Sasha-Loriene @sashaloriene - Tumblr Blog

Because You Need To Hear It

As you approach your new journey, lets take a moment to reflect. Over the past 11 months, you’ve gone through many transitions. You’ve been surrounded by warmth. You’ve felt love, joy, and peace. You’ve also felt hate, sadness, and loneliness. In both company and isolation, you are who you are. Accept that. Learn from both and move on. You cannot stay where you are not welcomed, encouraged, or have already been.

I’ve watched you claim what you wanted thus far. Not surprising, they have all come into fruition. You never stumble upon it like luck would suggest, you put yourself in positions to make it happen and there it is. Every time you’ve said ‘everything will work out somehow,’ somehow, it works out 10 times better than imagined. I’ve also watched you become comfortable in your skin. You’ve made intentional decisions to not make others comfortable at the expense of your own discomfort. And for that, you are brilliant. You are powerful. You are unique. But you are human, so by nature, you are also flawed. You are not perfect. Continue to dissect your flaws and vices. Figure out the source and if you want to embrace them and/or circumvent them. Stop sabotaging yourself. Break your own cycle. You decide when and how. Know that in all, you are enough yet still have work to do.

Know that it’s okay to make mistakes. It’s okay to find interest in other things. It’s okay to outgrow environments and relationships. It’s okay to set boundaries and stick to them. It’s okay to hold space for yourself, new energy, and new opportunities. Sometimes, there is no absolute right or wrong, things just are. Be okay with that. You will be the good guy and the bad guy but don’t kill yourself over either. You’re still learning. You/they/we will be fine in the end. Life always takes to a state of balance. You define your own journey, not purpose, and decide how you want to take that trip.

Whatever place you’re in, embrace it. For every high, know that there is a trial or lesson waiting to be conquered because you need it - nothing more, nothing less. That’s the beauty in life. There are no coincidences. It’s only personal to your purpose, not your person. The universe will always conspire for your greatness as long as you align yourself to receive it.

“I am dope, kind, loving, funny, eccentric, delicate, weird, artistic, creative, raw, unique, and understanding.

I am also lost, insecure, scared, angry, apprehensive, skeptical, sensitive, emotional, and spiteful.

Through all this, I am still deserving.”

It’s been almost two years since you left this reminder of your Yin and Yang near your door. It still hangs even though the door is currently different. Look how far you’ve come and continue to go. Think about all the experiences you’ve endured and all the blessings you have received. You truly are amazing. Believe in yourself and keep up the work love.

- SL

She's Gotta Have It: Odyessey Untold's Wrapped Crystal

I love when I find gems via social media! I posted a on my Instagram Story looking for someone who sells crystals in the DMV area one day. A friend referred me to Tralisa of Odyssey Untold. She was having a sale on her spiritual merchandise, including wrapped crystals, bracelets, and chains. Shout out to good timing - sometimes, it just happens. I perused her Facebook page, found the perfect red jasper pendant. For some reason it stood out to me and I immediately put my order in. And just like that, I got exactly what I was looking for.

Ironically, that same friend invited me to a concert a few days later and go figure, Tralisa was there. I got to meet her and can say she’s such a sweetheart! Great vibes to match a great buy – I’m learning that this is very important. So if you’re looking for custom wrapped crystals and holistic healing services, check her out! She has new opportunities and services available too.

In all, I love my red jasper pendant and wear it often. Doesn’t matter the event or attire, it’s on my body or in my purse/jacket. For me, it’s a reminder to be mindful and welcome what I request. I’m living in the present and attracting good energy! :)

Cultivate YourSELF And Then Some

Now more than ever, women are stepping into their full potential and rejecting preconceived limitations. Women are securing leadership positions, permeating through male-dominated industries, and pursuing their own ventures. More conversations surrounding body positivity, mental health awareness, and women empowerment are not only being discussed, but celebrated, as well. Essentially, women (and girls and girls alike) are taking control of their own narratives and placing much emphasis on self-love and mastery. This is so amazing!

