Sara Juriks

- As pointless as a white crayon - What makes a good poem? How the hell do I write one? And even if I did - what's really the point?

[sarajuriks]

“What is this?” he asked her

She looked down and saw that she was holding his hand in hers

“I don’t know..” she answered

She really didn’t

She had taken his hand as if it belonged to her

And she was holding it in hers as if it was the most natural thing to do

“What do you want?” he asked

She wanted everything and nothing

Her heart was 10 steps ahead of her and she was struggling to keep up

“I don’t know..” she answered again

It was the only answer she could give him

How could she stand there and tell him she wanted everything that wasn’t hers to have

She couldn’t tell him that she wanted him

She always felt too much

She had long retired the butterflies

Her body was a universe of exploding stars

[sarajuriks]

One day someone will come to you and tell you they fell in love with someone else. She wasn’t looking for love, like it always happens it came when she wasn’t looking. She will talk about it like it’s some magical mystery no one can explain. Your heart will feel like it has stopped beating and everything around you will seem like it’s colored a new shade of grey. She will blame you for your own tears. Tell you that for whatever reason, you were the one to let her go. You loved and lost her in the same magical and mystical way. It always happens like this. She tells you that the way she once loved you was the love of fairytales and hand painted masterpieces. It could have hung in a museum for all to see if you had only had the patience to finish it. Any masterpiece takes work and in that moment you thought the right thing to do was to let it be. And now she is standing in front of you with stars in her eyes. The stars that you once painted into them. Except these ones don’t look like her, they look like new fairytales and you are no longer a part of the story. And in that moment you’ll know.

[sarajuriks]

He looked at her like only he knew how to, and she couldn’t help but laugh

She had always spent her life making fun of girls who spoke about men who smiled with their eyes and had an honest, childish laugh

These were the things that excised only in movies, not Tuesday afternoons

Yet when he looked at her even this regular Tuesday afternoon felt like it should belong in the cinema

As his eyes smiled at her and he told her stories of his life

It still blew her mind that he had spent all these years; living, traveling and loving

And nowhere amongst any of these people, no one had ever bothered to tell him that his eyes were not just brown

They were dark brown and whole worlds could exist inside them

Yet in the right light they would shine in green and gold as if they were showing off for someone

In this very moment, as if they were showing off for her

To her, his eyes could never be just brown

Nothing about him was that simple

All of him was so much more

[sarajuriks]

You’d always tell me: “Beautiful girls don’t need to show too much skin”

“Intelligent girls shouldn’t need to wear makeup” you’d say and sigh

“Pretty girls don’t swear” you’d say and smile at me

I never did But after a while you no longer noticed what I looked like The makeup was gone and my body covered in layers of shame and heavy clothing But you no longer thought I was pretty And after that, the rest didn’t matter either

But pretty girls grow up And strong women don’t let anyone tell them who they are and what they should be

So I’d tell you to go fuck yourself But pretty girls don’t swear

[sarajuriks]

The way you talk to me is as if you’re afraid we’ll fall in love You guard your sentences and cover them in laughter and mindless emotions To hide what might come out, if you just let the words flow

And I know “just friends” don’t look at each other like we do Every time our eyes meet it is like a game of who can look at the other the longest, yet also look away first Endless contradictions Endless half smiles

We have made us into a game Our conversations into something to play with You only make it to the next level if you don’t catch feelings by the next time we talk And whoever is the hardest to get, wins

When we talk, it is never the words said that tell the story You could write a novel from all the words written between the hollow compliments, jokes, and the everyday talk And those are the words that truly mean something The words that can’t be said, cause if we say them out loud, we might fall in love And then we both lose this game

[sarajuriks]

Maybe at 3am I'll let you read me like an open book When my body is naked, only dressed by your opinion of me Maybe then I'll tell you that my heart isn't as strong as I pretend it is And that some times it feels like I'm only 3 minutes and 14 seconds away from breaking down And I'll tell you that there's no beauty in this pain We paint pictures of misery and heartache Make it feel and look like suffering is for the beautiful But maybe at 3am I'll shatter this illusion of beauty Maybe you'll undress me, by taking away the opinions you once had of me that covered my body And then at 3am when I'm lying there naked, maybe then I'll let you read me like an open book

[sarajuriks]

I was your favourite I know today you only said that to make me feel special I didn’t handle getting younger siblings very well But I believed you I was your favourite and I was special Strong women run in my family I was raised by three kick ass women who have always ruled my world And for the last 10 years I have worked tirelessly to try and fill your place To be at least half as wise Half as strong Half as loving You left shoes that I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to fill Sometimes I’m scared I’ll put my feet into them and the depth that meets me will swallow me whole But I know you would not have left me your shoes to fill if you didn’t believe one day I would grow into them That one day I’d put them on and they would fit just right And on the days when I don’t feel like I am enough When I feel unloved, unwanted and unworthy When I feel like the world is crumbling beneath me and I’m not strong enough to put the pieces back together On those days I remind myself that I will always be special Cause I was your favourite

[sarajuriks]

She lives louder, faster and more fiercely than most Its the only way she knows how to feel alive There is nothing in between, death always feels too close So she always lives as if her whole being is on fire Few people can keep up with her They try to tame her to make her fit into their boxes and ideas of perfection She never fit into anyones box of perfection She never fit into any box at all She keeps running as if the devil himself is chasing her Yet she does it with a feeling of freedom that can only come from living life more fully than it was ever meant to be lived From taking more from a day than what it has to offer She keeps running until she finally feels her feet touching the ground, no longer floating in the sky Maybe she still needs to learn from more mistakes To grow in and out of herself until she feels she is enough Until she feels like life is enough Or maybe she will never stop running

[sarajuriks]

She rolled over and looked at him Her face half buried in her pillow When she saw his smile she realized for the first time ever that there was more to life that just surviving For the first time she felt a comfort she was unable to explain It wasn't like her to be left speechless She had found comfort in words for as long as she could remember and more often than not, she could write down her feelings before she could really feel them

But not this time

She had always been terrified of the things she should love And spent too much time loving the things others were terrified of

Now she felt everything so deeply the words couldn't keep up And what had once terrified her had become her safety

[sarajuriks]

She spelled love r-u-n.

