inside the white sleep

Fay / 23 🍒

[sans-dream]

13.05.2024

For the past months, life has been very intense. So now I rest endlessly. Alone, but not for long.

I visited Paris again in April, it was lovely as always. He took me to many beautiful places. We walked a lot, and kissed a lot. Befriended many stray cats. Took many pictures. With him by my side, I am calm again. In my notebook I wrote:

[...] with this constant war in my head - although, here, the war is put on hold. I can feel the knights resting… 

I am aware of my mental state. Recently I have been put on yet another medications, as the previous ones did not work at all. I am also taking sleeping pills, which is oh so adorable. I am numb for the whole day. Dozing off. My head is suddenly empty. And very, very light.

He is coming in just one week. I am grateful for the sleeping pills. Without them, I would not survive. Recently, I woke up at 4am. It was already bright outside. I went for a walk. Too tired to fall asleep.

I am moving to Italy in a few months with my another soulmate. Partner in crime? Best friend sounds too bland. The only person I could kill for. She knows me better than I know myself. Very cliche. My relationships are always full of passion...

He said he will join us. It will be so much fun. I am looking forward to this.

I feel like I got another chance from the fate. Last year, I wanted to die. This year, everything is good again. I do not cry anymore. I am still in a state of war with myself, but it is much less furious. As in furioso. Beautiful word.

We are going to the seaside. Much needed retreat. Running on the beach in my favorite white night gown.

I feel like I can articulate myself better. Yet still (...inside I felt alone...) there are many thoughts I am unable to catch. I can not stop them. Nor express.

I am not tired yet, although it is 11pm. I will read something.

Only a few days left and I will be the happiest girl on earth again.

[sans-dream]

17.01.2024

Oh, life is beautiful again

And I'm so glad I'm alive

Just got back from Paris; I loved every second of this trip, I loved every kiss, every hug, every moment we met and every moment we were saying goodbye, knowing we will see each other the next day

I loved sleeping next to him, constantly holding his hand, laughing together, writing together, daydreaming together; laying together, exploring, eating, talking about everything

I have tears in my eyes; I missed him so much. Can't wait for him to come here already and hold my hand again

[sans-dream]

9.08.2023

How am I still alive? I honestly have no idea.

So many things has happened yet I feel like nothing really happened. It's already August and I've been sleeping since January. I barely eat, I sleep and cry a lot. We are still in contact, I'm pretending I'm fine; I don't want to worry him too much.

I don't know when I'll be back to Paris. Hopefully as soon as possible.

Soon it will be autumn. And then winter again. I haven't noticed when the winter became spring and spring became summer. I just sleep. My cat is keeping me alive.

We talk more recently. What is my life about?

[m155d10r]

dark red and ripped stockings

[sulkygrl-deactivated20230325]

he knows i like the bell jar and the secret history

[sans-dream]

21.01.2023

He gave up on me. We’re not talking as much as we used to and it seems so easy for him; which broke my fragile heart

I’m coming back to Paris in March. He promised we will see each other. I miss him and his voice and I cry all the time

[sans-dream]

19.01.2023

I am not well. I don’t eat. I sleep a lot. I did a bad thing to myself today. I just lay and

Cry cry cry

I miss him so much I want to die. He promised we will see each other again and only this promise keeps me alive

[sans-dream]

15.01.2023

I’m in Paris; we are no longer together.

Life of my life

Just left me

There’s no point in existing anymore

I just cry and sleep.

We’re still in contact as he’s worried about my state and only the sound of his voice keeps me somewhat sane

But I’m scared; so scared of coming back to my country

I’m scared of myself and the things I am capable of doing to myself

[sans-dream]

20.12.2022

Days are passing by without my realization; I sleep as much as I can. It’s just two weeks left; and a few days. And we will see each other again.

can’t wait to feel his hand in mine

[sans-dream]

Living two lives is heartbreaking;

The second I close my eyes I am in Paris again

At his train station, coming to his place like I used to

All this waiting will kill me

[sans-dream]

14.12.2022

Less than one month until we see each other again. We have so many plans; I'm the happiest in the world

As he was busy sometimes; I happened to sleep at various friends' places. Every morning I woke up in different place; different bed, different setting. I was staring at the view of beautiful Paris from the window, in silence; contemplating the happiness and my mortality

Life is momental but beautiful

[sans-dream]

25.11.2022

Paris with him was simply magical. I will be back in January. I miss him dearly.

What shall I write here?

I miss our long walks, I miss holding his hand, I miss his voice, I miss everything about him and I

just wish I could go to sleep and wake up in January

But I’m happy nevertheless

I think?

[sans-dream]

9.11.2022

I’m finally going to Paris on Friday.

So much has happened in the past month

I am in no strength to write about everything.

I tried to end it all again. Ended up in a hospital. His friends were nursing me. Two of them moved in into our apartment to watch on me. I’m very very tired. But at least I’ll see him in less than 2 days so all my sadness will be gone.

It hurts so much—being in love

[starei]

I romanticise everything because I am made of love and starlight

[sans-dream]

6.10.2022

It never was about the money or the drugs the party or the clubs For you there's only love

Each time I listen to her music I find a piece of myself in the lyrics

He's leaving tomorrow morning and I already can sense my state deteriorating. I'm trying to smile as much as I can though

He said he won't be able to come again in the nearest future, so I promised I will not harm myself. And I will go to Paris in November

To celebrate, we sneaked to the opera and ended up on the rooftop, the same one we’ve met on almost 4 years ago

«Long fairytale»

The view was astonishing as always but he said the view from Palais Garnier’s rooftop is even better so I am looking forward this experience

Only when he's next to me I can feel that my body belongs to me. His presence turns me into human again

and I am scared what I will see in the mirror when I will be alone again

[coquette-club]

[sans-dream]

5.10.2022

I don’t think if there’s any sense in describing each day of my dull existence

Today we did another things to cheer-me-up, which became our saying by now. Going out and doing things to cheer me up

We’ve been to opera, which was very funny, as he kept telling me each time singers messed up or forgot their lines. We left giggling and people were looking at us with disgust in their eyes as the play was very sad, or at least aimed to be

We ate lunch with my favorite friends of him. They are always kind to me.

I somehow feel that he has changed. Maybe Paris changed him? Now he’s acting more like my guardian than love of my life but I’m probably just exaggerating.

He thought he flushed all my pills today but I still have some of them stored for the darkest of hours

Life is bittersweet but at this point I don’t know what exactly «life» is so I don’t really care

World is closing its eyes and so am I, wishing for sweet dreams

Good-night