When thinking about women who are cultivating their own narrative and using their platform to positively influence our community, Jada Pinkett Smith came to mind. On her new Facebook Watch show, Red Table Talk, Jada Pinkett Smith passionately discusses the importance of emotional awareness with her mother, Adrienne Banfield Norris, and daughter, Willow Smith. One of her most powerful quotes was, “it saddens me how a lot of women are numbing themselves just to survive in a way that they’ve been told they need to be to have happy lives but are miserable.” As societal expectations tend to be unrealistic and overwhelming for most, she encourages other women to establish their sense of self, define their own standards of happiness, and to not lose themselves during life’s pursuit.

I’ve thoroughly enjoyed watching the Red Table Talk and aspire to use my resources and platforms in a similar fashion. Honestly, I would’ve appreciated conversations like these with my own mother and grandmother, of whom I never got the chance to meet, when I was 17/18. I’m not going to lie, I might not have had the maturity or range to have these open conversations but it might have helped me see my mom more as a person instead of just as my mom. It was hard to relate to my mom at times because I am first generation-American and never had any grandmother(s). Who knows, maybe those conversations would have prompted my ‘epiphany’ at 18 as opposed to 25; or maybe they wouldn’t have, as everything happens for a reason within the timing in which it occurs. Either way, I’m grateful that I am here and can do so now.

It’s beautiful to see women refusing to let their past define them or their art and focusing on selfhood. I never imagined we’d be openly discussing ourselves autonomously. This is why I talk about self-care so more. It affects how we navigate the world around us and how we see our purpose/place within it. Self-care has much to do with self-acceptance, as trusting and being comfortable in your own skin is invaluable – loving all parts of yourself, internally and externally. Not only do I aspire to be a powerful woman who dominates in her career, I want to make conscious efforts to not only learn but also empower myself, as well. I aim to define my own narrative and not allow society to dictate how I take ownership of my life and story.

Thoughts are powerful and can manifest through different means. We must figure out who we are, what we like, and speak positivity into our own lives. This is especially important because many of us are or are striving to become modern day Renaissance Women, masters of many. I truly believe by nurturing and mastering ourselves first, we can master anything. You must pour that same amount of passion and drive back into yourself no matter how far you climb. Self care and inner love plus a little bit of luck fuels success.

To Be Present Is To Be Alive

About two months ago, I felt the urge to pack up and go. No reason in particular, I just needed a change of scenery. I wanted a break from my surroundings and I knew it had to happen sooner than later. It was time for a new experience. On June 12th, I randomly thought, "I want to paint on the beach - and not just on any beach, one in or near Los Angeles, CA." I booked my flight, rental car, and Airbnb for LA within the next two days and found myself rushing to the airport to catch my flight (late per usual) less than two weeks later. Thank God for Chase Ultimate Rewards points!

As I sat in the plane the morning of June 26th, wondering 'how did I get here,' I shifted my thinking towards what I wanted to get out of this trip. Would I get sad or dare I say, lonely? Would I wish someone else was here? Would I be able to meet new people? Would I be able to hang out with my friends? Would I be able to enjoy my own company away from home if not? I realized I had no itinerary. So many thoughts ran through my mind. It got so overwhelming that I finally promised myself to live in the moment during this impromptu trip - not to dwell on past or the uncertainty of the future. This trip was so spontaneous, as I had no plans for the week aside from meeting up with three people at some point and potentially painting a mural. So regardless of what happened, I was going to roll with the punches and accept what was in store for me each day at a time. And what would you figure, it worked!

