sanely-insane

[sanely-insane]

26.3.22

I just can’t seem to enjoy anything. I am stuck in this rut that is indescribable. No matter what I do, I can’t allow myself to be happy.

In some ways, the past two years have been eye opening. I wish I would feel differently than I do. I know that there are things I can not change, but I just don’t accept them. I don’t feel like i am living, and that has really been getting to me lately. Like I am here, I am breathing.. but this can’t really be what life is supposed to be. I don’t really look forward to anything, the only moral victories that I have are getting through the day without something awful happening. That just does not feel like being alive. 

I miss getting fucked up. I miss being confident. I miss being free. I miss smiling. I am not sure if I will ever feel that way again.

full-circle//godspeed

S.M.

[thecineramadome]

Half Nelson, 2006 - dir. Ryan Fleck

instagram: @cineramadome

[olsney]

[sanely-insane]

17.12.21

I think I am ready to grow up. Some of the things that I thought were so far away are much closer than I had imagined. The only thing that has been holding me back is myself, and my inability to see things from a perspective outside of the negativity that I drowned myself in.

Honestly, I could be a better man. And I know now that I want to be. I won’t continue to settle for less. Life should be a long journey, and with all the time that I wasted, I better kick this thing into high gear.

I just have to get better at lying to myself.

full-circle//godspeed

S.M

[bsd-bibliophile]

The greatest terror a child can have is that he is not loved, and rejection is the hell he fears. I think everyone in the world to a large or small extent has felt rejection. And with rejection comes anger, and with anger some kind of crime in revenge for the rejection, and with the crime guilt—and there is the story of mankind.

John Steinbeck, East of Eden

(via bsd-bibliophile)

[sanely-insane]

26.11.21

Hey everyone.

So this is going to be my last post. I wish I had more to say, or could choose my words more precisely. The truth is, I am exhausted.  This is all i’ve got. 

I have taken a lot of time to think about things, both the good and the bad. Well, I wouldn’t even put it that way. I have just been thinking about my life and what it has become.

I am out of moves. There is really no other way around it. No matter what I do today, tomorrow, a year from now, or ten years from now, this will always be the way things are. I am incapable of getting better.

I love my family, at least what is left of it. I guess you could say that things didn’t really play out how any of us thought they would when I was growing up, but that is normal I guess. A lot of things do not turn out the way you expect them, and it is fine. 

Teaching and having stable income, finding a woman I could spend the rest of my life with, having kids, and being happy. I guess that is all I really wanted. I have come to realize that I won’t be able to have any of those things. Not because I don’t want to, but because I can’t. I just hate myself. I hate the way that my brain works. I hate that I always feel this way. It does not matter if things are looking up, I can never really feel what it is like to be content or happy in the moment, and that is why I know I will never be able to have the things that I felt as if I needed. 

120K in debt. I have no money to my name. I can’t drive. I am going to jail. I am going to lose my job. I live at home. I don’t have any friends. I can’t do any of the social things that people my age do. I try to spin things to make all of this not feel so bad, but there is no way I can look at this in a positive or hopeful light. I simply just lost. The only time I am not miserable is when I am asleep. I am alone.

There are no re-do’s, I can’t change any of this now. I have no idea what happens when things fade to black, but I really hope there is another side. Somewhere I can try again. 

This tumblr page meant a lot to me, it was the one place where I really said it how it was. The thoughts of a man who was sanely insane, a man who did the best that he could. Until we meet again. 

full-circle//godspeed

S.M.

[sanely-insane]

14.9.21

So, I caved. Back again.. Hopefully the words that of which I have typed make it across some wandering eyes. They may not provide you with the answers that you are searching for, but I would like to believe that they just might make you think.

Who knows you..? Wait.. who really knows you? Not knowing you like you had a class with them in high school and worked on a group project together, and not knowing you like you spent the night together back in the Fall of 2017 after a long bender at the watering hole off campus. 

