Posting this because maybe someone else would relate but, (yes it's a rant post)
It's been a while since I haven't had a love interest ; looking forward to trying something with them, getting happy and all flustered every time I interact with them. Though, I literally am a big romantic. What is blocking me, is not especially the people. God no, the number of people I found interesting/attractive is outrageous even. What is blocking is me and how I see myself as a potential lover.
Let's say this directly, I don't think I am made for someone. Between wondering if the person is taken and if I talk to them I might come off as rude, or as a lesbian the risk of meeting a straight woman. And the worst of all, my fear of not being the one they're looking for. Mentally. Physically. Whatever. Hitting on people feels disgusting when I think about doing it. I'm just bad at it. Or I don't know, I never tried, irl at least. What if they are disgusted by my attempt ? Embarrassed ?
And that idea enforces itself whenever I hear about all the lesbians around me being so happy in their love life. I love that for them, but you always wonder when it'll happen to you. EVERYONE knows what I'm talking about lol.
Then I feel disgusting, because it seems like I'm only centered about finding a romantic partner. I guess that's not true. But when you never had something you wanted since you were in middle school, it's normal to yearn for it most of the time, right ?
Yeah that's how it works, i have a crush, I overthink, get scared of approaching them + hate initiating the flirting, regret, find myself disgusting because my mind feels centered about romance, then completely buries my romantic interest deep down in the back of my mind. That's how you get to the result of having no crush, at all.
So yeah really for a long time now the only word I can describe myself with is disgusting, and I hate it. Because I know I shouldn't treat myself like this but, it's engrained in my brain, every time I think I might have a crush and want to interact with them.
"disgustingdisgustingdisgustingdisgustingdisgustingdisgustingdisgustingdisgustingdisgustingdisgustingdisgustingdisgustingdisgustingdisgustingdisgustingdisgustingdisgustingdisgusting"
Actual reconstitution of my mind, ahahah so nice. It's probably a bit of trauma of all my previous crushes that rejected me lol.
Hope it makes sense, even half of it at least :')
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