Everyday in LA was sporadic and memorable. I got to spend time with one of my cousins who's been in LA for school. On my first day, we hung out with her friends on the beach for some girl time! We had food, drinks, books, and of course I painted lol. We even saw 3 dolphins playing by the shore, which I heard was rare for that beach. It was awesome meeting her friends. It felt like Sex In The City LA style for the day! Bougie, merry, and black girl magic lol. They definitely reminded me of my girlfriends back at home. All of them were well in touch with their purpose and actively helping their community in one way or another. Her friend Amirah even has an awesome podcast called Living For The Weekend, where she and a fellow black millennial woman living in LA talk candidly about their life experiences as they work to make everyday feel like the weekend. Dope! Seeing fellow black women being their own superheroes (or super-heroines, I should say) and sharing their experiences will always be amazing to me. You have to keep your squad tight, motivated, and encouraged.

My second beach excursion was also amazing. I picked a random beach I found that a blog post described as a "getaway" so I could paint with little to no distractions - just sun, waves, and paint supplies. I wanted to be present and take in the experience and the scenery. A friend decided to join last minute so we headed to Leo Carrillo State Beach in Malibu. As we climbed down the mountain towards the actual beach area, we decided to take pictures of the view and found ourselves in deep conversation about life - the stresses of school/the education system, the importance of mental health and wellness, the complexities of just being a 'responsible' adult, the realization of not fully knowing our next moves, and the ideal career/lifestyle we actually want. You know, the usual hour-long girl talk! Then this woman and her gorgeous dog (a young mostly black German Shepard) walked by. Being the dog lady that I am, I just had to pet her dog but the woman instantly gave me chills for some reason. Although she was nice and friendly, I couldn't figure out what it was about her until she shared her story. We soon found out that on the morning of my 23rd birthday, she was in a horrific accident and flat-lined, but ultimately survived. We all talked for about 15 minutes about how she found purpose in life through this accident - finding people and reassuring them that they are on the right path. She left us with the following words of encouragement: "Yes, to all of your hopes and dreams. Yes, you deserve love and adoration. And yes to whatever you were just discussing. Do it." Needless to say, my friend and I were stunned lol. Isn't it crazy how timely the universe brings people together?! Oddly enough, things like that often happen to me so I was glad to share that moment with a friend. Now I have proof that I'm not crazy haha! So thanks for stopping by and sharing your good vibes Cassandra M. Bauer. You're presence was noted and appreciated. We heard you! Fate had its hand in that moment.

On my last day in LA, I got the opportunity to help paint the first BLACK GIRLS WHO PAINT mural. This was truly one of the highlights of this trip! After I booked the trip, my friend Shak, an awesome LA graffiti artist, proposed doing a BGWP mural in the The Graf Lab (TGL) Space on Washington Boulevard and Normadie Avenue. I was a little apprehensive at first because I haven't painted a mural in years and this would be my first time seriously attempting to spray paint. Painting with a can uses a completely different technique than painting with a brush for sure. But of course, Shak wouldn't have me giving up before I even tried, so he encouraged and ensured me that it would be not only a great mural, but a great experience, as well. So we put some sketches together and the magic happened! I knew it would be dope, but I never saw it going so well. He introduced me to Trauma (a local graffiti artist), Pooh (a local BGWP), and Dominic Jones (a local photographer/cinematographer who captured the experience and work can be found here). Everyone had such great energy. I learned a lot about spray painting. I never pictured myself painting a mural without a paintbrush and there I was, trying new things and loving it! I even got the opportunity to join TGL as one of the first female artists and have been planning, sketching, and practicing ever since. Check out the photos below!