Knowing you like you opened up to them, allowed them into it all. The ups, the downs, the craziness, and the mere moments where things were stabilized. Knowing you like they still have your mothers number in their cell phone from that night back in high school when your concerned parent reached out to them, grasping at straws, hoping that they heard from you. Knowing you like when you had nobody else to turn to, you drove to their house and stayed out past 11 even though you only had your Jr license and were supposed to be back before curfew. There were no rules, they didn’t apply. You just couldn’t leave, because for the first time, you weren’t alone.

I can’t speak for us all, but I imagine that most of us take into account how others perceive us. We allow somebody else’s opinions of us to create an image in our mind of who we are, and sometimes we even begin to look at ourself through the lens of that self-created illusion.

I went for a long walk the other day with that girl, the one who really knows me like that. It may have been a few years, but she remembered. She saw me and for the first time in a long time, I saw myself. She understands me now because she knows where I come from. If you did’t know me then, it is not possible to know me now, and that is why I haven’t been able to truly connect with anyone in my adult life. I hide the past, and it is a huge part of who I am. If you weren’t there, you will always be missing the piece of my puzzle. Nobody else will ever be able to complete me.

If you have someone like her in your life, cherish it. It may not become what you would ideally like to be, but enjoy the company of a true friend. Don’t fuck it up. When I am with her I don’t feel alone, and that is more than enough for me.

If they don’t really know you, they don’t really matter.

full-circle//godspeed

[uoyevoleye-deactivated20250114]

[sanely-insane]

6.9.21

You know what? I just don’t give a fuck. 

Today I sat around and thought about the bullshit I wrote on here last night. Shit makes me sick to my stomach, it’s unbelievable how ridiculous I sound feeling sorry for myself. Life is tough, who am I to complain? Since when did it become a norm for people to feel entitled to being happy? I think I have been sipping on the Kool-Aid a little bit too much, the more you buy into the idea that everyone deserves some type of happiness or opportunity in this world is simply a farce. Time to get real, really real.

The line is thin, like hanging off of a cliff in the dead of winter covered in ice. The edge is nothing new to me, i’ve lived there a long time. I fucked around this summer and lost my mind, so be it. Money comes and goes, I sure know how to give it away. The reality is, I loved every second of it. If I can make things worse, why not roll the dice and see just how far I can take it? 

What I’ve realized is nothing can kill me. Life can fuck with me, I can fuck with myself, doesn’t even matter. I will go to the farthest depths, the darkest corners, and the ugliest places just to feel something. Anything. I am who I am, and I love the pain. I love the punishment. I love the chaos. 

I won’t be posting on here for a long while. It is time to dive head first into the deep end with bricks strapped to my feet, live in the despair and embrace the suck. Only the key necessities will continue. Work, coaching, and sleep. No social media, no texting or communication with anyone. Just me, myself, and I. I will handle the fuck out of everything like I always have, and time will continue to roll over. My situation is not going to get better anytime soon legally speaking, and who really knows how long I will have my job. Doesn’t fuckin’ matter. Hell, i’ll work the day shift at a convenience store and rock nights picking up boxes and setting them down at Amazon. I’ll eat that shit up because who the fuck am I, right? How bad can it be?

I don’t want to be part of anything, and I will continue to put on a front when I have to in order to survive. I can do anything I want and no matter what, I will still be here. Either I am already dead, or I am God. 

I don’t give a fuck about you, I don’t even give a fuck about myself. Cheers to a new beginning, and the start of the end.

full-circle//godspeed

[jesus-the-son-of-mary]

Juice (1992)

[g-r-e-e-d]

[sanely-insane]

27.8.21

A do-over isn’t coming. Every day things become clearer. Unfortunately, the more I can look honestly at my past, the harder it is to continue moving forward.

I would have done things differently, I would have thought more about the decisions that I was making. There was never a long-term plan, only short-term. Those reactionary choices eventually began to add up, and I find myself in a position where I am forced to try to come up with some type of endgame for a scenario that I never really could have prepared for. 

I guess people don’t look at things in the same way that I do. It feels like everybody that i know just accepts where they are, tries to make the best of their situation. There is honor in that, it makes sense. I just don’t accept this. I can’t, and I won’t. It’s just not in the cards, never will be a possibility. 

People look at me one way, but I don’t see that man.

26 year old college-educated professional. Great with kids, passionate about his job. Financially stable. Laid back, but cares tremendously. Well-spoken, highly intelligent.

