this is probably a safe-ish place to write this but basically i have no money. my girlfriend just got laid off for absolutely no reason and i'm terrified she will be evicted. i've been on the verge of suicide, suffering from PTSD and other somatic conditions like muscle spasms. also hallucinations and psychosis. i've been suffering for a long time now and i'm on the verge of ODing.
my name is maria, also known as angel, i've been poor and sick for my entire life. wakefulness feels like a violation. i wish for death, for and end to my suffering. my home country keeps going down the drain, neither my father nor my mother have financial security. everything is so expensive.
i've been drugged on anti-depressants, benzos, and anti-psychotics for a year now. i've gained a lot of weight and suffered from hormonal imbalances and other things.
i cannot sleep. my sleep is a combination of sleep-paralysis with hallucinations, i live for months in dreams every night then wake up, robbed of everything, not rested, not healthy, still tired.
i cannot afford clothes, i cannot afford food, i cannot get a job because EVERY disability aid in my country has been severed by our libertarian fascist government. i black out, i go into verbal shutdown, i scream and i tremble like an animal. my arms and legs are covered in gashes, because the only thing that brings me pleasure is my dull swiss army knife.
and my girlfriend.
her name is eva.
but i don't think we will ever have a future together.
if any random stranger, anyone, wants to send me money, please do.
i am working on a game called MOONLIGHT, a haunting trek through a horrible story that contends with the cyclical nature of videogame narratives. it has a hero with no heart. it has a villain with no maliciousness. a husk and a manticore, stuck in a death dance, forever.
my name is angel.
and i'm at my wit's end.
