Sarahdactyl Blogs

I forget about this blog 360 days a year

[sarahdactylblogs]

The Double Standard

You’re an 18 year old woman. 

You should go to college! 

But, you know, you’re not getting any younger. Maybe you should start looking for a husband while you’re still young and hot. 

Already have a baby or are expecting? DEFINITELY forget the degree, at least for now. The kid should be your only priority. And you should probably marry the baby’s father. Don’t love him, he’s not an emotionally stable father, he surrendered his rights as a partner and a dad? Too bad. You shouldn’t have had sex with someone you can’t raise a child and spend the rest of your life with. 

College not for you?

That’s PROBABLY fine, but you better get a good desk job. Women aren’t built for hard labor. You can join the service if you like, but remember that you might be responsible for sexism or sexual assault against you. If you work to try to change that too much, you’re a bitch. 

You should still go to college, though. You’re nothing without a degree. 

So you’re in college. Graduate in four years (no longer), and pick a degree that a woman should have. Communications is good, even though it’s weak. I mean who communicates for a living? Don’t think about engineering, math or science. That’s a man’s world. 

You should probably find a husband while you’re there, but don’t get married too early. Experience your life! Party! But don’t get drunk, and don’t have a lot of boyfriends. Or any boyfriends. Or just one boyfriend. You’re doing it wrong. 

Also be sure to rise above your parent’s accomplishments, while never forgetting to honor them and thank them at all times with the utmost respect for having raised you. They abused you, did a crappy job, or didn’t raise you? Too bad. They brought you into existence. You owe them for that by living the life they want you to live. 

But make your own decisions. 

So you graduated. Congratulations! Time to get a job! Time to get a husband! 

Don’t excel too much at that job, though. And don’t be aggressive while you’re at it. You’ll look like a ball-buster. If you have complaints about male subordinates’ performance, be sweet about it. But also be aggressive. But be sweet. Make them think it’s their idea to improve. Work long hours and late nights to get ahead.

Why aren’t you married?

Oh you are married? Do you own a home? You should own a home and keep it immaculate. Work all day and keep the home and children perfect. 

But when you get home, you need to cook for your husband and pay attention to him. Don’t ask for sex, though. Be ready to give it up when he wants it, but be coy about it. Don’t deny him. Gotta keep that man happy and at home! 

But don’t forget to clean. 

If you’re not married, why not? Better find a husband! You’re not getting any younger! Make sure he makes a lot of money and has a degree. Don’t you want kids?

You don’t? You’re selfish and wasting your life! You’ll never experience anything like the love of motherhood. You’re not really a woman unless you have kids. 

You do want kids? Well what are you waiting for? Get pregnant! But only if you are married to a man. Be happy and enjoy every moment of your pregnancy. You are bringing forth new life! Can’t have kids? Adopt. There are so many kids who need loving homes! But adopt a kid of your own race. And really, don’t adopt. They won’t be your kid. Just have a baby. 

Hope you plan on quitting your job to take care of them. But then you’re not contributing to the household budget, so the place better be spotless and the kids better be well-behaved and you better work out for at least two hours a day to tighten up that post-baby body. 

But you should probably be working and taking care of the kids. If you send them to daycare someone else is raising your children. A STRANGER. How could you do that?!

Those kids are a direct reflection of you at all times. They are not to cry in public, make messes, or make bad choices. They must eat all organic. You are not to have a c-section. Don’t vaccinate them. Do vaccinate them. You’re responsible for any mood or mental adjustments the child may experience, allergies, physical and mental well being. And why is your kid so short? Colorblind? Energetic? Drug them. Don’t drug them. Coconut oil will solve it. 

Still not married? OMG. Well... honey I’m sure you’re next.

Getting married? Here’s how you should plan your wedding. 

Divorced? You obviously couldn’t keep your man happy. Probably something you did. Hope you learned a lesson for next time. It must be so hard on the kids. What a selfish decision, even if he was abusive/not a good father. 

If you didn’t get your degree, now’s the time to do it. Your kids are in school! You have time, right? But don’t take evening classes because you have to make dinner and clean and spend time with your husband and kids. 