Lives at home with his dad. Doesn’t speak to his mother or know his youngest sister. 120k debt, addicted to drugs and alcohol. Criminal record, compulsive liar. Shady, uses people to get what he wants. Manipulative. 

Life is what you make it. You can not hide from who you are. What you feed will grow. 

Say goodnight to the bad guy. 

full-circle//godspeed

[sanely-insane]

29.6.21

Overcome with emotions. Another day has passed by where I can recognize all of the moments where I have gone wrong, but still can’t grasp how exactly my path has led me to this point.

I guess I will start off by saying I haven’t been able to muster up the energy to do my laundry. It’s been about a month and a half. At this point I wake up and what I wear is decided by whether or not the article of clothing that I stumbled upon has an odor to it that is abundantly noticeable. Truthfully it doesn’t really matter to me, but for the sake of those who might cross paths with me, I guess it is only fair to be considerate. 

To get out of my room requires me to use my foot as a clearing stick to nudge the pile of clutter that has built up over time. Ironically enough, it is almost like I am not supposed to navigate too far away from where I have planted myself. Do I really need clean clothes when I am going to jail? Is it a requirement for me to shower more than twice a week if I am never going to be able to find a job that will pay for the degree I earned during the five years in which I completely lost myself? I would argue that the simple things like personal hygiene and sense of fashion seem pretty rudimentary in comparison.

Well, if I lost your attention in my oh so eloquently described instances of self-loathing, I do understand. If you really are starting to feel better about your shell of a life in comparison to mine, let me allow you to continue to bask in your view from that ivory tower. 

So yeah, not really looking forward to being imprisoned. But really, what more punishment can anyone impose on me that I have not already imposed on myself? As far as I am concerned, this is all borrowed time. There is nothing here for me anymore, and trust me, I have been grasping at air looking to find something, anything that can convince me that there is even an ounce of hope hidden over the horizon. What would even make me smile? Can I even allow myself to be happy, that is, if I decided that I wanted to be? Scratch that... felt like I deserved to be? 

I realized everything just a little bit too late. I was too slow to process life as it was in front of me. I was so focused on the future that I was unable to live in the present. My past dictated where I felt like I needed to go, and that is why I truly believe that I haven’t been living since I was about 15 years old.

I guess this is what I want to say to the boy who once lived.

-If someone loves you and you love them back, it is ok to be vulnerable. You do not have to be in control of everything. Sometimes control is important, but not when it makes you lose sight of the person you know that you should be. 

-It is not cool to not care.

-Don’t worry about impressing anyone. Be yourself, or you really will turn into the person you pretended to be.

-Don’t hurt people. Saying you are sorry doesn’t mean anything if you don’t correct your behavior.

-Don’t go so far to the point where you can’t come back.

-Being alone all the time won’t help.

-You only get one family.

-There is no such thing as an easy fix. What you feed will grow, do things the right way even when it seems more difficult.

Follow these not so simple pieces of advice and maybe you won’t be 26, alone, broke, scared, and thinking about how things should have been. Figure it out before you run out of options. Hopefully you won’t ever have to write anonymous blogs on Tumblr where nobody is really listening. Would I even listen to me?

full-circle//godspeed

[screencapturing]

First, it’s a Saturday night thing when you feel cool like a gangster or a rockstar- just something to kill the boredom, you know? They call it a chippie, a small habit. It feels so good, you start doing it on Tuesdays… then Thursdays… then it’s got you. Every wise ass punk on the block says it won’t happen to them, but it does.” - The Basketball Diaries (1995)

[sanely-insane]

14.6.21

It’s coming. Slowly, but surely. Inevitability cannot be fought, it can only be prolonged. 

The strangest thing occurred to me today, and I am perplexed how after all of the time that I have spent thinking, I never arrived to this realization. 

The reason why I feel stuck is because I never took into account making it this far. I was so caught up in the day-to-day, living life in the context of merely trying to survive. How could I stay under the radar, cope with my mental health, and be left alone? The absurdity is that I am only now realizing that mentally, I am fucked up. Well, not realizing I am fucked up. I knew that. But after opening up to people, I am realizing that things that I have tried to pass off as normal simply were not. 