By the end of the trip, I was pleasantly filled. With what? I'm not quite sure, but filled with whatever I came there for and a lot of it. I met up with a cousin, a friend from high school, and an art friend I met back home. I painted on the beach TWICE, met dope creatives, learned how to spray paint, sketched my next tattoo (super excited), and did some crucial self evaluation on areas I need to change and/or grow. I also affirmed a few things about myself. I realized that to be present is to be alive. I had so many smiles on my face every day! Being around other creatives tend to unlock something in you and open you to new perspectives. As much as I was surrounded by awesome vibes, I spent more than half the time by myself - sketching, writing, planning, and exploring. Those moments were also perfect. Not one moment did I feel alone even though I was by myself. Even though I enjoyed my own company, I was never truly alone because of the company I chose to keep, whether new or old, near or far. I never felt sad, down, or out-of-place. I stepped out of my comfort zone and accepted things as they came. In a way, I made a new environment my home, at least for the time being, and it felt good - so good that I forgot to take photos most of the time haha! Time flies when you're having fun right?! Check out a few pics below!

So yeah, I can't lie, my trip to LA was nothing short of amazing! Living in the now is pretty sweet too. Cheers to being alive cultivating your own vibes!

Quitting Your Job Will Make You Happier, Not Happy

We're in the age of the "feel good" - a plethora of feel good food, books, guidelines, etc. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that, hell even this is somewhat of a reflective yet prescriptive post. I'm just saying everyone is different. People are motivated by different factors such as money, passion, survival, etc. During the last few years, even throughout my journey, I've discovered what motivates me. And that has complicated many of my relationships with jobs, in particular. I've seen quite a few desks, cubicles, and ID badges in my professional career thus far. However, I've always transferred from one job to another for a better opportunity. I've never technically "quit" a job, until now.

My most recent job seemed to be perfect. I finally found a place to settle in and grow into my career after hopping from job to job post-graduation. I figured I could chill there for three years while building my resume until I maxed out of my promotions, then go somewhere else, collect my checks and life my "best life." Yep, that was the plan. Ideal right? It worked for about six months. I started getting that 'why am I here' feeling again. Tragic. As my luck would have it, multiple factors complicated my job and at about eleven months in, that 'why am I here' feeling swiftly turned into that 'I hate this shit' feeling. It made waking up and going to work extremely difficult and I only had to go in the office three times a week. Sometimes I would wake up, take my shower, get dressed, then call out sick because I heart and head felt heavy as bricks, if that makes sense. Most mornings, I had to drink to get me out the door without crying. I did enough to fly under the radar without major red flags but not enough to care about the quality or timeliness of work. I was a ticking time bomb.

I ultimately woke up one day and decided that I had to quit - I couldn't live like this. I was 26 and overwhelmed. My depression and anxiety were running wild. I didn't know when or what I would do afterwards, but I knew I couldn't stay there. At this time, I was seeing a therapist and she agreed/pledged to help me work through an exit strategy that worked for me. Since my lease was ending in a couple months, I asked my mom if I could move back home because I was quitting my job with or without their support. I had to make it clear to her and myself that even if I couldn't move back home and had to find another apartment, I was still leaving that job! Luckily for me, my parents always had a room at their house waiting for me and never wanted to feel like I couldn't live there. That's privilege, I can admit. In fact, my parents, best friends, and boyfriend at the time were on board with me leaving my job (eventually), it was just a matter of how, when, and the follow-up. I really could never thank all of them enough! So I moved into my parents house and less than two months later, on March 9th, 2018, I quit my job - much sooner than my anyone expected lol. I left on a positive note with my boss' and coworkers-turned-friends' support, as well. It was honestly the best day/night ever!

So, fast forward to now, did quitting my job make me happy? Eh. Initially, I was on cloud 9 for the first few weeks because I was finally free. At the moment, I wouldn't consider myself happy, but I definitely wouldn't consider myself sad either. I'm at a weird stage in my life that I'm finally comfortable with sharing with others - the "figuring things out" stage. I'm freelancing, pursing my creative projects, writing more on and offline, and completely transitioning my career. I'm more intentional with how I look and handle the kind of work that I want to do. I'm taking a step back, letting things happen organically, and finding myself so I won't need to quit another job OR let my job affect my mental health. I have a clean slate, a fresh perspective, and a hell of a weight lifted off my shoulders. Whew! And in that, I can say quitting my job made my happier than what I was before. Quitting my job empowered me to take risks on myself, change my situation on my own accord, and let go of things that served no purpose in my life. I found out that money doesn't motivate me. I need purpose in the work that I do. Money might get me to a job but it will never be the reason that I stay(ed) at a job. I realized that both my time talents/skills are valuable and must be utilized. I stopped neglecting certain parts of myself just to stay afloat or within the scope of my resume. I chose me and, ironically, that was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I feel close to invincible now!

