Fun fact: if you, as an adult, tell miserable children that their youth is the best that life will ever be, and that it's all just downhill from there, there's a percentage of them who will hear this and think "well, I guess I better kill myself before that happens." And a certain percentage of those will proceed to do that and succeed.
Anyway what I'm saying is that any time you feel tempted to say that, you should instead consider shutting the fuck up. Just because you peaked at 16 doesn't mean anyone else did. Most peoples' lives get better than that.
i can't believe this account is still here. i never thought there would be a life past a levels but there still is. i had so many issues to deal with, but right now, i guess i'm in a better place mentally (relatively speaking). so i'm gna yap all my very random thoughts. i guess i'm happy to be alive. i'm grateful i made it past a levels. nights used to be very scary but they're not so scary anymore.
ON THE PLUS SIDE, my acne scars are clearing. like a lot. crazy fast. and i have fewer flare ups. and when i smile, i no longer look pained? that's great, at least.
but i'm legit so tired these days even if i have nothing to do. i've been trying to get my health into order? vitamin d capsules everyday INCLUDING THE ASS INJECTIONS ONCE A MONTH PLS THEY HURT. i'm really deficient for d, folic acid and b12. and i'm also...insulin resistant. and in five years, we're both gna get....DIABETES if we don't get our shits tgt. one hour on the exercise bike to do some dmg control to my alarming cortisol levels (aparently it's the stress hormone...listening to the doctor yap was rather difficult when every three lines it was you're fucked, you're going to die early if you don't get your shit tgt).
my bestie is also insulin resistant! I BELIEVE IT NOW. ts is real. i had trouble believing when it was said that we'd been sisters for many lives but right now, i certainly do. hell our parents are quite similar (some ideological differences but the parenting philosophy...or shld i say the lack of philosophy is very similar).
so yes, now that a lvls is over, i can focus on rescuing myself from actively dying i guess. and also, an iron infusion soon. trying to overcome my fear of needles since i will be seeing them very often ig.
life's still not all sunshine and rainbows. i'm home more often which means i have to interact more with my parents. my parents...are not very invested in the idea that when i say something, i le gasp...may actually mean it. mother has trouble accepting when i say that no, i do NOT want more food (mind you, she surprise also has opinions about the aesthetic consequences of you know...eating). but right now, i'm working on saying no and not budging no matter what kind of games my mum tries to play on me. She doesn't like it but i believe i deserve the autonomy to decide what goes into my body and what doesn't.
time to start making friends on tumblr and get more active on ao3. i mean i have a couple of ppl asking for me to continue a particular fic. i used to love writing, but a lvls sucked the joy out of it for a while. and the fact that my parents keep telling me that reading for pleasure is wrong. also chat, being a rarepair writer is very painful RIP. but i'm not gna let them win if that makes sense. i deserve joy, and i deserve to choose how i choose joy provided it's not illegal or damaging my health (mother asked me which of my friends are smoking and drinking). so yes, i'm gna write and i'm gna draw because i was damn good at it (i know i was'nt super good but i'm not bad either) and no one should get to take these away from me. not anymore. so yea, ig ill post more often and be more positive.
I said that i was going to be an academic weapon, and I am going to be an academic weapon. I am going to be an academic atomic bomb. The academic equivalent of the meteorite that blasted the dinosaurs away. I'm slaying knowledge. I am the master of study sessions. I am the knowledge sponge. I absorb knowledge.
wow i haven't been here on a long time. chem test wasn't too ass, yes, my score wasn't great - but i didn't complete the paper because there wasn't enough time and i didn't get full marks for elucidation since i didn't write the story properly despite getting all the structures right. i have since learnt my lesson.
econs is something that makes me feel like a hamster on a pinwheel, waiting for the test that's finally going to do me in. i don't understand why i know what i know, and i don't know what i don't know, and i don't know what to write for qns but i just spam it, hoping whatever i'm writing will help me get a decent score. i feel like the recent essay test will do me in, the final nail on the coffin. i despise econs with every fibre of my being.
