Hey tumblr
I haven’t been here in a long time. Like a really long time. But right now I have a lot of feelings and I don’t know where to put them so I’m going to put them here.
For the longest time leading up to this election, it was like “that man is a joke, I’m offended that he’s still allowed to go saying what he’s saying but there’s no chance he’ll become president and there’s no chance that any reasonable person would choose him.” Election night I was looking at projections. I was pretty sure Hillary was going to win but I still watched with a smidgen of anxiety. When it became clear that it wouldn’t be a clear Hillary victory, I got more anxious and refused to leave my seat on the couch for fear that if I abandoned the TV, the results would change. With my concentration and hope and will, it could change.
It didn’t. I woke up the next day with a weight on my chest. When I realized what happened, I had the worst feeling of dread I’ve ever had. I met a lot of people from other countries this summer that effectively told me how much of a joke they thought we were. My students were scared. I was scared. I was shocked and infuriated and in denial. But it happened. I can’t change it. I got through it at first by saying that all of those people must just be terrible, terrible people or horribly ignorant. Nobody makes that choice while being informed unless they’re racist and sexist and xenophobic. Surely everybody on the other side was downright terrible. And it’s more than half of us!? But I’m realizing anger is not the answer. I am nearly as disgusted at the people pouring through cities shouting “FUCK TRUMP” as I am with the people who now feel that they can be open with their racial slurs. None of them are right. I need to realize that even though these people are wrong to me, they can’t ALL be terrible. I know people on that right side. And no matter what, violence will not end this. We need to be clear-headed and kind and thoughtful and loving. We need to do good. We need to handle this maturely and responsibly. But every time I log onto facebook, all I see are more reasons to be scared and to dread everything that is about to happen. But what if it’s not all going to be that bad? What if we can be together and positive and combat the ignorance and hold together anyways? I’m trying to be so positive but it’s so hard when everyone else seems to have given up. I am deleting anyone who doesn’t feel like I do on social media the moment I see a hint of anything I like. But I can’t delete everyone. It’s not productive to do this. I think I need to not be on social media for a while. I’ve never felt this way but I feel like I need to solve this internally before I can deal with it all. I’m frustrated and even though I know I have a lot of support, I feel lost.
I just hope it’s all okay.