Also, do all this while going to church and not showing cleavage. But you’re a woman, so dress like a woman. But not in a way that’s distracting to men, and everything distracts men. But if you wear a shapeless cloth you’ll be an outcast. And wear makeup, but not too much. But definitely do, daily. 

Not married, no kids, enjoying your career? What a waste. Imagine this woman trading the joys in her life just to achieve her goals. How selfish. Men are swinging bachelors, working hard to become titans of industry but women of a certain age, unmarried and childless might as well just get a bunch of cats. No hope for them. 

Do all this, and be sweet. 

[sarahdactylblogs]

Dear My Character,

Dear Kayce,

We have gotten so close the last few months, and I have abandoned you. You’re my little sister; I taught you so much, gave you so much power, and now I have stuck you in limbo. You must be wondering where I’ve gone. 

You invited your brand new, first boyfriend to dinner with your folks. It’s happening tonight, and you’re fraught with anxiety. You like him so much and your family is anything but typical, but you are suspended in this fear and nervousness because of me. I know what’s going to happen, but I haven’t told you yet. I haven’t told anyone yet. It hasn’t been written. And, in fact, it might change six times before I do write it. 

Dear Kace, you have two incredible loving parents, not unlike mine. You have dear, supportive friends, not unlike mine. You have the incredible challenges that I have put in front of you on top of the normal drama of just being fifteen. You have the brains, if not always the emotional maturity, to handle everything, but you can’t. Because I haven’t told you to yet. 

Creating you was not something I planned to do. I just started writing and you appeared. I am filled with gratitude for that miracle, but I’m stunned at the amount of responsibility I feel for you. When I don’t visit you, I am sad and feel guilty. 

I’m sorry, Kayce Marshall. I promise I’ll be back soon. 

Love, 

Your Author

[sarahdactylblogs]

#NormalizeLadyRage

Once upon a time I attended a seminar (as part of a larger professional conference) about women and emotional maturity. The whole point of the talk was that women need to get some emotional maturity in the workplace. As in, they can’t overreact, lead with emotion, generally break down into sobbing masses. 

I remember leaving that seminar pissed as hell, thinking about how I’ve had some bad days at work (and a few involved me literally running outside JUST SO I wouldn’t break down at my desk) but generally I prided myself on holding my shit together. “Not every woman struggles with emotional maturity,” I thought, and rolled my eyes and continued on with my day, life, career, etc.

Several events popped up during the last week that gave me pause and reminded me of that seminar. While I still don’t necessarily agree that every woman needs emotional maturity lessons, it occurred to me that she may have a point. 

1) My boyfriend and I are buying a house together. That means we’re on the mortgage together, making decisions together, and dealing with all of the big stuff together. To his credit, for being a bachelor for all these years he’s handling this whole “completely shared existence with another person” thing like a friggin’ rock star. He’s included me on everything. He discusses everything with me. Even though we don’t always agree, he always considers and validates my opinions and concerns, and even when he suspects I may be reacting as a result of exterior stress (which has certainly been true) rather than be condescending or dismissive, we talk it out and give it time and he checks back. He’s been a rock star, actually. 

Our realtor, by contrast, has not. It’s interesting to note here that she’s a woman, although I don’t really know why I feel the need to note that. She’s left me off of every communication. I don’t know if she is unaware of our mutual involvement or merely dismissive of it. Regardless, it’s incredibly invalidating. The boyfriend, to his credit, spoke up for me and demanded that she start CCing me on emails (as he’s done since this whole process started) and she finally did. As glad that I was that he spoke up for me, I’m annoyed that he had to. 

2) Oh, the chauvinist in my life. Now, of course there are many, but this one in particular is a regular figure in my life and becoming harder and harder to deal with. At one point, he was somewhat beholden to me. Since that phase has ended, the tables have turned and he’s become aggressive and unpleasant, behaving in such a way that communicates when I voice anything against him I’m being a bitch but he has reign to (literally) yell at me all he wants. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t want to interact with him at all, even at the most basic acquaintance level and look forward to the day when I no longer have to. 

