excerpts from shinee jonghyun's novel, '산하엽: 흘러간, 놓아준 것들'; or,
skeleton flower: things that have drifted away, things that have been set free
please read the disclaimer.
as though to prove it was fate, the two people — who existed at the same time but in different spaces — simultaneously decided to set each other adrift, and to let go of the part of themselves that had once loved so passionately. as the music played, the man and woman wept at their complete farewell and embraced the other that they could not see. only then did the two share their last goodbye.
and they promised to reminisce about each other occasionally and to ache only slightly and to long for each other faintly.
*
*
*
the next day,
he headed toward home, having emptied himself of five years’ worth of time and memories in a single day,
and she, too, faced the beginning of an ordinary, though slightly wistful, day.
the man, who had been savoring all the time to himself after parting from the woman, was suddenly struck one day by a feeling of loneliness. it was just as though he’d encountered the experience of being alone for the first time. he became seized by a penetrating fear of breathing, eating, and falling asleep by himself. he longed for someone to hold his hand.
of course, it wasn’t the first time that the man had ever confronted loneliness in his life. he welcomed the loneliness that would visit him from time to time with open arms; but unlike before, this loneliness required a certain someone’s presence, and he was quite taken aback by its explicit demands. he felt an anxiety that whispered to him that, if he didn’t pacify this loneliness at once, it would settle itself in his core and never disappear. his resentment toward the fact that he was now alone wandered astray, thrashing this way and that; it rooted through his heart and left scratches in its wake. the man had never imagined he would ever come to meet such a savage and brutal loneliness.
he needed a suitable someone.
someone who wouldn’t use conversation with him as a mere appetizer for drinks, but would open up to stories about their childhood.
someone who was neither too glib, nor too taciturn.
someone who would neither ignore his gestures, nor intend to settle down with him uninvited.
someone who wouldn’t much concern themselves with the crown of importance given to titles.
someone shrewd, just like the wind that blew as sultry waves in the heat, and chilly drafts in the cold.
someone who’d be taller than his ankles, but shorter than the backs of his knees.
he needed someone suitable, like this.
just as he was scrolling through his contacts, the man wavered for a moment. the woman’s number, which yet remained.. he contemplated pressing the call button, but ultimately abandoned the idea. he couldn’t call her up just to placate his own loneliness when he had left for the sake of each other’s convenience. a love that fed on the breast of loneliness could know no reward. he thought to himself that he’d sooner choose death by loneliness and leave it at that, than allow himself to beget a love that was ungrateful.
the woman had always listened to music before going to sleep. and so, now and again, the man would whistle songs for her. for lack of anything better, the man decided to try appeasing his loneliness through the woman’s old habit. when he turned on the song he’d first heard around the time of their separation, the woman’s face emerged in a dim recollection. how could the face of one he had spent so many years with already be so distant, so obscure, when they had only been apart for just a few months?
the woman was already becoming erased from him.
translator’s notes:
1. someone who wouldn’t much concern themselves with the crown of importance given to titles.
(호칭의 감투를 크게 신경 쓰지 않는 사람.)
“titles” (호칭) as in names, especially those required to use honorifics. koreans use titles along with names (or in place of names altogether) when calling each other to be polite, and more importantly, delineate one’s relative status, hierarchical position, relationships, etc. some examples you may be familiar with are titles like -ssi, -nim, noona/unni, hyung/oppa, sunbae.. the list goes on. the word “감투” that i translated to “crown of importance” actually means “important title/position.” it is also the name of a special type of hat that government officials wore back in the joseon era, which revealed their profession and status like a badge of honour.
2. someone taller than his ankles, but shorter than the backs of his knees.
(발목보단 높고 오금보단 낮은 사람.)
this is just my interpretation, but this may be a metaphor to describe someone who’s confident and assertive (”higher than ankles”), yet also humble without being arrogant, rude, or haughty (hence, “but shorter than the backs of knees”). i doubt this line is referring to literal height. there’s no korean idiom or proverb like this to my knowledge, so i’m assuming this is jonghyun’s own original expression. however, i could be wrong.
3. a love that grows up feeding on the breast of loneliness knows no reward.
(외로움의 젖을 먹고 자란 사랑은 보답을 모른다.)
i interpret this line as the man criticizing himself for only wanting to call up his ex-lover because he’s lonely, not because he’s still in love with her. it’s selfish of him, and disrespectful to them both. the man doesn’t want to produce a false love — an ungrateful love that will end up betraying the other person as it doesn’t understand how to reciprocate (or “repay”) with love, and only knows how to serve itself.
ch. 3 - the woman discovers an old letter (p. 49~53)
to my dearest
it’s been a while.
i seem to remember we used to exchange letters often, but thanks to sns and such, these days we can casually send off our feelings even without the trouble of writing long messages. the world has become quite convenient, hasn’t it?
i think we’ve become that much more desensitized, but who cares.
we can still occasionally tickle each other’s hearts through long letters such as this,
and that’s all that matters.