Her heart was like an express train going to nowhere.

And everyone was always a little too late to the platform.

She had been broken enough times, she could put herself back together.

Just sane enough to know right from wrong.

Up from down.

Light from dark.

And love from lust.

(Well, maybe not the last one.)

No one had ever gotten too close.

You see, there is nothing romantic about fucking a girl who makes love to her own demons every night.

She had always loved temporary people with permanence.

Hoping she could change them.

Now she kissed permanent lips with a feeling of temporary.

Loving briefly.

Fucking up systematically.

She fell with no safe guard.

She had always spelled love r-u-n.

[sarajuriks]

And i know in the end you won't chose me, but I need you to know not choosing me is okay. And i dont need you to answer I just need to have been brave enough to ask It's like we dread asking the questions, not in fear of what they would answer, but because we might not get an answer at all. But that's not what I fear. I don't need you to answer, as much as I need to prove to myself that I was ever brave enough to ask.

[sarajuriks]

He is still here in my bed and I am already coming up with ways to run away The thing is I can’t For starters it’s my house and my bed But I also don’t want to I only want to run away because I know what’s to come I will be back at square one, broken into little pieces And he will give me all the same reasons for why we were never meant to be together He will wrap the excuses up beautifully and make me believe it for a while

And I knew all of this last night But something told me maybe this time would be different There is nothing I’m better at then convincing myself the second time around will be easier It never is and I don’t seem to learn

So here I am I haven’t run away yet But if this wasn’t my house My bed I would be long gone by now

[sarajuriks]

She asked me to explain what I was feeling. I was sat there wondering if I should tell her, some days all I want to do is find the highest building here and jump off it? I don't. In stead I clench my teeth and stare up at the ceiling. I don't tell her, because she is pre-programmed to think this means I no longer want to live. That I am fed up and tired, that I've taken all the good whatever God I might believe in that day was ready to give. But that was never why. I just want to feel the world getting closer and closer beneath me. Like my feet have a chance of touching the ground, if only for a moment. Cause this doesn't happen too often, you see. She doesn't understand, cause only birds can fly. And every sane person over the age of 5 would never spend their lives wondering why. And I want her to tell me why nothing makes sense. Why I constantly walk around like a ball of worry - hyperventilating and tense. Why I feel like an astronaut with a fear of heights. Frightened by speed, yet travelling at the speed of light. Craving commitment and for someone to stay. Yet making sure I push every one that ever gets close away. An insomniac that spends too much time in bed. With a body dead tired, unlike the tornado inside my head. But you don't know the answer. So you take the one diagnosis that might fit, look for symptoms and find an enhancer. And maybe that's the issue with this whole session? That all you are looking for are signs of depression. But that was never the deal. My only wish was for you to tell me why I feel the way I feel. So I will sit here and tell you what I think you want me to say. And try to come up with a reason to stay. Maybe by realising what I need from you. If I one day wake up with enough strength to fix this hell, I'll know what to do.

[sarajuriks]

Your make up was smudged down your cheeks. Tears falling, knees shaking, lips trembling. How do I tell you you are safe from yourself, when I fight battles with my own demons every night? I would build you a safety new to catch you when you fall, but I don’t know if I am strong enough. I will open up the secret door to my heart and let you in, if you promise to not rearrange the feelings it has taken me so long to make sense of. The ones I know where I have.

I will seal remedies with humour and honest love to tell you that there is nothing I want more than for everything to be okay. 

I can’t promise you a tomorrow when the tears stop falling and the pain goes away, cause I don’t know if it exists.

I can’t tell you the nights will feel shorter, cause my every night lasts a lifetime. 

But I will tell you this; I know that it hurts. But if we share the nights, open our hearts and laugh away the monsters together, then maybe one day, it will all be okay.

[sarajuriks]

I only need me. I made sure of that a long time ago. Making sure no one ever gets too close. That I never depend on them. I will never beg you to stay. If you walk out of my life I will never stop you. It will hurt every bone in my body. But I will never stop you. I will never run after you. I will let you go. Whenever I hug someone, I am always the first to let go. Making sure I never make someone hug me longer then they wish. I will not hold you. Never make you stay close. If you ever want to go. I will let you. When it is over, it is over. Like tectonic plates shifting. Everything is still there, just shaky and broken. Cause I may love you, but I will never need you. 

[sarajuriks]

I still think of you a lot. The spaces between the seconds are reserved for you. I don’t know what they are called, but I have given them to you. Together with my ability to breathe steady when someone mentions your name. I have given them to you, as I gave you my nights. As I gave you my body. The spaces between the seconds are still yours.

[sarajuriks]

Everything feels cold. The world has a summer night warmth to it. But my body is freezing. My body, my skin you know only as warm and naked. And you, telling me it's over. This roller coaster of emotions is now nothing more then a stomach ache. You try to make it sound simple. You put us into a box. Lock it. Throw away the key. It is like you are pointing a gun straight at me, and I feel this unknown sense of security. The security of knowing how easy you can leave love. Hold it. Feel it. Look at it from every angle. And then throw it into this all-consuming black. We are both crying, so I tell you that I love you. It's the first time I have said it out loud and I don't expect it to bring you back to me.  You can leave now, knowing you got all I ever had to give.