2020 has been an undeniably unpredictable and tough year for us all, but every cloud has a silver lining and mine was the fact that I finally found the courage to be me and come out!
I still remember panicking after sending my parents a drunk text about being queer and how alone I've always felt keeping such a huge part of myself from people I love. I remember the next day, waking up in bed with them sitting at the foot and I remember how awkward quarantine-ing with them in the initial days after coming out was.
I'm glad to have come out to all on social media and most of all, for paving a way in my homophobic college for other queer kids like me.
I hope if you are reading this right now and struggling with figuring out who you are, acceptance or coming out, remember that you are never alone in the journey no matter how hard things might seem right now.
I hope someday you find courage within you to scream your truth from rooftops or whisper it softly into the wind. I hope the tears of your pain help grow a new seed of strength to survive whatever lies ahead. I send you a dozen hugs wrapped in colors of the rainbow to fill your days with light.
• Shrike but you’re sitting by your open window during a thunderstorm
• In The Woods Somewhere but you’re actually somewhere in the woods during a summer night, sitting by a campfire
• No Plan but you’re sitting on an empty beach looking out on the sea
• Almost (Sweet Music) but you’re sitting on a porch during a thunderstorm
• Angel Of Small Death & The Codeine Scene but you’re driving through a snow blizzard at night
• Wasteland, Baby! but you’re driving at night through rain
• As It Was but you’re sitting on your windowsill, watching the thunderstorm that’s going on outside
• Sedated but you’re underwater
• Wasteland, Baby! but you’re right at the edge of a dark forest, sitting by a bonfire
• Run but you’re sitting by a lake. The sun just went down and you lit a bonfire to keep yourself warm
• From Eden but you’re sitting in a field by a small river. It’s a nice sunny day & the birds are chirping
• Arsonist’s Lullabye but you’re all cozied up in front of an open fireplace
• NFWMB (Acoustic) but you’re in the middle of a forest at night, sitting in the entrance of your tent in front of a bonfire
• In A Week but it’s coming from an unknown source in the distance; you’re laying in the middle of a field, insects are buzzing around you
• It Will Come Back but you’re sitting at the edge of a cliff looking out onto the ocean and the thunderstorm that’s raging in the distance
• Foreigner’s God but you’re walking through howling wind
• Work Song but you’re on an empty beach, looking out onto the ocean while the daylight fades
• Dinner & Diatribes but it’s playing at a fancy cocktail/dinner party
• Would That I but you’re sitting outside on a windy day enjoying the way the trees move and the leaves rustle all around you
• Movement but you’re lying on your couch next to an open window, enjoying the thunderstorm that’s going on outside
• Like Real People Do but you’re in the forest, actually digging up something (or someone?)
• Work Song but sung by a woman/female!Hozier
• Run but sung by a woman/female!Hozier
• Take me to Church but sung by a woman/female!Hozier
• NFWMB but it’s playing from an old truck radio. You’re at the edge of a forest at night, cuddled up to your lover in the makeshift bed in the back of the truck, listening to the sounds of their breathing and heartbeat
• Better Love but you’re in the treetops of the jungle, listening to the sounds of the animals in the forest below
• Talk but you’re on a walk in a forest
• Cherry Wine but you’re in your hammock on your veranda with a glass of wine, listening to the rain and the insects in your garden
• Would That I but you’re cozied up in front of your fireplace after a long day
• From Eden but you’re riding your bicycle down a dirt path
• Someone New but it’s quietly playing through your headphones while you’re walking down a busy street; watching all the strangers around you going about their day
• Sunlight but you’re out camping on a hot summer night
• The Humours of Whiskey but someone is singing it while you’re on a walk, exploring a forest
• Be but it’s a hot summer day and you’re sitting by a river at the edge of a forest
• Jackie And Wilson but you’re sitting by a campfire; there’s a thunderstorm brewing in the distance
• Nobody but you’re in bed, cuddled up to your significant other while it’s raining outside
• To Noise Making (Sing) but you’re on a walk through the woods on a nice spring day
• Moment’s Silence (Common Tongue) but it’s playing from an old radio that your friend/SO and you took with you to hang out by a lake on a nice summer day
Nefelibata - A person who lives in the clouds of her own imagination or dreams.
Since my childhood, it has been easy to find solace in my mind, my imagination taking me to safe places to hide from the harsh realities of life. Even today, when life gets too much I find myself getting lost in my mind.
After the rollercoaster 2020 was, 2021 doesn't feel much different. I do have hope for things to get better but having seen so much pain and uncertainty in the past few months, it's easy to worry about how everything will pan out.
Sometimes just a walk through the park helps me clear my mind and I find myself being in awe of the beauty that exists outside of me. The beauty of nature, of the architecture around, seeing the pretty pink clouds helps me move from the clouds of my imagination and find comfort in reality: an acceptance of the future and faith that I have my rooting strong to weather all storms.
I’ve never wanted anything more. But he’s gone, and that’s the truth… and everything has a price. One I’m not willing to pay. Not anymore. This world was a beautiful place just as it was… and you cannot have it all. You can only have the truth… and the truth is enough. The truth is beautiful.
Gal Gadot as Diana Prince/Wonder Woman in Wonder Woman 1984 (2020) dir. Patty Jenkins
Being a womxn in India is a disadvantage in itself. Add being queer to the mix and yikes, that's a whole new ball game! I always personally held a deep grudge against the universe for making me who I am and putting me into the worst of environments. Messy family issues, finding solace in a religion which would never accept me, friends who never understood me, a sky high ambition with the drive of a sloth. I hated this and I hated that and most of all, I hated myself. I hated how different and out of place I always felt, I hated how my ideals seemed so out of reach, I hated how no accolade could satisfy the need to reach more higher, I hated being alive.
But, every cloud has a silver lining and mine was that being so different helped me find a new perspective to life. When I finally accepted all of me, the circumstances I was born into, the events that had unfolded, I saw, really saw how much power I had. Power to make a change. Power to relate with the underdogs and outcasts of society. Power to use my voice and all of me to make the world better.
If you haven't heard of the butterfly effect, it basically refers to the ability of EVERY minuscule change that can bring about more changes and eventually cause a huge shift in how things were like how just a flutter of a butterflies wings in one part of the world causes a shift in the wind and ultimately typhoons.
My power lies in me being a minority amongst a minority, a queer Indian woman. A woman with a voice for those who can't speak up yet. I've seen women in India suffer so much, from struggling to even survive with the rampant female foeticide rates to domestic violence, marital rapes, dowry deaths in marriages and the burden of putting family over education and career. Change has only been possible because of people raising their voices in the past and right now is the time to stand up too.
I close my eyes and dream of a place where gender is just as irrelevant as the shoes we wear. But we have a long road ahead of us; every action has consequences to make the world a little better for everyone and wisdom is knowing how far we can push boundaries instead of nodding along to the status quo.
“People who exude love are apt to give things away. They are in every way like rivers; they stream. And so when they collect possessions and things they like, they are apt to give them to other people. Because, have you ever noticed that when you start giving things away, you keep getting more?”
Set right on the border of the tiny state, Dudhsagar is the highest waterfall in Goa. Its name literally translates to "sea of milk" because of the stark contrast of the water on the dark rocks.
Having a house in Collem, I have been a frequent visitor here throughout my childhood and the the roar of the water always resonated deep and helped quieten the chaos in my mind.
If you ever make a trip to the sunny beaches of Goa, this serene and beautiful place nestled among the Western Ghats is definitely a spot you need to visit!