He’s not a bad guy, and as far as I can tell he doesn’t treat every woman like this. I think he just doesn’t like me. I have my suspicions as to why, and that’s fine. Unless you’re a $100 bill not everyone is going to like you. But to treat me with a complete lack of respect as a human being? That’s ridiculous in any scenario. 

Both of these things put me in positions where I am angry, but feel guilty for feeling that way. Or, if not guilty, like I’m doing something wrong or going against my nature by being upset about something. I am continually checking my emotions and behavior against my logical thinking: am I within realistic limits to be upset? This is reasonable, to feel ignored or attacked, right? Am I handling this in a way that is fair to myself, the realtor, the acquaintance, etc? After hours of obsessing about it and after LOTS of second guessing, I determine that I am, but realize that the other people in this scenario have probably not considered their actions at all, nor felt the need to. 

Which brings me to number 3. 

3) While listening to an NPR Podcast (Pop Culture Happy Hour for those interested- it’s great!) I heard the hashtag #NormalizeLadyRage and it gave me pause. So often I feel unreasonable and guilty for expressing what I have determined (over and over) to be absolutely justified, valid anger and for reacting as such. And not even raging, just EXPRESSING it at the most basic level. Even saying something as simple as, “Hey, I get why you’re frustrated but you gotta work on the attitude” is met with rage, and then I feel like I somehow lit the stage on fire and I’m in the wrong. 

I am blessed to have had so many supportive people in my life who validate my voice, raging or not, but it’s still not the norm. Not for me, and certainly not for most women. 

All of it made me think of the emotional maturity lady with whom I so ardently disagreed with in the past. I wondered if she has people who validate her rage, or if she’s trying to keep her head above water in a world where women are nothing if they’re not “pleasant” like many of us have seen our way through in the past. 

I wish I had a solution. I wish that #normalizeladyrage could be met with an open mind and no period jokes, but alas. Regardless of how unacceptable it is, realistically it’s only a matter of time. 

I can pitch this into the ether, though. Everyone has a voice, and everyone should feel free to use it. I am grateful for the validators in my life. Although it should be the norm, I recognize we have a long way to go before it is and that they should be applauded for being early adopters. 

Rage on, lady ragers. I have your back, and if you ever need to question your perfectly valid anger (dozens of times) I’m your girl. 

[suzie-guru]

Imagine Harry and Ginny a few months into their marriage and they’re so happy and in love and then one day they go shopping for food and household items and Harry just casually grabs certain items before Ginny hisses at him to “Check the prices, Harry, God! That bed set is far too expensive, we’re not going to have anything left to get the food with!” And Harry starts to laugh and say “We don’t have to worry about -” and then he stops and he and Ginny look at each other. And Harry realizes that she’s grown up having to measure out all her money and decide what she can and cannot have for a certain week or month or year. And Ginny realizes that she is actually no longer obligated to worry about money ever again. 

Imagine Harry and Ginny eating dinner together and Ginny’s telling him about certain meals her mum made and teasing him about how he wolfs everything down and “Honestly Harry, you’re worse than Ron!” and Harry retorts laughingly “well old habits die hard, I had to fight Dudley for meals all the time, you at least knew you were going to eat every day!” And Ginny’s grin starts to fade and she asks “You…you didn’t get to eat everyday?” And Harry realizes what he said and he changes the subject quickly and Ginny looks at the plates in front of him and resists the urge to pile on some more potatoes. And the next day Vernon Dursley’s car is egged. 

Imagine Harry and Ginny both suffering from night terrors and PTSD and agreeing that maybe going to that therapist Hermione recommended isn’t such a bad idea, and that’s how Thursday night became Therapy Night when they go out to dinner or to the pub after each session and agree that  they need to talk to some Healers about introducing these sessions since therapy is still widely seen as muggle nonsense in the wizarding world.

And Ginny murmurs over her fire whiskey that sometimes she can still hear Tom Riddle murmuring in her ear, and Harry whispers that he dreams about running after his mother and father and Sirius and Remus as they disappear behind the Veil in the Department of Mysteries and he doesn’t know if he wakes from terror or regret about not making it through. And they go back home and hold each other closer that night and both wake up with raging hangovers. 

