Taking, that was the feeling. Taking and taking and not giving back. You can’t get it back, no nothing you do will take it back. It’s like passion is traded in coins and once you’ve given over all the coins you have they’re gone forever.
It’s as if you’re in Vegas, you walk into a casino and instantly they give you a bunch of coins to play with. So you stay and even though you’re not winning you’re having so much fun meeting new people and talking to people, but then as you start to see the bottom you straighten up. Yeah you’ve won before, maybe you can do it again, regain some coins. So you are cautious with your coins and maybe you do win a few back but it’s not enough. So you stop playing yet your coins are still going just as a fee to stay in the casino. You panic trying to keep up the front that you still have lots of coins but you don’t and eventually you’re broke.
That’s what it feels like to lose a hyperfixation. I’ve lost all my coins.
I want to apologize to everyone. All of my Cobra Kai fans, all my dsmp fans. Anyone who’s ever read any of my works and enjoyed them so much and then we’re left high and dry. You all deserve an explanation and this is my best attempt at that.
I’ve gone through several fandoms on this account. I started at K-pop specifically BTS, then moved to TXT and Ateez, then I hopped to the dsmp and now I’m at Cobra Kai.
I know that a lot of people really love my writing, and I love it too but it’s gone. I’ve lost all my coins and I simply don’t know what to do. I can’t write, I’ve tried lord knows the docs in my Google drive but I don’t have any more coins to give. My well is dry.
I’m not giving up, not by a long shot but for now I want you all to know that I’m out. I don’t know what else to say. I could apologize over and over, until the word I’m sorry doesn’t mean anything, but I know no one wants to hear that so instead I’ll saw a few more words and then get out of your hair.
First I want to thank everyone who supported me, I cannot express how much all of you have done for me in the passed years. From all the way back I want to specifically thank Mel for being an awesome support and an amazing friend, I really hope you’re still doing well and I hope that one day we’ll get to talk like we used too and catch up.
I want to also thank Ice and Xiao who were also awesome friends and who always made me smile when I saw them comment on my posts. I know we never talked in the dm’s but both of you are awesome and I am so glad I got to meet you both. Ice specifically don’t stop streaming you’re super funny and really awesome! To my two newest friends I want to address you both individually.
First LFG thank you so much for everything you did for me. You relentlessly edited my fics on a whim when I felt like writing and I don’t think I can properly express how much that means to me. I know we fell out of contact but I have to say you’re an amazing writer and I’m so happy that you found your own spark no matter how much it feels like you stole mine (this is a joke but I think it’s genuinely funny how when I stopped getting inspiration you got yours). In any matter I hope you continue writing and I hope you keep being an awesome person and I’m sorry I stopped reaching out and responding.
To my dear friend Shoto, I gotta say buddy we make quite the team. You never fail to get the cogs turning in my head and never fail to check on me when I’m breaking down. I’m so happy I found such an amazing friend like you. Thank you sincerely for being you, and thank you for always being my biggest fan and supporter. A bit of a secret that I’ll confess is most of the fics after the first 2 chapters of understanding were written specifically because of your influence and it makes me so happy to know you enjoy my writing so much. I am so sorry to disappoint you with this news but I’m not sure how to continue writing.
To everyone one else, to all of my readers and all of the people who have liked or even read a fic I wrote, from my very first wattpad story to my last ao3 fic, thank you. All of the votes and kudos, all of the views and hits going up each day pushed me forward for years. Even before I posted the fics I couldn’t imagine the amount of love I’d receive. I’m no Dante or Shakespeare, not by a long shot and yet you all have taken time out of your lives to read my shitty ramblings. Just know that each and every one of you are so very special to me, and that I care and love all of you. It sounds dramatic but it’s true, without you all I wouldn’t be where I am today and my style (as primitive as it may be) has developed because of all of your support and care.
From the bottom of my heart I’m so sorry to have disappeared and now that I’ve come back it’s not with a fic but with this, you all deserve so much better and I’m so sorry that I’m not strong enough.
Maybe one day I’ll come back and finish Understanding or Shutting Up or even The Death of Robby Keene, but for now I'm signing off. It could be for a few months, it could be for a few years, heck maybe I’ll be back tomorrow with some more bullshit but right now I need a break. I haven’t read any fanfiction in a long time so I'm going to try that again. My friend has been trying to get me into the Marauders so I guess I’ll try that for a while, I'm not sure but whenever I come back it’ll definitely be in a better place.
I didn’t start this off as a last goodbye post but it seems that’s what this has become, so I guess it’s only right that I sign off the old fashioned way by saying that I’ll see you all in the next level.