20 Life Lessons I Wish I Knew in My 20s
I’ve learned a few things that I would have loved to know then. (Photo: Trunk Archive/Chris Craymer)
Oh, to be a 20-something again, staying out until 4 a.m. and still looking amazing the next day, dating up a storm, having a prebaby body, no mortgage, and endless possibilities. But when I really look back on those years, behind all that fun and promise, there was a ton of angst — so much uncertainty about how my life would unfold. Would I ever make it as a writer? Would I ever have a relationship that lasted more than a few months? As the only 40-something at Yahoo Beauty, I’m surrounded by 20-somethings and constantly reminded of that time. While I will never figure it all out, more than a decade later I’ve learned a few things that I would have loved to know then.
The smartest people aren’t necessarily the most successful. When you are in college, it’s easy to think that the people who will be most successful are the ones scoring straight A’s. But the truth is, career success doesn’t correlate with who aced the most exams or went to the best schools. Social skills, creativity, the power to generate new ideas are all factors. Some of the biggest names in business — Larry Ellison, Steve Jobs, and Richard Branson — didn’t even graduate college. I’m not recommending ditching school, but they are examples that the drive to succeed might be a bigger success factor than grades.
Love at first sight is a potentially bad idea. My parents fell in love at first sight. My dad proposed two weeks later, and they were married in six months. It’s no surprise that I thought this was how you found your soulmate. When I was dating, I would fall head over heels immediately and, not surprisingly, find out later that the guys were beyond wrong for me. My husband, however, was one of my best friends first. It’s different for everyone, but knowing what you’re getting into before you start dating is usually a good call. This is especially true in the age of online dating, where people think they know someone from a profile when it’s really just another form of advertising. And we all know about truth in advertising.
What’s wrong with your partner may be more important than what’s right. When you’re in dating mode, romance is a priority, and real-life challenges like finances and colicky babies aren’t in the picture yet. However, no matter how long the list is of reasons you love your partner, you have to take a hard look at the not-so-great things. The issues that person has now will most likely be issues forever. Take a long look. That guy who is so fun at a party might have a drinking problem. The person who is ready to hop on a plane at a moment’s notice, might be irresponsible with money. And the partner who hasn’t been able to stay faithful to anyone else will probably stray at some point. So make sure you can live with your partner’s faults — you likely aren’t going to change anything.
Don’t ditch your career, your girlfriends, or your passions for your partner. I’ve watched many friends quit jobs they loved, move out of places they adored, and abandon great friends all in the name of love. But it is a move that often backfires, creating serious resentments. Of course, compromise is part of the deal when you’re in a relationship, but try to stay true to who you are in whatever choices you make.
Sometimes rejection turns out to be a good thing. There were too many times I was devastated over a breakup in my 20s. Looking back now, I think two things: One, those guys could not have been more awful matches for me. Two, I wish I hadn’t wasted one hour, much less days or weeks, sobbing about the wrong guy. Much easier to say in retrospect but true nonetheless.
Throw away your scale. Weight goes up and down. Obsessing about the number and your body’s natural fluctuations will only make you crazy. Obviously, eat well, exercise and check in with your doctor, but toss the scale — you don’t need it.
Learn to love your “flaws.” Or fix them. This is one of the hardest things to do, but nothing is sadder than seeing people obsessing about the same supposed flaw for years. You have a choice. The first option is to learn to love it, knowing it makes you different in the best way possible. Imagine if Lauren Hutton fixed her teeth, Lea Michele changed her nose, Cindy Crawford removed her mole, or Ashley Graham lost weight — they wouldn’t look better, just different (and possibly not as beautiful). If the issue is still driving you crazy, then fix it. Ultimately, you have to stop wasting time thinking something about yourself isn’t good enough.
Don’t get plastic surgery because of a beauty fad. It’s the era of the booty, which is a wonderful thing. Curvy bodies are gorgeous and should be celebrated. What’s not cool? Women who are undergoing risky and expensive butt implant surgery to get the look. In the ’90s it was all about fake boobs; now it seems the fad is butts. But what happens when the look of the moment is the opposite of what you paid money for? Better to learn to love your body — that’s something that never goes out of style.
Avoid makeup trends. The ’90s were full of beauty trends — heavy smoky eyes and beige lips, matte brown lipstick, heavy foundation in stick and matte form — all of which I looked terrible in. Today there’s a new beauty fad every minute. Overdrawn lips and contouring are two that will definitely look dated in a few years. Skip the trends and go with makeup that makes you look great and feel confident; it’s a philosophy that my boss Bobbi Brown has been preaching for 25 years. And it’s so true.