[sarahdactylblogs]

Love really is about going through things and healing... together. 

[themuppetsabc-deactivated201901]

Me signing checks when I win the Powerball

[dadsolo]

[sarahdactylblogs]

Six reasons why I would like a time machine. 

[sarahdactylblogs]

Most Awesome 32

Well January of 2016 kind of sucked, but the amazing thing about having your birthday exactly one month after New Year’s Day is that you kind of get a do-over with the fresh starts. So... I am declaring the suck to be over, and the world to be awesome. Here’s to 365 Awesome Days. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=at_f98qOGY0

[muppetational-blog]

[sarahdactylblogs]

I’m gangster, okay

[themuppets]

On the fifth day of Christmas, #TheMuppets gave to me: Pepe flirting with Mindy.

[themuppets]

You got to know when to hold ‘em, okay. Take a gamble with Pepe and watch a brand new episode of The Muppets tomorrow at 8|7c on ABC!

[sarahdactylblogs]

Nobody can master the pokers face joo know like a king prawns, okay

[talesofnorth]

#I’m waiting for someone to add that emperors new groove gif to the last frame#where he’s erasing Batman and Supes#and drawing love hearts around WW (via littlebamflamb)

[sarahdactylblogs]

@vapianist42

[explosm]

By Kris. http://www.explosm.net is only for the most EXPERIENCED of webcomic readers. Are you up for it?

[sarahdactylblogs]

@vapianist42 can we just skip the underwater level? #yuck 

[explosm]

Do you like video games? Do you like beer? If you said no to either of those things, don’t even look at this pint glass because it really might upset you. http://store.explosm.net/collections/glassware/products/i-saved-my-progress-pint-glass

[sarahdactylblogs]

Want. 

[sarahdactylblogs]

Relationship Propaganda

Every once in awhile I run across something that makes my blood boil. This article I saw posted on Odyssey Online (linked to me through Facebook) is one of those things. 

The Author, Grace Valentine, probably didn’t mean to infuriate me. I’m sure that she meant it as a simple post about men and women and the obstacles that come with dating and relationships. But I think that a lot of the messaging here isn’t only false but dangerous.

I’m obviously an old lady in this scenario. Based on some of the context clues here, I’m guessing I have about 10 years on Grace and therefore a lot more successful (and failed) relationships. I don’t talk with a lot of 21 year old women, but if I did I’d probably want to shake them and say, “You’re wrong! You’re so wrong!” like I did when I read this article.

It’s here:

http://theodysseyonline.com/baylor/30-things-girls-wish-guys-knew/99332

Aaaaaaand here’s my rebuttal. In order.

