Levels of Orgasm Control and Chastity - A Guide for 'Vanilla' Keyholders
There are many different kinds of orgasm control.
The chastity/denial/control dynamic exists on a spectrum and - as you will see from the countless resources online - there is no one 'right answer'.
I've had a large number of DMs requesting variations of the blog posts that I have put out there so far - many of which ask for a 'watered down' version that they can take to their significant other as a way to start the chastity / orgasm control conversation.
The most interesting questions are from more typically 'vanilla' wives and girlfriends who have clearly been sent my blog by their husbands / boyfriends and are at a loss to find ways to make this dynamic work. So this article will be a very basic guide to a 'gentle' start in this space to see if you and your partner can make it work.
In most cases in this dynamic, the man has initiated this conversation. First off - well done to him for plucking up the courage to tell you about his desires and fantasies. He's probably been thinking about it for ages and it's healthy to have this openness and vulnerability in a relationship.
Secondly, the most important thing to remember, is that he is proposing that you take the reins in terms of your sexual play. This is crucial, because if you truly take the reins, it means that you don't have to do exactly what he is proposing. You can, and should, put your own spin on things.
Teasing, denial and chastity are all essentially about orgasm control. This means that you man is saying to you that he would like you to take charge of when and how he orgasms. It's as simple as that. If you choose to participate and make this part of your play, this should be the starting point of all of your decisions. So, I'll say it again:
"This is about you taking charge of when and how he orgasms."
Again, Why Does He Want This?
I am not going to spend much time on this question, as there are other posts and many resources about this online. However, the cliff notes:
"Not orgasming" for a long period has a profound, often positive, impact over a male's hormones and headspace.
Giving you control may be a turn on for him.
It spices things up in long term relationships.
Some men use it to break habits like masturbation / porn.
It helps a lot of men focus more, exercise more and sleep better.
It's sexy and fun to have you in control.
There are many benefits for you as the female, but again, these have been outlined ad nauseam. More cliff notes:
No pressure on you for sex
However, you get sex when and how you want it.
You can often 'redirect' the male's sexual energy into other things like service, massages, exercising and more.
The Spectrum of Orgasm Control
Here is an opinionated view on the 'levels' of orgasm control you can choose from (or blend) if you and your man decide to give this thing a spin.
All orgasm control dynamics operate under the premise that your man is simply not allowed to orgasm without your permission. Should it be during sex, play or even him masturbating, he must wait for your express permission before he goes over the edge.
Chastity cages often play a role in this spectrum because they serve as a constant reminder and/or partial barrier that the male's choice to orgasm is no longer his own.
Here, the male does not wear a chastity cage and is free to touch, pleasure and edge himself at will. He is simply not allowed to come.
This is the simplest form of orgasm control for you as there's no cage component, but, interestingly, it's extremely difficult for him, as it relies purely on his evolution-proven, questionable sexual self control. It requires Buddha-level quantities of zen for most males to not sneak an orgasm while unlocked after 2-3 weeks of denial.
In my view, a major benefit of using chastity in this dynamic is that it is impossible for him to get hard while locked. This reality really keeps his erotic urges in check.
Here, you say to your man that you encourage, or are happy, for him to wear a chastity cage during his denial periods, but the locking and management thereof is purely up to him. There is no need to communicate about the lock ups, and the male is using this on his own accord to help control his desires.
This is a good place to start for couples beginning their chastity play which you both get the hang of things, and is also often a landing spot for those looking only for the lowest admin play.
Here, you as the female will be more active in the lock up process - primarily by instructing your male to lock up for a specific period of time. You will decide the parameters for when it will be locked on, and when it will be removed, and the male is not allowed to unlock without your permission. In most cases here, you will actually physically keep the key, aka become the 'keyholder'.
This is probably the most 'standard' version of chastity that is practiced by couples, as it is more collaborative in nature. The male may be locked for portions of each month, 'every now and then', for trips, for events like 'Locktober' or 'No Nut November' or for randomly timed durations decided upon by the keyholder.
This is most 'active' version of keyholding as you will be steering the decision-making here. It's also potentially the most fun as there is an uncertainty and anticipation on the part of the male which is hugely exciting for them.
In this situation, the expectation is that the male is locked unless there is a clear exception in the form of agreed instances where he can be unlocked - like doctor's appointments, cleaning, certain sports, or airport security. Or, of course, if you want him to be unlocked for sexual reasons. There no need to define a lockup period, because there is no a 'period', per se. He's locked and can only unlock for pre-defined reasons or emergencies.
This is a more intense version of chastity for the male, but is significantly easier for you as the keyholder, as you don't need to set or manage lock up or release periods.
When Default mode is on, you will allow your man to unlock for his doctor's appointment, and then he will relock when it's over. You may unlock him for sex, but as soon as it's over, he will refit the cage immediately. No need for discussions or negotiations, and no questions asked.
Some keyholders are fans of dealing with the cage all that much, and enforce their keyholding by telling their man to lock themselves and present them the key.
Some keyholders really enjoy this little ritual, and like doing the cage fitting themselves.
Some keyholders want to avoid having their man touch or even see their unlocked penis at all, so will have their men bound and blindfolded at all times when the cage is unlocked.
Again, this is a spectrum. Pick and choose.
I'm Super 'Vanilla' - Where Should I Start?
Short answer - wherever you like.
But my recommendation?
I would start in the 'Sometimes Locked' space. Let your man do the locking up part. Try it for a couple of weeks per month - maybe something like the first two weeks of the month are 'locked' weeks. Get a sense of how things go, what you like and what you don't like.
If your man tries to talk you out of your suggested lock up period, or tries to 'top from the bottom', then remind him that you will do this by your rules or not at all. Trust is everything here, and remember that it's ultimately about having a good time.
Read some other articles or blogs about some of the ins, outs and practicalities.
Communicate, tease, be selfish, have fun!
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