life isn't going that bad now, but i have an inkling it's going to get harder and i should buckle up. idk how the hell i'm going to do it, but it's do or die. i don't plan on dying, because ain't no way i'm going to be taken down by an education system i've despised since i was 7 when i was labelled as "blur" and "unparticipative ". years after ditching that label, years after proving every single one of them wrong, the label of being a "problem child" comes back whenever i do badly and struggle, maybe my teachers in primary school knew from the beginning yk? i have a life beyond this, and i will get through.
i have a bestie, decent parents and plans for a golden retriever, great pyr, or husky that i will get - and i am not about to let said plans get shattered because of a rough few months. it is the last run, and i will do my best because it is the last one. i have made it through this long, and i will do it one last time. sometimes, i'm laughing so hard with people my stomach hurts, then a few hours later, i'm overwhelmed by everything. i know everything is just a phase, but the fact that i know that the hard phase is going come back again even when i feel alright just messes with my head sometimes yk? i could be watching a funny movie, but i know that i'm only one tutorial question away from my happiness being ruined and things going on a downward spiral.
uhhh good stuff? my fanfiction writing 'career' has been going surprisingly decent - i didn't think i'd enjoy writing this much, but i do. it's sort of a coping mechanism actually, when things get too scary, because in a perfect world, everything is just one big joke. even when your characters struggle a lot, and their life looks bad, it's all gonna be alright in the end. i mainly write fluff, and it's like so warm and calming? idk, it's sort of like a hug from me to myself. i pour my thoughts, insecurities and feelings into them with witty jokes, because it is a love letter from me to myself in the future, where i hope i'll be in a better place. and then, i will be proud of myself for fighting hard.
adios, people. my tutorials are giving me trouble by simply existing, but i'm going to give it double the trouble.
I'm proud of making it thru this week even tho it wasn't the best. I didn't have time to finish my chem pract and chem test, even tho i knew the answers for chem test.
is alr tho, i did my best. i have attempted everything short of divine intervention and even god is ghosting me atp because of my seasonal devotion 😔
a few ppl pissed me off terribly tdy so i just ranted to my bestie and surprisingly a few ppl pissed her off too. our consensus is no matter how shit our social life is, if one of us tries to unfriend the other, the other gets to through the unfriender off a building and turn them into pancakes. we are also allowed to use our metal water bottles indiscrimately on each other.
on the bright side, i met another friend and we ended up hanging out for a long time. im so glad i got to catch up with her. we talked about rships tdy and i got asked about what id like in a guy and if id date around. i said prolly not and my goal may be too ambitious but i want a " first and only". i hope im lucky enough for that idk
not the best day tdy, so im gna practice my singing for lesson tmr instead of mugging lol
im on the bus and im bored af - ive caught up on my mangas, fanfics, and phone calls - called 2 of my friends just to catch up and make sure no one died. we're all hanging on to our last thread of sanity, but it's fine cuz we have a long ass break up to next tues.
had a pretty chilled and interesting week ig.
wed: volunteering ended near my besties house so i called to see if she was home but she was in sch. was mildly disappointed but js took the train home anyway. her sch to house commute and my volunteering to house commute were in opp dirns. she had to pass thru my stop to get home, and we tried to coordinate and it worked. it was like a scene from a movie - the doors of the trains opened and we waved from the opp trains 💀. we traumatised some clowns by our violent hugging but hey, get a life you losers.
kidnapped her to my house and my mum made us some snacks aka baby corn fry and potato wedges (gods I love her) and we yapped about our lives - #freetherapywithjunkfood.
originally the plan was her to grab back home but the grabs were too ex so my mum and i dropped her. i love it when my mum speeds on the expressway - it feels like im running far far away from everything. then we had dinner with her fam and it was so fun cuz we had great pasta and mcd sundae with extra hot fudge hehe.