I realized that throughout my life, I had been molded for a particular job(s) and lifestyle that catered to other people's expectations of me and guaranteed financial benefits as a byproduct. Within this path, I would always be financially smart, safe, and stable but it would never be what I truly wanted. In fact, I never figured out what I wanted for a career that would make ME happy without considering the approval and validation from others. Of course that's no fault to anyone. Honestly, who wouldn't want their child/sister/friend to be set in life? A part of being an adult is defining your own expectations for who you are, what you want to be, and how you want to leave your mark. Well, that's what I've heard lol. But it makes sense! You have to live in your own truth and purpose.

Now at 27, I'm taking control of my life. Some say I shouldn't have quit my job until I found another one, make my job work for me, only leave after I've saved x amount of money, etc. I've read books, listened to podcasts, and even took a class on it. For me, there was a defining moment that I had to leave because I knew if I didn't, I would've never left. It's that simple. Plus I had other resources that I could fall back on. Don't listen to what anyone or thing other than your intuition. If you're not happy before you quit your job, you won't be happy afterwards. Period. Happiness is a state of being not a response to a person, place, or thing. It's a constant journey in living with intentionality regardless of your circumstance. So do what works for you, your skills, your health, and circumstance. Figure out what motivates you. You can plan all you want but 9/10, it's not going to end up exactly how you thought. Maybe I'm just altruistic, but I believe we're all strong beings fully capable of overcoming adversity. You're going to have highs and lows. But most importantly, you're going to be alright. You kinda have no choice but to come through in the end. Use your resources, have discipline, and trust the process. I know, I'm tired of hearing the latter too haha. Some days it's hard for me to do any of the three, but tomorrow comes with subtle hints that make life more manageable and lets me know I'm on the right track. So I'm good. I'm making it work and still here. No regrets! :)

Weight For It

One of the things I’ve shied away from, both in real time and on my blog, is my weight. Although I’ve had body-image issues since high school, it became more of a problem during my mid/late 20s. In fact, it’s been a struggle for the past 3 years or so. At 24, I was 5’6 in and a solid 145 lbs and I thought I could lose 5 lbs (ha!). Fast-forward December 2017, at age 27, I finally hit 171 lbs. I never felt as insecure with my body and appearance in my whole life. During this time, I was going through a few life changes that intensified my stress levels and weight gain. So my boyfriend and I made a weight goal pack – for him, gain 15 lbs and for me, lose 15 lbs. By January 2018, I was miraculously 167 lbs. I remember not being able to look in the mirror but stepping on the scale several times a day hoping I lost half a pound. It became a weird mind game because other aspects of my live were on the cusp of improvement, except this weight!

Fast forward to April 24, 2018, I hit 155.2 lbs and finally reached my goal! How did I do it? No crash diet this time or exercising (surprisingly). I started drinking more water, cut out most juices/sodas, consumed smaller proportions, and ate out much less. I realized how much of a sin gluttony is. I was overeating my stress away and anxious all the time. So I started eating until I felt satisfied NOT full. The ‘itis’ became less of an occurrence (I used to feel tired immediately after a meal). I incorporated fruits and greens to replace fast food and dining out. Once I got rid of distractions, the pounds sort of melted off. However, even though I was more active, I didn’t exercise much and continued to drink the same amount of alcohol (most times without chasers to cut back on the sugar – the irony lol).