how are you doing these days?
though we see each other nearly every day, i still wanted to ask you that at least once.
for me to simply contain you within the assumption of ‘she’s probably fine,’
the blaze of my curiosity spreads far too endlessly;
so much so that it torments me with fever.
so, hurry and answer me.
collect each drop of every moment of your day and soak me with them.
please, put this fever of mine to sleep.
of course, i enjoy being tormented by that happy fever,
but the time i spend with you that seeps into me, refreshingly and tenderly,
is always welcome, too.
we think of each other as precious,
but whether it’s from getting used to each other or being desensitized,
at times, we inadvertently hurt one another.
by any chance, have the wounds i’ve inflicted on you not healed yet?
if so, i’m sorry. for not sensing it right away.
so please, hurry and show them to me.
if i’m the one who inflicted the wounds, only i can heal them,
so you don’t have to be ashamed.
all people who are in love would likely do the same.
they’d look at each other’s scars and feel pain.
still, i hope you wouldn’t cover up your scars for fear of causing me sadness.
they, too, are a part of us;
they are our memories, and proof of our love.
if, perhaps, you’re too shy to show me all your wounds right away,
please hold me tightly.
even if i can’t see them, i want to know you so entirely that i’ll be able to feel them through my skin,
and i believe you would feel the same.
we’ve shared a long time together, and will be together even longer from now.
please answer me. that you feel the same way that i do.
i seem to have said the words ‘i love you’ in quite the roundabout way.
that’s right. i love you.
and just like the verse of poetry you once read to me
i need you.
p.s.
i found lyrics that are just like my heart, so i’m sending them along with this letter.
tomorrow, let’s hold hands and listen to this song together.
< lyrics: always there (honesty) >
❀❀❀
the woman finished reading his letter and gazed out the window.
the cowardly sun had disappeared without a trace from what had been the perfect day off, and the gloomy night’s moon poked its head out from behind blackened clouds.
‘that goddamn romantic.’
truthfully, the woman had liked that side of the man.
out of all the countless charms he possessed, his romanticism — which had made him seem like someone who didn’t live in reality — had been his most shining trait.
crackle, crackle.
the candle’s wooden wick flickers and makes a noise.
candles with wooden wicks always burn up so noisily.
in my dark and quiet room
the frail flame of the candle and the wistful, aching sound of its burning wick
are all that exist.
what could the candle possibly be made of to fill it with such devotion?
an existence that gladly burns up for my sake.
though you’d wonder how brightly a mere little wick could blaze,
with its hotly smoldering voice, it calls out to me -
‘i’m right here.’
‘i know.’
‘are you warm?’
‘…….’
i couldn’t lie and say i was warm, it was burning up so desperately.
i couldn’t even embrace it, for fear of cooking up my own skin.
a child that willingly smolders into blackness.
at the same time, a poor child that cries out for my gaze.
a child that loves me.
i couldn’t so much as sigh for fear of extinguishing your existence.
even without trying, we’re already that much farther apart.
i came to know you later than anyone else
and we’ve come to the point where
it wouldn’t even be embarrassing if we were to pass by each other
without noticing.
the day my intuition warned me of our parting,
when we once thought we would last forever.
i thought the sky would split in two.
i thought the earth would collapse.
i thought i’d get trapped in the rift between
the sky torn in two
that i’d tumble into the collapsed earth
and miss you for a lifetime.
even if you didn’t love me
i thought you’d carry
your resentment and regret toward me
for a lifetime.
i really do
worry about the silliest things.
+
when memories of our time together would resurface,
in order to suppress them all
i went so far as to try to hate them.
in vain, i tore out the pages of a blameless book you’d given me, one by one
and tried to throw out the gifts i’d never had the chance to deliver.
though, i couldn’t bring myself to do it in the end
and hid them all behind a mirror.
even still, i was left with such lingering feelings
that i took out the ring
that when we’d been together, i’d said was too bothersome to wear
and began to wear it, at last.
i really do
behave in the most foolish ways.
+
even without trying, you’re already that much farther away.
i should have kept you by my side a little longer, back then. i should have given it more thought.
i should have gone through more suffering, become even more helpless.
and i should have offered you first turn at words of parting.
ch. 2 - the woman interviews the singer (p. 36~37)
“the thing about loneliness is that, i don’t see it as something simple that will just disappear once it’s been appeased. you could say it’s like a shadow that walks with you for all your life. still, once in a while i feel the need for something to comfort me — but as the things i mentioned to you earlier are embracing me so fully*, i’m going through a healthy loneliness right now.”
at his self-assured response, the woman stopped typing and looked up to meet his eyes.
eyes that, without a trace of wavering, showed only conviction. she kept seeing the image of another man overlap with the one before her.
could that have been the reason? she wanted to find out more about what loneliness meant to people like them.
“a healthy loneliness, you say. that’s an interesting way to put it.”