thurs: came back home quite late so skipped sch. took a day to myself, watched movies lol and i think it helped. yes, next week has 2 tests - chem theory and practical but it's alr. i think i can make it out alive. trust. if only neuron transfer worked like dialysis 😑😤🤧
fri: my friend and i made cards for each other since the sch handed out some cards. we drew anya and bond hehe. the pic posted is pre-dmg control for anyas hair in my drawing (left)
after sch and b4 volunteering, i met with @charliecrypt and had mozzy cheese sticks and some really good ice cream at swensens. it was lovely catching up. we shared our goals for the week and talked about some pretty deep stuff - friendships and the like.
now that volunteering is over, all is right with the world. ive survived this week and the bus ride comes to an end here. a poetic closure indeed.
i didn't study tdy and im not planning to for most of this week cuz im planning to chill but it's nice to get the papers out of my desk and looking less like a landfill yk?
i skipped volunteering tdy to go to the temple for some kid's ear piercing ceremony and met the mutual family friend's kids and just yapped with them
before that i was there with a thousand yard stare until i got hugged by one of them who also demanded to be picked up. like that was so like idk...perspective bringing?
i may be inadequate in some things but they don't see that. they see the one who plays heart attack or banana split without getting bored lol. they also see the one who has cool spyxfamily pens and lets them draw with them sometimes
the food was awesome too, it was my fav (paneer butter massala with jeera rice and there was also some halwa lol)
i came back home and faced more problems than i did the past few days - they aren't entirely gone but most of them are gone for now.
i texted a friend about everything that's been bothering me and what she said made me change my perspective on things so yay for me hehe
gnn
and no i won't delete that post because that is ersding one part of my memories because it didn't fit in with the ideal version of what i want to be that's just not fair to myself
things haven't been gg so great as of now, so here's a yapfest.
ive been struggling a lot (?) and obviously, my bestie noticed. i was on the phone with her during a long break during school, and she wanted help with a physics qn. two minutes into the call, she asked me if i was having a rough day. i wanted to cry and say yes, but she was with our other mutual friend (they're in the same sch). let's call her a.
now ive known both girls since we cld walk, but a is the kind of girl who's happy-go-lucky and she's too innocent. i love them both to bits, but if id only cry in front of my bestie because ik that id feel terrible if i cried in front of a.
it was jarring how my bestie knew i was having a shit day within 2 minutes of the call, and she was spot on when she said "i don't like what jc has turned you into, and i don't like what it's turning me into."
shes so fucking right. every single time i stare at a qn for a concerningly long amt of time and feel the tears burning at the edge of my eyelids, i feel the truth in her words. ppl around tell me they're struggling, and yk what? they're right. the difference between me and them is that they're struggling to meet their expectations that id never dream in a million years of setting for myself, while im struggling to get enough to meet my goals. they'd EASILY meet their goals, but they're unsatisfied because it doesn't meet their EXPECTATIONS.
if i choose to talk to anyone about this shit, they're either taking a h3 which is uni standards (my 2nd deskie) or doing olympiad shit, and i get that they struggle too. but when they say they struggle, they'll never know what it is like to cry in front of qn that's GRADE level and smth you're expected to know how to do. they'll never know the gnawing sense of inadequacy because no matter how hard you try, even if you stopped sleeping, even if you stopped breathing, eating and living and stufied all the time, youd never achieve a fraction of what they cld do. my ct told us he'd be happy if no one got a C for a lvl phy. ill do him one better with a C turned 90 degrees anticlockwise. a U.
my bestie also asked what happened to the girl who joked all the time and had a mischevious sparkle in her eyes like she was plotting her next crime? i don't know. she died a long time ago. all that exists is forced smiles and jokes that make ppl take me less seriously so i won't disappoint them by taking myself less seriously.
i feel so dead and numb inside, but instead make jokes about becoming ceiling decorations specifically baubles and chandeliers.
this post might go down in 24 hours. life will go on, but ive alr lost a fraction of my soul. to what? i will never know.
Electromagnetism and Electomagnetic Induction are inducing self-destructive tendencies and suicidal thoughts within me. I asked my friend if I connect myself to a conducting wire connected to a power source, wld be i able to get electrocuted and die?
Girlie told me with a straight face that her knowledge in this topic was so bad she couldn't even answer me.