I am 26, but not really. I am a child because I never developed socially. Not psychologically, because I would like to think that I am thinking in chess terms while everyone else is thinking in checkers. Yeah, I might not be the most social or the most naive, but if that is what it takes to fit in, I really think I would rather just be alone. Now that I said that out loud, I am starting to think that is why I can’t really relate to people. I am just not dumb. Yeah, I can agree and pretend as if I am on the same page as some of my peers, but the truth is, I am living in a whole different reality. 

At least when I was fucked up I didn’t think about these things. Although my actions (and inactions) definitely complicated my situation, the misdirections allowed me to avoid becoming hyper-focused on the real problems that I probably should have dealt with before they evolved into something that I had lost complete control of. Now I sit here unable to cop, dealing with complex issues, when I never even learned how to deal with the everyday small struggles that adults my age should have been faced with.

I guess what I am saying is that I fucked around far too much, for far too long. If I could go back, I would like to think that I would have done things differently. The truth is, I can’t. And this is it. I used to think that I fucked up my life when I was 21, and quite frankly, I think even by then I had outstayed my welcome on this planet. 

I don’t know if I have another run left in me. When it ends, I don’t want people to think it was because of the drugs or alcohol. I don’t want people thinking I was irresponsible and “lost my mind” because I couldn’t control myself. I have been in absolute control for a year now, and the revelations are sometimes too much to deal with. When I was fucked up I could always say, “Hey, when I get it together and clean up, I will definitely be happy.” The toughest pill to swallow (no pun intended) is that now I really know it wasn’t a problem with what I was doing. The problem has just always been me. 

26 years old, he had his whole life ahead of him. It is such a shame. A tragedy. Somebody should have seen this coming. He always made it seem like he had everything together. How selfish of him. It is a shame he couldn’t help himself.

Anyone who knows me understands that I am not an idiot. Everything is calculated, even when it seem like it isn’t. I just believe there is more to this. There has to be. Maybe there isn’t, but just the idea alone is more enticing than the best case scenario that I have been able to come up with. I just want to feel anything. 

full-circle//godspeed

[filmaticbby]

Taxi Driver (1976) dir. Martin Scorsese

[sanely-insane]

3.6.21

I am disturbed, I am sick. I’ve tried to make amends, and I have served what most would view as more than an appropriate penance. The realization has started to set in that I never am going to feel full. I am simply not enough. It is not that people don’t care for me, because I know there are some that do. It is not that I feel like I don’t have the potential to do great things and make remarkable impacts on the lives of my students or athletes, because I do. I will never be enough because nothing is enough. I cannot help myself, I am not capable.

If I could go back to 18 I may have still made the decisions that led me to where I am today, but I like to believe that if I had another chance, I would have done things differently. Correctly. 

I had so much, but lived my life in the manner which mirrored the circumstances that I truly find myself in today. Back then, I had a choice, and I chose to be miserable. I absolutely loved Kayla, and it took me all of five years to realize that no matter what I do, I will never be able to find that again. Not because I am incapable of being loved, I am just incapable of allowing anyone to REALLY love me. Nowadays, everybody just gets what I allow them to see. It is simply not real, which makes their true and unconditional love nothing but a mirage. It is for them, not for me.

I tried to figure out what the problem was. While it is funny, but not really, I have come to the conclusion that it is exactly what I thought it was. Every situation that I put myself in was a result of me genuinely fucking hating myself for pushing away and sabotaging what I subconsciously realized was the best thing that ever happened to me. I wanted to be miserable, and now, I am.

I ruined true love because I didn’t think I deserved it. I hated myself because I couldn’t convince myself that I deserved to be loved. I hurt myself because I after it was too late, I realized that I did. I lost myself because I couldn’t handle living in the world that I had created for myself when I felt like I was undeserving of nice things. I tried to put an end to my misery, and was forced to acknowledge that I am too obsessed with punishing myself that I could not let myself off the hook that easy. I scare myself, and I do not want to scare other people. This is why I am alone. This is why I am disturbed. I am sick. Is any of this real?

full-circle//godspeed