I gave away a lot of clothes that were too small but refused to buy larger clothes to accommodate my weight gain. I comfortably fit maybe ¼ of my clothes. In a way, this was negative reinforcement but it did make me uncomfortable enough to make lifestyle changes (and it was a very cold winter so I didn’t out much anyways lol). Now, I can finally fit most of the clothes again! Go me! There were a few pieces I kept as my weight loss goal clothes - 2 pants and two small dresses. I can fit the pants and almost fit the dresses comfrtably! I When I look in the mirror now, I can see how my body has changed and I love it! I look better, but more importantly, I feel better both internally and externally. And now that I’ve reached my weight goal, I want to lose more – 5 to 8 lbs. I made a lifestyle change that I want to continue. I want to incorporate exercising/toning and drinking less alcohol into my routine. I feel like 155 lbs is now my regular weight and 148/150 lbs would be my toned/lean weight. So the weight loss journey continues!

In all, just know this is a snippet into my truth. I’m not saying that you don’t need to exercise or drink less to lose weight. You should in order to live a healthier life, period. What I am saying is that I stopped overeating (eating 2 eggs instead of 3, eating half of a sandwich instead of the full sandwich, etc.) and eating unhealthy food (choosing grapes instead of take-out as a snack, actually COOKING, etc.) as a result of what I was going through and bad/lazy habits. Sometimes it’s the environment and headspace that you’re in (I’ll speak more on this in a later post) that can exacerbate certain aspects of your life – mine manifested in my weight and perspective. During my journey of being a healthier me, I had to make and am still making changes! My physical growth is catching up to my mental growth. Watch out now! :)

#weight loss #eating better #eating less

New Buys: Candles

As I was painting one day, I realized that I didn't have any candles. I love candles and incense so this was odd for me. Maybe that's why I've been on edge recently (lol). So instead of going to my regular chain store, I remembered a promise I made to support more women this year - this also means patronizing women-owned businesses. I started researching local handmade candle business. Thanks to the intrusion of social media via cookies, about 15 minutes late, I saw an add for Posh Candle Co. as I was scrolling through Instagram. We're always being watched! But this time, I'm grateful haha. I moseyed along to the shop and found a 100% soy based Eucalyptus and Lavender scented candle named "Good Vibes," which was exactly the ambiance I was going for AND matched my Lavender Sage and Amethyst stone. Perfect! Look how the universe works lol. And it even came with a three piece crystal set (White Quartz, Rose Quartz and Snowflake Obsidian), a White Sage Smudge and a Palo Santo stick! I'm proud to say that everything is as expected and my little bedside shrine is complete (more complete lol). I couldn't find much about the owner, other than her is Tay, but thanks so much Tay! She's awesome!

I wonder what my next buy will be? :)

Solo But Not So Strange

A few weeks ago, I decided to try something new and different. I felt a need to just get out. I had been cooped up in my tiny apartment long enough and needed some excitement. One thing that I noticed was that I'm constantly running into the remnants of my two dead plants in my apartment. Yes I love flowers, but love them even more when they’re withered. They don’t really feel or look dead to me – they’re still beautiful, just in a different way. Weird, I know. Symbolically, it was time to get a new plant, but it was more so stepping out and purchasing one. Little did I know that that time would soon come!

I randomly logged onto Living Social and started scrolling through the activities list. I thought, "I'm going to do something!" Nothing caught my eye until I saw an ad for Plant Nite. How timely and strangely ironic! I never heard of Plant Nite before but I saw green, wine, and an amethyst stone in the mix so I was sold. Without thinking, I purchased my voucher and was super excited! I hit up a few friends who I thought would be interested but somehow, our schedules refused to align. Do I wait until I can find another partner or just go by myself? More specifically, do I drag someone else who wouldn’t normally go/be interested or go by myself and risk being awkward and/or invisible and potentially hating the entire experience? To be honest, the thought of both weren’t very appealing and have ended badly more times than not.