1) The reason the rumor exists that Nice Guys Finish Last IS BECAUSE THEY DO. Girls friendzone really nice guys and go for the asshole. Be honest: we've all done it and it takes awhile to figure out that you ACTUALLY want a nice guy. When they're young, chances are girls do not want nice guys. They want bad boys to be nice to them. This is by no means the rule, but like "bad boys," bad apples can spoil the bunch. If you truly want a Nice Guy, how about dating the one that you know is waiting for you after class, texting you about study groups, or buying you Starbucks? You know he's there. Don't pretend. 2) There are no rules for the amount of time it takes to form a meaningful connection. "Take it slow" is a societal construct. Find the pace that's right for you and stick with it. 3) Saying a selfie is a "feminine" action is irritatingly prejudicial. Men and women are equally allowed and capable of posting selfies, and a guy can post nothing but douchey ab pictures if he wants to. If you have an issue with that ladies, all that shows you is that he's not the guy for you. There's a girl out there for him who loves that, and probably has matching locker room bikini selfies. You wouldn't want some dude criticizing your selfies, would you? Lay off his. 4) Again- you are more than welcome to inform him that you find a guy's speech insulting or shallow, but that doesn't give you the right to take away his right to say whatever he wants (as long as it's not slanderous, hateful, or in some other way illegal.) Do you really want to date a guy whom you have to tell to STOP ranking women? I mean honestly. If you know he’s “ranking” women, don’t agree to a date in the first place because he’s obviously shallow. 5) I'm okay with this one. But the message is “treat me well.” Just say that, or better yet, find a man who already knows that. 6) I'm guessing this is more a piece of advice for other women... 7) This is extremely subjective based on the man and woman. Children are wonderful but not for everyone. How about focusing on building a strong bond and figuring out that the man will be a great partner before judging whether he'll be a good dad? The best gift a man can give a child is to be supportive to the child's mother. 8) Guys also look good in sweatpants. Again, subjective. Be careful about expecting men to dress up, too, because the high heel goes on the other foot. You don't want to wax, wear panty hose, get your hair and nails done, wear make up, etc every time you go out, do you? 9) I'm sorry... do men expect all of us to look like Victoria's Secret models? I have literally never heard a man ask me why I don't look like Giselle. 10) I'm okay with this one too. But that’s me. A lot of feminists out there have a real problem with this. 11) Cheaters never win, true. But it shouldn't matter if sorority sisters are after the cheater. He should be in your rear view mirror already. Besides retribution on the cheater just prolongs the pain. Let it go. 12) This is a difference between men and women, so as much as women JUST NEED TO VENT we have to acknowledge that men just need to fix things and get frustrated sometime when you don't want them to somehow solve the problem. I can't tell you how many times I've vented to a boyfriend only to hear, "WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO ABOUT IT?!" It took me a long time to figure out that he wasn't mad... he was frustrated that he couldn't help. Furthermore women need to be prepared to answer that need to vent equally and realize that 9 times out of 10, what they're venting about has nothing to do with the man, so don't blame him for your bad day (which I'm sure we're all guilty of.) Furthermore, telling him not to disagree is ridiculous. He's entitled to disagree with you if he wants to, and honestly if you'd open your mind a little and listen the maybe you'll be shown an alternate point of view that might make the problem seem smaller or easier to deal with. 13) Why would a man tell you that you're eating too much? The author of this list is dating the wrong men. 14) The simple solution here is to stop being dramatic if you can help it. But truthfully, drama just happens sometimes and is part of the territory. Guys just have to ride it out sometimes, just like girls have to ride out men’s obnoxious gorilla moments. 15) Again, stop perpetuating stereotypes. Don't tell him you're different, show him or let him figure it out his own damn self. Who cares what other women say? 16) A man is entitled to tweet whatever he wants to. If he chooses to tweet his emotions, that's his deal. If that's a problem for you either tell him why or reconsider your partnership. 17) First of all, mayyyyyyybe if you hear "you look horrible and ugly; wow, I can tell you have no makeup on." when a guy says, "you look tired" you're being maybe a teensy bit sensitive. Secondly, that statement might come from a place of genuine concern and caring. Instead of flipping out because you think it's an insinuation that you look ugly, how about being honest about how you're feeling or asking him what he means? If you are tired because of work or finals or something, maybe he has a foot rub in mind. 18) File this under "be kind" in the book of "how to be a decent human being." 19) Compliments are nice, but a lot of men aren't great with that type of love language. There are all kinds of ways a guy can communicate his esteem for you, and chances are they're not always words. Instead of wishing he tells you that you're beautiful more often, how about recognizing how he holds your hands in public always, makes plans with you far into the future, and takes out your trash without complaint? 20) Super awesome example of taking this off of the list of "what girls wish guys knew" and putting it on the list of "what guys know because we tell them." Also consider that maybe he's trying to minimize any jealousy you may feel. He can't say another woman is attractive, can he? Didn't think so. 21) Okay, women. SAY WHAT YOU MEAN and EXPECT MEN TO DO THE SAME. If you say you're not interested in a relationship, assume he's going to take away that you're not interested in a relationship. If he says he doesn't want one, just go ahead and expect that's what he means. 22) Who are you to say what's going on with another woman? Maybe it's because of judgmental girls that she doesn't have female friends to begin with. Have an open mind and be nice. The best allies women have are one another, and judging each other like this is a big old step backwards. 23) Presents... sigh. I can't even with the presents right now. Can't. Even. Girls... just... stuff is SO NOT IMPORTANT. Why is this even mentioned on a list? When you get a little older you’re going to realize that a man dealing with your car problem or cutting your grass is worth 1000 flower bouquets “just because.” 24) Well is he allowed to instagram or not? Deciding a guy can instagram couple pics and not selfies is weirdly controlling. You wouldn't want him saying that to you, would you? 25) Ladies, if you want to text with him, text him. He's not bloody psychic. If he's not texting you at all, he's probably not interested period. Or maybe he's not a texter. I don't know. Depends on the guy. 26) Netflix is fun and fun is subjective. 27) Again, dammit, TALK ABOUT IT. Maybe he wants to pay all the time. Some men get really insulted if a woman asks to pay. Some men are fine with you picking up the tab sometimes. Also some women NEVER want to pay. It depends on a lot of things. 28) Depends on the brother, I'd say. I don’t have one, so I can’t really comment here. 29) If a guy was meeting MY Dad, a firm handshake was a plus. But that's MY dad. 30) See... while I appreciate the sentiment here, it's ridiculous to assume these things. Some women don't worry about ending up with a man at all. While I understand the spirit of this list, I basically disagree with everything on it because these kind of things are what makes women impossible to please and "dream men" not exist. Girls, when you meet the man that you end up with he'll probably be super flawed and get a lot of things wrong. And SO WILL YOU. And this list will go out the window because what really matters is who you are, who he is, how you fit together and figuring out all the little ways you butt heads and click. Some things can be ignored with an eyeroll. Some things can be worked through. Some things are deal breakers. It depends on the individuals. Furthermore, Grace Valentine, author of this list, PLEASE understand that your lists reach a lot of people and have the power to be very influential. You should be proud! Great job! But posting about what you "wish men knew" is your first problem. If you want men to know something, tell them! If you can't communicate a simple message about what makes you happy and what doesn't, maybe it's too soon to be in a relationship with him (or anyone, honestly.) Your overall sentiment is pretty dead on, in my opinion. Really, it's about a girl asking a boy to love her the way she is and treat her with the respect she deserves. But remember, my dear, that girls owe boys the same thing. 