The best beauty products can be found in the drugstore. Every year, there is some pricey cream that promises to give you perfect skin. But if there is one thing I’ve learned during my stint as a beauty writer, some of best skin care can be found in the drugstore. Case in point, I road-tested eye creams for Yahoo Beauty, and my favorite was a $20 version from Neutrogena. With French beauty brands like Avene and La Roche-Posay sold at the drugstore, and great organic brands like Weleda and Acure sold at Target, you can find amazing products without breaking the bank.
Don’t get stuck in a style rut. Convinced you can rock only long hair? Certain that red lipstick would never look good on you? You won’t know until you try something else. I recently saw an older woman wearing a headband and a bob that clearly hadn’t budged since 1982. Life is long, so don’t be so rigid and stick to only one style. Worst-case scenario: You wash it off or grow it out.
Tanning is only a good idea in the moment. I recently saw a group photo of friends from college, and I couldn’t believe how tan we all were. Granted, it was the ’90s and we had grown up thinking a rating of SPF 4 was sunscreen. Even though I pretty much stopped tanning in my early 20s because I had sensitive skin, the damage showed up — early wrinkles, a two-inch-long scar on my back due to an atypical mole removal, and sun spots. Not pretty. While you can turn to lasers and peels later in life to try to save your skin, the women who look the youngest in their 40s on up are the ones who didn’t tan. Best advice: Buy some bronzer — or, even better, love your natural skin tone.
Be nice to everyone you work with (or it will haunt you later). When I ended up with a case of chicken pox at 24, enduring 104-degree fevers, painful pox, and hallucinations, the editor I worked for cruelly tried to hire the temp who was filling in to be her assistant instead (the temp was much better at filing). Thankfully her boss made sure my job was safe. She later went into PR, and I went freelance and she would call very sweetly asking me to write about her clients. Of course I did, but it was a lesson that the tables often turn in business. So whether you are in a position of power or working as an assistant, be nice to the people you work with. Not just because it might affect your career, but because it’s good karma.
Get financial advice. Money is stressful, and the worry that you won’t have enough can be completely overwhelming. Student loans paired with the cost of living in major cities can seem like you will never get it together. Having some advice on a 401(k), savings, and how to pay down debt is priceless, and there are many financial services companies aiming to help young people get a handle on it all, like LearnVest and Betterment. Get started.
Act confident even if you aren’t. I knew I wanted to be a writer since forever. But when I started out, there was part of me that was convinced I wasn’t good enough, which is really laughable considering I started out as a design writer. Not to knock design writing, which requires a serious knowledge of adjectives and creativity, but my point is I wasn’t aiming to follow in Tolstoy’s footsteps. My voice used to crack and my face would turn red when I pitched to editors. But I quickly realized that if I was going to make it as a freelancer, I had to project the vibe that I could write anything, or else I wasn’t going to get any assignments. “Of course, I can do that,” became almost my mantra. Eventually, I started to believe my own hype because I delivered. The more confident you are, and the more you live up to your promises, the more opportunities the higher-ups will give you.
Ditch the bad friends. That friend who is always mad at you? Move on. There are certain people who look for reasons to cause drama, and no matter how amazing you are, you won’t be able to win. Your real friends will love you, even when you mess up. Stick with them.
Everyone is a little crazy. It’s funny how the people who seemed so together in my 20s turned out to be the ones hiding some pretty big problems. From the outside, it’s amazing the filtered image people can project. Especially with social media, crafting the picture-perfect life has never been easier. The sooner you stop trying to live up to some filtered ideal the better. Plus, when you realize everyone is a little crazy, you won’t feel the need to try to be perfect.
You will make the wrong choices. There is so much pressure to always do the right thing. But despite making rational, well-thought-out, informed decisions, you will make many many wrong ones. They could be big, you could marry the wrong person, you could move to the wrong place, you could say the wrong thing ... the list goes on. The key is how you handle it. How you handle the obstacles and the mistakes will make you grow, possibly way more than any of your achievements.
You will never have it all figured out. I used to think there was some moment when everything in your life would click. Very funny to even think about that now. Most likely, you’ll have a few things you’re acing and others that need fixing at any given moment.
Do it now. Your 20s are the time to take the biggest risks. Once you have a car, kids, and a partner, being spontaneous is just way more complicated. Before you have to pay a babysitter just to head out the door or are locked into a house payment, have as many adventures as you can. Get that startup going, move halfway around the world, switch careers, or try something that scares you. Not that your life won’t be filled with adventure, but it’s just a little easier when you’re younger — so go for it.
François Nars: “There Are No Rules to Makeup — Never Stop Experimenting”
Supermodel Iman’s Aging Advice: Gain Weight
Why 85-Year-Old Novelist Anne Bernays Rocks Punk Blue Hair
