomes just another step in sex prep

Shane is terrorising the local birdwatching community

Ilya is personally if inadvertently responsible for at least four divorces among his kid's schoolmate's parents

every time they attend a Centaurs game they end up on kiss cam (which isn't even a THING Shane is convinced they do this just to fuck with him) and they always pretend to be reluctant and roll their eyes and oh, fine, if you insist *smooch* *deafening cheers*

they're not really famous anymore anywhere EXCEPT Ottawa, where they're very famous but everybody's kind of agreed to be chill about it and also now that they ACTUALLY have time to spare they're just like, doing stuff. so you get an excited insta post from somebody new in town like omg i think i just saw shane hollander at tim horton's??? and the comments are all "dude obviously he always gets a coffee and a box of timbits thursday afternoon, where else would he be"

[bandsanitizer]

[ticklefighthockey]

the real fantasy of heated rivalry isn’t that the hot cocky sex god will fall in love with the uptight socially awkward virgin… the real fantasy is that you can be sooooooo fucking annoying & avoidant & allergic to intimacy and someone who is securely attached will nevertheless doggedly pursue you, make you feel your feelings, and then marry you

[iwrotemrtambourineman]

whatever enmeshment yuna and shane have would be blown out of the water by ilya and irina if irina was still alive

[mybloodstream-caffeine]

I find it fucking hilarious to think that Ilya was all geared up to gently coax the nervous ingenue Golden Boy into bed, probably even willing to settle for some heavy petting since he came on so strong in the showers and he didn't want Hollander to bolt like a scared rabbit,,, only to be confronted full force by Shane Hollander Super Slut who needed Ilya's cock in his mouth roughly 3.5 seconds after kissing him. And this is AFTER Shane did his coy little "This is such a bad idea~😫" routine, mind you!!! Me thinks the lady does indeed protest too much!!! Harlot!!!!

[pureskullduggery]

I know we all laugh at Ilya for almost cumming in .5 seconds, but like if Shane "Throat Goat" Hollander was sucking my dick with that much enthusiasm I can't say I wouldn't be in the exact same scenario.

[lucylehane]

move over hudson and connor, hearing jacob tierney talk about workers' rights has me all hot and bothered 😍 It's Open With Ilana Glazer

[knownqueerbaiter]

shane in 15 years as one of those husbands/dads who insists he doesn’t care about those silly reality tv shows ilya and their kids are watching and then standing in the living room with his arms crossed the whole time

[smokingrozanov]

Thank god Ilya married Shane Hollander because he did have his thumb over the buy button on a Cybertruck & Shane said “that is the least fuckable car I’ve ever seen” & Ilya cleared his browser history