[lesstalkmoreillustration]

[1000drawings]

[sarahdactylblogs]

Reblog ALL the sappy things!

[oldloves]

Bill Murray on Gilda Radner:

"Gilda got married and went away. None of us saw her anymore. There was one good thing: Laraine had a party one night, a great party at her house. And I ended up being the disk jockey. She just had forty-fives, and not that many, so you really had to work the music end of it. There was a collection of like the funniest people in the world at this party. Somehow Sam Kinison sticks in my brain. The whole Monty Python group was there, most of us from the show, a lot of other funny people, and Gilda. Gilda showed up and she’d already had cancer and gone into remission and then had it again, I guess. Anyway she was slim. We hadn’t seen her in a long time. And she started doing, “I’ve got to go,” and she was just going to leave, and I was like, “Going to leave?” It felt like she was going to really leave forever. So we started carrying her around, in a way that we could only do with her. We carried her up and down the stairs, around the house, repeatedly, for a long time, until I was exhausted. Then Danny did it for a while. Then I did it again. We just kept carrying her; we did it in teams. We kept carrying her around, but like upside down, every which way—over your shoulder and under your arm, carrying her like luggage. And that went on for more than an hour—maybe an hour and a half—just carrying her around and saying, “She’s leaving! This could be it! Now come on, this could be the last time we see her. Gilda’s leaving, and remember that she was very sick—hello?” We worked all aspects of it, but it started with just, “She’s leaving, I don’t know if you’ve said good-bye to her.” And we said good-bye to the same people ten, twenty times, you know.  And because these people were really funny, every person we’d drag her up to would just do like five minutes on her, with Gilda upside down in this sort of tortured position, which she absolutely loved. She was laughing so hard we could have lost her right then and there. It was just one of the best parties I’ve ever been to in my life. I’ll always remember it. It was the last time I saw her.”

- from Live from New York: an Uncensored History of Saturday Night Live