I went back and forth with myself about it for… a day haha! Then I decided that I’m not waiting on anybody else to do something that I want to do! I am all I need and will not miss out on this opportunity. I may be socially awkward, but I’ve been itching to do more solo excursions over the past several months anyways. It’s so awesome doing things with friends, but I also need to be able to enjoy my own company and meet new people; after all, I am looking for my home.

So I booked it the following Thursday night without following up with anybody and went by myself! I parked, took three deep breaths and walked in AWKWARD AS ALL HELL, haha. I immediately made my way to the bar after signing in to scope out the environment. The Plant Nite host stopped me in my tracks to let me know that I could order at the tables and to grab a seat. Mission foiled. Naturally, I looked around and went towards the seat where no one else was sitting. Everyone seemed to be enjoying the company of their friends and not too aware of anything else. So I picked my seat and smiled nervously at whomever I made eye contact with. Lucky for me, another woman came by herself and welcomed me to sit by her. She was a delight, very friendly. Soon I felt super comfortable in my awkwardness and started having fun talking to everyone at the table, which ended up filling up shortly after.

Plant Nite was so much fun! The best decision I’ve made in a while - stepping out of comfort zone in a new environment by myself. It's also cool to know that succulent plants are thicker and retain water more than regular plants. They only need water about once a week, require minimal light, and can last for multiple years! So it should take a bit of time before I see its withered leaves. Not sure if that means anything specific to me or not but the whole experience was super dope! The only downer was that it ended at about 8:15 PM and I didn’t want to go back to my empty apartment. I just had created such a dope assortment of stones in my succulent terrarium and wanted to continue my high. I asked a few friends who lived in the area if they wanted to go to one of the nearby bars. They were all busy. So now, do I go home or go to the bar by myself?

On to destination #2 of course! I walked two blocks to a bar I frequent in hopes of continuing stride of patronizing new places by myself and meeting new people. I looked around and soon realized it was still pretty early and empty. I had no intention of staying out too late since I had to go to work the next day. After about 20 minutes of walking around not trying to stick out like a sore thumb, I said, "fuck it," took my seat to at bar and ordered a drink! I made it this far so I might as well live in the moment. For some reason, even though I didn’t talk to anybody other than the bartenders, I was oddly happy. I felt creative and full. So many Ideas were coming from every direction for new paintings, posts, and projects! My notes section in my phone tried to keep up lol.

In those moments, I realized what lesson I needed to learn that night. I enjoyed my own company and thoughts. I was enough. My presence was enough. I didn't need anybody else to be happy and in the moment. That’s all I was really looking for that night. I didn’t even realize that more people had come until I left for home about an hour and a half later. I was in my own world paying attention to no one but my thoughts. Although I was solo, I wasn’t so strange (at least in my opinion haha). I didn’t feel sad or out of place. That night, I really liked myself – my awkwardness, my new plants, my filled notes section, and my quirky encounters. I was proud of myself for stepping out of my comfort zone and doing something for myself on my own time.

I gained something better than meeting a guy or new friends. I saw my own growth. Honestly, this time last year, I probably would’ve have left or cried in the bathroom. My social anxiety was, and sometimes still is, just that bad. It has stopped me from many opportunities in the past. For years I tried to be “less strange” and even stopped going out and doing new things unless I had a friend with me to make me more confident and sure. I created my security blanket and comfortable wore it like a cloak of honor. I’ve been trying to break out of that codependency and fear to be more self-assured in my skin.

It took me a long time to accept that I will always be awkward/strange to some degree and that there is absolutely nothing’s wrong with that lol. That night was confirmation that I’m focusing less on how others perceive me and more about how I feel/show up in the moment and groove in my own vibes. My tribe will stumble into my life soon enough, but it starts with me and what I give off.

So will I continue to go to bars by myself? No, probably not too often, haha. But will I continue to step out of my comfort zone and embrace myself? Hell yeah, as much as possible!