“is it? i think that sort of thing is necessary. a method of consoling yourself that only you can understand, and no one else. some days you feel lonely, some days you feel worn out, and some other days you might feel idiotic, or pathetic, even. though of course, there are also many days where you feel cheerful in between. the important thing is that since the remaining days of our lives stretch out so far that they seem to have no end, there needs to be something that can neutralize whatever emotion you might have. whether my day is a happy or sad one, i don’t filter any of them out. as my tumultuous emotions quietly subside, the graph of my condition for the day returns more or less to average, you see. i enjoy dramatic remedies, but the beginning and end would probably be better off as something neutral. for you, too — anything will do. it doesn’t have to be something complicated like mine. whatever the method, if you wrap up your day in a similar way each time, it will ease your mind.”
* “the things i mentioned to you earlier” is a reference to the things and people that comfort the singer, including his mother, sister, and pet dog.
it’s pitiable, in a way. when our passion was once so fiery,
how did our relationship become
so far from warmth -- not lukewarm, or even cold
but an ambiguous temperature that’s just fit for souring?
- from the day of parting -
1. no more - after being together for five years, the man suddenly states to the woman that they should separate as they’ve both grown tired of each other.
2. the end of a day - the woman interviews a singer at work. he tells her how he deals with loneliness, which causes her to reflect on her own loneliness, exhaustion, and inability to move forward from her break up.
3. always there (honesty) - refreshed from her rest the night before, the woman decides to clean her house — only to rediscover an old letter sent to her by the man when they were still happy and in love.
4. leave me and go (better off) - after a brief period of enjoying his newfound freedom, the man begins to muse upon his loneliness — its causes, various forms, and desired remedies.
✿✿
stories that have drifted away
“love......,”
he recited in a soft voice.
and for the first time in his life, he realized what a lovely sound the word “love” possessed.
- from the day of first acquaintance -
5. juliette - the story of how the man, his dog danyi, and the woman meet for the first time one rainy day by the han river.
6. lovesickness (symptoms) - the man confesses his feelings for the woman on the third day of knowing her, and is gently rejected. he leaves for a trip to south america on his own to reflect on and affirm his feelings.
7. u & i - anxious from being unable to contact the woman upon arriving back home, the man finally locates her apartment thanks to danyi — where he finds her burning up with fever.
❀ ❀
stories that have been set free
even without my efforts, you’re already that much farther away.
i should have kept you a little longer by my side, back then. i should have given it more thought.
i should have gone through more suffering, become a little more helpless.
and i should have offered you first turn at words of parting.
- from the day of first longing -
8. alarm clock - the woman throws herself increasingly into her work to escape from the memories of her past relationship, and comes to the realization that she is still in love with the man.
9. i’m sorry - the man begins to drink more frequently to pacify his loneliness. though he’s certain he no longer loves the woman, he attempts to put a name to his emotions by writing a poem about her.
10. maybe tomorrow - little by little, the man’s image is finally beginning to fade from the woman’s heart, but she still suffers from frequent migraines and insomnia. one night, she finds comfort through a message on the radio.
11. red candle - the man’s junior abruptly confesses her feelings for him and begins to visit him every day to take care of him. eventually, they kiss — but their relationship remains one-sided.
12. skeleton flower - the season changes and the man sets off for aewol, jeju island, while the woman goes for a walk by the han river. individually, but simultaneously, the two of them decide to let each other go — and in their hearts, they embrace one another in final farewell.
• the woman (여자) - a journalist who spends long hours at her job and most often prioritizes work before her own self. she struggles to move forward from her 5 year relationship with the man.
• the man (남자) - a writer. during their break up, the woman describes him contemptuously as a “goddamn romantic.” he was the first to both fall in, and out, of love in their relationship.
• dan, or danyi (단이) - the man’s welsh corgi, who facilitates the first meeting -- and eventual romance -- between the man and the woman. (note: danyi is named after hyangdan, a character from the korean folktale ‘chunhyang-jeon’ who performs a similar role.)
• the junior (후배) - the man’s junior from college, who makes an unexpected confession.
• the singer (가수) - a singer / radio dj who is interviewed by the woman in the second chapter. his voice appears in the story intermittently through his radio monologues, which act as a source of comfort and voice of reason for the main characters. (note: this character is explicitly modeled after jonghyun himself.)
• i am not a writer. i’m simply a fan who is fluent in both korean and english.
• the posts on this blog are not official translations and have not been approved by jonghyun, nor anyone else affiliated with shinee or sm entertainment.
• while reading, please bear in mind that translations must, at times, be more liberal than literal in order to keep the spirit of the original language intact.
• i will not be translating the full novel -- only select excerpts.
• quotes / excerpts will not necessarily be posted in the novel’s chronological order.
• all translations are mine, unless otherwise stated.
• please DO NOT criticize the novel or jonghyun’s writing based on my english translations / interpretations.
• please DO NOT retranslate into other languages, repost without credit, or edit in any way.
