So ... yeah ... I've been gone from here for a while now. A stream of hard and downright awful stuff landed on me without much warning and I shut down a little ...
There's actually too much to try and cover, I'd be here for days writing a novel length post about it all. But the big two highlights ...
First ... I no longer have a brother - no one died, but the person I used to call my brother revealed last month that they are huge transphobe ... like big time! According to him I'm not a woman, never will be, I can't be aunt to his kids, and apparently it's me being the problem and according to him, I'm the bigoted one for not just being able to 'agree to disagree' about it all ... and that I'm not letting him believe what he believes (how dare I, ugh!) at no point when I tried my best to recover things and work them out with him did he apologise for the disgusting and offensive things he said to me. So it's done, I don't have a brother anymore, it was hard and it hurt, I wish he had just been honest 1.5 years ago when I came out, but he let me believe he 'just needed time' but no time can fix that type of hate. (He also told me I can't be a mother cause I can't have kids and would have to adopt ... which is a whole other level of f'd up.)
So I have to refocus and re-calibrate what my life is now and who my family is (thank goodness for chosen family) I still live at home with mum, but I need to move soon, I think all this stuff with her other child will eventually cause issues, so I want to move ... and I know where I want to move.
Guess who has developed a new crush after finally getting over the girl that broke my heart without knowing she did, and guess who has fallen for another girl that it will probably never work out with?
So ... maybe stupidly, I've developed a pretty major crush (read: pretty much thinking about how life might go together) on someone ... I'm meeting them in person in November and I'm equal parts freaked out and stressing & thrilled and excited. I'm not saying anything to them until the lunch/after it, I want to make sure we click in person and it's not just me falling for any pretty girl who is friendly too me. (We have had some really in depth chats already, but she has a chronic illness so sometimes goes days without having the energy to message, and I think our first chat that went for like 3+ hour with massive messages really took it out of her, oops! )
Now ... cause it's me, of course there's two substantial complications ...
First, is there's a substantial age gap (nothing creepy) but it does need to be taken into consideration for sure, I believe she's more mature than me anyway haha, and developmentally I'm about 10 years younger than physically, and two adults in a healthy relationship (which I hope is where it goes) age doesn't matter ...
Second (and this one might be weirder) I'm really close online friends with her mum ... (yeah I get that's a bit weird) we're part of the same fb group, and she's been a massive support to me over the last month or so (dealing with family stuff and what not) but a while back on the group she shared an IG post of her daughters, and I thought it was cool and followed, thought nothing of it for a while, then one day was doing a little profile stalk, and realised 'this girl is super cool' and then we started chatting a bit, and boom ... crush land. All the while I talk to her mum all the time (they both know I talk to the other! and actually the mum once said in a group chat 'Savy, (daughter's name) is more excited to meet you than see family when we visit Sydney in November) ... you can only imagine how I reacted ...
But I'm trying to stay calm, and understand maybe it's one sided and if so, that's okay! I would rather keep these two amazing lovely people as friends than risk ruining things with both ... I do have a very slight suspicion the mum knows I like her daughter, and I think is okay with it ... but can't know for sure (heck, she may have been trying to set us up! haha)
I guess you'll know how it goes based on a future post (or to be honest, go to my Vocal page and read my poetry ... it's the easiest way to know what's going on haha!
OMG - UPDATE (Before I even posted this!) Okay so today I was talking with my bestie about my crush, and showing her a bit of our chats (basically checking if something I said was 'flirty' or not) ... and she convinced me to be brave and bold ... and message something that made it VERY clear that I like her!
No response as of time of writing - but she has read the message! I'm freaking out big time!
I'm just really hoping I haven't messed everything up and risked the friendship that was building or the friendship with the mum! I don't want to lose that friendship, but was feeling I needed to do something before meeting so that the meeting will be easier to deal with, one way or another ... so I guess we'll see if I've just done something super stupid or not.
Now the thing I don't know how to explain, but I'll try to be quick as I've already talked about those other things at length.
So I am a published author ... it was a life long dream and last year it finally happened, my first novel was published - only now, for the time being at least, my novel is not available anywhere. Because my publisher has gone into liquidation, won't go into the nitty gritty, but basically the short version is that the person who ran the company was super dodgy and not paying authors correct royalties, skimming money, not paying staff (the staff were and are amazing) and made a whole second business to 'advertise the books' but made it appear to be an entirely separate business. It all came out, there was backlash, and news articles, and now they've gone into liquidation, so can't be selling books.
I'm in the process of claiming back the versions of my book so I own the specific edition, cover, layout, etc. and then need to arrange a new edition with the branding of the publisher removed, so need a new ISBN and things before I can republish under my own imprint. It's been a crappy time, and hard to deal with, and tainted the dream, but I'm getting back on my feet and moving on - one day at a time!