Copy of Mercury Retrograde, Friend or Foe

When people think about Mercury Retrograde, shivers soon follow. During this time, Mercury appears to reverse through the sky during its orbit around the sky. Supposedly, this is also the time where miscommunication, bad luck, and just overall turmoil arise. Many even say that you’re not supposed to start new endeavors but focus on reexamination instead, similar to how Mercury appears to retrace it’s path. I’ve never paid attention to the alignment of planets and how they affect my life since I’ve always had an unbalance of good and bad luck, with an emphasis on the latter.

So this time around, I thought I’d keep my eyes and mind opened, since the retrograde was approaching on August 12th – September 5th, 2017. Maybe there is some truth to this Mercury Retrograde business, maybe there’s nothing more than superstition. After all, I had several new projects I wanted to start and a trip planned for Orlando and Miami, FL at the end of August. If there’s any truth to Mercury Retrograde, this would be the perfect time to soon find out.

And that, I did. Some major events that occurred during this time period included:

I found out I wouldn’t be converted to a permanent position at my job (what everyone strives for), instead my current program would be extended to retain my employment

I found out I might not get my upcoming promotion as planned/promised

I fell in love with Orlando, as an entire city, and Universal Studios was so much fun

I missed my train from Orlando to Miami due to unforeseen circumstances with our LYFT driver

It rained most of the time in Miami (more than the usual sporadic rain showers)

I got my period in Miami so I felt bloated and had cramps most of the time in Miami

I found out I was accepted into an Executive Program in Arts & Culture Strategy certificate program

I found out that I got the interview for an Art Gallery internship that I wanted badly

I created the BLACK GIRLS WHO PAINT Project

Nevertheless, yeah, much happened during Mercury Retrograde. 5/9 events listed were “bad.” But also, much has been happening in the last few months. It wasn’t as messy as I thought this period would be though. I feel like more meaningful good things happened than bad. Yes my job came into question. Yes my promotion may not come on time. Yes I missed my train to Orlando and had to scramble to find another train due to a language barrier and our driver taking us to the wrong address. Yes it poured in Miami, about 75% of our trip. And yes my period has consistently horrible timing in Miami.

But I gained and learned so much more about myself. I learned that there really is no such thing as full job security, wherever you go. I learned that it’s okay to be myself and have my own preferences and interests, even if that means going against the grain. I learned that what you pray for and manifest, you eventually receive. I learned that not only do I like trying new things, I’m not afraid to try new things by myself. I learned that I absolutely hate the club and I’m never going back again (lol). I learned that I can put myself out there, place more emphasis on my art endeavors, and receive positive feedback.

So, do I believe in Mercury Retrograde? NO, not really. Shit happens and shit will always happen. But it’s more so about your perception and how you handle adversity. For example, when I got the emergency call that my job and my promotion were in jeopardy because of factors beyond my control, I wasn’t as angry as you’d expect. In fact, I was more upset that this call took place on a Friday when I was already off the clock if anything (lol). It was a shock and 5 days prior to my Orlando/Miami trip, but I had the power to take this news however I chose. I could let it ruin my day, weekend, and trip but only if I wanted to. So you know what I did? I drank my wine and continued painting! I’m so sure of my purpose and that it's not rooted in the here (my current state), that somehow I knew that I’d be okay or I’d address it later when it became not okay. I’ve been asking for a sign, so that’s exactly how I took it. And in all honesty, the past month has been great to me - a series of signs, growth, and positive affirmations!

If there is more to Mercury Retrograde, maybe we should welcome it and/or change how we process things that we can and cannot control. It’s easy to focus on the negatives when you’re not opening yourself to the positives. Change your perspective. You may find out that your “bad luck” isn’t really bad luck, but instead, an opportunity to see or find the hidden good in your situation. Much, if not all, of my bad luck has actually been good luck in disguise. The glass has always been half full.

Mercury Retrograde, Friend or Foe